What to do when God and your spouse conspire to force you to follow your dreams?

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mommamaree

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So, my husband is forcing me to come up with some answers to serious questions, such as:
What is your vision? Who do you want to be? What are your deepest longings?

Repeatedly, over the last couple of years, this issue has come up in my life, where I have two paths placed before me, and both are full of good, and the only downside seems to be what is called opportunity cost. Meaning that the only downside is that I cannot walk both paths simultaneously, and would therefore have to say “no” to some things so that I can say “yes” to the other things. I have told my husband that I feel like God is teaching me a lesson that He wants me to ask for things for myself (which I almost never do) and to seek blessings for myself. I have always been a great cheerleader and team player, and have supported and enabled others (especially my husband) in developing their vision and following their dreams. But, I set aside my own vision and my own dreams years ago, when I realized that in order for my husband to succeed in his own career, I would have to forgo any career of my own. I happily did so at the time, and I do not regret that choice, and I even repeated that choice when I withdrew from my PhD program early because I could see that a life in academia would put too great a strain on our marriage and prevent us from starting a family for many years. (Obviously, my marriage and family is at the core of the deepest desires of my heart, but beyond that I could not say.) What I did not realize during all this time is that I apparently lost my ability to dream for myself, and to make decisions without deferring to the desires of others.
So now, I have the decision of a lifetime placed before ME, with lifelong consequences for our whole family, and my husband is asking me to answer these questions honestly and with serious introspection. I know I cannot just say what I think he wants to hear and then just find ways to be happy. God has presented us with this type of scenario repeatedly in the last several years, and I almost am feeling now that God is going to keep doing this until I get it right; meaning, until I finally ask and answer these questions and start partnering with God in the work of creating my life path instead of just acquiescing and going along.

So, how do I rise to this challenge in a short period of time (a matter of a week or so) and overcome a lifetime of surrendering to the will of others? 🤷
 
That’s awesome that you are able to see the hand of God moving in your life. My only advice is pray, pray, pray!!! I’m sure that’s obvious, but it’s good advice nonetheless. :o
 
Pray, praise and take that leap of faith!

If God calls and your husband concurs - go for it! 👍

As someone who also puts her loved ones first; it makes my heart happy to see this in your life. Our families are not young for long; our old people won’t be with us forever. Let us ‘give of our best’ and know that God will give of his best when we follow Him always; even and especially against our 'best interests.

I am SO happy for you! The best of luck and happiness to you, my dear!

Jenny x
 
Why do you have to make decisions within a week? It sounds like you are being pressured to want to do more than what fulfills you (being a wife and mother). There’s nothing wrong with being a team player, unless you are feeling a pull to do something more/different with your life or your family finances require you to seek a professional path.

As others have said, pray. That’s all you can do. Father Timothy Gallagher has some great resources (books, retreats, programming, etc.) that set forth St. Ignatius’ rules for spiritual discernment - they might help you in finding your way.

Good luck! Keep us posted.
 
DAML72 said:
Why do you have to make decisions within a week? It sounds like you are being pressured to want to do more than what fulfills you (being a wife and mother). There’s nothing wrong with being a team player, unless you are feeling a pull to do something more/different with your life or your family finances require you to seek a professional path.

As others have said, pray. That’s all you can do. Father Timothy Gallagher has some great resources (books, retreats, programming, etc.) that set forth St. Ignatius’ rules for spiritual discernment - they might help you in finding your way.

Good luck! Keep us posted.
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I agree with this.

I hope you don’t mind if I speak frankly and say some hard things. Please keep in mind that I am a 56-year old woman/mother on the other side of child-rearing (my daughters are grown), and that means I have some experience.

I am assuming that when you refer to “deferring to the will of others,” you are talking about your children and husband? Who else?

You have posted many excellent threads about your young children. I ask you to please consider that this is NOT the season of your life to re-enter “academia.” This is the season of your life to rear your young children, at least until they are in school themselves.

Unless your husband stays home with them, your young children will have to be placed in “child care.” Whenever you say “childcare,” say, “child-raising.” People don’t “watch” your children, they raise them. Are you willing to allow someone else to raise your children so that you can follow your dreams? If the children do not turn out the way you are hoping they will turn out, how will you live with your choice? You will always blame yourself.

Your “dream” will wait until you are finished rearing your children through their youngest years. You are NOT just “going along.” You are doing the most important work that a woman can do–raising children. All those little things that you do with and for them every moment of every day is of eternal consequence.

