What to do about someone who's not over you

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fin

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Some years ago I had a classmate in school who told me that he liked me. He told me via text message. I didn’t tell him anything as I did not have romantic feelings for him whatsoever. I think I made that clear. After the semester ended we also didn’t keep in touch. At least I didn’t, just to let him know that I’m really not interested and that he shouldn’t get any ideas.

Just now, I received a Facebook friend request. Why can’t this guy understand that I am not interested? It’s been years and still he remembered me! I really wish he forgot about me because I have not been thinking of him. His profile was not restricted to his friends so I got to read it. He’s still single.

I just don’t think it’s a good idea to confirm the friend request and be in contact with him. He might think I like him too. I already deleted him from my IM contacts just to show him that I’m not interested at all in anyway.

So what would be the best way to deal with this? Just ignore the friend request? :confused:
 
Ignore the friends request. Easy. You are not obliged to befriend every person who finds you on FB.
 
I thought facebook rules are the new etiquette, you simply refuse the friend request, or are their subleties I am missing.
 
Yes, you can certainly just ignore the friend request.

However, I wouldn’t necessarily presume that he is still carrying a torch for you after all these years. Nor would I presume (provided he is not mentally unbalanced) that accepting his friend request would somehow be a sign to him that you’re interested in him romantically. Lots of people simply send out friend requests to everyone they have ever known.

In any case, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, ignore the request and move on with your life. 👍
 
In terms of Facebook: Ignore the request & if he sends more feel free to block him.

I would encourage you to offer him up in your prayers that he may find someone suitable for him.

Ruairi
 
There’s no need to comply with his requests-- just because he asked.

There’s no need to “friend” anyone on facebook, and you are entitled to remove anyone at any time.
 
Not “over” you? Have you ever communicated directly with this person? Had a single date?

I don’t think I’d make such a big deal of this. He saw that you’re on Facebook and he sent a friend request; he didn’t ask you to go away with him for a weekend. After all, there are a great many people in this world who have not had coffee with as many people as they count on Facebook as “friends.”

Just ignore the request and go on with your life. You don’t owe him any apologies for that, but he has done nothing wrong, either.

By your own account, he texted that he liked you (hardly confrontational) but instead of giving a gracious turn-down by actual direct communication, you “made it clear” that you wanted nothing to do with him by ignoring the text and ignoring him. He didn’t follow up, but left you alone thereafter. Several years later, he sent you a friends request. That’s hardly stalking behavior. I wouldn’t worry yourself that he’s been obsessing about you, let’s just say that.
 
EasterJoy said:
Not “over” you? Have you ever communicated directly with this person? Had a single date?

I don’t think I’d make such a big deal of this. He saw that you’re on Facebook and he sent a friend request; he didn’t ask you to go away with him for a weekend. After all, there are a great many people in this world who have not had coffee with as many people as they count on Facebook as “friends.”

Just ignore the request and go on with your life. You don’t owe him any apologies for that, but he has done nothing wrong, either.

By your own account, he texted that he liked you (hardly confrontational) but instead of giving a gracious turn-down by actual direct communication, you “made it clear” that you wanted nothing to do with him by ignoring the text and ignoring him. He didn’t follow up, but left you alone thereafter. Several years later, he sent you a friends request. That’s hardly stalking behavior. I wouldn’t worry yourself that he’s been obsessing about you, let’s just say that.
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👍

He might have hope (you never replied), but a lot of people don’t think twice about asking to be friends with random people they barely know, he might have just recognized you and asked to be friends. I’ve even had friends of mine suggest I become friends with people I have never met.
 
fin said:
Some years ago I had a classmate in school who told me that he liked me. He told me via text message. I didn’t tell him anything as I did not have romantic feelings for him whatsoever. I think I made that clear. After the semester ended we also didn’t keep in touch. At least I didn’t, just to let him know that I’m really not interested and that he shouldn’t get any ideas.

