What to do about smoky grandmother?

[Allegra]

My mom offered to babysit for my 8-month-old while we went to a show last night. Right now she, my stepfather, and my step-brother all live in the same house and are chain smokers. My mother promises not to smoke when the baby is there, but she’s an addict and in practice she always comes up with some excuse. (I had the fan on. The window was open. I was mostly outside. She was across the room. etc.) When we brought her home, her voice was a little raspy, but by morning she was coughing and her eyes were running with yellow gunk and she was so congested that she didn’t want to drink her bottle.

I know they were all smoking around her and that’s why she’s sick. I get the same symptoms when I’m around smokers too. The problem is, whenever you say anything to my mom about the smoking, her inner twelve year old comes out. If I call her and complain about this, her first response will be to lie and say they weren’t smoking. Then she will say that I don’t know for sure that their smoking is what made her sick, after all she wasn’t wearing any socks and I am a terrible mother. She will then list all the reasonable accommadations she’s made. (the fan, the window, etc) She will point out that smoking doesn’t make her a bad person. She will remind me that being fat like me is just as unhealthy. She will accuse me of faking symptoms of discomfort (and I suppose training my infant to do the same) and being a judgemental control freak. Finally, she will tell me that if I can’t take the smoking then it’s my problem and I’ll just have to get out of her life, and then she will then hang up on me and call everyone she knows to tell them how I am keeping her grand-daughter away form her.

I don’t really need my mother to babysit and the only reason we bring her over there is because she wants to spend time with the baby. She likes me to bring her over once a week when I’m working. I think it’s good for the baby to spend time with her family, but not if they are making her sick.

I am not going to be able to get my mother and step-father to stop smoking around my daughter, unless I am physically there to remove her, so I don’t see how I can let her spend time alone with them. What I’m trying to decide is, whether I should explain this to my mother or not. I don’t really want to be verbally abused, called fat, stupid, and judgemental. I’ve heard this tirade pretty much my whole life. I could just not ask them to babysit anymore and make up some excuse if she wants to watch her when I go back to work. I’m not sure what that excuse could be, but I guess I could think of something. Or I could just tell her the real reason and while it might be satisfying in the moment, I don’t think I’d like the long-term consequences. If it didn’t make her so sick the next day, I might just say, well it’s only once in a while, but I hate to see my baby this uncomfortable. Why don’t people care that they’re maknig other people sick?

 

[Kelfa28]

My FIL chain smokes and so does my husband’s great aunt.

Our agreement is that my FIL comes to our house to visit the kids. I will not allow them to set foot in his apartment. I haven’t been to his apartment since well before I got pregnant with my first. My husband goes over there occasionally for short periods of time.

We, unfortunately do not frequent my husband’s great aunt at all. She smokes in her house. If we did go, it was once or twice a year and we’d stay there for a half hour at the most.

Anyone who smokes will not babysit my kids. I don’t care what the circumstances are or who the smokers are.

If I were you, I’d quit the visits. Have grandma visit you and the baby at your house. If she needs to smoke, she can go outside.

The truth is…smoking is dangerous for the baby. Whether you are fat or not, I’m sure you’re fine, that won’t effect the health of your baby…whether you are just a little bit overweight or you’re morbidly obese.
Smoking can seriously harm anyone…whether they smoke or not.

 

[Xantippe]

An eight-month-old baby is probably safe, but the smoke and tobacco exposure could literally kill a younger baby and it’s probably a risk factor for serious respiratory conditions even for a big baby.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sudden_infant_death_syndrome

I agree with the previous suggestions to end visits to grandma’s house and have grandma over at your house with all smoke breaks taken outside.

Also, the description of her defensive attacks on you when you mention the smoking does make it sound like she’s going to cause a lot of trouble when the kid is older.

I wouldn’t leave her alone with the baby for any length of time anywhere, as her judgment and maturity level sound terrible.

Don’t feel bad about whatever you have to do to protect your baby.

Best wishes!

 

[Rico_S]

Perhpas your mom is telling the truth…insofar as they aren’t smoking around the baby. Perhaps there is just so much residual smoke in the house and your baby is sensitive enough around it that is causes her to react as she did even when they do comply with your wishes?

I think I would have started from that point–so you aren’t accusing your mother of lying or ignoring your wishes and putting her on the defensive (not saying she isn’t lying, just that accusing her isn’t going to get you where you want to be). I think it is very reasonable to explain that when you bring her home, she always gets congested and stuffy the next day and you think she is just really sensitive to smoke. Perhaps suggest that she watch the baby at your house (I assume they won’t smoke in your house). Suggest that when she is a little older you can try again and see if she outgrows her sensitivity to it.