Tell your husband that this is not the right season for this kind of decision. Yes, it’s kind and considerate of him to talk to you about subjects other than diapers and potty-training and discipline methods. But right now, your “dream” is raising your little ones and helping them through their most vulnerable and teachable years. Ask him to wait for a few years before pushing you back into your “adult” dream. Academia will ALWAYS be there, in need of new students. But your little children will be gone in just a few short years. Don’t walk away from them.

Finally, think about how tired you are now, trying to raise your little ones. How can you possibly add the pressure of classes and studying to this already draining schedule? From what you have posted in a lot of your threads, your children are not the easy-going, affable, jolly little ones that are willing to go anywhere and eat anything and sleep anytime, and sit playing quietly in a corner while you study. They sound like high-energy little individuals who demand a lot of your time and heart.

Wait. Wait for the right season.

Again, I know this is frank talk. You’re free to reject it all.
 
No, I have zero desire to reenter academia. That is not what this is all about. My dreams are much closer to my children than any of that business. I will still be raising my children, and happily. I only used the mention of academia to show how I happily set aside any thought of career in favor of family. But I have no hobbies, no talents I am developing, and I feel very lonely sometimes. We live in a retirement and snobby horse town. There is never anybody outside during the day in our neighborhood, and I have very few opportunities to socialize. Hence my frequent participation at CAF.

My husband is being brought through the process of being hired for a project in China. If we go, they have excellent private (non-religious) schools. They have a tremendous ex-pat community (65,000 households). The social life for the spouses and families is apparently very active. We would be given a transportation allowance and a gym membership. All the medical care, including paying for maternity care, is covered by an American insurance plan every bit as good as the best one can find in the US. We would have twice weekly housekeeping help. Plus, my husband would get to follow his dreams. Living abroad and having a dream job that is with a company that is devoted to making families happy.

But, it would require me to say goodbye to the couple of friends I do have. We would have to leave our house, our town, our parish. We have just recently put the finishing touches on a play room and school room so that our house is super child friendly and set up for our homeschool. There are a couple of new social opportunities here that may or may not be happening. Upon repatriation, we would return briefly, and would decide whether or not to continue with this company. If we decide to continue with them, we would put the house on the market and move out to So Cal, thousands of miles away.

My quiet, homeschooling lifestyle would be exchanged for an active, louder, busier lifestyle. The kids would go to one of the private schools in Shanghai, simply because we would not pass up that opportunity for them if we were there.

I am used to living far away from family and only seeing them yearly. So this is more about my identity. I will have to reinvent myself and let go of old identifications. Or, we could take the safe route and stay home in the USA.

So it’s down to leave everything behind and start a new life that involves a LOT of travel abroad and private schooling. Or, stay home and continue as usual.
 
Cat said:

“Your “dream” will wait until you are finished rearing your children through their youngest years.”

Depends on the dream. If she’s planning on getting back into Olympic figure skating, maybe not.

I don’t know what the OP’s thoughts are, but I believe she previously did serious work in Japanese and her family is considering a long work stay in China.

Connecting the dots here, it might make sense for the OP to invest seriously in Chinese language study while she is there, as she is quite likely the sort of person who could make considerable progress.

If that’s it, I think that would be a very sensible plan and I think it could add considerably to her and her family’s comfort and happiness if they go to China, and the time away from caring for your family’s needs can easily be justified (within reason).

It is a very interesting coincidence that 1) the OP did serious work on Japanese and 2) Providence seems to pushing her family toward mainland China.
 
Mommamaree said:

“My quiet, homeschooling lifestyle would be exchanged for an active, louder, busier lifestyle. The kids would go to one of the private schools in Shanghai, simply because we would not pass up that opportunity for them if we were there.”

That sounds like a very good idea to at least try. If it doesn’t work, you can go back to what works.
 
mommamaree said:
No, I have zero desire to reenter academia. That is not what this is all about. My dreams are much closer to my children than any of that business. I will still be raising my children, and happily. I only used the mention of academia to show how I happily set aside any thought of career in favor of family. But I have no hobbies, no talents I am developing, and I feel very lonely sometimes. We live in a retirement and snobby horse town. There is never anybody outside during the day in our neighborhood, and I have very few opportunities to socialize. Hence my frequent participation at CAF.

My husband is being brought through the process of being hired for a project in China. If we go, they have excellent private (non-religious) schools. They have a tremendous ex-pat community (65,000 households). The social life for the spouses and families is apparently very active. We would be given a transportation allowance and a gym membership. All the medical care, including paying for maternity care, is covered by an American insurance plan every bit as good as the best one can find in the US. We would have twice weekly housekeeping help. Plus, my husband would get to follow his dreams. Living abroad and having a dream job that is with a company that is devoted to making families happy.

