What to do about sexual longing

[jtwp5]

I’ve been dealing with something similar. Eros is very good when it’s ordered correctly. Turn to God when you have that feeling, relate it to him. I think we all have that longing for more, but only God can satisfy that. Every person is a son or daughter of God. You want to do what you can to help lead them to heaven. That is what matters in the end. You can use someone for selfish pleasure but that’s wrong and it doesn’t fill the ache. I fill like underneath this is a desire for me to be with someone else, to give myself so completely to them, to help them become closer to God. That has to wait until it’s the right time. Relate to Jesus how you’re feeling, your struggles, desires of the deepest. He knows you, he’ll heal you. God bless you.

 

[hiramross]

Most of the advice from the other post are really great, so I won’t repeat or try to add to what has already been covered.

But I do want to share with you and anyone with the same struggles, that the longer you can avoid the traps and temptations the easier it becomes. Truly you will be free from the struggle. As a man, I’ve had the same struggles, and I have also had another addictions, smoking. I learned the longer I held-out from smoking the weaker the desire to smoke.
But in sexual addiction and any other like drinking, smoking etc… another thing to do is to STEER CLEAR of any and all temptations. For smoking it meant that I had to stop hanging out with my friends that smoked because just being around it tempted me to smoke or grew the desire. Also with sexual temptations it may mean you will have to avoid certain music, tv and movies, and maybe even friends too, if they are talking, sharing or tempting you in any form to think or be around sexual images, thoughts, or places etc.
Godspeed.

 

[IsaiahSpirit]

There was a time in the 1990s I struggled with watching porn from time to time;
and ‘sexting’ online.
Thank God I always felt guilty. I was delivered from that but not really from
sexual addiction. It took the Grace of going cold turkey from self-gratification.

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It took taking to heart that God doesn’t give us anything that we cannot handle with God.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your strength, but with the temptation will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” - 1 Cor. 10:13

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try concentrating that Jesus Christ suffered with excruciating pain
to deliver us from sin and death;
and delivers the willing.

 

[ineedofmercy]

Usually hours after there is something to somewhat distract me

The escape comes if I’m patient but I tend to always believe it might be so far away

Sometimes it’s a fun time at the end of week
I try my best to make little things exciting so everyday I’m too busy with hobbies

I will also try to get a job too

 

[IsaiahSpirit]

There was a Saint, I can’t remember the name; but he used to busy himself with anything useful in part of his remedy to be delivered from impure thought.
Virtue practiced diligently becomes habitual virtue; and God imputes Grace,
to overcome.

 

[Seagull]

Keep staying away from porno.
Keep the devil’s entertainment - at bay !

 

[GospelOfMatthew]

I am also struggling with masturbation and pornographic images, not pornographic videos just images. The most I have ever gone is 30 days free of both, right now I have free of both for 2 weeks except two failings to masturbation but I caught myself almost immediately. I did go to confession yesterday. I will say to you that I hate these temptations and do not want them at all. It is healthy to be attracted to people but for me it has changed my brain a bit and its gonna take time to fix it. I am really nervous for confession every time but I felt much better yesterday after going. My advice is to go to confession regularly

 

[IsaiahSpirit]

There was a Saint, whose name escapes me. Beside diligent prayer; confession;
learning to trust Jesus Christ to deliver from impure thoughts;
he diligently assertively developed a habit of doing anything useful rather
than welcome or entertain impure thoughts.
Habits diligently followed become Grace filled imputed virtue.
All I can say, in much gratitude to God; He delivered me from this.
It took giving up excuses and going ‘cold turkey,’ as they say.

---

O Lord,
help those struggling with this to be delivered.
Amen.

 

[Augustine1]

One just has to suffer through it. There is no easy way to deal with sexual need. Even married people aren’t guaranteed an easy, rosy path where sex is concerned. Pray, read scripture, pray, attend mass and confession, and pray, but be clear in your mind that you will need to suffer through it.