While I would be very irritated at her for ignoring my wishes (if she indeed did), it wouldn’t be the deal breaker on the relationship for me…and I think it is all in the way you handle it as to how she will react.

 

[Allegra]

This part of your post literally jumped off the screen at me. Why do you think it is GOOD for your baby to spend time there?

Because it is. It’s good for my daughter to spend time with her extended family and know that there are other people in the world besides mama and daddy who love her very much. My sisters bring their daughters over there on the same day during the work week. It’s good for her to bond with her cousins and get to do girl stuff. My mothers plays tea party with them and teaches them sewing, cooking, and gardening. My stepfather reads stories to them. They devote the whole day to playing with the girls and it is a special time.

I don’t have any reason to believe that they would feed my child rat poison and I’m not uptight about her having a banana split once a week at grandma’s house. (Actually, I’ve never heard of a bad time for a banana split.) Even if I did, I doubt she would complain about that or conspire behind my back. I don’t have a concern that my mother has anything else that she would deliberately do to hurt a child. If I asked her not to let my daughter jump on the bed or watch Barney, I don’t think she’d care. She’s not in the habit of intentionally harming children. The problem with the cigarettes is that she is addicted to them and that makes it impossible to reason with her on the subject. She refuses to believe that they are “that bad”, because she is dependant on them and doesn’t want to give them up. Anyone who is opposed to smoking immediatly becomes her enemy. I know it’s strange to imagine a person beng so rediculously rabid about a drug that is legal and that lots of people use, but that’s the way it is with her.

She has tried to quit before for long periods of time and I did hope that she would be able to put it down for a few hours while she was watching the kids, but obviously that isn’t working out. I’m so sick of dealing with this issue, but I guess the most direct way is probably the best. I won’t start work again for a few more weeks, but when I do, I guess I’ll wait until she asks and tell her then that I don’t want my daughter there alone.

 

[FrenzyJen]

Even as an adult, 3rd hand smoke (the residue left on clothing and upholstery) makes me sick. Your baby probably feels the same way. Have future visits at the park.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

The question is, are you willing to keep up the excuses long enough to never tell her your real reason? That can get exhausting, and you run the risk of her picking up on the other reason and either confronting you with it anyway, or just being angry anyway. My family tends to not shy away from confrontation - at least not as much as the average family. So I would be inclined to tell her the real reason. I would only make it a point to tell her one time. Make sure you are clear and concise about the reason - it isn’t because she smokes, but because she is dishonest with you about it, and because she doesn’t respect your authority as the child’s mother. It will be an unpleasant conversation, and she will probably be nasty, but think of it as ripping off a bandaid. You don’t have to have that discussion every time. From then on, whenever you are put in a position to say no to a request for an unsupervised visit, you can just say no gently. The point doesn’t have to be discussed anymore - “sorry Mom, you know our rules. So how about those mets?”

 

[agnes_therese]

The question is, are you willing to keep up the excuses long enough to never tell her your real reason? That can get exhausting, and you run the risk of her picking up on the other reason and either confronting you with it anyway, or just being angry anyway. My family tends to not shy away from confrontation - at least not as much as the average family. So I would be inclined to tell her the real reason. I would only make it a point to tell her one time. Make sure you are clear and concise about the reason - it isn’t because she smokes, but because she is dishonest with you about it, and because she doesn’t respect your authority as the child’s mother. It will be an unpleasant conversation, and she will probably be nasty, but think of it as ripping off a bandaid. You don’t have to have that discussion every time. From then on, whenever you are put in a position to say no to a request for an unsupervised visit, you can just say no gently. The point doesn’t have to be discussed anymore - “sorry Mom, you know our rules. So how about those mets?”

 

[Allegra]

Perhpas your mom is telling the truth…insofar as they aren’t smoking around the baby. Perhaps there is just so much residual smoke in the house and your baby is sensitive enough around it that is causes her to react as she did even when they do comply with your wishes?

I think I would have started from that point–so you aren’t accusing your mother of lying or ignoring your wishes and putting her on the defensive (not saying she isn’t lying, just that accusing her isn’t going to get you where you want to be). I think it is very reasonable to explain that when you bring her home, she always gets congested and stuffy the next day and you think she is just really sensitive to smoke. Perhaps suggest that she watch the baby at your house (I assume they won’t smoke in your house). Suggest that when she is a little older you can try again and see if she outgrows her sensitivity to it.

While I would be very irritated at her for ignoring my wishes (if she indeed did), it wouldn’t be the deal breaker on the relationship for me…and I think it is all in the way you handle it as to how she will react.