But, it would require me to say goodbye to the couple of friends I do have. We would have to leave our house, our town, our parish. We have just recently put the finishing touches on a play room and school room so that our house is super child friendly and set up for our homeschool. There are a couple of new social opportunities here that may or may not be happening. Upon repatriation, we would return briefly, and would decide whether or not to continue with this company. If we decide to continue with them, we would put the house on the market and move out to So Cal, thousands of miles away.

My quiet, homeschooling lifestyle would be exchanged for an active, louder, busier lifestyle. The kids would go to one of the private schools in Shanghai, simply because we would not pass up that opportunity for them if we were there.

I am used to living far away from family and only seeing them yearly. So this is more about my identity. I will have to reinvent myself and let go of old identifications. Or, we could take the safe route and stay home in the USA.

So it’s down to leave everything behind and start a new life that involves a LOT of travel abroad and private schooling. Or, stay home and continue as usual.
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OK, this sounds good. It sounds like it will enhance the upbringing of your children and help them to widen their horizons and develop a global mindset.

With today’s technology, you hopefully can keep up with friends and family here in the states.

I see more positives than negatives in this plan.
 
Xantippe,
You did connect the dots very well. I am asking more generally how to answer these questions.
No matter how much terror I feel over the idea of abandoning American life and living abroad, likely for much of my children’s childhood, I have a really hard time with the idea of saying no. Taking the safe route feels like the coward’s route.
They do pay for Mandarin lessons for me. And there is a bilingual private school so the kids can learn it, too. During the time of preparation for leaving, we would be learning Mandarin at home. My oldest daughter, who is unaware of our plans, has recently started talking about how much she wants to visit China and learn the language. It is a weird “coincidence”.
 
mommamaree said:
Taking the safe route feels like the coward’s route.
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Not necessarily. Doing crazy, exciting stuff for the sake of not being ordinary is not wise. It all depends on the circumstances.

I’m wondering about this: why does this opportunity need to be presented as something related to you and your identity. Why not see this as a decision about what is best for the family? Also, there is nothing wrong with going along and supporting others. If you are happy like that just carry on doing it and being happy. Maybe at some point you will strongly desire something for yourself and will make decisions accordingly.

(BTW, does this mean they have made him an offer? 🙂
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Not necessarily. Doing crazy, exciting stuff for the sake of not being ordinary is not wise. It all depends on the circumstances.

I’m wondering about this: why does this opportunity need to be presented as something related to you and your identity. Why not see this as a decision about what is best for the family? Also, there is nothing wrong with going along and supporting others. If you are happy like that just carry on doing it and being happy. Maybe at some point you will strongly desire something for yourself and will make decisions accordingly.

(BTW, does this mean they have made him an offer? 🙂
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Nothing official yet. This is a weird process. They have had the “mobility” expert contact us to bring us up to speed on what all our allowances would be, in addition to the normal salary. She talked with us for about an hour last night. He leaves tomorrow for the final round of interviews in So Cal. We should know something next week.

The reason this decision is tied to me is because I have been given veto power. If at any time, I don’t want to do this, I can put the kabosh on everything. In addition, it would be a tremendous transformation of lifestyle for me, whereas for my husband, it would be less so. He would still go to work with other people just like himself, and he had lived abroad for years while he was a minor. He retains his identifications. I give up many of my own.
 
mommamaree said:
He retains his identifications. I give up many of my own.
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What do you want more: to retain the identifications (home-schooling mom, etc.) or to try out something new? (Because the offer - if made - sounds pretty amazing. It doesn’t get much better than that.)

When we were making the decision on going abroad a few people observed that by leaving home I would sacrifice a few things for my husband’s career. But I didn’t feel that way at all, I saw moving as an opportunity for myself even though it wasn’t career related. It was an opportunity for my own personal growth, for new experiences and learning, for an adventure.

So it really depends on what you prioritise at this point and how your self identification works. It can easily be that what is best for your husband is also best for the children AND for you at this point in your lives.
 
ContraMundum said:

'It can easily be that what is best for your husband is also best for the children AND for you at this point in your lives."

Yes!
 
If I were to be completely honest with myself, I would prefer not to be at home every day all day until my youngest (not-yet-born) child graduates high school. While my daughter did not do well at the parish school, I LOVED my active days while she was at school. I ran errands and did outings.
I also miss my old pre-baby self. I was active, totally into fitness and nutrition. But a decade of 7 pregnancies and nursing four babies has taken its toll. If we go to Shanghai and then So Cal, we would be living in communities with a greater focus on healthy lifestyles, and would have access to excellent gyms.

