What to do when a priest's homily offends you?

[MrsMeganMc]

Good morning CAF.

I went to 6:30pm mass last night at my church which was celebrated by my associate pastor. I have a lot of respect for this priest - and as much as someone could love their priest - I do. He has helped me through some great challenges. The sensitivity, care, and kindness that he has shown me has been overwhelming.

I was truly shocked by something that he had said in his homily - that I felt was offense and cruel. I can admit - that I am probably more upset by this because of the fact that I know and respect him so much.

What do I do in this situation?

(As a side note - I do not want to get into what exactly he said - as I feel it would open up an entire can of worms)

 

[rkrispies]

My two cents: talk to him. Meet with him privately and voice your concerns. Do so in charity and humility and make sure that he knows how you feel. It may have been a misunderstanding or he said something without thinking it through first, or it may have been deliberate. I don’t know. But I find that talking and clearing up whatever is there is usually not a bad thing.

Chris

 

[bilop]

Good morning CAF.

I went to 6:30pm mass last night at my church which was celebrated by my associate pastor. I have a lot of respect for this priest - and as much as someone could love their priest - I do. He has helped me through some great challenges. The sensitivity, care, and kindness that he has shown me has been overwhelming.

I was truly shocked by something that he had said in his homily - that I felt was offense and cruel. I can admit - that I am probably more upset by this because of the fact that I know and respect him so much.

What do I do in this situation?

(As a side note - I do not want to get into what exactly he said - as I feel it would open up an entire can of worms)

If he is a good orthodox priest, talk to him privately and express your concerns.

Whether or not to do anything beyond that depends on the content. Did he say anything heretical or against the magisterium? Or is this just an issue of how he said something, i.e. you think he presented it insensitively.

If it is the former, and he gives you no satisfaction, then you need to follow up with the pastor, and bishop if necessary. A priest can not be allowed to lead people astray from the pulpit. If it is the latter, express your concerns, and let it go.

God Bless

 

[Middleman]

When I hear something that offends me, I let it roll off my back. Priests are human beings with opinions and biases. These things are bound to slip into their homilies.

I certainly wouldn’t take up his valuable time confronting him on this. Priests are very hard pressed for time with all their responsibilities for so many souls under their care.

 

[MrsMeganMc]

When I hear something that offends me, I let it roll off my back. Priests are human beings with opinions and biases. These things are bound to slip into their homilies.

I certainly wouldn’t take up his valuable time confronting him on this. Priests are very hard pressed for time with all their responsibilities for so many souls under their care.

What he said in his homily deeply hurt me, it was not expressed as an opinion or a bias, but he said something very insenstive and shocking.

Am I not a soul under his care? If his time is too valuable for this - than what should he be spending his time on?

 

[Middleman]

What he said in his homily deeply hurt me, it was not expressed as an opinion or a bias, but he said something very insenstive and shocking.

Am I not a soul under his care? If his time is too valuable for this - than what should he be spending his time on?

If he said something personally directed at you, then you certainly have a right to confront him.

However, if you were personally offended by something not directed at you, then you can decide for yourself. You certainly have a right to confront him if you choose. I would not choose that for myself, which was the question in your title.

 

[jrabs]

What he said in his homily deeply hurt me, it was not expressed as an opinion or a bias, but he said something very insenstive and shocking.

Am I not a soul under his care? If his time is too valuable for this - than what should he be spending his time on?

If his time is tooo valuable for what?
Since we have no idea how to defend you or him - I am just going to address being offended in general.

We - people in general, not you specifically- tend to get offended at things that often convict us or we get offended becuase we interpret the message incorrectly. Does not make the message wrong.

We -once again people in general- can get offended at a truthful, but difficult statement. Does not make the statement any less true - just that it may not jive with our perspective or view of a situation.

Little example - my husband may tell me I eat too many sweets. I am offended because I interpret that as him thinking I am getting pudgy. My husband is not wrong in that I do eat too many sweets. The problem is mine to resolve.

Sit back and examine if it was a truthful statement and you are hurt/offended because you have been “called out” on something. Examine if it was an accurate statement but not in sync with your views.

Just because people get offended does not mean the wrong message was conveyed.

If I am way off base - I am sorry. No way to know given the limited info.

 

[Middleman]

You have a good point about. For instance, if the priest were condemning out of wedlock births and the OP had a child that was born out of wedlock, she might feel hurt and offended. That’s just an example.

Now, if the priest mentioned in his homily that MrsMeganMc was a good example of someone who was undermining the work of the Church by gossiping about other women in the altar society, then that would be inappropriately personal.

 

[MrsMeganMc]

If his time is tooo valuable for what?
Since we have no idea how to defend you or him - I am just going to address being offended in general.

We - people in general, not you specifically- tend to get offended at things that often convict us. Does not make him wrong.

