What to do now...?

[Confused415]

My husband and I are conti ually growing in our faith. We both got married with understanding that birth control was ok. We gave it up after our third child. During my fourth pregnancy I was diagnosed with two big subchorionic hemmorhages and wasn’t expected to make it to 24 weeks. After much praying and stress our son survived with only minor issues at birth. Our fifth pregnancy we found out at 20 weeks the baby had no hb and was diagnosed with cystic hygroma. Doctors told us it was a fluke. Our sixth pregnancy SAME thing. Baby died at 16 weeks due to cystic hygroma. Now we r told its genetic and need genetic counseling and we were very lucky to have four. I don’t really care to see a genetecits bc they are only going to tell me the percentages of it occurring or birth defects and with me getting older all these risks increase of course. We originally were happy to have a big family but neither of us can handle another death and delivering a dead baby. Its also difficult on our other children. So now, my husband feels that this is a sign and we should get sterilization. I almost agree. And we could use nfp bc we are open to life but we are not open to dead babies and of course there is no way of knowing. What should we do…?

 

[1ke]

sterilization is gravely wrong. do not be seduced by the idea.

You can safely and morally use NFP to avoid pregnancy as needed.

 

[Confused415]

I guess you didn’t understand. Its so easy for other ppl to have an answer. Did you have to deliver two dead babies…? I would gladly do nfp or continue having babies if they don’t die! With nfp you need to be open to life which I am! I’m not open to death! I guess my only option is to not have sex for the rest of our marriage which trust me I won’t miss it all that much but I won’t be surprised when my husband leaves me either.

 

[1ke]

I guess you didn’t understand.

Yes, I do understand, and I am very sorry for your loss.

You can use NFP indefinitely, and you can use the most conservative post-ovulatory time to ensure you avoid. There are several women on this board who use NFP to avoid for life threatening illnesses, and they have used NFP for over 15 years to avoid. It can be done.

I think perhaps you misunderstand the Church’s teaching here.

Its so easy for other ppl to have an answer.

Sterilization is grave matter, a mortal sin. It is the only answer we can give because it is the truth.

Did you have to deliver two dead babies…? I would gladly do nfp or continue having babies if they don’t die!

You can use NFP to avoid pregnancy for serious reasons, and you have serious reasons.

With nfp you need to be open to life which I am! I’m not open to death!

I think you have some misunderstanding. Each act of the marital embrace has to be properly ordered to procreation, which it is even during the infertile period of the woman’s cycle if you are using NFP and not contraception. That does not mean you must overtly be trying to conceive. You have recourse to the infertile period for intimacy.

I guess my only option is to not have sex for the rest of our marriage which trust me I won’t miss it all that much but I won’t be surprised when my husband leaves me either.

You can use conservative, post-ovulatory time for intimacy. I suggest you look into the Marquette Model of NFP which combines observation of fertility with an ovulation monitor device. It is very accurate and can assist you in p(name removed by moderator)ointing post ovulatory times for intimacy.

If you choose, you can abstain completely but it should not be necessary with conservaitve use of NFP.

 

[Linusthe2nd]

My husband and I are conti ually growing in our faith. We both got married with understanding that birth control was ok. We gave it up after our third child. During my fourth pregnancy I was diagnosed with two big subchorionic hemmorhages and wasn’t expected to make it to 24 weeks. After much praying and stress our son survived with only minor issues at birth. Our fifth pregnancy we found out at 20 weeks the baby had no hb and was diagnosed with cystic hygroma. Doctors told us it was a fluke. Our sixth pregnancy SAME thing. Baby died at 16 weeks due to cystic hygroma. Now we r told its genetic and need genetic counseling and we were very lucky to have four. I don’t really care to see a genetecits bc they are only going to tell me the percentages of it occurring or birth defects and with me getting older all these risks increase of course. We originally were happy to have a big family but neither of us can handle another death and delivering a dead baby. Its also difficult on our other children. So now, my husband feels that this is a sign and we should get sterilization. I almost agree. And we could use nfp bc we are open to life but we are not open to dead babies and of course there is no way of knowing. What should we do…?

That is not a moral option. Catholic couples must remain open to life at all times. You may use some form of Natural Birth Control, there are several forms. But as long as you are engaging in the privilages of marriage, you must remain open to life. Another option is abstinence.

Linus2nd

 

[donna369]

i’m sorry for your problems. i would be tempted to sterilization as well. however, i think that the best thing you can do to find a solution is start by talking with your priest. he can surely help guide you in an effective solution.
God Bless

 

[Rau]

I guess you didn’t understand. Its so easy for other ppl to have an answer. Did you have to deliver two dead babies…? I would gladly do nfp or continue having babies if they don’t die! With nfp you need to be open to life which I am! I’m not open to death! I guess my only option is to not have sex for the rest of our marriage which trust me I won’t miss it all that much but I won’t be surprised when my husband leaves me either.