But I feel guilty about the idea of NOT homeschooling. If my kids get a poor education, or if they lose their faith due to exposure to secular teaching that despises Christianity, it would be all my fault. So I think my fears have a lot to do with choosing a path that neglects my children and puts them in harm’s way. Identifying with the Catholic homeschool movement was a way for me to deal with those fears. But truth be told, my husband asked me to homeschool and I agreed to do it, because we saw the problems our oldest was having at the school, not because it was my choice for myself.

Of course, if they go to private school in Shanghai, I would still use the same religion curricula series to do catechesis and sacramental prep at home (and enroll them in CCD if they offer that at the international parish, as my son will be preparing for his first Holy Communion overseas).
 
My number one concern would be “how would this affect my relationship with God?”
  • what is the faith community like
  • how would the school enhance our values
  • would I be able to attend Mass weekly/daily/on holy days of obligations
  • could my family receive the sacraments regularly
  • Will this help my husband and I grow in our faith and marriage
These would be the first questions I would ask. If I thought this path would actively help my faith life to grow, then I’d address the other issues.
 
I want to go, I think. But I am afraid of letting go of what I have worked hard for here, even though I will be the first to admit that I don’t have much to show for it.
The other Catholic homeschooling families at our parish do not associate, or if they do, they do not invite us. Our social circle includes families from the parish school, who do not understand why we had to leave the school. So my identification is with an idea, not with actual living, breathing people with whom I am in relationship. It is frustrating and lonely in this town.
Our closest friends, who would miss us terribly, would be horrified if we passed up this opportunity.

I have always wanted to live abroad. I love House Hunters International.
 
MomaMary8 said:
My number one concern would be “how would this affect my relationship with God?”
  • what is the faith community like
  • how would the school enhance our values
  • would I be able to attend Mass weekly/daily/on holy days of obligations
  • could my family receive the sacraments regularly
  • Will this help my husband and I grow in our faith and marriage
These would be the first questions I would ask. If I thought this path would actively help my faith life to grow, then I’d address the other issues.
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The first thing I addressed is that there are international parishes with English Masses every Sunday and Holy Day. If the offer comes through, we will meet with our pastor to discuss apostolic succession questions, because after all, this is China we are talking about. The rest of the questions are unanswerable, until we actually begin the process of expatriation. That is when we select an apartment, school, parish, etc.
Beyond all that, I will be Catholic, no matter where I am on the Earth. It is the universal Church, whether in Texas or Timbuktu.
But there is no way of knowing how this move would affect my marriage or spiritual life. I cannot see the future, but I can only do the good things I know how to do to nurture both, no matter where I am.
That is why I say that both paths are full of good, and the only downside I see is opportunity cost.
 
Dacinom said:
This part of your post really jumped out at me.

God bless you, if you are going to make a big move like this (which could be wonderful by the way!) I urge you to please make sure that you are doing it for primarily POSITIVE reasons. Naturally you are going to be nervous of certain things, that would be normal. However when I read your posts here it seems you are trying to prove something.

Dear one you do not need to prove anything to anyone. You are a child of God, a beloved daughter of a King. Whether you surrender the rest of your life scrubbing pots and pans and never cross the street again or whether you cross the seven seas one hundred times and back again on several adventures, you have endless value!

In your first post you seemed to speak of surrendering to the will of others as somewhat of a negative. However Jesus Christ calls us to serve. Jesus Christ did not come to this earth and tell us to go out and become “Go Getters” he did not tell us to “Take the world by storm” or to “Fulfill our dreams” he told us to SERVE. You are doing a wonderful job! Of course Jesus wants you to be happy in your life, but do not look down on yourself for all the years of your life that you gave to your husband and children you are an example of a true Christian! If you go to China that is wonderful, if you stay home that is wonderful too. **Just make sure you see the value in yourself no matter what you decide. ** God bless you.
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I want my husband to be happy. It does bother me that I am not currently as happy as I could be. I am troubled by my lack of ambition and my sedateness. Of course, I am currently pregnant, and my pregnancies are not pleasant. I miss my more adventurous self. I have dampened my desire for fun and adventure because of constant pregnancies and nursing and running herd on my little ones, who are not the cooperative sort.
I lived in Cleveland for a while when my oldest was a toddler. She and I would pack the stroller and walk out the door and be gone all day. My husband would go on long term business trips and we would pack the car and drive to visit him or visit family back home in Indiana. My current town has no sidewalks and nowhere to go and nobody to see and people hate kids here. So, while I want my husband to be happy, I also acknowledge that I am quite miserable here, and have lost who I was, and through fear, become identified with something I am not sure I want for myself.
I don’t want to prove anything to anyone. I just want to figure out what desires God has placed in my heart, and root out the patterns that are based in fear.
You ladies here are really really helping me do that! All of your questions and concerns and perspectives have really helped me to focus.
 
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