What to do if someone is denied a Catholic funeral?

[Gordon_Sims]

I got a message from a friend of mine telling me that his uncle died on Monday. His cousin (the uncle’s son) is refusing to give him a Catholic funeral and he wants to know if there’s anything he or his other cousin (the uncle’s daughter) can do about it. She lives on the other side of the country and can’t afford to come back until the actual funeral so she hasn’t been able to do anything about the planning. The uncle was in his late 80s and a practicing cradle Catholic. He lived with his son the last few years since the aunt died. The son and his wife belong to some little church (possibly Baptist, my friend wasn’t sure). They’re friends with the pastor and are having the funeral through their church instead of at the uncle’s parish. The aunt had a Catholic funeral and is buried in one half of the plot they bought for themselves years ago. His half is going to remain empty since the son doesn’t want him in a Catholic cemetery. They had him cremated, also against his wishes. They are keeping his ashes in their curio cabinet, which is the result of a compromise with the daughter (the original plan was to dump the ashes at his favorite fishing spot).

My friend asked whether they had any recourse. The son won’t have anything to do with the Catholic Church and won’t even return calls from the uncle’s priest. I suggested having a Mass said for him after the other funeral. It’s not ideal but I really couldn’t think of anything else. I thought I’d ask for feedback here.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

As cruel and selfish as he is being, the son was probably the executor of the estate and is allowed to do as he wishes. If there was a specific will outlining final requests, someone could probably sue to have it enforced, but who would know the details of the will but the son?

It is so important to make your final wishes clear and put them in the hands of someone you trust.

 

[underacloud]

Yes, there’s probably very little that can be done, unless a will outlines it.

Have a mass said for him. And continue to pray for the son too, who obviously holds some hostility towards the Church for some reason.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Supposedly there’s no mention of funeral arrangements in the will. The daughter said this was because the will was written about ten years ago when the whole family was still Catholic and there was no reason to think anyone would do anything other than have a Catholic funeral for him. As upset as my friend and the daughter are, it sounds like the rest of the family is lapsed or disinterested enough to not say anything or view the non-Catholic funeral as an issue.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

I got a message from a friend of mine telling me that his uncle died on Monday. His cousin (the uncle’s son) is refusing to give him a Catholic funeral and he wants to know if there’s anything he or his other cousin (the uncle’s daughter) can do about it. She lives on the other side of the country and can’t afford to come back until the actual funeral so she hasn’t been able to do anything about the planning. The uncle was in his late 80s and a practicing cradle Catholic. He lived with his son the last few years since the aunt died. The son and his wife belong to some little church (possibly Baptist, my friend wasn’t sure). They’re friends with the pastor and are having the funeral through their church instead of at the uncle’s parish. The aunt had a Catholic funeral and is buried in one half of the plot they bought for themselves years ago. His half is going to remain empty since the son doesn’t want him in a Catholic cemetery. They had him cremated, also against his wishes. They are keeping his ashes in their curio cabinet, which is the result of a compromise with the daughter (the original plan was to dump the ashes at his favorite fishing spot).

My friend asked whether they had any recourse. The son won’t have anything to do with the Catholic Church and won’t even return calls from the uncle’s priest. I suggested having a Mass said for him after the other funeral. It’s not ideal but I really couldn’t think of anything else. I thought I’d ask for feedback here.

No, there isn’t anything legal that you can do. I suspect this goes on quite a bit. At the practical level your friend’s cousins could approach your Baptist cousin and appeal to his sense of human compassion and offer to accept any charges connected with a Catholic funeral and Catholic burial. And if he refuses a Catholic funeral, why should he refuse to have him buried next to his wife. To refuse would show unusual lack of sympathy.

If that doesn’t work you can have a funeral Mass said without the body, this used to be done all the time. If you can’t find a priest to do that, you can just have Masses said for the repose of his soul. You know the body does not have to be present for either a Requem Mass or an ordinary Mass said for the deceased’s eternal rest. The same graces are applied for the benefit of the deceased whether the body is present or not. No special graces are given if the body is actually present.

