What to do when people are rude at Mass?

[Mr.Lutz]

I, most times, have with me a cute tract-size document holder in which I keep copies of Pillar of Fire in four languages. They are meant to give to chance encounters, and I would probably hand one out on the spot to any one whose egregious behaviour at church reasonably indicates that he needs some Catholic instruction… with a smile.

 

[kaymart]

mjdonnelly:

Mine also. We would find out the meaning of ‘the fear of God’ when we finally made it home. That is if they didn’t remove us from mass on the spot, go outside to take care of the issue, and then return. As kids, we were always more afraid of the returning part, since everyone would know and would be ‘staring at us’.

True, if I did this I would have to either Kneel or Stand, because my butt would be beat red for such horrible behavior in Mass, I would not be able to sit. I would never dream of acting that way in Mass, either would my own children and grandchildren today. But then again I had mature parents who didn’t act like morons in Mass. Who taught us to Respect God’s House and we passed that down through the Generations.

 

[MichelleTherese]

My parents taught me to have deep respect for the Elderly. I can always hear her voice in my head, “RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!!!” If I am in line waiting for a seat at a restaurant and there are old folks behind me I say, “You can have the table.” I’d never even dream of stayinig seated anywhere an making and Elder stand. I was very impressed with New York City: on the subways folks gave their seats to the Elderly and many times men gave their seats to women! Very impressive.

These staring folks at Mass got on my nerves so much because they totally distracted me. Half they time with all of their whispering and moving around they kept blocking my view of the altar. At the concecration I had to lean sideways out into the isle to see and at that point I was ready to growl like a dog. Christian Chairty was the farthest thing from my mind!!

There are two types of kids at Mass: Out of Control Little Brats and Normal Kids. Normal Kids are squrimy and start talking at all the wrong times and you hear mom hissing throughout the Mass, “Be quiet.” The really young ones let out screeches and coos but don’t really have any kind of fits. Young ones also do stare but that’s pretty normal for weeuns. The brats though…they don’t shut up and they throw temper tantrums and instead of marching their little butts outside Mom and Dad either ignore them or give them the spinless treatment of, “Mommy and Daddy would reeeeeally like it if you’d be quiet…” Like any kid is going to respect that! No wonder they are brats.

Luckily my pew contained three Normal Kids and their antics at least helped to sooth my rising temper as the Staring Trio kept up their circus act. It’s hard to say something nasty when you hear a little boy stage-whispering, “Mommy that lady looks funny with that curtain on her head!” You go from being angry to trying not to wet your pants as you muffle your laughter. Meanwhile the mom is horrified and turning as red as a beet hehehe
Kids say it how it is!!

I do find myself feeling sorry for The Staring Trio. I wonder how many real friends they have? I feel sorry for all of the good people they’ll never know because of their additude. I do find myself wanting to skip choir, sit behind them again and then hand them tissues every time they turn around hehehehe
Oh yeah, and this time I’ll wear a big outrageous party hat with feathers and beads and plastic fruit!!! (I wonder what the three boys will have to say about THAT?)

 

[Theresa_Anne]

About not telling other people’s kids to behave…

assault??? Read this and tell me who was assaulting whom.

I was at church. There was a young mother and two children, the girl about ten, and boy about 5, seated to the front and to left of me. To the left of them was the altar. So the mother’s range of vision was to not to be able to see her children unless she turned to look at them. And every time the mother turned to pay attention to Mass, her daughter would pinch her little brother in some way. Arm, leg, belly…

He’d squirm and wiggle and tug at his mother’s sleeve. And then she’d turn and shush him, seating him back on the pew, between her and her daughter, where he would sit and pout.

Then just before Communion time, the little girl reached back to her brother’s ear lobe and took it beween her thumbnail and first fingernail and rolled the ear lobe very carefully while he cringed in fear of moving. If he moved she pinched harder.

All the people surrounding saw this display of bullying… The man and woman who sat directly behind them sat there, wide-eyed, in shocked horror. I leaned over, said “excuse me” to the man next to me, pushing him gently aside.

I took the girl by the wrist very gently, but firmly, and softly told her “If you hurt that little boy again, I am taking you out that door right there. Now, go kneel on the other side of your mother.” She about climbed her mother’s back to get away from me.

Her mother turned, and I smiled at her and I mouthed “I will explain later.” She nodded and smiled back. The man and woman next to me whispered “thank you” to me, and the little boy smiled the sweetest smile up at me, touching my hand. He was good as gold thru the rest of Mass, quietly entertaining himself with the hymnals and pictures on the walls. Sitting with unusual patience for his age, exactly where his mother had put him.

The girl kept leaning back to pek around her mother, to watch me from the corner of her eye the rest of Mass. I just pointed forward. And true to my word, I explained to the mother, who turned out to be partially deaf, what her daughter had been doing. The little boy was profoundly deaf.