Just now, I received a Facebook friend request. Why can’t this guy understand that I am not interested? It’s been years and still he remembered me! I really wish he forgot about me because I have not been thinking of him. His profile was not restricted to his friends so I got to read it. He’s still single.

I just don’t think it’s a good idea to confirm the friend request and be in contact with him. He might think I like him too. I already deleted him from my IM contacts just to show him that I’m not interested at all in anyway.

So what would be the best way to deal with this? Just ignore the friend request? :confused:
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From the bolded parts of your post, I’m getting the impression that your idea of telling him you’re not interested is by ignoring him. Have you actually, explicity told him, in no uncertain terms, that you’re not interested in a relationship with him? Don’t worry about hurting his feelings. Speaking from a male perspective, the blunt approach to rejection is often much more effective and actually easier to take emotionally.

On the other hand, if you seriously haven’t talked to him, seen him or had any contact with him for years and he just found you on facebook, it would be fine to not accept the request. However, it would also be polite to mention why. Again, just ignoring him and hoping he gets the hint would probably just drag this out longer than you want.
 
Yeah…ignoring texts and not contacting him are MUCH different than letting him know you are not interested. He might just assume you are really busy or something…or playing hard to get!!

Lots of women think these subtle signs are properly understood by men. Usually, they are not. You gotta be clear, if it comes up again. Otherwise, no harm in ignoring a friend request. I do it all the time! 🙂
 
Joe_5859 said:
Yes, you can certainly just ignore the friend request.

However, I wouldn’t necessarily presume that he is still carrying a torch for you after all these years. Nor would I presume (provided he is not mentally unbalanced) that accepting his friend request would somehow be a sign to him that you’re interested in him romantically. Lots of people simply send out friend requests to everyone they have ever known.

In any case, if it makes you feel uncomfortable, ignore the request and move on with your life. 👍
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This. I wouldn’t automatically assume he’s still interested if its been years since you’ve seen him. He may have been searching for “friends” by the school you both went to and he requested friendship with everyone that popped up in the search.
 
EasterJoy said:
Not “over” you? Have you ever communicated directly with this person? Had a single date?

I don’t think I’d make such a big deal of this. He saw that you’re on Facebook and he sent a friend request; he didn’t ask you to go away with him for a weekend. After all, there are a great many people in this world who have not had coffee with as many people as they count on Facebook as “friends.”

Just ignore the request and go on with your life. You don’t owe him any apologies for that, but he has done nothing wrong, either.

By your own account, he texted that he liked you (hardly confrontational) but instead of giving a gracious turn-down by actual direct communication, you “made it clear” that you wanted nothing to do with him by ignoring the text and ignoring him. He didn’t follow up, but left you alone thereafter. Several years later, he sent you a friends request. That’s hardly stalking behavior. I wouldn’t worry yourself that he’s been obsessing about you, let’s just say that.
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👍 This.

Geez- just because he sent you a friend request doesn’t mean he’s “not over” you. I can’t tell you how many people from high school and college, people I haven’t spoken to in years, I’ve friended on facebook simply because I can, it’s easy, and it’s kind of fun to see what people are up to. Sorry to be blunt, but don’t take yourself so seriously.
 
smallcat said:
👍 This.

Geez- just because he sent you a friend request doesn’t mean he’s “not over” you. I can’t tell you how many people from high school and college, people I haven’t spoken to in years, I’ve friended on facebook simply because I can, it’s easy, and it’s kind of fun to see what people are up to. Sorry to be blunt, but don’t take yourself so seriously.
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I don’t think the OP is probably taking herself so seriously so much as taking the “friends” thing more seriously than she ought. I think when the OP feels free to look at it this way, she’ll be relieved.

If he starts trying to make more contact, she might need to break down and get gentle-but-direct with him. Otherwise, she ought to assume that this is nothing and not worry about having been indirect in the past. That is water under the bridge.
 
We should construct an elaborate mathematical model to determine the right course of action, we should get as many opinions and consult a resident theologian over a facebook request.
 
