What to do about my parents?

[Trebor135]

Both my parents claim to be Catholic. They both consider communion to be symbolic, and one of them, when the topic has come up, says she doesn’t accept the Church’s teachings on contraception. They haven’t gone to confession in goodness knows how long, as far as I know; they have no reason to, after all, and would thus be in objective mortal sin.

Dad will go to Mass with me every week; I insist on going, without taking communion, even though I haven’t decided for sure whether to be Catholic or Orthodox. They used to be a bit bothersome about why I don’t go up for communion, but I’m thankful they’ve let it go. Mom is involved in a lot of things that make her too “busy” or “tired” to come with us most of the time. My younger brother is an agnostic now–he doesn’t really see a reason to believe–and my older brother is essentially a Catholic in name only, though he seems more open to talking about it, at least more than Mom.

I’ve been praying for the conversion of my whole family from lukewarmness for a while now, and I’ve been asking Mary to pray for us. Nothing seems to be happening.

Fortunately, my little brother agreed with the reasoning I gave, that he shouldn’t take communion since he doesn’t believe what those around him do. Mom has called transubstantiation “cannablism”, and warned me last fall that she was afraid I’d lose out socially by “preaching” to my friends and I’d end up a monk that beats himself (neither of these even approach reality). I have little respect for anyone around me, not really because they aren’t on fire, but because they’re too dishonest to take a stand and leave the Church or join some Protestant denomination. She would probably be vexed if I even insinuated that she should consider abstaining from communion. I want to respect my parents as per the fourth commandment–view them positively, be kind to them, get along with them–but I often find doing one or more of these things rather difficult.

Equally disheartening is that I’m still figuring out whether the papacy should be as Catholics claim or as Orthodox, which means that I’ll be away from the sacraments until such time as I can decide between the two.

What on earth should I do? I don’t feel like I belong in this family.

If I could have three wishes, one would surely be to have God instantly zap lukewarmness, dissent, modernism, and skepticism among all his creatures.

throws up hands in befuddlement

 

[Boulder257]

I think you are doing the right thing by praying. I would keep praying and I would pray continually. Think of St. Monica and what she must have been through while she prayed for all those years for her son, St. Augustine. Pray to St. Monica even and ask for her prayers to our Lord.

I know it can be frustrating. I actually have the same problem in my family. I won’t go into specifics, but trust me when I can say I relate. Sometimes I feel like I don’t fit in either. But then I remember that maybe God put me here to help them. To pray for them. I instead try to focus on what we have in common versus where we differ and I pray that the Lord heal all of our hearts and lead each of us to Truth.

Hang in their and keep praying.

 

[Cloverwave]

I honestly see how hard this has been for you!! And im sorry it’s been hard for you. But keep praying. But Maybe God has a plan for your family…he has a plan for everyone! And i will pray for them also! Good Luck!

 

[SonCatcher]

All you really can do for them is pray and being an example.

As for how to view the papacy, many Eastern Catholics hold the same view as Orthodox. The main difference is whether they see the See in Rome as legitimate. It is possible to transfer from being Latin rite to being an Eastern rite Catholic but it should be because you are drawn by Eastern theology, not disagreement over teaching. Hopefully, there is an Eastern Catholic parish near you so you can check it out.

Please talk to your priest about your concerns and whether you should be receiving the sacraments in the meantime.

 

[Soldier_Of_God]

I have a similar issue with my parents. They are nominal Catholics and rarely attend service. I have been trying to lead by example and it seems to be slowly swaying them over time. I’ve also made it clear to that my faith is an integral part of my life, which strengthens my Catholic identity to them.

Another strategy is to steep yourself in Catholic apologetics. It’s effective in strengthening your faith and the faith of other Catholics around you when difficult questions arise. It’s even useful for contending with any agnostic and atheist associates that mispresent or misinterpret Catholic positions.

 

[starsmurf]

Both my parents claim to be Catholic. They both consider communion to be symbolic, and one of them, when the topic has come up, says she doesn’t accept the Church’s teachings on contraception. They haven’t gone to confession in goodness knows how long, as far as I know; they have no reason to, after all, and would thus be in objective mortal sin.

Dad will go to Mass with me every week; I insist on going, without taking communion, even though I haven’t decided for sure whether to be Catholic or Orthodox. They used to be a bit bothersome about why I don’t go up for communion, but I’m thankful they’ve let it go. Mom is involved in a lot of things that make her too “busy” or “tired” to come with us most of the time. My younger brother is an agnostic now–he doesn’t really see a reason to believe–and my older brother is essentially a Catholic in name only, though he seems more open to talking about it, at least more than Mom.