We -once again people in general- can get offended at a truthful, but difficult statement. Does not make the statement any less true - just that it may not jive with our perspective or view of a situation.

Sit back and examine if it was a truthful statement and you are hurt/offended because you have been “called out” on something. Examine if it was an accurate statement but not in sync with your views.

Just because people get offended does not mean the wrong message was conveyed.

If I am way off base - I am sorry. No way to know given the limited info.

I was responding to MiddleMan saying that my priests time was too valuable for me to confront him.

It was a truthful statement that made me feel singled/called out.

Again - I really don’t feel comfortable getting into details here - but the root of it is that the priest knew that I was there. He knows I go to Monday mass and it is held in a small chapel with about 30 people. And for him to make that very harsh statement, which is true - but really had no place in his homily is what really hurt me. I feel as though he should have known better than to say something like that which lacked such sensitivity/compassion when he knows that at least myself - has struggled with certain things.

 

[Middleman]

It sounds to me, Mrs Megan, that you are going to need to discern the answer yourself. I know what you mean, however, I’ve seen my priest do something similar to people. He’s basically off the hook if you confront him because he didn’t name names, so I think you will end up looking like an overly emotional woman if you confront him. I wouldn’t do it, myself, since most of the cards are in his hands.

 

[MrsMeganMc]

It sounds to me, Mrs Megan, that you are going to need to discern the answer yourself. I know what you mean, however, I’ve seen my priest do something similar to people. He’s basically off the hook if you confront him because he didn’t name names, so I think you will end up looking like an overly emotional woman if you confront him. I wouldn’t do it, myself, since most of the cards are in his hands.

Yes - I know what you are saying.

It is very difficult - but what it comes down to, for me, is that if I don’t say something to at least let him know how much that hurt me - than it will affect my relationship with this priest, which I really do not want to happen.

As I said before - a lot of this has to do with the fact that I do have a lot of respect for him. This instance just came out of no where - and is very much so out of his character. He is the most sensitive and caring priest I have ever met. All of these things have just intensified my shock/hurt.

 

[pnewton]

Remember that love is slow to take offense. Since no one here can help you without particulars, then spend some time alone with the Lord. Bear in mind that waiting is an option, along with talking or not talking to the priest.

 

[jrabs]

IIt was a truthful statement that made me feel singled/called out.

Again - I really don’t feel comfortable getting into details here - but the root of it is that the priest knew that I was there. He knows I go to Monday mass and it is held in a small chapel with about 30 people. And for him to make that very harsh statement, which is true - but really had no place in his homily is what really hurt me. I feel as though he should have known better than to say something like that which lacked such sensitivity/compassion when he knows that at least myself - has struggled with certain things.

This is something you need to settle with yourself. Do the other 30 people around you know statement XYZ pertains to you?
If they do not, then perhaps the dear father was indeed preaching to you. His message was for you - now you need to act like a big girl and deal.

Offense is an odd beast. We are adults - we make adult decisions. Some are bad. In all honesty - we do not always need to handled with kid gloves.
It’s not always the priests job. Yes, he should have compassion - but yes, sometimes he needs to hit us hard and bring us around to correct thinking.

Is it also possible that the priests statment did correspond to the reeading though you were too offended to keep your focus and follow along?

 

[MrsMeganMc]

This is something you need to settle with yourself. Do the other 30 people around you know statement XYZ pertains to you?
If they do not, then perhaps the dear father was indeed preaching to you. His message was for you - now you need to act like a big girl and deal.

Offense is an odd beast. We are adults - we make adult decisions. Some are bad. In all honesty - we do not always need to handled with kid gloves.
It’s not always the priests job. Yes, he should have compassion - but yes, sometimes he needs to hit us hard and bring us around to correct thinking.

Is it also possible that the priests statment did correspond to the reeading though you were too offended to keep your focus and follow along?

Whoah.

“Act like a big girl and take it”

Alright - I feel like people are getting the wrong impression. Which I understand as I did not want to disclose details. But for the sake of clarity, I will.

I had an abortion.

I have gone through a lot in the last couple of months to help heal that wound for me - but it is obviously not easy and I am often put into situations which are uncomfortable and I have to deal with it.

My priest has been wonderful and more supportive, sensitive, and caring than I could have imagined.

He started out his homily last night saying how he realized a couple of years ago about how he is capable of killing another person. That we are all capable of killing someone else.

(I will admit - I didn’t hear much else of his homily as I was trying not to start sobbing in the middle of mass)

This was far beyond a “normal” uncomfortable situation. Saying that with me there really hurt me deeply with how much pastoral care he has shown me.

Was it true? Absolutely. Was it necessary? Probably not.

 

[palmas85]

Whoah.

“Act like a big girl and take it”

Alright - I feel like people are getting the wrong impression. Which I understand as I did not want to disclose details. But for the sake of clarity, I will.

I had an abortion.

