What to do when Parents wont agree to wedding date?

[mchale]

Having read your post, I think you do need to have a discussion with your mother about your life. It is unfortunate but true that many parents want to live vicariously through their children. This seems to be the case with your mother, she desires not only to plan your wedding but also your career and your life.

There are many weddings planned successfully in 8 or 9 months (my brother’s rather large wedding took 9 months). Indeed the most compelling reason to start early is reserve the church and the reception hall. Since you have already taken care of that, you are well on your way to getting things done.

Ultimate your mother needs to understand that while you value her (name removed by moderator)ut, this is your wedding not hers and you are having it when you and your intended want to, not when your mother wants to. If you mother had a compelling reason for the wedding not being that weekend (if for example she had a prior committment that she could not get out of) that would be different.

–
Bill

 

[Catherine_W]

It is unfortunate but true that many parents want to live vicariously through their children. This seems to be the case with your mother, she desires not only to plan your wedding but also your career and your life.

I think this is the case with my mom. I have always been a good daughter, really never caused them any trouble and exceeded in school, but she pushes me so hard to do the things she wants. For example my career, she has wanted me to be a doctor since I was little and she painted a world that looked like if I wasn’t a doctor I would starve to death or just be destitute. I do respect the medical profession and I have even applied to med school and been accepted (just to appease my mom) but I am not going. I get sick when people just talk about illnesses and I faint when I see any blood. I have done well in my classes but I do not enjoy the classes that are preparing me for medical school. Instead I have found another area of health care that I am truly passionate about (but has less financial benefits) but my mom can not accept this. She would like me to go to med school, based only on the reason that that’s what she wants me to do. And she doesn’t see a problem with this thinking. She would never admit to her self that she is controlling or trying to live vicariously through me… but this is the case for sure. She always cries and makes it seem like I am just ruining her life by not becoming a doctor. She says that all her concern is for me… but this cant be because she is pushing me into a career that I would not enjoy. She does this with every part of my life… and I can’t let this continue into my marriage. But I don’t know how to make her realize, in her mind I just don’t care about her by not pursuing the path she wants for me. She thinks she knows what God wants for me better than I do my self. I love her and don’t want to upset her, but I can’t live my life for her. I just wish I could find a way to make her understand. Any advice?

 

[hasikelee]

I think this is the case with my mom. I have always been a good daughter, really never caused them any trouble and exceeded in school, but she pushes me so hard to do the things she wants. For example my career, she has wanted me to be a doctor since I was little and she painted a world that looked like if I wasn’t a doctor I would starve to death or just be destitute. I do respect the medical profession and I have even applied to med school and been accepted (just to appease my mom) but I am not going. I get sick when people just talk about illnesses and I faint when I see any blood. I have done well in my classes but I do not enjoy the classes that are preparing me for medical school. Instead I have found another area of health care that I am truly passionate about (but has less financial benefits) but my mom can not accept this. She would like me to go to med school, based only on the reason that that’s what she wants me to do. And she doesn’t see a problem with this thinking. She would never admit to her self that she is controlling or trying to live vicariously through me… but this is the case for sure. She always cries and makes it seem like I am just ruining her life by not becoming a doctor. She says that all her concern is for me… but this cant be because she is pushing me into a career that I would not enjoy. She does this with every part of my life… and I can’t let this continue into my marriage. But I don’t know how to make her realize, in her mind I just don’t care about her by not pursuing the path she wants for me. She thinks she knows what God wants for me better than I do my self. I love her and don’t want to upset her, but I can’t live my life for her. I just wish I could find a way to make her understand. Any advice?

Very few people make it into the medical field unless they have a passion for some aspect of it.

Also, the medical profession has an image of being a rich way of life, but I think the future of our healthcare system is too shaky to count on it.

I would be a doctor even if I had to pay my patients and not the other way around. You should find a job that makes you feel the same!

 

[Catherine_W]

Are you the only girl? That might explain why she has such an image of your wedding day as a big event.