P.S. When they have Masses said for the deceased, they should send the Baptist cousin a notice of the Mass - it will remind him just how uncharitable he has been.

Linus2nd

 

[Xantippe]

Linusthe2nd said:

“And if he refuses a Catholic funeral, why should he refuse to have him buried next to his wife. To refuse would show unusual lack of sympathy.”

Yes. I’m sure that if you’d asked the deceased, do you want to be buried next to your beloved wife, or turned into a living room knick knack, he would have been horrified by the second option.

(Has anybody else seen “Meet the Parents”? Personally, feel that accidents with ashes are all too possible.)

“P.S. When they have Masses said for the deceased, they should send the Baptist cousin a notice of the Mass - it will remind him just how uncharitable he has been.”

Yep.

Normally, I wouldn’t send those Mass cards to someone so hostile to them, but this is a special case. The denial of a Christian burial is a really big deal.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Works_of_mercy

And while I’m thinking of it, this whole thing is very un-Christian and un-Jewish, too–it reeks of paganism. WWJD? Would Jesus have asked to be cremated and to have his ashes scattered over the Sea of Galilee? The very idea is ridiculous.

 

[Cricket2]

I would certainly have a Mass said for this man and invite as many people as possible. This is a sad situation and it is too bad there was nothing in writing to say what the deceased party would have wanted.

Please do consider a Mass for this gentleman and for the family members who would have complied with his desires. His son should be ashamed of himself.

 

[pianistclare]

Such a regrettable situation.
Be assured of our prayers for this gentleman.
May God be merciful.
Peace,
pianist

 

[Mike_from_NJ]

His son should be ashamed of himself.

I completely agree. Any and all planning for the funeral should be done with the deceased in mind. If the son had qualms about carrying out those wishes that’s within his rights, but then at that point he should have passed on the role of executor to someone who was willing to act according to the deceased’s wishes and beliefs.

 

[tawny]

Yes, there’s probably very little that can be done, unless a will outlines it.

Have a mass said for him. And continue to pray for the son too, who obviously holds some hostility towards the Church for some reason.

Agree. Pray for his soul.

 

[gardenswithkids]

Pray. Pray hard. Perhaps seek legal counsel. Ask questions like is the son the executor of the estate? Perhaps contact the funeral home to let them know that the son is not carrying out his deceased father’s wishes regarding the disposal of the ashes. Perhaps contact the Protestant minister whom has been asked to handle the funeral.

It sounds like the son has not just left the Church for a Protestant Church, but that he has become anti-Catholic. While it is highly regrettable that he is doing this to his father, I assume he is doing this because he is afraid that a Catholic Mass and funeral would displease Jesus. Pray hard and proceed with the assumption that the son has the best of intentions.


Eternal rest grant unto him, oh Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen.

And may this deceased Catholic gentleman and all their guardian angels intercede for his son to bring his son back to the Catholic Church. Amen.

 

[Pax2u]

God is rich in mercy, and knows the circumstances why this faithful Catholic did not get a Catholic funeral and burial. He will provide for what is lacking.

As others said, have Masses said for him and trust that God is taking good care of Him. The son needs prayers…what a spiteful thing he has done.

 

[The_Bucket]

God is rich in mercy, and knows the circumstances why this faithful Catholic did not get a Catholic funeral and burial. He will provide for what is lacking.

As others said, have Masses said for him and trust that God is taking good care of Him. The son needs prayers…what a spiteful thing he has done.

Yup, this. It’s not like the Lord is going to hold this against the uncle or something. The one who needs most prayer is clearly the son. Very sad he would try to use his own father as a way to wage a private war against God and His Church. Fortunate that the Lord would never engage in such absurdity.