I may be having some trouble understanding your comments regarding NFP. Some of the previous posters here are suggesting that you should use NFP to avoid further pregnancies. I assume you reject that approach out of concern that you may have an “accident” and become pregnant? Do I understand correctly?

 

[PartoftheBody]

I can only imagine how devastating it must be to deliver a dead child. Please accept my condolences.

Aside from the serious moral problems of sterilization, it’s important on the practical side to remember that even sterilization is not 100% effective in preventing pregnancy, with “failure” rates as high as 1 in 200 according to some sources.

I understand “openness to life” to mean that if you did get pregnant, you would not abort and would welcome the baby with love. NFP can be very effective (>99%) in postponing pregnancy, even indefinitely, when done correctly.

I agree with the previous poster that maybe checking out a different technique might be helpful if you weren’t successful in postponing pregnancy in the past with NFP.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I guess you didn’t understand. Its so easy for other ppl to have an answer. Did you have to deliver two dead babies…? I would gladly do nfp or continue having babies if they don’t die! With nfp you need to be open to life which I am! I’m not open to death! I guess my only option is to not have sex for the rest of our marriage which trust me I won’t miss it all that much but I won’t be surprised when my husband leaves me either.

I am so terribly sorry for everything you have gone through. And personally, I have NO idea what it would be like to give birth to 2 dead babies and my heart goes out to you. You mentioned in your first post you are becoming stronger in your faith. Sadly, being faithful can often be a very challenging thing. And these are the exact times when as angry as we are, we need to humble ourselves and say ‘God, I can’t do it, please help me’.

No matter how competent a doctor is, we still need to listen to God and not the doctor. I understand your wanting to avoid another pregnancy which is exactly why people have been suggesting NFP.

Please understand, I would give you exactly what you need to comfort you if I knew what that was. But sadly, I am a stranger on the internet miles away who really can not do much. But as your sister in Christ, I do believe encouraging you to do God’s will and NOT get sterilized is exactly what is best

With love

Angie

 

[Xantippe]

I think I would see the geneticist to hear what the odds are. It may be that there is a 50% chance, in which case you would have a 50% chance of an unaffected baby, even if you were to have an NFP failure. You lose nothing but money and a little time seeing a geneticist and it may give you greater peace of mind–I think you should do it so that whatever decisions you make are made with full information. It would be silly to be sterilized over a 10% chance.

I agree with others who have suggested post-ovulatory rules for NFP.

I personally had 1) a healthy baby girl 2) a healthy baby boy 3) a miscarriage where the baby died around 13 weeks and I had a hospital induction at 15 weeks (I had been just about to announce to my family when we found out the baby had died) 4) a healthy baby girl at 37 years old for me.

The miscarriage really put me in a tailspin for nearly 1.5 years, if you consider the third pregnancy, my surprisingly complicated medical recovery from that, my complicated pregnancy with the fourth baby, and getting through the first postpartum months. I found that having a subsequent healthy baby was very important to my recovery, although it wasn’t an immediate or total cure. I was probably clinically depressed at certain points (for instance when my OB put me on BC pills to control the bleeding I was having after the miscarriage), but having a healthy baby has helped a lot in putting the late miscarriage behind me. I know I was very fortunate to have that healthy baby, and I realize that that particular “cure” is not available to every woman, but it helped me a lot.

Best wishes!

 

[Saber_Mom]

Please go talk with your pastor and reread the CCC. My non-Catholic husband has been sterilized and I regret it so much. I was recommended by my doctors for health reasons to not get pregnant again and my husband pressured me into saying yes for him getting a vasectomy. I even asked two different priests about it who both gave me the okay. I wish I could go back in time with what I know now. I never would have agreed to it. (Yes, it’s his body, but out of respect for me my husband wanted my approval).

Please think this through before acting and try any other methods of NFP. I can’t tell you how much guilt I have now.

(I am on my phone, so I am sorry for any misspellings and bad grammar).

 

[Confused415]

Hi everyone. I am nt sure if you will see this thread since it’s so old but I wanted to thank you all for your prayers and support. We did not seek sterilization. I knew it was wrong but was so angry at the time I didn’t care. But I wanted to update you that I made my peace with it and God pulled us through. I am now ten weeks pregnant again and so far so good but I am praying for a healthy baby and would like anyone that felt called to please pray for us. Thank you!!

 

[Rau]

Hi everyone. I am nt sure if you will see this thread since it’s so old but I wanted to thank you all for your prayers and support. We did not seek sterilization. I knew it was wrong but was so angry at the time I didn’t care. But I wanted to update you that I made my peace with it and God pulled us through. I am now ten weeks pregnant again and so far so good but I am praying for a healthy baby and would like anyone that felt called to please pray for us. Thank you!!

Did you resolve the apparent confusion over NFP - that is, are you clear that you may use this method to avoid pregnancies indefinitely if that is your wish?

I wish you well.