What to do for mass?

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EmRoAmRo

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My husband and I cannot decide what to do. We have a young child that usually doesn’t make it 5 minutes before we have to take her to the cry room. My husband thinks maybe we should go separate and have someone stay home with her, so we can focus and go separately. I grew up going to mass as a family no matter what, so I hesitate to break up doing a very family oriented activity. What did/do/would you do? If you would go separately when would you start going together again? I will be very sad to go separately as I have always thought of it as a very intimate activity for my husband and I to attend mass together. :confused:
 
We went without the kids until they were old enough to succeed. For some, that is from birth; for others, that is several years older. Sometimes you don’t know until you try a few things. For instance, you want to take into account the time of day your child does best, you want to consider what sorts of things she’ll be willing to do quietly (because few children can attend to Mass itself for as long as Mass usually takes these days), and so on.

We tried just having the kids in the sanctuary and gave that up because we’d wind up in the cry room. We tried the cry room and gave it up because we thought the kids were learning the message that Mass was a place to run around, which they would have had to “unlearn” later. Now they’re 13 and go to daily Mass often by their own choice, so that can work sometimes, at least! I’d suggest you try several things and do what works, which might include a repeating combination of sometimes the child stays home and sometimes the child goes but has a big reason to look forward to going. You’ll get lots of advice; I suggest you try whatever seems like something you could do, and see what works. When you decide, that is what your family does. Don’t tip your cards so that you put yourself in a position where a strong-willed child is going to turn the tide against what you decide and know (or come to believe) that they’ve done it.

Be advised: What works with your first sometimes doesn’t work with your second, and what works with one sometimes doesn’t work with two. This play it by ear thing lasts through grandparenthood, as nearly as I can tell!! 😉 😃
 
Does your Parish not have a cry-room? Another thing that has worked for our kids is, when they (when they were at “that age”) started acting up, one of us would go to the back of the Church and stand up & hold them. That seemed to work most of the time. Other times, one of us would go to the cry room with the fussy child.
 
I generally eschew cry rooms. I think you should go as a family and work with your child to understand Mass. We have six kids, and sometimes it can be embarrassing to have the youngest one cry (she’s 4 now, so it’s been a while), but she eventually learned to tone it down in Mass. Of everyone in the room, your child is one of the most innocent and pure. We need to emulate their trust.

So I think you should go and stay in the church proper. Unless your child is shrieking at the top of her lungs, kept her there. You are right, it’s a family activity. Cherish it.
 
EasterJoy said:
Be advised: What works with your first sometimes doesn’t work with your second, and what works with one sometimes doesn’t work with two. This play it by ear thing lasts through grandparenthood, as nearly as I can tell!! 😉 😃
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Haha! Too true…though I can’t relate to the grandparenthood state yet. 😉
 
EmRoAmRo said:
My husband and I cannot decide what to do. We have a young child that usually doesn’t make it 5 minutes before we have to take her to the cry room. My husband thinks maybe we should go separate and have someone stay home with her, so we can focus and go separately. I grew up going to mass as a family no matter what, so I hesitate to break up doing a very family oriented activity. What did/do/would you do? If you would go separately when would you start going together again? I will be very sad to go separately as I have always thought of it as a very intimate activity for my husband and I to attend mass together. :confused:
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The infant stage was not the worst for either of our sons. It was when they really got their feet under them and wanted to run, run, RUN! That was impossible and we used the church nursery for quite a while, until we knew they were capable of sitting through a Mass. Why is your baby crying after 5 minutes? That’s kind of unusual. I’d try to figure out what is triggering her and stop it…she’s into a habit if it’s happening all the time. Maybe she’s getting cuddles for crying, so it’s working for her. One on one attention from a parent? How old is this baby?
 
Enjoy your 5m- ours starts SCREAMING as soon as we sit down! I can’t wait until she is 18mo and I can have her sit outside the Church in boredom when she is unable to behave… We are in that active 13mo stage, and none of my kids are lap babies. I envy those families at mass who have toddlers that are happy to plop in a lap!

My husband and I try to offer it up. We switch off who walks out with her (no cry room), and consider it part of our vocation. God knows our intention in coming to Mass.