 

[PaulGH]

I got a message from a friend of mine telling me that his uncle died on Monday. His cousin (the uncle’s son) is refusing to give him a Catholic funeral and he wants to know if there’s anything he or his other cousin (the uncle’s daughter) can do about it. She lives on the other side of the country and can’t afford to come back until the actual funeral so she hasn’t been able to do anything about the planning. The uncle was in his late 80s and a practicing cradle Catholic. He lived with his son the last few years since the aunt died. The son and his wife belong to some little church (possibly Baptist, my friend wasn’t sure). They’re friends with the pastor and are having the funeral through their church instead of at the uncle’s parish. The aunt had a Catholic funeral and is buried in one half of the plot they bought for themselves years ago. His half is going to remain empty since the son doesn’t want him in a Catholic cemetery. They had him cremated, also against his wishes. They are keeping his ashes in their curio cabinet, which is the result of a compromise with the daughter (the original plan was to dump the ashes at his favorite fishing spot).

My friend asked whether they had any recourse. The son won’t have anything to do with the Catholic Church and won’t even return calls from the uncle’s priest. I suggested having a Mass said for him after the other funeral. It’s not ideal but I really couldn’t think of anything else. I thought I’d ask for feedback here.

Wow, the man and his wife bought a double cemetery plot so that they could be buried next to each other, and the son won’t even honor the father’s wishes to be buried next to his wife??? That is beyond horrible. Words fail me.

The one thing I can recommend is to go to your local parish (or have your friend go to his local parish), and have at least one Mass, maybe many Masses, said for the intention of the uncle’s salvation and sanctification. At least then a Mass is being celebrated for him, even if not an official funeral Mass.

Maybe there is more that can be done, but at least having a Mass celebrated for him is one thing that should be easy to do.

 

[1ke]

She can get a lawyer. His purchase and ownership of a Catholic cemetery plot shows clear intent to be buried there.

She would have a case, and could at least get his ashes interred properly.

 

[CarolNoel]

She can get a lawyer. His purchase and ownership of a Catholic cemetery plot shows clear intent to be buried there.

She would have a case, and could at least get his ashes interred properly.

Great idea. This is such a sad situation.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Thanks for the replies. I suggested to my friend that they try to have a funeral Mass said for his uncle. If they can’t do that, then have a Mass (or several) said in his honor. I asked him if there was anything they could do about the funeral plot. He didn’t think so, or didn’t think his cousin would pursue it, since the son conveniently had some emails printed off from his dad which expressed all his last wishes (the dumping of his ashes, etc.). They were pretty obviously the son’s work and not the uncle’s (they were the only emails the uncle had ever sent, all written a few days before he died), but the sister feels that fighting over it will cause more problems than it will solve.

 

[Bklynguy]

I got a message from a friend of mine telling me that his uncle died on Monday. His cousin (the uncle’s son) is refusing to give him a Catholic funeral and he wants to know if there’s anything he or his other cousin (the uncle’s daughter) can do about it. She lives on the other side of the country and can’t afford to come back until the actual funeral so she hasn’t been able to do anything about the planning. The uncle was in his late 80s and a practicing cradle Catholic. He lived with his son the last few years since the aunt died. The son and his wife belong to some little church (possibly Baptist, my friend wasn’t sure). They’re friends with the pastor and are having the funeral through their church instead of at the uncle’s parish. The aunt had a Catholic funeral and is buried in one half of the plot they bought for themselves years ago. His half is going to remain empty since the son doesn’t want him in a Catholic cemetery. They had him cremated, also against his wishes. They are keeping his ashes in their curio cabinet, which is the result of a compromise with the daughter (the original plan was to dump the ashes at his favorite fishing spot).

My friend asked whether they had any recourse. The son won’t have anything to do with the Catholic Church and won’t even return calls from the uncle’s priest. I suggested having a Mass said for him after the other funeral. It’s not ideal but I really couldn’t think of anything else. I thought I’d ask for feedback here.

What a creep…and shame on the Baptist pastor for not instructing a member of his congregation that the funeral should be held at his father’s church (unless, of course, he is a liar also).

Tell your friend to fill out a Mass card and have a Mass said for his uncle. Then, tell him to send a card to his son to show how selfish he is.