What to do to prevent/overcome child molestation trauma?

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mommamaree

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Personal history first: my liitle sister was molested by the husband of a woman who ran an in-home daycare. Not sure if my little brother was also. I was at school at these times. Later, by sister and brother started acting out the molestation with each other, which despite counseling through CPS, led to ongoing and sometimes violent incest. Though I was not involved, I was traumatized and had nightmares for years where, in the nightmare, I was doing horrific things to my brother and sister. I think I dreamed this because I felt that I had failed them in not protecting them. Plus, my little siblings were physically abused by other babysitters and their friends at an earlier point and I was unable to stop it. Our family was totally destroyed. My parents divorced and the children scattered. I haven’t seen my siblings in years.
Fast forward to today. I have been blessed with three beautiful children, who are so precious that I never hire babysitters. There are only two women friends that I ask to help me in a pinch. My husband and I never go on dates, period. Except…during RCIA, I had to ask for help. The Easter vigil and the NFP classes were times when we had to have someone watch our kids for a few hours. Thankfully, a good family in our parish saw our predicament and offered their oldest son to watch them. We were so happy for their help.
Until now. Yesterday, I found out that this young man has molested his two little sisters. I knew his behavior had changed. And we had no intention of asking him to babysit again. We were just thankful for the help during RCIA, two years ago. But now, we have had to sit down with our oldest for a difficult conversation to try and ascertain if she or my son had ever been made to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. Thank God, she said no, that they liked playing with toys with him, but that he was too interested in using the computer so sometimes he was just too busy to play. I pray to God that she would tell me if something more had happened. But now I am terrified about ever having help with childcare. I fear that maybe my daughter wouldn’t tell me out of fear or embarrassment.
Plus, all the trauma of my adolescence, which absolutely destroyed the lives of my siblings, has been dredged up again. I am so sad and afraid. I am praying for this family. This was a daily mass kind of family. Their children were altar servers, still are. How can Satan reach in and destroy from within a family that stays so close to the sacraments?
Also, excepting myself by the grace of God, every female family member or friend I have has been molested, sexually assaulted or raped. How can I possibly protect my precious daughters?
 
These are terrible betrayals. My life, too, has been touched by these horrible scenarios. The effect seems to go on and on. I understand your pain. My advice would be to never leave your kids with anyone! Impossible, I know, but how can you trust anyone again? My kids are grown and I didn’t find out what had happened until they were much older. No we all deal with trust issues and suspicions. It has been most unpleasant. There is nothing worse than being betrayed by those you love or trust. My logic tells me that adolescent boys are not a good choice for child care, but I can see how you thought he would be above reproach. Chances are he did not harm your kids, according to what they told you. Do not take a second chance with him.
 
Also, I forgot to mention that I have nightmares about molesting my own children, and have even had “waking terrors” where it is like a nightmare but I am awake. I don’t know what to call those, but they all center on terrifying images of molestation, where I am the person committing the evil act. The daytime ones are particularly paralyzing. It takes me awhile to recover emotionally from.
I guess I am still struggling with guilt over failing to protect my siblings, whose lives were destroyed, and I fear failing again with my own children.
What can I do? Do I go to confession for this, since it is a sacrament of healing, even though I committed no sin? How can I address this? How do I keep my kids safe without isolating them, which is not good either?
 
CAll the police. If you know the pedofile- confront him in front of a large group of family. He knows what he is doing, I did this with my molester- trust me it is very satisfying. Molested persons want to hide but I say stand up and let them know that you will tell anyone who comes in contact with them. REPORT it. There is nothing so bad that we can’t confront and survive heros-God’s help will see you through. Don’t let these bullies control your environment.
 
wildflr8 said:
CAll the police. If you know the pedofile- confront him in front of a large group of family. He knows what he is doing, I did this with my molester- trust me it is very satisfying. Molested persons want to hide but I say stand up and let them know that you will tell anyone who comes in contact with them. REPORT it. There is nothing so bad that we can’t confront and survive heros-God’s help will see you through. Don’t let these bullies control your environment.
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The parents of the young man who molested his little sisters, their daughters, are already working with authorities, from what I understand. The friend who informed me found out from the next door neighbor of this family. All four families know each other from church. The next door neighbor found out by initially discovering one of the molested girls acting out on her own children, but in a less severe manner. That led to more questions and then it all came out. Due to my initial breakdown upon hearing the news, I went home, but my friend promised me a better explanation tomorrow. I plan to ask for certain whether or not the authorities are involved. But I do believe they are.

Also, he is not a pedophile, because he is not yet of age himself, or if he is, he only just turned 18. He is very disturbed though.
 
Educate your children. Much can be prevented by teaching your children to say “no” and not be intimidated by the threats of the perpetrator. Make sure you fill them with confidence that you will defend and protect them should they ever encounter an occasion but that you won’t be able to help her if she doesn’t speak up and tell you. “Fear” is one of the tactics of perpetrators to enslave their victims the other is seduction. Seduction is hard because they lure children by enticing them with something they like.

If she has been victimized, she needs to be dignified by you. She needs constant validation of how precious she is. That she did nothing wrong. She also will need to be walked through the steps of forgiveness because without it she may grow to be angry or bitter and have more problems in the long run. Her perpetrator will always have some control over her life if she holds on to the resentment. Teach her gratitude. Teach her to focus on all the blessings in her life so that she doesn’t get sucked down into the spiral of being a helpless victim.