She’s not telling the truth. She promises my sisters that she won’t smoke around their kids and I’ve seen her do it. My younger sister is a smoker as well, but she never does it in the house or car. She’s asked my mother just not smoke in the car with her daughter, but earlier this week we were on an outing and they had my niece in their car and I was following them in mine. They were both smoking the whole drive. Their excuse is that they rolled down the windows, so it’s okay. My mother has told me several times when I’ve complained about her smoking in the car with me that she CAN’T drive unless she’s smoking and if I don’t like it, I can just drive myself. She’s also forgotten and tried to smoke around my daughter when I am there, but I remind her of her promise or just remove the baby to another room.

I agree that this isn’t a deal-breaker in the relationship. If it wasn’t for the fact that my daughter feels ill immediatly after, I probably would let it go. I disagree that there is a fool proof way to handle it though. There is no safe way to approach this subject with her. I’m going to get a blowup either way.

 

[Pax2u]

If it were me, visits would never take place in your mom’s home or without you being present. You obviously can’t trust your mother and the others not to smoke around the baby.

If your mom questions why, simply tell her the truth…the baby reacted badly to the smoke last time, and you can’t have her exposed any longer. You understand it’s hard for her to quit, so please plan to visit at my house next time. Try not to be emotional or angry when you say it…just state it calmly and then change the subject. It takes two to argue.

if your mother will then tell everyone how awful you are…well, that’s a whole other problem. Do you really care what someone who would believe that thinks? You know you are not awful!

 

[Allegra]

if your mother will then tell everyone how awful you are…well, that’s a whole other problem. Do you really care what someone who would believe that thinks? You know you are not awful!

It’s really more that I don’t want to have to field phone calls from my dad, my stepmom, my sisters, my aunts, etc about why am I not letting my mother see the baby. I’m pretty sure they will understand when I explain, but I would love to avoid the drama.

 

[Pax2u]

It seems the problem of the baby being around smoke would outweigh having to field the phone calls from relatives. And hopefully after going through the process once, that will be the end of THAT particular drama. Good luck to you, however you decide to proceed.

 

[Allegra]

The question is, are you willing to keep up the excuses long enough to never tell her your real reason? That can get exhausting, and you run the risk of her picking up on the other reason and either confronting you with it anyway, or just being angry anyway. My family tends to not shy away from confrontation - at least not as much as the average family. So I would be inclined to tell her the real reason. I would only make it a point to tell her one time. Make sure you are clear and concise about the reason - it isn’t because she smokes, but because she is dishonest with you about it, and because she doesn’t respect your authority as the child’s mother. It will be an unpleasant conversation, and she will probably be nasty, but think of it as ripping off a bandaid. You don’t have to have that discussion every time. From then on, whenever you are put in a position to say no to a request for an unsupervised visit, you can just say no gently. The point doesn’t have to be discussed anymore - “sorry Mom, you know our rules. So how about those mets?”

I think the bandaid is a good analogy. I’m wondering if it wouldn’t be better if I didn’t just let the bandaid get wet and grimey and hope that it falls off on its own, with minimal effort. I kind of suspect that even if my mother did guess the real reason, she wouldn’t bring it up or confront me with it because she doesn’t want to deal with the issue at all. She’d like to go on believing that smoking is just what all the fit, sophisiticated, stylish types do and those who thumb their noses at it are just secretly wishing they could be as cool. I’m thinking of using the excuse, “We have to pay the nanny for the whole week anyway, so we might as well use her,” followed up by, “You’ll be able to have a lot more fun with the older girls without the baby underfoot.”

 

[Allegra]

It seems the problem of the baby being around smoke would outweigh having to field the phone calls from relatives. And hopefully after going through the process once, that will be the end of THAT particular drama. Good luck to you, however you decide to proceed.

Oh, that problem is solved either way. She’s not going over there unless one of us is with her. The issue I’m trying to sort out is how to handle it with my mother.

 

[Xantippe]

It’s really more that I don’t want to have to field phone calls from my dad, my stepmom, my sisters, my aunts, etc about why am I not letting my mother see the baby. I’m pretty sure they will understand when I explain, but I would love to avoid the drama.

“You know mom smokes a lot and she has a hard time remembering not to do it around the grandkids. Her house is really smoky, and the baby has been having respiratory trouble, so we prefer that she see baby at our house.”

That’s not blame-y at all–it’s just explaining things and it’s really short.

You just give that talk once or twice (three times at the outside), and the next time mom gives dad/stepmom/sisters/aunts/etc. the three hanky boohoofest about how mean you are, at least some of them are going to tell her, “Allegra said you were having trouble remembering not to smoke around the baby and that you are totally welcome to visit the baby at her house as long as you smoke outside.” Once mom hears that 5-10 times, she’ll learn to shut up about it to them.