Hi all. Thanks for the replies.

As for me taking myself seriously. How he ended up telling me that he liked me via text message was I think because I was dense. When classes started and with our subsequent meetings he was very friendly to me, asking and talking to me. I thought he was just a friendly person. He asked for my number, I gave it to him. He would often text, I would reply. Then he eventually said that he liked me so I didn’t reply because I didn’t know how. So that’s why he was being so friendly.

Anyway, initially the reasons why I think he’s not over me were because:
  1. His Facebook friend request had a long message with it. People whom I know in person even if I had last seen them several years ago who add me do not send messages along with it.
  2. As I have mentioned in my first post, I have deleted him from my IM and from an old Facebook -type site just to make it clear that I’m not interested.
But you guys are right, took myself too seriously. I’ll just pray that he’ll find the person that’s for him.
 
fin said:
Hi all. Thanks for the replies.

As for me taking myself seriously. How he ended up telling me that he liked me via text message was I think because I was dense. When classes started and with our subsequent meetings he was very friendly to me, asking and talking to me. I thought he was just a friendly person. He asked for my number, I gave it to him. He would often text, I would reply. Then he eventually said that he liked me so I didn’t reply because I didn’t know how. So that’s why he was being so friendly.

Anyway, initially the reasons why I think he’s not over me were because:
  1. His Facebook friend request had a long message with it. People whom I know in person even if I had last seen them several years ago who add me do not send messages along with it.
2) As I have mentioned in my first post, I have deleted him from my IM and from an old Facebook -type site just to make it clear that I’m not interested.

But you guys are right, took myself too seriously. I’ll just pray that he’ll find the person that’s for him.
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This is not making it clear. You should have said that you weren’t interested in being anything more than friends. Then you would know if he just wants to be friends or not. If you aren’t interested in even being friends then just ignore the request.
 
I’d tell him straight. Men aren’t good at picking up hints (and women aren’t much better either, at least from men). Plus, chances are he isn’t intending to bother you. “Friending” someone on Facebook typically expresses any degree of acquaintance, sometimes merely being introduced to each other. Therefore it might even be somewhat bad to exclude a could-have-been girlfriend when sending out requests to others.

Sometimes a person doesn’t feel the need to disappear from your life after being told a relationship won’t happen. In some cases people are able to get over that, after which they can be normal acquaintances, rarely friends but perhaps still.

Somewhat in connection with the above I’d suggest always telling somebody that we aren’t interested in him or her rather than ignoring that person—if we merely don’t want a relationship it doesn’t mean we have to reject him or her as a person, stop talking etc.

Obviously, you don’t owe anybody a friendship just because he didn’t get a relationship with you that he had hoped for.
 
chevalier said:
I’d tell him straight. Men aren’t good at picking up hints (and women aren’t much better either, at least from men). Plus, chances are he isn’t intending to bother you. “Friending” someone on Facebook typically expresses any degree of acquaintance, sometimes merely being introduced to each other. Therefore it might even be somewhat bad to exclude a could-have-been girlfriend when sending out requests to others.

Sometimes a person doesn’t feel the need to disappear from your life after being told a relationship won’t happen. In some cases people are able to get over that, after which they can be normal acquaintances, rarely friends but perhaps still.

Somewhat in connection with the above I’d suggest always telling somebody that we aren’t interested in him or her rather than ignoring that person—if we merely don’t want a relationship it doesn’t mean we have to reject him or her as a person, stop talking etc.

Obviously, you don’t owe anybody a friendship just because he didn’t get a relationship with you that he had hoped for.
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Yes. If you come out and say, “you’re a nice guy, I’ve enjoyed the text conversations, but unfortunately I don’t see anything romantic growing from my end”, then he knows you only want a platonic acquaintanceship. If you just fail to reply to his communiques, he may just think you’re really busy or you unintentionally flaked out or whatever. He won’t know, and if he doesn’t know he won’t want to lose out by jumping to the conclusion that he has no chance to make the A list.
 
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