The hard thing to remember in this scenario is that God values all parties and died for every single one of us. Your kindness to the young man/boy could change his life forever. He also needs to have dignity for himself and others. Just imagine if it was your son who was performing these acts. It would break your heart.

As far as your own experience, your subconscious is probably trying to bring your unresolved issues to the surface to be resolved. In my own experience, forgiveness is the only answer. You have to make a commitment to forgive your brother, sister, parents, and yourself. It will be hard and painful but you have to keep forgiving until it is complete. If you need any help with this, you can private message me. I have been through it myself. I will share details with you about my experience in a private message if you would like.
 
mommamaree said:
Also, I forgot to mention that I have nightmares about molesting my own children, and have even had “waking terrors” where it is like a nightmare but I am awake. I don’t know what to call those, but they all center on terrifying images of molestation, where I am the person committing the evil act. The daytime ones are particularly paralyzing. It takes me awhile to recover emotionally from.
I guess I am still struggling with guilt over failing to protect my siblings, whose lives were destroyed, and I fear failing again with my own children.
What can I do? Do I go to confession for this, since it is a sacrament of healing, even though I committed no sin? How can I address this? How do I keep my kids safe without isolating them, which is not good either?
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I think the hurts caused during your childhood need to be healed. I stumbled upon a very useful meditative prayer in which one recalls all causes of pent up anger, bitterness or any kind of grudge and forgives the person who caused it. When I prayed this in meditation before the Blessed sacrament I experienced a joyful peace that was heavenly. Here’s the link: books.google.co.in/books?id=mnv1NkzgOJ8C&pg=PA5&lpg=PA5&dq=%2214+Prayer+of+Forgiveness%22&source=bl&ots=JtssQjmECg&sig=cjIb5ZeZ8_YCUo184LIwgJ6jd-E&hl=en&sa=X&ei=nIMNUJWGCcHWrQexpYHICA&sqi=2&ved=0CDEQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%2214%20Prayer%20of%20Forgiveness%22&f=false
 
Lady Love and Pitcharan

Both of you mentioned unresolved issues from my childhood that need to be healed. This makes sense because whenever something happens that brings up a memory of this time, I feel like I am right back there. I will never forget the day I found out what had happened to my little sister, and what had been happening in our home. My poor dear little siblings were lost to me after that day. My dad turned his back on us, and ignored our presence and emotional needs and disowned me at 18 (I was his adopted stepchild). He treated my baby sister like used goods.
So panic, fear of abandonment, shame over female bodies, and many other terrifying thoughts and feelings come rushing back. I was the only family member who was NOT offered any form of counseling. My new mantra became “it is not that bad, it is not that bad…”
To this day, I feel as if I have no right to feel traumatized by this, because I wasn’t involved. I feel embarrassed to admit how deeply this affected me. Everyone just assumed that I should be just fine on my own, first with no counseling, then with no father, then with no family or siblings.
How in the world can I handle this? I have only told 3 people. My husband, my mother-in-law, and the godmother of my children. When I try to talk or pray about it, panic sets in and I feel the need to run away, either physically or emotionally shutting down.
 
Please seek some professional counseling and educate yourself as much as possible to protect your daughters.
 
PatriceA said:
Please seek some professional counseling and educate yourself as much as possible to protect your daughters.
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I have thought about this many times, but in order to do this, I would have to hire a babysitter.😦 but I think you are right. This has reached the point where I need some professional help for this.
 
I left a message for the secretary of our priest about needing to speak with him. Hopefully, he will be able to point me in the right direction and get me the help I need so this doesn’t keep haunting me. I don’t know how else to go about seeking counseling. Maybe my family doctor? There is no Catholic Charities office in my area as far as I can tell. How does one go about finding a counselor?
 
mommamaree said:
I left a message for the secretary of our priest about needing to speak with him. Hopefully, he will be able to point me in the right direction and get me the help I need so this doesn’t keep haunting me. I don’t know how else to go about seeking counseling. Maybe my family doctor? There is no Catholic Charities office in my area as far as I can tell. How does one go about finding a counselor?
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Start with your health plan, if you have one, see what doctors are in your network. Your family doctor could recommend someone. I would call your nearest Catholic Charities office though, even if you don’t have one directly in your area. You might call your closest crisis shelter or this website might help you find a good counselor: faq.acf.hhs.gov/app/answers/detail/a_id/1704/~/i-am-an-adult-survivor-of-child-abuse.-where-can-i-find-help-with-emotional,

I know you might have to find a babysitter to get the help you need BUT wouldn’t that be just a tiny problem in the grand scheme of things to keep yourself and your daughters safe and healthy?
 
Huh, just did a quick search on PTSD. Looks like it really is time for me to get some professional counseling.
 
You might want to check a website, pandys.org , for survivors of abuse and those who support It’s not a Catholic site, but I have found it helpful.
 
Thanks so much everyone for all the advice and encouragement and links to resources. I have an appt with my priest, whom I really respect, for next week, as a first step. I am going to also schedule an appt with my family doctor to get a good referral to a psychologist. Although I feel very strange about finally addressing these issues with professional help, my DH and MIL are totally supportive. It would be wonderful to be able to put these terrifying thoughts, nightmares, etc. behind me and move forward with my new life as a Catholic.
 
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