 

[Roguish]

My thoughts lead me to feel upset that in life and in heaven I may barely or not at all experience this silly [sexual] longing. […] But is it wrong to feel upset about potentially experiencing it (sex has no real purpose in heaven but obvious we won’t care in heaven) […] I know maybe I’m lacking hope that all will be worth it […] But it disappoints me a lot because it is a very good, fun,and holy thing to want and do if done according to God

The attainment of Heaven is the fulfilment of all your pure (unadulterated) desires, including pure sexual desire. That excludes lusty and perverse sex, of course, but it does not exclude intimate union with the opposite sex. On the contrary, such intimate union is pretty much the defining characteristic of Heaven. Pure sexual union and Heaven are inextricably tied together.

Whoever tells you otherwise has not understood what Heaven is. Trust your intuitive disappointment at the thought that in Heaven you would not be united with the opposite sex. It is a sign of good spiritual health that you find this idea a little off-putting. Do not fall for the idea that you would have to “overcome” sexual feelings to enter Heaven. You mustn’t overcome such feelings. You must purify and (thus) perfect them so that they may become the Force that will power your spiritual journey. This purification, however, is crucial to your salvation; you must rid yourself of lust and perversion within this lifetime, and learn to prefer pure sex. (And that’s one reason why pornography won’t do, since it always depicts lust and/or perversion.)

P.S. The girl-hugging thing that you seem to be into is a little dubious. Unnecessary physical contact with females other than your wife is best kept to a minimum. Friendly pats and hugs easily become a way to indulge sexual feelings under the cover of “just friends”.

 

[ineedofmercy]

I’m just 17 so I’m not married yet

When I hug my friends my mind doesn’t usually have any sexual intent even if it reacts poorly do it

I’m close with a few girls who are glad I hear them out and understand them but there isn’t a romance
The hugs are just for comfort
Some of them are depressed like me so we all just kinda hope someone will hug us (it’s wholesome were all Catholic homeschoolers)

If I were married or even had a girlfriend I would probably restrict myself more
But I mean friendly hugs with girls that could become my wife I think is ok

 

[Roguish]

But I mean friendly hugs with girls that could become my wife I think is ok

It’s not. It is immodest and inappopriate, especially at your age. If you need a hug, get it from a bro. (Ah, but that’s not quite the same, is it? Which proves my point.) Hug women when you’re 70, and then only women who are 70 too.

If I were married or even had a girlfriend I would probably restrict myself more

Again, you’re proving my point. You are aware that this girl-hugging you have going on could not combine with a steady girlfriend or marriage. Obviously hugging a bro could combine with that perfectly well, so there is quite a difference.

Anyway, the point is that in this day and age it’s not easy to have your sexuality develop correctly, as your own opening post makes rather clear. As I’ve argued you need to purify your sexual feelings. Hugging or otherwise touching “friends” of the opposite gender does not help with this. What you need is to keep an appropriate distance, physically and otherwise, until you’re ready to dedicate yourself to a single girl. (And I trust you’ll ignore this advice.)

P.S. Perhaps my point is better made by saying that you should ensure that touching a girl, even if it’s just a hug or arm around her shoulder, remains a strong gesture. By using this gesture with your various friends-who-are-girls you are devaluing it. What physical gesture will you have at your disposal when you commit to dating a single girl? A hug will not mean anything, since you do that with all girls. So then what? See what I’m saying?

 

[ineedofmercy]

I don’t just hug anybody crazy
Usually some random guys or girls will hug me be before I leave a party

The girls I’m closer with aren’t many
And though I’ve never had a girlfriend I was close to it with them
One girl really appreciates the friendship and felt I was very deserving but isn’t sure if that is for her
The other we liked each other for a bit but we decided not to do anything as we felt we should be friends longer

There’s another girl who likes me (and I used to like for a month) but she’s a closet atheist but I only hug her if she’s upset but try not to go to far.

I don’t think hugging these two girls that I’m decerning is wrong
It’s a sign that we care and to comfort each other if it’s rough
Usually it isn’t frequent either or for a long duration

Is that actually bad? This sounds like something out of 19 kids and counting

I get the point but 70
We can only hope I don’t live that long
Or have to wait that long to get a hug no thanks

 

[Roguish]

Or have to wait that long to get a hug no thanks

You can hug your wife plenty, and in a few years you could be mature enough to have one.

I don’t think hugging these two girls that I’m decerning is wrong

Did you mean to write “discerning”? And what do you mean by that, in reference to “two girls”? They are options that you might choose from? This doesn’t sound right to me, but if I misunderstand you please explain.

