What to do? An age old question

[shudane]

Hey all,

It’s me again with what is sure to be a question that has appeared on here a million times. In fact there was one on here just today. I did a search but couldn’t find a thread that quite matched my situation.

So last year I did a program that helped me decide what vocation to decide to take in life . I was a little curious about the priesthood and thought why not give it a go.

The course was wonderful I must say. Ultimately the course not only showed me that marriage may well be my vocation, but it also introduced me to a girl that I would get very close to.

Now here is the predicament. I was getting to know her really well. I really enjoyed her company and we spent 4/7 days a week together doing various things. From going to portuguese rosary to retreats and some of the usual stuff too like visiting my home going to the beach. She even came and met my parents.

I was quite happy with all this but if I’m honest I felt like we were progressing nicely and from my point of view this was courting. She would text me everyday. Then one day she felt the need to tell me I wasn’t her boyfriend. I didn’t think of her as my girfriend but I definately thought of her as being a future spouse.

So then she told me she was going to return to her homeland which is thousands of miles away. But she insisted that I come visit her. I didn’t want to tell her how I felt as I didn’t want to interfree with God’s plan for both of us.

I talked to my spiritual director also and he said I needed to let her go. Which I tried to do. So 5 months later we still kept in touch and she text me everyday. And it was mostly her texting me. Saying she missed me and my country.I found it very difficult going from seeing her almost everyday to not seeing her at all. But the texts gave me great comfort and we talked in viber quite a lot.

So Christmas came and I felt like we were begining to drift apart. The texts were coming less frequently and she was it seemed always busy. So I said it to her. Again her response was she was busy.

Then during Christmas I decided I would go to church and get confession. So I went to our beautiful Cathedral. While I was there I said I’d say a prayer for my “friend”

I felt a voice telling me to let her go. I knew I had to do this for a long time. Then almost instantaneously I get a message from her saying that she likes me as a friend but that she wants to devote her life to God. My friends I can tell you if this happened in the past I would have exploded into an uncontrollable sobbing mess. As it did with a few past crushes. However and even though my heart was racing I just replied I Love you and if that’s just as friends then that would make me happy.

Looking back I feel a bit hurt by the fact I only deserved a text for this. I try not to be selfish but I did quite a lot for this girl in my home country. But that’s beside the point. Ultimately I know I need to let her go.

Now two more months have passed and she is still texting when it suits her. Still saying she misses me. Then when I text her it’s like sorry I’m a little busy or tired or one of the above. I know she’s busy but she was busy all the time and still found time to text.

Anyways the bottom line is this. I need to let her go. How do I do this? Does she need to let me go too as a Friend? Don’t get me wrong I love the girl so much but it’s just so hard for me to be her part time friend. Especially when we were so close.

Is it wrong to stop being her friend? I would love to Marry her but I think God’s plan is different. The problem is now I don’t know if I took the right message from my course. I felt God wanted me to Marry and that this was the Girl he wanted me to Marry.

 

[Petaro]

Losing a girl has NEVER been a good reason to consider the priesthood. I am sure you know that. We sometimes go through many uncompleted relationships in finding the right lass. This is perfectly normal and letting go of a deep friendship is naturally hard for any but the truly selfish. The distance of geography should naturally assist this process. Enjoy texting but get on with your life and studies. Your pain will last until the next bright young thing. I don’t want to be flippant or downplay your real friendship, but I know the sad psychology of the human condition. On the whole, in our early development we have the transient loyalty of the butterfly, and perhaps that is natural to stop too much pain.God bless.

 

[shudane]

Losing a girl has NEVER been a good reason to consider the priesthood. I am sure you know that. We sometimes go through many uncompleted relationships in finding the right lass. This is perfectly normal and letting go of a deep friendship is naturally hard for any but the truly selfish. The distance of geography should naturally assist this process. Enjoy texting but get on with your life and studies. Your pain will last until the next bright young thing. I don’t want to be flippant or downplay your real friendship, but I know the sad psychology of the human condition. On the whole, in our early development we have the transient loyalty of the butterfly, and perhaps that is natural to stop too much pain.God bless.

