What to do when wife won't do/doesn't believe in NFP?

[IgnatiusBenedic]

Rye,

My wife’s health wasn’t life-threatening. The medication was prescribed to minimize dilation of her cervix and the bed rest was to take pressure off of her cervix. These methods are very standard in preventing an early delivery. Both of my daughters were born healthy with the exception of needing some help with their oxygen. They did not have to be in the NICU as they just needed some help breathing for a few days after birth. Both of my girls are healthy as can be. And by the way, I am thankful for whatever God has given me. It’s not a sin to want a son or two or three.

Also, I’m not against adoption by any means. It should be the alternative for the women seeking abortions. But don’t get me started on abortion.
I’m not against us adopting a son if we couldn’t have any more children. The doctors never once said that we should stop having babies. In fact, our doctor told us that if we do have another child, there are other methods they can do to stop dilation of the cervix (cervical cerclage). My wife is worried as LittleDeb had pointed out. She’s afraid of the unknown. She doesn’t trust in God’s providence and holy will as much as she should. She says herself that she’s a worrier and needs to trust God more.

Believe me, I’m not insensitive to her wishes. I want the best for her health-wise and if having another child posed a serious health risk to her, I too would suggest limiting our family size. But that’s not the case. Her life was in NO risk during the pregnancy or delivery. Besides, I don’t believe it’s God’s will for us to have more than 4-5 children. I’m not sure it’s His will he wants us to have 4 or 5 now. I’m just open to what God wants to do in our lives.

Anything that tends to be inconvenient, my wife wants to avoid it. That’s just her personality. Bed rest seemed inconvenient to her. Whereas I looked at it as an opportunity to serve her and to provide a good example as the servant-leader of my home by getting her meals, doing laundry, cleaning the house, tending to our 1st child, etc. etc. She wasn’t totally restricted to bed. Every day she was down on the couch where she could be with everyone else. She also wasn’t required to spend 100% of her time laying down. She could get up and walk around every now and then. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds. She just had a very bad attitude about the whole thing right from the start. She had the opportunity to “offer it up to the Lord” in her sufferings, but instead most of the time decided to complain about the situation. I’m not being insensitive here. I busted my tail for her while she was on bed rest and I will joyfully bust it again for her and our girls if she has to be on bed rest again if we’re blessed with another child.

Two children in 2 years is not that big of a deal! Ya know, I help out with a lot more than most husbands I’m sure. I cook, I clean house, I take out the trash, I take care of both our girls, I do midnight feedings, I change diapers, I do laundry, I sweep floors, I mow our yard, etc. etc. It’s not like I come home from work to veg out on the sofa. I’m very engaged in what goes on around the house with chores. My wife has it easier than she thinks she does. Also, she’s a teacher which is a very honorable career. It’s not like she’s an executive of a major company who barely has time for her family. She has her summers off along with weekends and holidays. Give me a break too!

About our faith situation. I posted a link that explained what’s going on with all that in my last post (page 6 I believe). Let me just say here that no, I didn’t plan on becoming Catholic before we married. Let it be known that I was very anti-Catholic and had no intentions of it. But, one can’t stop the hand of the Holy Spirit and here I am. It’s the best decision I’ve ever made. My wife was raised in a family that misunderstands the Catholic Church and her teachings. What she thinks is the Catholic Church, is in NOT the Catholic Church. When I found out about the infallible teaching on contraception (see Humanae Vitae), I couldn’t do it any longer. I especially couldn’t let my dear wife whom I love put that **** into her body with the birth control pill. My wife was on the birth control pill at the beginning of our marriage when I didn’t know its effect on her body and the fertilized egg. Does that mean one can not change their views?!? Are you suggesting that because something was so before we got married, it’s not allow to change after our vows? If so, I think that’s ludicrous. I once thought abortion to be ok in the circumstances of the baby being mentally handicapped. But now, since the truth on the dignity of every human life has been revealed to me, I’m 110% ProLife. No exceptions. God changes hearts and minds in His own time. There’s a reason why I discovered the Catholic Church and NFP after we got married. God wants all to come to the fullness of the faith in the Catholic Church and I know He’s using me to reach my wife.

-James

 

[flyingfish]

Rye,

My wife’s health wasn’t life-threatening. The medication was prescribed to minimize dilation of her cervix and the bed rest was to take pressure off of her cervix. These methods are very standard in preventing an early delivery. Both of my daughters were born healthy with the exception of needing some help with their oxygen. They did not have to be in the NICU as they just needed some help breathing for a few days after birth. Both of my girls are healthy as can be. And by the way, I am thankful for whatever God has given me. It’s not a sin to want a son or two or three.