 

[ineedofmercy]

No hugs until marriage? That sounds like a good way to lose even the most modest and sweet of girls
That can be seen as no affection or not caring even if I explained myself
They can be used for mutual emotional support

Yes I mean discerning

What I’m saying is
If I’m pursuing to date a girl
Or if I’m just searching for one
Is hugging them as friends a bad way to start?
If I am called to marriage
You know my wife gets a hug everyday even if she’s moody

 

[CaptainPrudeman]

The girl-hugging thing that you seem to be into is a little dubious. Unnecessary physical contact with females other than your wife is best kept to a minimum. Friendly pats and hugs easily become a way to indulge sexual feelings under the cover of “just friends”.

I think this needs a qualification. Think about you dating a girl, and in front of them you hug one of those girls. How would your girlfriend react?

Saying that all intimate contact with the opposite gender is bad is pretty harmful. My best friend is a woman, I love her very much, and we enjoy expressing that familial love through hugging. Not everything is sexual if it’s intimate, but it can be. That’s an important distinction.

I’d like to add that even though I hug my best friend, when I had a girlfriend and we’d hug, it was very special. Hugging my best friend and my girlfriend caused different emotional reactions. It’s definitely related to why you’re hugging them, but again, it’s not always related to sexual or romantic desire.

 

[ineedofmercy]

Well you see I’ve never had a girlfriend
If I had one my friends (guy or girl) and I would likely even set aside saying goodbye with fast hugs just in case

What I’m saying is that I have a few close friends that are girls
That I tend hug every two weeks or something
Especially if one of us is having a hard time in life
To comfort them and just before saying goodbye as a sign of friendship

Isn’t this what the “kiss of peace” in the bible refers too

Yes I’m attracted to these girls but these hugs are super quick usually and all my friends just go around hugging everyone to say goodbye

I think it’s nice especially with how most youth my age avoid human contact and if they do it’s likely immoral

But yes if I had a girlfriend my friends would mutually understand to abstain even though nothing is wrong just to be polite

But since I’m single I don’t see any issue
Not even a sinful kind

 

[Roguish]

They can be used for mutual emotional support

Girls shouldn’t be “used” for anything, nor should several of them be “discerned” as options to choose from. It’s not a market, nor an entertainment venue with multiple shows.

See also HiramRoss’ post above, about staying away from temptations, possibly including certain friends.

Anyway, it’s clear by now you will continue on your current course, so I’ll leave it at this. Good luck.

 

[ineedofmercy]

I was talking about using girls
I was talking about the hugs
Which can be used for emotional support and that’s a good thing
I do discern multiple girls
I’m saying since I’m single and no one sticks or for certain reasons I can’t be some girl
That I am searching for someone else

You misunderstood me I think

 

[goout]

Well you see I’ve never had a girlfriend
If I had one my friends (guy or girl) and I would likely even set aside saying goodbye with fast hugs just in case

What I’m saying is that I have a few close friends that are girls
That I tend hug every two weeks or something
Especially if one of us is having a hard time in life
To comfort them and just before saying goodbye as a sign of friendship

Isn’t this what the “kiss of peace” in the bible refers too

Yes I’m attracted to these girls but these hugs are super quick usually and all my friends just go around hugging everyone to say goodbye

I think it’s nice especially with how most youth my age avoid human contact and if they do it’s likely immoral

But yes if I had a girlfriend my friends would mutually understand to abstain even though nothing is wrong just to be polite

But since I’m single I don’t see any issue
Not even a sinful kind

Sex and intimacy are distinct yet related things. It is good to have the experience to differentiate between intimacy and sex. And that differentiation has to be habituated. When a person is lusting, lines get blurred and lust influences all of human contact until you have what you are expressing here: confusion and preoccupation.
Your sexual preoccupations become the filter through which life is seen.

All of this takes experience to resolve, and experience takes time and patience. The more you habitually live for others the more habituated chastity becomes. Sexuality takes it’s wholesome place in your life, which frankly not a very big place. As a young person with a sex drive, this can be hard to see.

In intimacy, we can have frank conversations, perfunctory hugs, handshakes, and these just come and go without huge expectations and preoccupations on our part.
Be patient.