What to do re: love

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LotusCarsLtd

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Here’s the background:

I have a good friend of mine that I like a lot as more than just friends. We’re good friends, we’re open with each other about feelings, thoughts, etc., and we’re both practicing Catholics trying to find our spouses. After several months of agonizing over it I finally gave-in and told her how I felt. She, not surprisingly, told me she didn’t like me like that and we proceeded to have a long and open conversation on dating, love, and so on. We’re still friends (which is good).

Nonetheless I still like her quite a lot. And I do hope that maybe she’ll come around some day, particularly since we get along quite well and I think we’d be great together. I have some feeling that we’ll likely end-up together.

But I don’t know how feasible this is. As much as I like her (and I REALLY like her, I care about her quite a lot) I don’t know if this will ever happen. Friends warned me that she is still a bit immature and not serious about dating despite the fact that she really wants to get married and become a mom (which I find insanely attractive about her…I’d definitely like to have kids with her :)).

In a nutshell I don’t know what to do. What does everyone think? Hold-out or just give-up? Or, more appropriately, how realistic is all this?
 
This is impossible for anyone on CAF to answer intelligently. We simply don’t know her, and even if we did, people change.

My advice - be there for her as a friend, don’t press the love issue, and don’t expect that she’ll ever change her mind. If she does, great. But there’s a chance it may never happen, and you have to be prepared for that.
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
Here’s the background:
I have some feeling that we’ll likely end-up together.
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Right, but lots of people have this feeling when they are in like/ in love. Just ignore it when you’re making your calculations. :p. Best of luck!
 
flyingfish said:
Stay friends with her while dating other girls.
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I know that I’ve probably not provided enough information to allow a thorough judgement of this, but do you think I’ll ever have a chance with her? I sometimes wonder if I love her, not just like her. And the more I think about it the more I realize that I really want to marry this girl someday and have kids with her…she’s going to become an unbelievably holy, beautiful, and amazing wife and mother someday. And I’d like to be that guy.

I like your advice and I’ll take it (I’m taking steps to start dating)…but even with this in mind I haven’t found any other girls that quite match what my friend has in personality, wit, humor, beauty, etc.
 
Havard said:
No one on CAF can answer this with any degree of validity.
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We share many of the same friends. My good (but cautious) friend (who is also friends with her and who is dating her roommate/our friend) stated on numerous occasions that she probably didn’t like me and he didn’t see it working out, precisely because of her lack of seriousness in dating as of right now.
 
I will have to second what Havard said. There’s simply not enough information. What we have is basically the knowledge that you’re friends and enjoy spending time together, you have some connection that way, but she has told you she doesn’t like you that way, plus, she’s somewhat unserious about dating and maybe immature. Basing on this, one can only say, “I don’t know.”

The feeling that you and she will end up together may very well be delusional. I remember being wrong on that point a couple of times. Being immature and not very serious will likely mean inability to form decisive commitment for a while, too. As for supposedly never again being able to find someone like her, that’s a feeling people often have… and are often mistaken in. 😉
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
I know that I’ve probably not provided enough information to allow a thorough judgement of this, but do you think I’ll ever have a chance with her? I sometimes wonder if I love her, not just like her. And the more I think about it the more I realize that I really want to marry this girl someday and have kids with her…she’s going to become an unbelievably holy, beautiful, and amazing wife and mother someday. And I’d like to be that guy.

I like your advice and I’ll take it (I’m taking steps to start dating)…but even with this in mind I haven’t found any other girls that quite match what my friend has in personality, wit, humor, beauty, etc.
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I can’t answer that. It’s possible, I can’t speak as to how likely it is.

You really haven’t provided enough information. How long ago did you ask her out and have her refuse you? Has your relationship been changing since then in a way that would make you think she’ll change her mind?

I’m no expert in relationships, but you might try reinventing yourself so as to make yourself attractive to her in that way. Do you have any idea why she doesn’t like you as a man?
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
Here’s the background:

I have a good friend of mine that I like a lot as more than just friends. We’re good friends, we’re open with each other about feelings, thoughts, etc., and we’re both practicing Catholics trying to find our spouses. After several months of agonizing over it I finally gave-in and told her how I felt. She, not surprisingly, told me she didn’t like me like that and we proceeded to have a long and open conversation on dating, love, and so on. We’re still friends (which is good).

Nonetheless I still like her quite a lot. And I do hope that maybe she’ll come around some day, particularly since we get along quite well and I think we’d be great together. I have some feeling that we’ll likely end-up together.

But I don’t know how feasible this is. As much as I like her (and I REALLY like her, I care about her quite a lot) I don’t know if this will ever happen. Friends warned me that she is still a bit immature and not serious about dating despite the fact that she really wants to get married and become a mom (which I find insanely attractive about her…I’d definitely like to have kids with her :)).

In a nutshell I don’t know what to do. What does everyone think? Hold-out or just give-up? Or, more appropriately, how realistic is all this?
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Bottom line, you have made your feelings known and so has she. That is the end of it for now. If it is too difficult for you (or her) to continue the close relationship under these conditions then tell her this and make appropriate adjustments in how often you see each other and so forth. Continue to Love her as a child of God and a dear, and close, sister in Christ.

Peace
James
 
You know what to do, you just don’t want to man up and do it.