Everything I said was said in kindness. I told the mother that what I had witnessed was far too practiced to be a one time incident. I asked her to ask her son about it, which she did right then and there. The girl started ot leave and I told ehr sit down. She did. I asked the mother to get help for her daughter, possibly through school. She thanked me and the little boy hugged me. The little girl glared at me.

I used to run a daycare center for 12 years, and I fully recognized all the signs of a bully. And this girl was a classic. She acted totally oblivious to all the adults around her. Why? Because nobody cared to stop what she was doing, and so she thought it was okay to do it. Unless her mother turned around and caught her.

Her mother needed the support of other adults telling the child the behavior was bad.

Those 3 busybodies are bullies. And they are certainly old enough to know better.

I would have simply said to the 3 staring people “It’s really not polite to stare and whisper about people, would you please be so kind as to stop? Thankyou.” And it can be said softly enough to only carry so far as the people around me. And if they didn’t stop, I would inform an usher.

It’s part of an usher’s duty to stop people from disturbing other people at Mass.

This wasn’t like they HAD to do what they were doing. If themother had formed bad havbits, then at least maybe you oculd reach the daughters at an early enough age. Teens embarrrass easily. Sometimes doing a little bit of “shame on you” action is a greater kindness to them, in the long run, than to let them keep doing that.

Too many people mistake bullying as self-confidence.

This isn’t like a man in our church who carries an oxygen tank which puffs and wheezes all through the Mass, or an infant who can be cradled and hushed with a bottle. This is people of an age to know better, who are INTENTIONALLY behaving rudely and have NO right to do so.

And it actually would embarrass me more to HAVE to say something than to sit through the Mass being stared at.

Theresa Anne

 

[kaymart]

Theresa Anne:

About not telling other people’s kids to behave…

assault??? Read this and tell me who was assaulting whom.

I was at church. There was a young mother and two children, the girl about ten, and boy about 5, seated to the front and to left of me. To the left of them was the altar. So the mother’s range of vision was to not to be able to see her children unless she turned to look at them. And every time the mother turned to pay attention to Mass, her daughter would pinch her little brother in some way. Arm, leg, belly…

He’d squirm and wiggle and tug at his mother’s sleeve. And then she’d turn and shush him, seating him back on the pew, between her and her daughter, where he would sit and pout.

Then just before Communion time, the little girl reached back to her brother’s ear lobe and took it beween her thumbnail and first fingernail and rolled the ear lobe very carefully while he cringed in fear of moving. If he moved she pinched harder.

All the people surrounding saw this display of bullying… The man and woman who sat directly behind them sat there, wide-eyed, in shocked horror. I leaned over, said “excuse me” to the man next to me, pushing him gently aside.

I took the girl by the wrist very gently, but firmly, and softly told her “If you hurt that little boy again, I am taking you out that door right there. Now, go kneel on the other side of your mother.” She about climbed her mother’s back to get away from me.

Her mother turned, and I smiled at her and I mouthed “I will explain later.” She nodded and smiled back. The man and woman next to me whispered “thank you” to me, and the little boy smiled the sweetest smile up at me, touching my hand. He was good as gold thru the rest of Mass, quietly entertaining himself with the hymnals and pictures on the walls. Sitting with unusual patience for his age, exactly where his mother had put him.

The girl kept leaning back to pek around her mother, to watch me from the corner of her eye the rest of Mass. I just pointed forward. And true to my word, I explained to the mother, who turned out to be partially deaf, what her daughter had been doing. The little boy was profoundly deaf.

Everything I said was said in kindness. I told the mother that what I had witnessed was far too practiced to be a one time incident. I asked her to ask her son about it, which she did right then and there. The girl started ot leave and I told ehr sit down. She did. I asked the mother to get help for her daughter, possibly through school. She thanked me and the little boy hugged me. The little girl glared at me.

I used to run a daycare center for 12 years, and I fully recognized all the signs of a bully. And this girl was a classic. She acted totally oblivious to all the adults around her. Why? Because nobody cared to stop what she was doing, and so she thought it was okay to do it. Unless her mother turned around and caught her.

Her mother needed the support of other adults telling the child the behavior was bad.

Those 3 busybodies are bullies. And they are certainly old enough to know better.

I would have simply said to the 3 staring people “It’s really not polite to stare and whisper about people, would you please be so kind as to stop? Thankyou.” And it can be said softly enough to only carry so far as the people around me. And if they didn’t stop, I would inform an usher.

It’s part of an usher’s duty to stop people from disturbing other people at Mass.

This wasn’t like they HAD to do what they were doing. If themother had formed bad havbits, then at least maybe you oculd reach the daughters at an early enough age. Teens embarrrass easily. Sometimes doing a little bit of “shame on you” action is a greater kindness to them, in the long run, than to let them keep doing that.

Too many people mistake bullying as self-confidence.

This isn’t like a man in our church who carries an oxygen tank which puffs and wheezes all through the Mass, or an infant who can be cradled and hushed with a bottle. This is people of an age to know better, who are INTENTIONALLY behaving rudely and have NO right to do so.