 

[PennyinCanada]

The problem with the cigarettes is that she is addicted to them and that makes it impossible to reason with her on the subject. She refuses to believe that they are “that bad”, because she is dependant on them and doesn’t want to give them up. Anyone who is opposed to smoking immediatly becomes her enemy. I know it’s strange to imagine a person beng so rediculously rabid about a drug that is legal and that lots of people use, but that’s the way it is with her.

She has tried to quit before for long periods of time and I did hope that she would be able to put it down for a few hours while she was watching the kids, but obviously that isn’t working out. I’m so sick of dealing with this issue, but I guess the most direct way is probably the best. I won’t start work again for a few more weeks, but when I do, I guess I’ll wait until she asks and tell her then that I don’t want my daughter there alone.

So the reality is that she is addicted. That may change in the future but for now, I would change things around. (I’m sure the other smokers are smoking away too without any concerns for the baby) Maybe she can come on a Saturday or Sunday, maybe cousins too, once a month. Have a tea party, cup cakes, or maybe everyone meet at a wading pool or splash pad. A picnic in the back yard with bubbles and a beach ball. Visit to the nearest play structure.

Don’t buy into that when she says how she’ll tell everyone that you are keeping her grandbaby away. Not impressed with that manipulation. If family calls with the question of why, wouldn’t you rather they hear why from you?

 

[Allegra]

Don’t buy into that when she says how she’ll tell everyone that you are keeping her grandbaby away. Not impressed with that manipulation. If family calls with the question of why, wouldn’t you rather they hear why from you?

She didn’t tell me that. I know that from previous experience. She did the same thing to my older sister when she told her that she can’t watch her if she’s going to smoke around her.

 

[Xantippe]

She didn’t tell me that. I know that from previous experience. She did the same thing to my older sister when she told her that she can’t watch her if she’s going to smoke around her.

I bet the family at large is pretty clear on the situation if nobody ever sees grandma without a lit cigarette.

 

[Nan_S]

I spent over 25 years living with a chain-smoker, more than 10 of those years with chronic sinus headaches that only cleared up about 4 hours after I went to work in the morning. After all these years I have developed an allergic sensitivity to the cigarette toxins. Once the cigarette toxins have penetrated furniture, carpet, bedding, and curtains, just walking into the room is enough to get my sinuses congested.

The only way to deal with the problem is to insist that you only meet up with the smoker in a clean environment where smoking is not permitted. Go to a restaurant, a park, a mall, a playground. Consider allowing her in your home, but only if all the smoking is done outside. Keep a butt-snuffer cup or trash can in the designated outside spot; she should be used to that by now. And never allow smoking in your car, because the wind whips the smoke back onto everyone else inside as fast as it blows off of her.

I feel for you on the verbal manipulation. I’ve heard every single one of those same rationalizations:

• He wasn’t smoking.
• He had the window open (in 95 degree weather and in 40 degree weather, which he claimed didn’t affect the electric bill as much as leaving a light on).
• The smoke wasn’t causing my sinus problems; I needed medical help for that.
• I was a terrible, judgmental, controlling person for hassling him.
• I was only imagining the smoke smell on my clothes.
• The fan was on and the door was closed (but the room was right next to the main A/C vent, which sucked in the smoky air to be spread through the house).
• We just had a dusty house. I should vacuum more often.
• He had the air filter on (which never removed more than a small amount of the smoke, and which he never cleaned).
• It didn’t bother him, and he was the one smoking.
• It wasn’t a big deal when I married him.
• I was exaggerating.
• If I didn’t like it I should go outside.

In the end your biggest problem isn’t the smoking (although that’s near the top of the list). You biggest problem is that she is an obnoxious, inconsiderate, selfish, manipulative liar. Taking her smoke outside would not be a big deal, if she really cared about you more than her addiction.

She’s not interested in quitting because she’s addicted to nicotine, has rationalized that it’s not really a problem, and would rather put other people through the pain of suffering than to suffer herself. Her addictive behavior is reinforced by the others around her who are also addicted.

 

[maryjk]

“You know mom smokes a lot and she has a hard time remembering not to do it around the grandkids. Her house is really smoky, and the baby has been having respiratory trouble, so we prefer that she see baby at our house.”

That’s not blame-y at all–it’s just explaining things and it’s really short.

We had the same problem with my MIL and my premature son.

I asked her not so smoke around him. He came home, ONCE, and just once smelling of smoke.

It didn’t take long, before she realized I was serious.