Walk away. Your friend material, not husband material to her. She has expressed herself respect her choice. And the more you hang around her, as her friend, the more painful the knowledge that she has said “no” will become.

Walk away.
 
I don’t know you or your friend, but I will share my experience in a nearly identical situation.

I was a single Mother, Mormon at the time. My best friend was a wonderful Catholic man who babysat for me when I went on dates with other men. He was the only one I trusted with my daughter. We had a friendship for about 3 years that was close. We shared everything. He showed me the love of Christ like no other ever had. Because of his integrity and witness, I became a Christian and eventually a Catholic. For that, I will always be grateful to him. At one point he told me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me. Although I loved him, I wasn’t “in love” with him and told him that I didn’t want to ruin our friendship with that kind of relationship.

After we had been best friends for that 3 years, he became engaged to a Catholic woman. He took her home to meet the parents and everything. I knew our relationship would change and that I would become less important in his life as he grew in his relationship with his wife.

That was nearly 17 years ago. He is still my best friend. Not only that, he is also my husband and we have an additional 2 daughters. His Mom didn’t like his fiancee. 👍

Steph
 
First things first. You never stated how old you are. While some may say that this does not matter, I say it does. When we are young (high school, college, and even some afterwards), our hormones are quite different in our bodies than when we are “grown-ups”. Or what your experience with friendships of the opposite sex are. Those of us (including myself until recently) who don’t have much experience in friendships with the opposite sex tend to inflate things when we start having opposite sex friendships.

Until college, all my friends were girls. Then, when I went to college, I was very inexperienced in talking with guys, and thought that just because they talked to me, they were interested in me that way.

When I was in college, I was certain that I was in love with my one male friend (my best guy friend at the time) and that we would end up together forever. We didn’t start dating until our senior year. And, while I was certain that it would work out, it never did. We are both happily married now (to other people) and remain close friends. But, every time I talk to him, I know that it was just infatuation I felt for him.

Remember, it it human nature to deeply want the things we can’t have just because we can’t have them. And, please keep in mind, that I am not saying that it won’t work out for you. She may be the one that God has made for you. But, as many people have said, there is no way to know whether or not you will end up with this girl in the future. Can anyone know what will happen in the future except God himself? Have you prayed about the situation?
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
I sometimes wonder if I love her, not just like her.
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Love is not some thing we “catch” like the flu or fall into like an unmarked open manhole.

You have love confused with lust or infatuation.

One-sided infatuation is a recipe for disaster.

Love, real love, the kind of love on which a marriage is made is decision. You know when you love her because you have chosen to love her.
 
kage_ar said:
Love is not some thing we “catch” like the flu or fall into like an unmarked open manhole.
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It’s more like a desperate woman with a giant butterfly net, and and the ability to drive really fast to Vegas before the tranquilizer used on the unlucky man wears off. 😃

Or I could also use a box and a path of candy.
 
flyingfish said:
I can’t answer that. It’s possible, I can’t speak as to how likely it is.

You really haven’t provided enough information. How long ago did you ask her out and have her refuse you? Has your relationship been changing since then in a way that would make you think she’ll change her mind?

I’m no expert in relationships, but you might try reinventing yourself so as to make yourself attractive to her in that way. Do you have any idea why she doesn’t like you as a man?
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I made the mistake of taking her on a date over the summer of 2009 when we really didn’t know each other well. Although the date went well she declined a second date on the grounds that “the timing was bad and she wasn’t feeling it”; it was especially bad because I asked her in maybe June or July and she had broken-up with her long-term boyfriend back at Easter of the same year (and they were pretty serious).

I couldn’t get over her though and it continued until I recently (last few weeks, maybe a month) told her how I felt. As for our friendship it hasn’t changed. We’re still friends, we still get along, and we are still cordial with each other. We also know each other much better than we did when I first asked her.

As for reinventing myself I am trying to be more confident (she knows about this problem and has given me advice on being more confident) and I’m trying to be more responsible. But I have no idea why she doesn’t like me and I don’t think I should bother asking.

And after reading the rest of the posts here I feel that maybe I should abandon my efforts to date her and focus on only being her friend. I just wish dating and relationships weren’t so ambiguous and tough.
 
kage_ar said:
Love is not some thing we “catch” like the flu or fall into like an unmarked open manhole.
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Hmm. Well, I think that sometimes, almost contrary to our own sensibilities, we may love someone for perhaps even a long time, but we do not allow ourselves to recognize this until life forces it upon us. At times this may appear to us as jarring as falling into an open manhole. But I do agree that the choice to love (eros) does not ‘suddenly happen’. Even in the case I described, however carefully we may have hidden our motivations from ourselves, the choices were still built up over time.
 
elibrown627 said:
Have you prayed about the situation?
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Yes but I haven’t found a response yet. Although after reading everyone’s posts I think that I should forget about dating her and just focus on being a friend.
 
Havard said:
Hmm. Well, I think that sometimes, almost contrary to our own sensibilities, we may love someone for perhaps even a long time, but we do not allow ourselves to recognize this until life forces it upon us. At times this may appear to us as jarring as falling into an open manhole. But I do agree that the choice to love (eros) does not ‘suddenly happen’. Even in the case I described, however carefully we may have hidden our motivations from ourselves, the choices were still built up over time.
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Oh, very true…
 
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