And it actually would embarrass me more to HAVE to say something than to sit through the Mass being stared at.

Theresa Anne

Bravo :clapping: You handled that beautifully and its also refreshing to hear about a young mother who doesn’t scream at you because corrected her child. If you see her again let her know this. She’s a good Mom.

 

[Chris_Jacobsen]

If someone sat near me in church and started doing things that made me feel very uncomfortable, I would get up and move to a different pew.

 

[JCPhoenix]

I have a good friend with a little boy who has very special needs. Just the same, she made sure that he understood that at Mass, he is to behave. Through her very loving and yet strict guidance, he learned to sit through Mass very quietly although he is difficult to “contain” otherwise.

They actually remedied this partially by sitting in the front row so that she could easily redirect his attention to what he could actually SEE.

So one day when a woman was refusing to discipline her children behind in the 2nd row…children who were old enough to know better, my friend turned around and directed the unruly child to be quiet and pay attention to what Father was doing.

The mother chastized my friend for her intervention. My friend simply told the woman that her children were far to old to be behaving in such a way and that her excuse that “they were only 6” or whatever age was ridiculous when she could clearly see my friend’s son sitting calmly and quietly–and he was only 2 1/2 or so… She told the woman that if she would not move to teach her children proper behavior, she herself would be happy to do so.

Apparently other people in the surrounding pews nearly applauded.

I’m not a mother, so I really am not sure what to do if children around me are out of control. Happily I sit in a place where this is typically not an issue. I have foudn this thread to be very informative, and thanks to you parents for your tips as to how to intervene with other people’s children if necessary.

 

[Brenda_V]

MichelleTherese:

I do find myself feeling sorry for The Staring Trio. I wonder how many real friends they have? I feel sorry for all of the good people they’ll never know because of their additude. I do find myself wanting to skip choir, sit behind them again and then hand them tissues every time they turn around hehehehe
Oh yeah, and this time I’ll wear a big outrageous party hat with feathers and beads and plastic fruit!!! (I wonder what the three boys will have to say about THAT?)

Michelle Therese,

You do have the right attitude about these three and they were being rude but I would like to give a different perspective on what may have been going on with them (although constantly turning around and staring kind of defeated any apparent desire to settle down which in the examples below, we were trying to do).

When I was 11 and 12 we lived on an Air Base in Germany. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer (which ended up either being misdiagnosed or miraculously disappeared), my sister broke her wrist and my dad spent a good month or three in the hospital with carbuncles and other ailments (turned out to be percursors to his type 2 diabetes). Anyway, you now have the scene - we were very stressed as a family - my mom did not get her international drivers license so we couldn’t go anywhere we didn’t walk to or the base bus didn’t take us to. It wasn’t that bad as everything was within walking distance except the library and post office but the bus took us there.

Now picture the three of us, my mom, sister and myself, at Mass - no dad because he was at the hospital and two flies start to mate on top of my sister missal! We got the giggles so bad that we had the hardest time stopping and everytime we looked at each other we would start again.

Another time, my mom had stripped in the bathroom getting ready to bath before going to Mass and company shows up - now you must remember that we were all girls in the house at the time so she could go from bathroom to her room just wrapped in a towel- she dressed out of the laundry basket, company left barely in time for us to go to Saturday Evening Mass so off we go and sit in the back. The whole time my mom can not figure out what that lump is on her leg, she kept thinking “now what, a varicose vein that will need to be taken care of? Weren’t breast cancer which I ended up not having and my husband in the hospital all this time and my daughter breaking her arm enough God?” Up she goes to communion and someone steps on something sticking out of her pant leg, they don’t go to communion but continue to step on it and my mom is now dragging her leg as, you will never guess, a pair of panty hose comes slipping out of her pants as she gets far enough away, want to talk about the giggles at an in-appropriate time? Well, there we are, giggling as we try to keep our minds on Jesus!

I can tell tons of stories of when and how we got the giggles at Mass that year but I won’t, what I wanted to do was illustrate how sometimes what appears to be rudeness ends up being someone under dire stress and Mass is one place that we relax enough to no longer have a hold of ourselves and just so you know, in those several months of medical stresses we either had to laugh or cry or go absolutley nuts!

Always give the person being rude the benefit of the doubt - also remember that mantillas are not common in some parishes - in mine they are pretty common as well as other veils and head coverings but I belong to a very orthodox (for lack of better word) Parish.

Also, those of you who correct a child, remember that sometimes there are extenuating circumstances there too and if mom isn’t happy with you doing the correcting she may be under more stress than you know and that just added one more embarassment and stress to her life! I say, ask if you may correct and then do it if mom or dad says okay, don’t assume it is. Say something to the effect that children will often mind a stranger when they won’t mind a parent this allows the parent to save face while you and those around you get the satisfaction of the child being nicely corrected.

Brenda V.