I’ve been praying for the conversion of my whole family from lukewarmness for a while now, and I’ve been asking Mary to pray for us. Nothing seems to be happening.

Fortunately, my little brother agreed with the reasoning I gave, that he shouldn’t take communion since he doesn’t believe what those around him do. Mom has called transubstantiation “cannablism”, and warned me last fall that she was afraid I’d lose out socially by “preaching” to my friends and I’d end up a monk that beats himself (neither of these even approach reality). I have little respect for anyone around me, not really because they aren’t on fire, but because they’re too dishonest to take a stand and leave the Church or join some Protestant denomination. She would probably be vexed if I even insinuated that she should consider abstaining from communion. I want to respect my parents as per the fourth commandment–view them positively, be kind to them, get along with them–but I often find doing one or more of these things rather difficult.

Equally disheartening is that I’m still figuring out whether the papacy should be as Catholics claim or as Orthodox, which means that I’ll be away from the sacraments until such time as I can decide between the two.

What on earth should I do? I don’t feel like I belong in this family.

If I could have three wishes, one would surely be to have God instantly zap lukewarmness, dissent, modernism, and skepticism among all his creatures.

throws up hands in befuddlement

If you have little respect for your family and constantly criticise their “luke-warmness”, why should they believe in the religion you say you follow, which teaches us not to judge, to treat others as we would wish to be treated, to love those around us and to honor our father and mother?

From what you’ve said in the post, it sounds like you may be coming across as “holier than thou”. That attitude never converted anyone. If you truly want to convert them, as opposed to simply win your argument, you need to demonstate the truth of the Church by your life. I forget which saint it was said “Preach constantly. Only use words when absolutely necessary.”

If God instantly zapped the things you mentioned, he would also instantly zap religious fervour, discernment, ability to change and intelligence. They are the other side of the coin. If there were no scepticism, there would be no science, so no modern technology, no modern medicine, no ability to get aid to disaster zones etc.

You may dismiss your mother’s concerns about how you behave with your friends but she could be right. You may not realise that you are lecturing them but they will resent it. And even if that is not the case with your friends, it shows that it is the case with your family. You criticise them for “being dishonest” and not leaving the Church, for not totally accepting the Catholic Church’s teaching, yet you yourself are having doubts over being Catholic or Orthodox! If it is “dishonest” for your family, with their views, to go to Mass, then it is dishonest for you to go.

Please try to overcome this. I will be praying for you.

God bless

 

[Trebor135]

If you have little respect for your family and constantly criticise their “luke-warmness”, why should they believe in the religion you say you follow, which teaches us not to judge, to treat others as we would wish to be treated, to love those around us and to honor our father and mother?

I have friends who are atheists/agnostics and not-exactly-practicing Catholics, though. We’ve had fruitful conversations because they respect my point of view and don’t throw around unfounded accusations. Our discussions always remained courteous and I can promise you that I don’t holler at them. I do my utmost to give clear and charitable answers because I understand so well that no one has bothered to explain things to us in school or at home. I had to read on my own time, and that was because of the circumstances I was put in.

But with Mom, even when I make sure I’m being calm and charitable, as happened a couple weeks ago, I still get mocked and my points get brushed aside. The problem isn’t disagreement; it’s a stubborn refusal to give the Catholic explanation a fair hearing. Because the Eucharist is very possibly being violated and family members’ souls are at stake, it’s very hard not to feel aggravated.

From what you’ve said in the post, it sounds like you may be coming across as “holier than thou”. That attitude never converted anyone. If you truly want to convert them, as opposed to simply win your argument, you need to demonstate the truth of the Church by your life. I forget which saint it was said “Preach constantly. Only use words when absolutely necessary.”

Yes, in the past I’ve probably come across that way. I don’t get into arguments for its own sake, but when relevant issues come up, I have to say something. And when I definitely do it calmly and charitably, still no progress gets made.

Even when talking about other issues where yours truly is concerned, Mom makes assumptions about what I want or how I feel about X, Y, or Z, and dismisses what I have to say a lot of the time–even if I’m speaking very reasonably. I’m fairly self-aware and am able to acknowledge when I could have acted a lot better.

If God instantly zapped the things you mentioned, he would also instantly zap religious fervour, discernment, ability to change and intelligence. They are the other side of the coin. If there were no scepticism, there would be no science, so no modern technology, no modern medicine, no ability to get aid to disaster zones etc.

Point taken.