We don’t have anyone to watch our kids (short of paying a sitter), so we deal as best we can, and take it one Sunday at a time…
 
EmRoAmRo said:
My husband and I cannot decide what to do. We have a young child that usually doesn’t make it 5 minutes before we have to take her to the cry room. My husband thinks maybe we should go separate and have someone stay home with her, so we can focus and go separately. I grew up going to mass as a family no matter what, so I hesitate to break up doing a very family oriented activity. What did/do/would you do? If you would go separately when would you start going together again? I will be very sad to go separately as I have always thought of it as a very intimate activity for my husband and I to attend mass together. :confused:
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We have always gone as a family and have always taken the children from as soon as a few days after they were born. We never considered going to mass separately or leaving one of our children at home. We think it is important to worship as a family. And while each child is different here is what we did with our five: When they were fussy to the point of making noise that was distracting one of us would take him(her) to the vestuble and hold him. We never allowed our child to get down and walk around or play in the back of the church (I would apply this to the cry room also). Our children eventually learned it was better to sit quietly in the pew with a book or toy than to be held in the back of the church. If the fussing gets them out of mass to the back were they can sit and play and run around–then they will continue to fuss. That has been my experience at least.

I think if you seach you will find some other threads on this topic and may find additional helpful advice. I just encourage you to go to mass as a family–I think it is important even if at times it is a struggle–which it will be with children.

Peace,
Mark
 
When my parents had this problem, they figured out a good solution. They would take me to mass together, near the back of the church, and the instant I opened my mouth with a significant amount of noise exiting the lungs, one or the other would silently take me outside the door of the church and stand still outside. I would want to get down and walk around, but they would force me to stay in their arms as long as I was outside. When I stopped crying and calmed down, they would come back into the church.

If I began again, the other parent would take me out and repeat the above. After a while, I figured out that when crying I had to go outside and be held, and since I wanted to be able to sit/stand by myself in the pew, I stopped crying for the sake of freedom.

After they could trust me to stay silent for the duration (or almost the duration) of mass, they took me to the front pew, where I could see what was going on in the mass, and, interestingly enough, my curiosity in the mass itself overpowered my will to distract myself.

Various families I know have tried this method, and it usually works.
 
I believe that children belong in mass from an early age. Sure it’s a bit noisier, but that’s the noise of a Church that’s very much alive and thriving!

We have four children (youngest <1yr) and try our best to sit in the main section of the church. They actually behave substantially better there than in the cry room, where they tear around like lunatics. The children understand that on Sunday morning we go to mass. It’s part of the family routine and something we generally do together.

I think it is an intimate activity, for the whole family and for the couple. I think it is a shame to break that up. It is certainly true that it’s harder to focus on the mass when you have young children with you, but I am sure God understands. I try to compensate by getting to a mass during the week, but each person needs to find their own way of connecting with God. This is all part of the vocation of marriage/family.
 
Try the Nursery if your parish has one.

Our youngest is 20 months. We had him in Mass with us from about 4wks old, but he’s at a stage that he’s only going to last a few minutes before becoming as little wiggly monster so we decided to put him in the nursery. He’s actually less hassle than our 7yo daughter but since she’s going through 1st Communion this year we need to really focus on her.

Oh, and we’re all used to listening to crying babies. Normally they sound much louder to the parents than to everybody else, so don’t sweat too much. 😉
 
First, try to figure out what’s setting her off. Is she normally a big crier? Maybe switch mass times and see if that helps. Personally, early in the morning is better for DD#1 because she’s not awake enough to act up, but DD#2 is easiest right before naptime because she’s too tired to act up. Trial and error is the name of the game, my friend. 🙂

If you feel strongly your family should be together at mass (I agree) then don’t give up yet! We went through a period where we’d come to church and go directly to the crying room, and we sat there together for the entirety of the Mass. That may not work in all churches, though. Also, kids will respond differently so don’t worry too much if what works for us doesn’t work for you. Some kids will be comfortable being held, and some kids find it confining. Just try not to stress yourself out about it, keep trying new things, and remember that this stage won’t last forever!
 
My wife and I have always gone to Mass together with all the kids, even if it means that one or both of us has to sit in the back of church part (or all) of the time, and pay only minimal attention to the Mass. We made that decision because we value going to Mass together as a family.

However, there is no right or wrong answer here. If you decide to go to separate Masses while your child is still very young, I don’t think that that would be wrong.
 
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and I am going through same struggle with my family. Our priest suggested that one of us attend Saturday evening mass (and the other stay home with the children) while the other attend mass on Sunday morning (and the other stay at home with the children). Unfortunately for me, I like doing family activities after Sunday mass so that hasn’t quite worked out for us yet.

Last week, we made it through the processional before my husband had to take our son out. Our parish doesn’t have a cry room, so you just go in the narthex and the adjoining room/passageway (it connects to the school that is attached to the church) I made it through the second reading (or thereabouts) when my daughter started throwing a fit. We made both kids sit down in chairs quietly for quite some time.

But we just go one Sunday at a time. 👍 Good luck!
 
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