Yep, I’m the only girl and the oldest child. It’s just me and my brother (I am also very close to my brother, besides my fiancé he is my next closest best friend). So it seems I’m always the one that has to approach things first…(for example: when I was a freshman in high school I was asked to a dance by another freshman and I would always say no, because I didn’t think my mom would ever allow this, but when it came time for my brother to be a freshman in HS … he went to his HS dance and it was no big deal) I hope by the time my brother gets to his wedding my mom will be a little more laid back. But with her, this may never happen.

 

[1ke]

But I don’t know how to make her realize, in her mind I just don’t care about her by not pursuing the path she wants for me.

You can’t. This is all in her head and in her attitude. You cannot change her.

You can only change YOU and how you react to her.

Perhaps the book Toxic Parents would help.

I love her and don’t want to upset her, but I can’t live my life for her. I just wish I could find a way to make her understand.

Stop beating your head against a wall. Honestly, you may not be able to avoid “upsetting” her. But really, most of that upset is just for show anyway. Just ignore it.

It’s OK to assert your own desires and it’s OK if someone does not agree. The best thing you can do is stop requiring approval in the form of making sure no one is “upset”. It gives others control and only you can give that control away.

I’m sorry this is so hard.

 

[rayne89]

I think this is the case with my mom. I have always been a good daughter, really never caused them any trouble and exceeded in school, but she pushes me so hard to do the things she wants. For example my career, she has wanted me to be a doctor since I was little and she painted a world that looked like if I wasn’t a doctor I would starve to death or just be destitute. I do respect the medical profession and I have even applied to med school and been accepted (just to appease my mom) but I am not going. I get sick when people just talk about illnesses and I faint when I see any blood. I have done well in my classes but I do not enjoy the classes that are preparing me for medical school. Instead I have found another area of health care that I am truly passionate about (but has less financial benefits) but my mom can not accept this. She would like me to go to med school, based only on the reason that that’s what she wants me to do. And she doesn’t see a problem with this thinking. She would never admit to her self that she is controlling or trying to live vicariously through me… but this is the case for sure. She always cries and makes it seem like I am just ruining her life by not becoming a doctor. She says that all her concern is for me… but this cant be because she is pushing me into a career that I would not enjoy. She does this with every part of my life… and I can’t let this continue into my marriage. But I don’t know how to make her realize, in her mind I just don’t care about her by not pursuing the path she wants for me. She thinks she knows what God wants for me better than I do my self. I love her and don’t want to upset her, but I can’t live my life for her. I just wish I could find a way to make her understand. Any advice?

I have a a dear friend that you really remind me of. Her mom wanted her to be a nurse. For her 13th birthday that got her a cake with a nurse on it. It was always expected she would be a nurse. She was first born, always trying to please her family and not upset her family. She went to college and became a nurse, an RN. The she got married, worked as a nurse for one year and then got pregnant and has been a stay at home mom since with no intentions of ever going back into nursing.

Her wedding was also taken over by her family. Even though she was American born her parents were from Europe and she had a very ethnic wedding. Her husband was American for several generations but it didn’t matter to her family. They had accordian players and a photographer that barely spoke English (who created an awkward moment when he insisted on the groom’s parents exchaning a kiss for a photo despite the fact they were divorced.) She hated her flowers that were gawdy and her father insisted on every family member on their side of the family being announced as the entered the reception hall. I don’t know how she tolerated it. She has a younger sister who simply said "No, I’m having the wedding I want,"and she did and nobody curled up and died. They all still get along well.

You are a grown woman getting married, it is not your job to make your mother happy. You don’t have to make her understand you just have to tell her no. You are not responsible for her tears, it is not wrong to want to chose your own career or plan your own wedding. If she cries and carries on that is her issue not yours. Why do you care so much about her feelings when she seems to care very little about yours? You are not obligated to live the life your mother has planned out in her mind for you and it is she who is wrong for expecting that.

