P
platofan1983
Guest
Hi All,
I’ll try to keep this brief as no one really likes drama or woe-is-me sort of stories.
I’m 30 years old and have been married for eight years and am coming to the conclusion that my wife never may have loved me. I never really thought of it until recently, as I was pretty naive for a long time. I want to ask what to do in a situation like this.
My wife and I started dating as juniors in high school. I took her to Homecoming as a mutual friend and knew that night I wanted to marry her and have a family with her. I still feel that way. Shortly thereafter we started dating and were infatuated with each other. I don’t want to use the word love, because we were very young and it wasn’t sacrificing.
After we graduated, we planned on attending college together that wasn’t super far from home and was a good school. That summer she cheated on me with another guy she met online. I would have done anything to get back together with her (but she wanted to see this guy) so we agreed to take a “break.” She saw him for a week but didn’t really end up liking him. We got back together, but it became only platonic. I didn’t realize it as I was still naive and we were busy with school but there wasn’t any sort of deep emotional love there on her part. I forgave her and didn’t bring it up again. I don’t necessarily buy the whole “the trust was gone” thing either. The love was gone and we we’re friends, but having or not having trust didn’t really enter into the picture.
College progressed and I still looked ahead to the future. I wanted to be with her, start a family, and really deep down loved her. She for some reason (most likely because it was the next thing) wanted me to propose a year earlier than I planned. I proposed but planned to marry until after we graduated. Six months prior to our wedding while out at a bar with some of her girlfriends she danced with another guy. Then a few months later another guy danced with her and kissed her. And this isn’t like ballroom dancing either. This is how young kids dance. Think Miely Cyrus, but not as overt or with a foam finger.
She told me it was only because she liked feeling flirted with that is why it happened. I was dealing with my own physical illness at the time, so I just ascribed it to the fact that she was flattered.
We got married but things more or less remained the same in her attitude. A couple years ago, while drinking with friends she made out with a mutual friend (in a pretty physical, graphic, not clothed way). I was very upset and at the time angry. I remember going in the bedroom to talk about it. She said again it was because she liked how it felt. I said the husband in me wants to be mad at you but the Christian in me says I should forgive you.
Now, I’ve not been this perfect little husband either. Throughout college I was still loving and attentive. I forgave her, went to church with her, was best friends with her, did stuff with her and her girlfriends and did not say one negative or mean insulting thing to her. After we got married, that changed. I became bitter and angry toward her. I felt resentment. Here I was a dutiful boyfriend and she didn’t care. We waited to have sex until marriage because we are both Christians and that didn’t matter (I’m not bitter about that, just that she doesn’t see me as a special guy for wanting to wait). In college we never fooled around that much (kissing sort of stuff). She said she had no interest with anyone. She did in high school though. Marriage was the same. I was put on the physical and emotional back burner.
Because of my resentment, I became angry at little things. She gained a lot of weight (which I try to look past, but it’s hard as a guy when your wife is bigger than you), has no interest in me sexually (and has said so), has no emotional connection with me (or desires to), etc. The whole gamete. Basically she saw that our relationship in college was fine. She doesn’t understand why I can’t be like that now. It would be letting myself getting walked all over emotionally and her not even realizing anything was wrong or even voicing my frustrations or concerns.
I know many of you would recommend counseling. And we have tried that, however it was through a Protestant pastor and I don’t think he was very good. It was one brief session with all three of us then each a single session a week later. He tried saying that each person needs to rely on Christ for their emotional strength instead of necessarily relying on it from their spouse. They may compliment it, but if Christ is the rock their will be less instability. I understand where he is coming from, but that is a mile wide and an inch deep. She wasn’t even honest about her feelings or past wrongs. It would be like a short confession to a priest without being honest or completely truthful.
A friend of mine suggested something to me several months ago I didn’t even think about. He said, “Did you ever consider she doesn’t want you back?” I never thought about it like that. I’ve always been pursuing her and trying to want her to like and fall in love with me again, I’ve never consider that long, long ago, she stopped caring about me. She’s said as much though, so it’s not way out in left field.
Now, I don’t care about any past wrong mistakes on her part. I know stuff happens. All I care about is her heart (and not in a corny Disney way either). But I want her to come back to me emotionally and physically. We’ve had major fights and discussions. And I have said some really insulting things (I never mean them, but lose my temper for which I am wrong). I admit that and need to change that. But that is really all she “has” on me. She can’t say anything else as to why she doesn’t love me other than I’m a jerk when we fight, which is usually about me not feeling loved emotionally or physically. She gets it and acknowledges it, but doesn’t really want to talk about it.
