What To Do If Your Wife May Never Have Loved You? Part 1

[Tighty_Whitey]

If you don’t mind could you make this about five sentences long and repost it. That’s about as long as my attention span affords me. You are going in way too much detail. Thanks!

So I got the email from CAF that there were additional posts and so I thought I’d check in to see if a shortened version had been posted. None has. I can’t say I’m surprised but I did happen to reread a small part of the OP and had to laugh at the intro sentence, “I’ll try to keep this brief…” Exactly how did that “trying” occur?

I am merely frustrated at not being able to engage in a discussion that is very close to home. Time to move on, best of luck. Peace, g.

 

[Starrsmother]

Part 1–Sorry to be so tardy in getting back to you, Platofan–today was my grandson’s 8th birthday–rug rats everywhere! LOL! You asked what my husband could have done to improve things during our rough patch. I am trying to be honest in my answer. I’m not certain that he could’ve done any one miraculous thing that somehow would’ve made everything all better. We didn’t get to the point we were at overnight. It took years of squabbling over 101 small, trivial things before we crossed the invisible line of separation. 101 nights we went to bed angry or holding a grudge. 101 times we didn’t discuss things such as how we wanted to handle issues with our kids and,101 times we forgot to say I love you–you get the idea. I am a nurse practitioner/ nurse midwife. My husband is a construction worker. Gradually we had different friends and formed different goals. Toward the end, even our kids figured out that if they played one of us against the other, they would get what they wanted. Toward the end, we went days either not speaking or speaking monosyllabically–and one day, we both concluded that each of us didn’t love the other. Coupled with the fact that I had fallen away from the Catholic faith over 25 years before this happened, we began to have no skin in the game of staying together. There were many, many things that I could’ve done differently and wish that I had. You asked me, however what my husband could have done differently. I would say that he could have listened to me more–really listened and heard-- without always trying to prove that he was right and I was wrong and juddging. Also, he could have maybe made me feel more special–like I was still his best girl. Do I make sense? He could have made me feel prettier–I had 5 kids and felt old and unattractive inside. He never tried to make me feel good about myself–but then again, I didn’t try to make him feel like he was my lover not my sperm donor either! Most of all, he could have refused to enter an"easy" divorce until and unless we worked with a Catholic marriage counselor–and a good one. However, in fairness to my husband, I was the cradle Catholic who had fallen away and he was the converted protestant and it’s not necessarilly fair to saddle him with the obligation–if you see my point. The thing is, after our divorce was final, we were separated about 6 months. Around 4 months into it, he began to call and come over and since we both felt no obligation, I think we treated each other with more courtesy.(cont. with part 2)

 

[Starrsmother]

Part2–Neither one of us was really happy being single. Heck, we married so young that we practically raised each other and were best friends inside. Being best friends is an important thing for a married couple, but never let anyone tell you that it’s the only or most important thing. You can replace a best friend–hopefully not so your spouse! Do you know who Dr. Phil is? We never did go to a marriage counselor, but one day my husband came over with a well worn copy of one of his books on marriage that he’d been secretly reading and a new copy for me. He asked me to just read it and I did so and we started talking about it. Old Dr. Phil is big into people taking responsibility for their own feelings. A different way of saying it is that Dr. Phil believes that we weren’t responsible for each others happiness or anger–but that we were responsible for treating each other with gentle courtesy. Sometimes married people are ruder to each other— the person you supposedly love and dedicate your life to— than you’d ever even think of being to any stranger on the street. Spoken insults are like knife wounds–you can’t take them back and they keep on bleeding. We decided to work on our marriage and today we still work on it. I don’t think we will ever have an easy, perfect relationship–whatever that is–but we now value each other and our staying together. One more thing: never throw the word divorce out in a fight unless you mean it. We used to do that often and it’s as good as saying “I quit–this isn’t worth working on any longer!” I seriously think you and your wife should go to a counselor–but a real one, not necesssarilly a priest just because he’s Catholic and for sure not a protestant preacher just because your wife is protestant. A marriage is too important to trust it to someone who only thinks they have good advice. Frankly, priests are usually clueless about what marriage is like as they aren’t married. They’ve never been in the trenches, so to speak. A protestant preacher doesn’t have the same Catholic values as you, and divorce is always a reasonable solution if things get bogged down, BUT, your wife has to agree to go and to put out some effort to make it work. If she truly doesn’t care, then nothing will work. I somehow think she does care though and is just hurting. When you wrote about her, it immediately reminded me of myself’ If she really refuses to go to an actual counselor though; YOU should still go alone and work on yourself. Your wife will notice and perhaps agree to join you later. If not, and if heaven forbid you end up divorcing, you’ll be better prepared to choose the right woman and know better how to work within a marriage the 2nd time around. I hope I answered your question–at least somewhat–