I have gone through a lot in the last couple of months to help heal that wound for me - but it is obviously not easy and I am often put into situations which are uncomfortable and I have to deal with it.

My priest has been wonderful and more supportive, sensitive, and caring than I could have imagined.

He started out his homily last night saying how he realized a couple of years ago about how he is capable of killing another person. That we are all capable of killing someone else.

(I will admit - I didn’t hear much else of his homily as I was trying not to start sobbing in the middle of mass)

This was far beyond a “normal” uncomfortable situation. Saying that with me there really hurt me deeply with how much pastoral care he has shown me.

Was it true? Absolutely. Was it necessary? Probably not.

It sounds to me like the Priest was merely stating that we are all capable of sin. It doesn’t sound like it was directed at you in any way shape or form. How could a statement that everyone is capable of sin hurt you? It is a fact. We are. Being reminded of that fact I think, is needed from time to time. I really don’t understand your logic with this. Is the priest supposed to tailor every homily in such a way that no ones feelings might possibly be hurt? How could he do that? Is it even possible? Every homily that I have ever heard that dealt with sin has the capacity of hurting someones feelings. Should such homilies never be preached in order to eliminate the chance that someone might be offended?

I think you that are overreacting to something totally innocent.

 

[newf]

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he was trying to offend you.

When your priest said he discovered he was capable of killing another person, I think he may have been trying to say he is very much like you, not better than you. He is capable of sin just like all of us. I get the impression he was trying to come up along side you and others who suffer with this cross. Not trying to have you think he is holier or better than you.

Having said that, I think you should go talk to him and let him know how you feel. He probably has no idea how badly his words hurt you.

 

[MrsMeganMc]

It sounds to me like the Priest was merely stating that we are all capable of sin. It doesn’t sound like it was directed at you in any way shape or form. How could a statement that everyone is capable of sin hurt you? It is a fact. We are. Being reminded of that fact I think, is needed from time to time. I really don’t understand your logic with this. Is the priest supposed to tailor every homily in such a way that no ones feelings might possibly be hurt? How could he do that? Is it even possible? Every homily that I have ever heard that dealt with sin has the capacity of hurting someones feelings. Should such homilies never be preached in order to eliminate the chance that someone might be offended?

I think you that are overreacting to something totally innocent.

He did not say “we are capable of sin” and if he would have said that - it would not have hurt me.

I also did not say it was specifically directed at me.

I do not ask that he tailor things to fit my needs - but - I think it he should approach every homily with compassion for others. He did not display compassion last night.

 

[MrsMeganMc]

Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he was trying to offend you.

When your priest said he discovered he was capable of killing another person, I think he may have been trying to say he is very much like you, not better than you. He is capable of sin just like all of us. I get the impression he was trying to come up along side you and others who suffer with this cross. Not trying to have you think he is holier or better than you.

Having said that, I think you should go talk to him and let him know how you feel. He probably has no idea how badly his words hurt you.

Thank you for your kindness - that is an interesting perspective that I hadn’t thought of before.

I also agree that he probably has no idea how much that hurt me - he is truly a gentle man.

 

[BSHoop96]

Whoah.

“Act like a big girl and take it”

Alright - I feel like people are getting the wrong impression. Which I understand as I did not want to disclose details. But for the sake of clarity, I will.

I had an abortion.

I have gone through a lot in the last couple of months to help heal that wound for me - but it is obviously not easy and I am often put into situations which are uncomfortable and I have to deal with it.

My priest has been wonderful and more supportive, sensitive, and caring than I could have imagined.

He started out his homily last night saying how he realized a couple of years ago about how he is capable of killing another person. That we are all capable of killing someone else.

(I will admit - I didn’t hear much else of his homily as I was trying not to start sobbing in the middle of mass)

This was far beyond a “normal” uncomfortable situation. Saying that with me there really hurt me deeply with how much pastoral care he has shown me.

Was it true? Absolutely. Was it necessary? Probably not.

Well as painful at is was, your explanation explains a lot and now I can say I think you totally took it the wrong way.

You say this is a sensitive, wonderful priest and he has helped you greatly in trying to heal this terrible of wound. Couldn’t he have been using the occasion to point out that even he, a priest, found out he was capable of something as serious as killing? I think perhaps he was sending a message that we are all capable of tremendous sin and through God’s mercy we can be forgiven.

*Perhaps he put himself in the uncomfortable postion of admitting that to help you. *

If he has been as wonderful and sensitive and helpful as you say, perhaps you should have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and listen to the rest of the homily. Perhaps he knows you well and was hoping this would let you know you are not alone and now you have to forgive yourself and “sin no more”.

 

[Incomplete]

When your priest said he discovered he was capable of killing another person, I think he may have been trying to say he is very much like you, not better than you. He is capable of sin just like all of us. I get the impression he was trying to come up along side you and others who suffer with this cross. Not trying to have you think he is holier or better than you.

I read it the same way.