You may dismiss your mother’s concerns about how you behave with your friends but she could be right. You may not realise that you are lecturing them but they will resent it. And even if that is not the case with your friends, it shows that it is the case with your family.

Religion comes up with friends to varying degrees. Things have only gotten heated with one friend of mine, who for a while was trying to convert me to Protestantism, and in the process caricatured Catholicism more than you could ever imagine. Even since our arguing phase ended, she’s made snide remarks occasionally, while I’ve always tried to respect her Pentecostal beliefs; I never made an issue out of her being non-Catholic.

You criticise them for “being dishonest” and not leaving the Church, for not totally accepting the Catholic Church’s teaching, yet you yourself are having doubts over being Catholic or Orthodox! If it is “dishonest” for your family, with their views, to go to Mass, then it is dishonest for you to go.

Where did I say that it was dishonest to go to Mass? My point is rather that Mom tells others she’s Catholic but then just doesn’t want to listen; she’s not genuinely confused or doubting like my friends, but hostile.

Please try to overcome this. I will be praying for you.

God bless

Thanks for your prayers. We need them. I would find it a lot easier to “overcome this” if one of my friends switched places with Mom–they don’t say, with condescension indisputably dripping from their words, "That requires deep faith. "

 

[Paxvobis]

I’m in a similar situation.

I asked about what I should do on this forum recently, and got some really great advise. I decided, in the end, that parents don’t really look to their kids for spiritual advise and any argument with them wouldn’t help.

So what to do? Pray. Pray before Mass and before receiving Holy Communion and ask that the graces from the Sacrifice and from the Sacrament could be used for helping your parents. As has been suggested, pray to St. Monica. She prayed for years that her son, St. Augustine, would convert.

And finally, don’t give up.

 

[wcknight]

It seems like being a traditional Catholic is becoming more and more rare. I have the same problem with my wife and kids and with my brother and sisters.

I keep them all in my prayers, and occasionally have a mass said for them. Around Christmas and Easter, I send out a message to all, reminding them what these days are really about. For my kids I give each a book on one or more of the saints (I prefer the great miracle workers) as part of their Christmas presents.

It has taken years, but a few years back one of my brothers and his entire family returned to the Church (at least most of his family did for a time.) And just recently my son who was a self proclaimed atheist socialist did something totally unexpected and shocking. He crossed himself and said a prayer before lunch. Something that he never did even when he was practicing the faith.

I don’t know of too many atheists who pray before meals. So I am hopeful that some of my proddings are bearing fruit.

 

[starsmurf]

I have friends who are atheists/agnostics and not-exactly-practicing Catholics, though. We’ve had fruitful conversations because they respect my point of view and don’t throw around unfounded accusations. Our discussions always remained courteous and I can promise you that I don’t holler at them. I do my utmost to give clear and charitable answers because I understand so well that no one has bothered to explain things to us in school or at home. I had to read on my own time, and that was because of the circumstances I was put in.

But with Mom, even when I make sure I’m being calm and charitable, as happened a couple weeks ago, I still get mocked and my points get brushed aside. The problem isn’t disagreement; it’s a stubborn refusal to give the Catholic explanation a fair hearing. Because the Eucharist is very possibly being violated and family members’ souls are at stake, it’s very hard not to feel aggravated.

Yes, in the past I’ve probably come across that way. I don’t get into arguments for its own sake, but when relevant issues come up, I have to say something. And when I definitely do it calmly and charitably, still no progress gets made.

Even when talking about other issues where yours truly is concerned, Mom makes assumptions about what I want or how I feel about X, Y, or Z, and dismisses what I have to say a lot of the time–even if I’m speaking very reasonably. I’m fairly self-aware and am able to acknowledge when I could have acted a lot better.

Point taken.

Religion comes up with friends to varying degrees. Things have only gotten heated with one friend of mine, who for a while was trying to convert me to Protestantism, and in the process caricatured Catholicism more than you could ever imagine. Even since our arguing phase ended, she’s made snide remarks occasionally, while I’ve always tried to respect her Pentecostal beliefs; I never made an issue out of her being non-Catholic.

Where did I say that it was dishonest to go to Mass? My point is rather that Mom tells others she’s Catholic but then just doesn’t want to listen; she’s not genuinely confused or doubting like my friends, but hostile.

Thanks for your prayers. We need them. I would find it a lot easier to “overcome this” if one of my friends switched places with Mom–they don’t say, with condescension indisputably dripping from their words, "That requires deep faith. "

I have a similar problem with my atheist family. My best advice? Don’t react or respond, drives them crazy