I Never said that I wanted to become a priest because I lost this girl. I said that I went to a vocations course and met this girl at it. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.

I just came out of the course with a strong sense of wanting to Marry not only that but to Marry this Girl. But maybe I should seoperate the two things

 

[david_patrick]

as i read you post-i read that you did not precisely go into your life of prayer…level, strengths, …also , i read-a voice told you that the relationship must end…

did you speak with you director and finish the hour by saying…:“that is a relief…” ? /Have you discussed with your director discernment of spirits-that filter to know the different sources in prayer, as one’s inner compared to if God is speaking?
To continue:
I mention, that under the premise -some ‘voices’ are not really prayer, yet other voices are peaceful-as a small-still voice (a mysterious cognition from our baptism),-it pays to know the difference…

so, i read that you want to 'let her go…but if you might find yourself thinking about her , hour on the hour, i don’t think you can let her go…(how do you know that she is not thinking about you every time you think of her-stranger things have happened)

The discernment of spirits is a dependable, on the human level…;until it is skillfully worked out , then your first thought of a ‘voice’ may not be true…(i.e. "to let her go…)
hence the quandry…
before your next confession…pray about human love verses Divine love; as the priority is a challenge; so to, ask God…about it…
Consider two distinct types of love, human and divine, each can be familiar forms of love, certainly, similar…the questions grow into …(1)"How do i discern? if to let her go…then, am i letting God go, too…"Am i letting God, who is love, also ‘go.’? "or(2) How might my conscience be at peace? if a soul lives the gospels-isn’t love that our impulse…?
such as 'be true to your self-be true to your friend…

 

[chevalier]

The tough justice is that since she has broken up with you conclusively, she has no business texting you about how she misses you. If what she says is true she’s in for a vow of celibacy.

The other side of the coin is what other human being would she share that with than you? And let’s not be too hard on her anyway.

But she needs to make up her mind.

 

[shudane]

as i read you post-i read that you did not precisely go into your life of prayer…level, strengths, …also , i read-a voice told you that the relationship must end…

did you speak with you director and finish the hour by saying…:“that is a relief…” ? /Have you discussed with your director discernment of spirits-that filter to know the different sources in prayer, as one’s inner compared to if God is speaking?

I actually emailed my director the day I found out that she was going back to her home. And no it wasn’t a relief I knew he was going to say that before he said it. But when I read those words “let her go” I was for want of a better word(s) sad/disappointed.

To continue:
I mention, that under the premise -some ‘voices’ are not really prayer, yet other voices are peaceful-as a small-still voice (a mysterious cognition from our baptism),-it pays to know the difference…

so, i read that you want to 'let her go…but if you might find yourself thinking about her , hour on the hour, i don’t think you can let her go…(how do you know that she is not thinking about you every time you think of her-stranger things have happened)

I try to keep myself busy but even then I’m always thinking of her or at least she is never far from my thoughts.

The discernment of spirits is a dependable, on the human level…;until it is skillfully worked out , then your first thought of a ‘voice’ may not be true…(i.e. "to let her go…)
hence the quandry…
before your next confession…pray about human love verses Divine love; as the priority is a challenge; so to, ask God…about it…
Consider two distinct types of love, human and divine, each can be familiar forms of love, certainly, similar…the questions grow into …(1)"How do i discern? if to let her go…then, am i letting God go, too…"Am i letting God, who is love, also ‘go.’? "or(2) How might my conscience be at peace? if a soul lives the gospels-isn’t love that our impulse…?
such as 'be true to your self-be true to your friend…

I think you may be right. She is the first person in my life that understands me. And I can tell you that is not easy. But this is not about me. It’s about her. I truly want her to be happy and I guess thats why I didn’t say anything to her about my feelings before she left. I didn’t want to make a difficult decision for her even more difficult. I want to put her before me. But I find it difficult. I will try what you suggested about human love and divine love.