Also, I’m not against adoption by any means. It should be the alternative for the women seeking abortions. But don’t get me started on abortion.
I’m not against us adopting a son if we couldn’t have any more children. The doctors never once said that we should stop having babies. In fact, our doctor told us that if we do have another child, there are other methods they can do to stop dilation of the cervix (cervical cerclage). My wife is worried as LittleDeb had pointed out. She’s afraid of the unknown. She doesn’t trust in God’s providence and holy will as much as she should. She says herself that she’s a worrier and needs to trust God more.

Believe me, I’m not insensitive to her wishes. I want the best for her health-wise and if having another child posed a serious health risk to her, I too would suggest limiting our family size. But that’s not the case. Her life was in NO risk during the pregnancy or delivery. Besides, I don’t believe it’s God’s will for us to have more than 4-5 children. I’m not sure it’s His will he wants us to have 4 or 5 now. I’m just open to what God wants to do in our lives.

Anything that tends to be inconvenient, my wife wants to avoid it. That’s just her personality. Bed rest seemed inconvenient to her. Whereas I looked at it as an opportunity to serve her and to provide a good example as the servant-leader of my home by getting her meals, doing laundry, cleaning the house, tending to our 1st child, etc. etc. She wasn’t totally restricted to bed. Every day she was down on the couch where she could be with everyone else. She also wasn’t required to spend 100% of her time laying down. She could get up and walk around every now and then. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds. She just had a very bad attitude about the whole thing right from the start. She had the opportunity to “offer it up to the Lord” in her sufferings, but instead most of the time decided to complain about the situation. I’m not being insensitive here. I busted my tail for her while she was on bed rest and I will joyfully bust it again for her and our girls if she has to be on bed rest again if we’re blessed with another child.

Two children in 2 years is not that big of a deal! Ya know, I help out with a lot more than most husbands I’m sure. I cook, I clean house, I take out the trash, I take care of both our girls, I do midnight feedings, I change diapers, I do laundry, I sweep floors, I mow our yard, etc. etc. It’s not like I come home from work to veg out on the sofa. I’m very engaged in what goes on around the house with chores. My wife has it easier than she thinks she does. Also, she’s a teacher which is a very honorable career. It’s not like she’s an executive of a major company who barely has time for her family. She has her summers off along with weekends and holidays. Give me a break too!

-James

I really don’t mean to be harsh, and I am telling you this for your own benefit.

Your attitude seems insane to me. A threat to a woman’s life is not the only just reason to use NFP. Just because your wife’s life wasn’t in danger from having to be on a permanent IV full of drugs to prevent her cervix from opening and on bed rest for 2 months, doesn’t mean that is not a serious health event.

You really have to tread carefully here. It would be one thing if your wife agreed with your extremely strict (and more-Catholic-than-the-Pope) interpretation of when it is permitted to use NFP, and was willing to subject her body and mind to that again. But she is not on the same page as you.

So let me tell you, to your wife, and I daresay to a lot of women who would read this story, you come across as an extremely insensitive man who only cares about one thing: having your wife produce you a son, no matter how high the cost (although, to be fair to you, you do stop with a threat to her life).

If I were you, I’d go get down on your knees in front of your wife, beg her to forgive you for pushing her and trivializing what she went through, thank her from your heart for the two children she gave you, and tell her that any future children is entirely up to her. And forever stop asking her for another child.

Otherwise, I think you will destroy your marriage. Your wife will see you as an insensitive jerk who won’t put her needs above your own. She will not feel safe with you.And her love for you may errode.

 

[IgnatiusBenedic]

I really don’t mean to be harsh, and I am telling you this for your own benefit.

Your attitude seems insane to me. A threat to a woman’s life is not the only just reason to use NFP. Just because your wife’s life wasn’t in danger from having to be on a permanent IV full of drugs to prevent her cervix from opening and on bed rest for 2 months, doesn’t mean that is not a serious health event.

You really have to tread carefully here. It would be one thing if your wife agreed with your extremely strict (and more-Catholic-than-the-Pope) interpretation of when it is permitted to use NFP, and was willing to subject her body and mind to that again. But she is not on the same page as you.

So let me tell you, to your wife, and I daresay to a lot of women who would read this story, you come across as an extremely insensitive man who only cares about one thing: having your wife produce you a son, no matter how high the cost (although, to be fair to you, you do stop with a threat to her life).

If I were you, I’d go get down on your knees in front of your wife, beg her to forgive you for pushing her and trivializing what she went through, thank her from your heart for the two children she gave you, and tell her that any future children is entirely up to her. And forever stop asking her for another child.

Otherwise, I think you will destroy your marriage. Your wife will see you as an insensitive jerk who won’t put her needs above your own. She will not feel safe with you.And her love for you may errode.