 

[maria29]

Hi!
So my fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and engaged for one year. We have spent the last few years discussing our future life together and have focused on how to best have a marriage where God is the center of it. We both believe God is calling us to married. We are so close; we talk about everything and are each other’s best friend. I am 21 and he is 23. I will graduate from my undergraduate degree this May, and he has already graduated and is now perusing his Masters Degree in Architecture. And as soon as I graduate I will start my masters degree in Public health. We are basically financially independent from our parents, I have paid for my entire education by my self, and my fiancé is doing the same. Since we are students when we get married we wont have much money, but we will have the same things to pay if we were together or not (just cheaper rent because we will be living together instead of separate). I really believe we are ready for marriage and we are going through all the necessary preparation and trying to think through every aspect of marriage (even children ).

So… the point of my post: My fiancé and I really want to get married this August. And we just started making plans and letting our family know this January. We have already reserved a church and reception place. And we don’t want to spend too much on our wedding, if we only had the Marriage ceremony in the church (with our family there) and nothing else, we would be completely happy. My parents had offered to pay for the wedding, but my mom thinks we must have a reception and nice flowers and expensive photos and so on. And she does not think there is time to make all these preparations. She doesn’t want us to get married in August, just thinking about it makes her cry and cry. She wants us (tells us) to wait another year (at least) so she can have a year to plan the wedding. Also she is very busy with my younger brother so she says she doesn’t want to focus on a wedding now.

**Is it something that is a serious issue with your brother? Does she have a valid point with this one? To the flowers issue yes you can make your own but it can be expensive too depending on what you want…My mother is a florist so trust me i know how expensive flowers can be!

For my wedding since both my parents are artists they wanted a say in everything…It was just easier to say yes and there were times that I got upset with my dad for being so overbearing with things(my husband and i will have been married for 4 years this year)…Well my dad died last year and I can only say that i am so happy now that i let him have his way because I feel now that it helped make him feel like he was important and his way of showing love for me **

But I tell her, she doesn’t have to do anything for our wedding, just show up and be happy… but this is not an option for her. She has other reasons for not wanting us to get married including: She is very success driven, and she thinks when I get married I will stop caring about my career and education. And she has always wanted me to be a doctor (even though I have never wanted to) and she thinks if I get married her dream will never come true. Also, my parents have not had the greatest marriage - they don’t communicate well (I can’t remember a time in my life when they got along, they don’t ever touch or kiss or even sleep in the same room) and she sacrificed her career for her children (me and my brother) and I think she likes to re-live her life though me.

So what should I do, get married in August and hope my mom will come… or wait an entire year just to make her happy?

Also, does anyone have advise as to something I could tell her that could change her mind, it seems like everything I say has no effect.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Not to be sarcastic, or cynical, or nasty: If you let your mom, she will pick the groom, the names of your children, and your mini-van.

Grown-up women (such as you seem to be- applause!) plan their own weddings; and if strings are attached to family generosity in this regard, pay for said weddings with their intendeds, according to their own budgets, scaling down where necessary. So, to quote Nike, just do it.

If you pull a search here, there was a thread quite awhile back on very nice weddings without spending a lot of money. Pay attention to the time of day when you have the reception (breakfast, lunch and mid-afternoon are a lot less expensive than brunch and supper). And take it from there.

 

[pio_s]

What if the reason the mother does not want them to be maried is because, she does not want to support them like she is now, once CatherineW is married. Is it a reasonable objection to wait a year because she thinks that they should be able to completley support theirselves once married. If they wait the year, i believe they would be in the same situation with not being able to completley support theirselves, however CatherineW would be able to stay under the parents life insurance (w/ the military) a little while longer. The parents would be contributing roughly the same amount to the new family (CaterineW and her Spouse) as they would to just CatherineW. Should they wait until they do not need any assistance from the parents or what? I am just trying to show the mothers position fully, and i see there are large cracks in it, but what are your opinions now.

By the way I am CatherineW’s brother, Sorry the post may be confusing, but it is a confusing issue.