 

[shudane]

The tough justice is that since she has broken up with you conclusively, she has no business texting you about how she misses you. If what she says is true she’s in for a vow of celibacy.

The other side of the coin is what other human being would she share that with than you? And let’s not be too hard on her anyway.

But she needs to make up her mind.

Yes she does, I mean I made up my mind the weekend I met her. Funny thing is one of the men on the retreat with us said something about “doing it today” He had no Idea that I had feelings for this girl but those words stuck with me. And for the next 3 months a voice inside my head was telling me to tell her how I felt. Even though I knew it would probably lead to rejection. However I spoke to HER spiritual director on the day she was leaving and I asked him what I should do. He told me I should pray for her. Which I have done ever since. Everyday almost.

I must point out one other thing. I’m a virgin and I’m pretty sure she isn’t. She’s told me a little about her past, without me asking. Its a niggling issue for me and I know I’m not a perfect virgin by any means but its(her past) something I need to be able to forget and forgive and i’m struggling to do that.

 

[underacloud]

I would stop being her friend.

You saw her as a potential spouse. You both now see that there is no future in that regard, but both of you have trouble letting go of your emotional connection. If she is entering a religious life she has no use of such a connection, and it is clear that this connection is causing you much grief. Sometimes men and women can be friends, and sometimes they can’t, or shouldn’t. There’s nothing wrong with that, it just takes courage to appreciate it.

Moreover, if you do feel called to the vocation of marriage, you need to ensure that you are free of such emotional connections to any woman (apart from family) who is not your spouse. This emotional connection is likely preventing you from moving forward and meeting whoever may be your future spouse. And similarly for her (in her vocation as Christ’s spouse).

 

[shudane]

I would stop being her friend.

You saw her as a potential spouse. You both now see that there is no future in that regard, but both of you have trouble letting go of your emotional connection. If she is entering a religious life she has no use of such a connection, and it is clear that this connection is causing you much grief. Sometimes men and women can be friends, and sometimes they can’t, or shouldn’t. There’s nothing wrong with that, it just takes courage to appreciate it.

Moreover, if you do feel called to the vocation of marriage, you need to ensure that you are free of such emotional connections to any woman (apart from family) who is not your spouse. This emotional connection is likely preventing you from moving forward and meeting whoever may be your future spouse. And similarly for her (in her vocation as Christ’s spouse).

I don’t really know if thats true, from my side of things anyways. Life would just make so much sense to me if this came true. However I’m dwelling on her too much at the present. And I need to let her go at least for now. They say if you Love somebody set them free.

 

[underacloud]

I don’t really know if thats true, from my side of things anyways. Life would just make so much sense to me if this came true. However I’m dwelling on her too much at the present. And I need to let her go at least for now. They say if you Love somebody set them free.

I was going by what you said:

“I knew I had to do this for a long time.”

“Anyways the bottom line is this. I need to let her go.”

Plus, and perhaps most importantly, your spiritual director has told you to let her go.

And don’t let her go in the vain hope she will come back. You will not free yourself from wanting her that way. You need to let go completely. Do not hold any hope for the two of you. As I said above, such a connection, or even just a hope, will be a burden and likely prevent you from progressing towards your ultimate vocation. You will not be free to find a future spouse while you still hold hope for another woman. Put her completely out of your mind now so you can both move on.

 

[shudane]

I was going by what you said:

“I knew I had to do this for a long time.”

“Anyways the bottom line is this. I need to let her go.”

Plus, and perhaps most importantly, your spiritual director has told you to let her go.

And don’t let her go in the vain hope she will come back. You will not free yourself from wanting her that way. You need to let go completely. Do not hold any hope for the two of you. As I said above, such a connection, or even just a hope, will be a burden and likely prevent you from progressing towards your ultimate vocation. You will not be free to find a future spouse while you still hold hope for another woman. Put her completely out of your mind now so you can both move on.

