What to do about white lies?

[angell1]

there is someone that I am related to who does not think it’s wrong to tell “white lies”

as a result, they end up telling little lies about many things. the problem I am having is they often tell lies about my stuff. where I’m going, what I’m doing. they think that if people know where I go on vacation for example, they will get jealous. or if people hear that where I work, they’ll try to sabotage me. or people I know hear that I’m not doing well in school, they will think I’m weak. Or you don’t want to tell people the truth because you will hurt their feelings. etc… Etc…

most of the time, lies are told when I am not even there for a conversation. and even when I am, if someone asks me a question, this person will cut in and answer for me.

I’ve tried and tried to express my views on this sort of thing. nothing changes. what is the best course of action? I realize that these types of lies may not necessarily be mortal sin material but I just don’t see the point. why bother lying about stuff like that? and lies always just builds up to more lies and bigger lies.

should I just interrupt the conversation next time this happens. but of couse, this will make it very obvious that this person is lying if I confront in front the person that they are lying to, if they haven’t already figured it out.

any thoughts? it really drives me crazy

 

[pensmama87]

You saying, “Well, actually, Susie, you’re mistaken,” might go a long way in getting Susie to hush a little.

 

[1ke]

there is someone that I am related to who does not think it’s wrong to tell “white lies”

as a result, they end up telling little lies about many things. the problem I am having is they often tell lies about my stuff. where I’m going, what I’m doing. they think that if people know where I go on vacation for example, they will get jealous. or if people hear that where I work, they’ll try to sabotage me. or people I know hear that I’m not doing well in school, they will think I’m weak. Or you don’t want to tell people the truth because you will hurt their feelings. etc… Etc…

most of the time, lies are told when I am not even there for a conversation. and even when I am, if someone asks me a question, this person will cut in and answer for me.

I’ve tried and tried to express my views on this sort of thing. nothing changes. what is the best course of action? I realize that these types of lies may not necessarily be mortal sin material but I just don’t see the point. why bother lying about stuff like that? and lies always just builds up to more lies and bigger lies.

should I just interrupt the conversation next time this happens. but of couse, this will make it very obvious that this person is lying if I confront in front the person that they are lying to, if they haven’t already figured it out.

any thoughts? it really drives me crazy

This person is your mom, correct? The same person who doesn’t want anyone to know where you live and a whole of host of other bizarre things.

You are not going to change her, you are not responsible for her. Ignore her.

 

[angell1]

This person is your mom, correct? The same person who doesn’t want anyone to know where you live and a whole of host of other bizarre things.

You are not going to change her, you are not responsible for her. Ignore her.

well, it doesn’t matter who it is. it’s just very frustrating.

so I don’t have to correct them if they lie on my behalf? well not that I am telling them to but if they just butt in.

I really don’t know how it looks from a third person’s point of view but maybe it’s obvious that they are lies, but I can’t say for sure. I mean, if others can figure it out, well it speaks volumes on its own. if they answer a question for me and lie while doing so, I usually just stayed quiet. I would try to avoid making a scene in front of friends, relatives, acquaintances

 

[1ke]

well, it doesn’t matter who it is. it’s just very frustrating.

It does matter. It matters immensely that this is just one more in the very long list of bizarre actions your mother continues to do. Cray is as crazy does. You have a level of dependence on your family that does not allow you to distance or walk away from the crazy.

so I don’t have to correct them if they lie on my behalf? well not that I am telling them to but if they just butt in.

You are not obligated to try to undo all her bizarre statements. Treat it as if she had just said the moon is made of green cheese, just completely ignore it and continue “as I was saying…”.

I would try to avoid making a scene in front of friends, relatives, acquaintances

That is a good strategy.

 

[Rosebud77]

OP how do folk react to her when she does this? Surely they know? If you can get within their eyeline, a roll eyes will help…

Or MUM! That is not true! In an exasperated tone!

But as others have said, not your responsibilty. .

 

[Crusaderbear]

Silence on your part can be taken as consent if you are present, if you aren’t, not much you can do, except set the record straight if it comes up in a conversation.

 

[1ke]

OP how do folk react to her when she does this? Surely they know? If you can get within their eyeline, a roll eyes will help…

Or MUM! That is not true! In an exasperated tone!

But as others have said, not your responsibilty. .

The OP is blind.

Therefore, she cannot gather such cues. And also herein lies her dependence for transportation in many cases.

 

[angell1]

Silence on your part can be taken as consent if you are present, if you aren’t, not much you can do, except set the record straight if it comes up in a conversation.

yeah, that’s why I’m unsure of what to do. but usually by the time I’ve realized that it’s happened, the conversation has already moved on. if I say anything, it will make a huge scene

 

[SecretCatholic]

I was recently in a situation when I talked very positively about a mutual friend to someone- How he had bought a new computer and was working on making new music (he’s a musician, but been in a bad financial situation).

When we both meet up with this mutual friend- He basically says the computer he has is old and hasn’t been able to get a new one. Turns out that the guy I was talking to sometimes gives our friend some money, because he’s in a bad stretch and he didn’t want him to know that he had gotten some money in- probably because it meant no more hand outs/financial help from this guy.

So I tried to tow the line- suggesting that this computer was at least newer than the other one he had- attempting to save face for him, basically. When we were alone- I told him he should just tell this guy the truth.

The way I see it- you shouldn’t have to cover for anybody’s lies. In my case, I had blundered first by saying something that the other person wanted to keep private (even if his reasons are not the best), so I tried to manage it, even though it was an innocent mistake.

But in your case- You have no obligation to cover. Neither do you have any obligation to reprimand or argue. My suggestion: Just keep on talking after the interruption and restate what you said without correcting or reprimanding her.

 

[BornInMarch]

White lies are a non-serious matter, and are therefore venial.