I’ll try to keep this brief as no one really likes drama or woe-is-me sort of stories.
I’m 30 years old and have been married for eight years and am coming to the conclusion that my wife never may have loved me. I never really thought of it until recently, as I was pretty naive for a long time. I want to ask what to do in a situation like this.
My wife and I started dating as juniors in high school. I took her to Homecoming as a mutual friend and knew that night I wanted to marry her and have a family with her. I still feel that way. Shortly thereafter we started dating and were infatuated with each other. I don’t want to use the word love, because we were very young and it wasn’t sacrificing.
After we graduated, we planned on attending college together that wasn’t super far from home and was a good school. That summer she cheated on me with another guy she met online. I would have done anything to get back together with her (but she wanted to see this guy) so we agreed to take a “break.” She saw him for a week but didn’t really end up liking him. We got back together, but it became only platonic. I didn’t realize it as I was still naive and we were busy with school but there wasn’t any sort of deep emotional love there on her part. I forgave her and didn’t bring it up again. I don’t necessarily buy the whole “the trust was gone” thing either. The love was gone and we we’re friends, but having or not having trust didn’t really enter into the picture.
College progressed and I still looked ahead to the future. I wanted to be with her, start a family, and really deep down loved her. She for some reason (most likely because it was the next thing) wanted me to propose a year earlier than I planned. I proposed but planned to marry until after we graduated. Six months prior to our wedding while out at a bar with some of her girlfriends she danced with another guy. Then a few months later another guy danced with her and kissed her. And this isn’t like ballroom dancing either. This is how young kids dance. Think Miely Cyrus, but not as overt or with a foam finger.
She told me it was only because she liked feeling flirted with that is why it happened. I was dealing with my own physical illness at the time, so I just ascribed it to the fact that she was flattered.
We got married but things more or less remained the same in her attitude. A couple years ago, while drinking with friends she made out with a mutual friend (in a pretty physical, graphic, not clothed way). I was very upset and at the time angry. I remember going in the bedroom to talk about it. She said again it was because she liked how it felt. I said the husband in me wants to be mad at you but the Christian in me says I should forgive you.
Now, I’ve not been this perfect little husband either. Throughout college I was still loving and attentive. I forgave her, went to church with her, was best friends with her, did stuff with her and her girlfriends and did not say one negative or mean insulting thing to her. After we got married, that changed. I became bitter and angry toward her. I felt resentment. Here I was a dutiful boyfriend and she didn’t care. We waited to have sex until marriage because we are both Christians and that didn’t matter (I’m not bitter about that, just that she doesn’t see me as a special guy for wanting to wait). In college we never fooled around that much (kissing sort of stuff). She said she had no interest with anyone. She did in high school though. Marriage was the same. I was put on the physical and emotional back burner.
Because of my resentment, I became angry at little things. She gained a lot of weight (which I try to look past, but it’s hard as a guy when your wife is bigger than you), has no interest in me sexually (and has said so), has no emotional connection with me (or desires to), etc. The whole gamete. Basically she saw that our relationship in college was fine. She doesn’t understand why I can’t be like that now. It would be letting myself getting walked all over emotionally and her not even realizing anything was wrong or even voicing my frustrations or concerns.
I know many of you would recommend counseling. And we have tried that, however it was through a Protestant pastor and I don’t think he was very good. It was one brief session with all three of us then each a single session a week later. He tried saying that each person needs to rely on Christ for their emotional strength instead of necessarily relying on it from their spouse. They may compliment it, but if Christ is the rock their will be less instability. I understand where he is coming from, but that is a mile wide and an inch deep. She wasn’t even honest about her feelings or past wrongs. It would be like a short confession to a priest without being honest or completely truthful.
A friend of mine suggested something to me several months ago I didn’t even think about. He said, “Did you ever consider she doesn’t want you back?” I never thought about it like that. I’ve always been pursuing her and trying to want her to like and fall in love with me again, I’ve never consider that long, long ago, she stopped caring about me. She’s said as much though, so it’s not way out in left field.
Now, I don’t care about any past wrong mistakes on her part. I know stuff happens. All I care about is her heart (and not in a corny Disney way either). But I want her to come back to me emotionally and physically. We’ve had major fights and discussions. And I have said some really insulting things (I never mean them, but lose my temper for which I am wrong). I admit that and need to change that. But that is really all she “has” on me. She can’t say anything else as to why she doesn’t love me other than I’m a jerk when we fight, which is usually about me not feeling loved emotionally or physically. She gets it and acknowledges it, but doesn’t really want to talk about it.