So I grabbed a few hours sleep. I was a little confused to what I needed to do but after a good nights sleep I feel like you may be right. Obviously I’m going to do a littel more meditating and contemplation over this but I’m pretty sure I need to let her go.

How would one go about this? Do I just leave her be and let her get on with her life or do I write her a letter and explain my reasoning behind this?

 

[shudane]

Just an update on this.

So after lots of deliberation, I finally sent the girl a mail. It’s not ideal but at least it was from the heart.

I told her everything I felt good and bad and that I didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to remain friends.

I have been praying for her and her vocation.

It’s been over a week since I mailed her and I know she’s got it.

I felt that this was the right thing to do. I don’t regret sending the mail, nor do I regret anything I said in the mail. It was all true, maybe a lil blunt but it was true and the truth shall set you free. It would have been nice for her to return the favour though but possibly I’m just hoping she’ll change her mind which from her silence doesn’t seem possible

 

[Pax2u]

My thought is that the best thing to do is let her know you had stronger feelings than she did, and under the circumstances it’s best to move on and not keep texting anymore. A clean break will be better for both of you to be able to discern what God wants for the next phase of your lives.

I’ll say a prayer for you. You sound like a very nice person, and I’m sure God has a wonderful plan for you…you just have to be open to seeing it when it comes along. The plan doesn’t appear to be this girl, though.

 

[shudane]

My thought is that the best thing to do is let her know you had stronger feelings than she did, and under the circumstances it’s best to move on and not keep texting anymore. A clean break will be better for both of you to be able to discern what God wants for the next phase of your lives.

I’ll say a prayer for you. You sound like a very nice person, and I’m sure God has a wonderful plan for you…you just have to be open to seeing it when it comes along. The plan doesn’t appear to be this girl, though.

Thanks for your prayers Pax2u. I know they will help

 

[runwaymodel]

From a woman’s point of view, I would definitely recommend cutting off all contact with her. If a woman truly was interested, believe me, we wouldn’t be playing these ‘hiding’ games and only popping up when convenient. Not even a friend would do that!

So yes, it seems difficult to stop texting her, but that is really the best solution. There is no way 2 people can be friends when 1 party has a romantic interest/unrequited love. Sometimes people like that do more damage than good if you don’t let them go because it prevents you from meeting someone else. You are so mentally and emotionally invested in hopes of a relationship that is not going to happen. Do yourself a favor, mend your broken heart, turn to God for support and you’ll be okay. But zero contact. Send her an email letting her know why you need to part ways for good and leave it at that. That’s my advice.
Many prayers.

 

[shudane]

From a woman’s point of view, I would definitely recommend cutting off all contact with her. If a woman truly was interested, believe me, we wouldn’t be playing these ‘hiding’ games and only popping up when convenient. Not even a friend would do that!

So yes, it seems difficult to stop texting her, but that is really the best solution. There is no way 2 people can be friends when 1 party has a romantic interest/unrequited love. Sometimes people like that do more damage than good if you don’t let them go because it prevents you from meeting someone else. You are so mentally and emotionally invested in hopes of a relationship that is not going to happen. Do yourself a favor, mend your broken heart, turn to God for support and you’ll be okay. But zero contact. Send her an email letting her know why you need to part ways for good and leave it at that. That’s my advice.
Many prayers.

Hi Runwaymodel,

Always good to get a woman’s perspective. Yea I haven’t mailed or text for a week now. I have already sent the mail saying that I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to be friends. For the exact reasons you mentioned. That it would prevent me from meeting someone new.

Thanks for that message. I still feel like I did the right thing, probably for both of us. Thanks for the prayers

God Bless you.

 

[kbachler]

I didn’t want to tell her how I felt as I didn’t want to interfree with God’s plan for both of us.

Perhaps it was God’s plan for you to speak up for what you want.