Flyingfish,

Excuse me? You don’t mean to be harsh, but you certainly are. First of all, I think if I were you I’d do a check-up on your attitude and learn how to talk to people with a little respect, dignity and class. You have NOOOO clue what the dynamics are in my marriage other than what I’ve shared on this thread. You don’t know me and you certainly don’t know my wife. So back off and I ask you remove yourself from posting on this thread immediately.
“A threat to a woman’s life is not the only just reason to use NFP.” - flyingfish
Second of all, that sentence sounds like a garbled thought. I’m not sure what faith tradition you hail from, or if you have any faith at all. It doesn’t matter because even if you were a Catholic you obviously are not up to speed with what the Church teaches on sexuality and marriage. NFP is the ONLY approved way for spacing children. I prefer to be faithful to the Magisterium to the best of my ability and what you call “extremely strict”, I call following Christ and the Church. Also, I checked with my priest and he instructed after speaking with a Moral Theologian that if we were to avoid having children the only way to do so morally is with NFP, NOT BIRTH CONTROL!

I wish you wouldn’t “tell me, my wife, and any woman who reads this story” because the “advice” (for lack of a better word) you provided me was nothing but chastisement and scrutiny. As far as I can tell you have nothing good to tell anybody.

Do you know the mental or physical well-being of my wife during her pregnancies? No you don’t. You were not here. You Flyingfish are incorrect in saying “all I want is for her to produce me a son no matter the cost” as if the only value I see in my wife is not that of a friend and companion through life, but rather that of a “baby machine”. Please! You are in no place to be making any judgment calls.

I haven’t trivialized anything. I have thanked her many times for what she went through in having our second child. Would you Flyingfish have known that?? I’m not the only one who wanted these two girls. And for the record “Dr. Phil”, my wife and I will decide TOGETHER along with God if we are to have anymore children. Thank you.

 

[flyingfish]

“A threat to a woman’s life is not the only just reason to use NFP.” - flyingfish
Second of all, that sentence sounds like a garbled thought. I’m not sure what faith tradition you hail from, or if you have any faith at all. It doesn’t matter because even if you were a Catholic you obviously are not up to speed with what the Church teaches on sexuality and marriage. NFP is the ONLY approved way for spacing children. I prefer to be faithful to the Magisterium to the best of my ability and what you call “extremely strict”, I call following Christ and the Church. Also, I checked with my priest and he instructed after speaking with a Moral Theologian that if we were to avoid having children the only way to do so morally is with NFP, NOT BIRTH CONTROL!

Of course, I never said you should use birth control! But I am saying that the kind of thing that your wife went through with her pregnancy is a just reason to use NFP for the rest of the marriage to avoid pregnancy.

In your post you seemed to say that you should only use NFP if a pregnancy would threaten your wife’s life, and since being on a permanent IV and bedrest for 2 months did not threaten her life, it is not enough reason to prevent future pregnancies.

Do you know the mental or physical well-being of my wife during her pregnancies? No you don’t. You were not here. You Flyingfish are incorrect in saying “all I want is for her to produce me a son no matter the cost” as if the only value I see in my wife is not that of a friend and companion through life, but rather that of a “baby machine”. Please! You are in no place to be making any judgment calls.

I’m sorry I came across that way, to be honest I was upset to see that you were implying that what your wife went through was not a big deal, and that she should have been relaxed and happy because she was resting while you were doing all the chores. You also criticized her negative attitude about being in such a severe situation.

The situation you described of being hooked up to an IV and mostly laying down for 2 month sounds extremely severe to me. It may not have been life threatening, but it’s very far from a normal pregnancy, and certainly falls into the category of extreme circumstances.

I haven’t trivialized anything. I have thanked her many times for what she went through in having our second child. Would you Flyingfish have known that?? I’m not the only one who wanted these two girls. And for the record “Dr. Phil”, my wife and I will decide TOGETHER along with God if we are to have anymore children. Thank you.

Has your wife read this thread? What does she think about what you type? It doesn’t really matter what I or anyone here thinks. The only thing that matters are your wife’s thoughts.

I am just saying that you should be careful about pressuring her. In the end, she is the one who has to get pregnant, and for her pregnancy seems to be a severe health issue. Your wife loves you and wants to make you happy. Don’t take advantage of that. If you push her too much you may destroy your marriage.

 

[IgnatiusBenedic]

Flyingfish,

“In your post you seemed to say that you should only use NFP if a pregnancy would threaten your wife’s life” -flyingfish
No, I didn’t mean for what I said to come across like that. I thought I was clear in my postings that I wanted to do NFP because it’s the healthy, natural, Church-approved way, but my wife is against it because it’s “too Catholic” and she sees nothing wrong with ABC.

I want you to trust me when I say my wife’s condition was not bad while she was on bed rest. She was in good spirits most of the time, but she complained quite often. She was mostly upset that she couldn’t help out and felt like she was helpless and had to rely on me to do everything. Look, I just thought it would have been a good time for her to make spiritual sacrifices during that time. Isn’t that what the Christian faith calls each one of us to? I mentioned in a previous post that anything that is inconvenient my wife tries to stay away from. She gets that mentality from her parents. I just thought she didn’t take advantage of the situation and chose to look at it negatively rather than as an opportunity to advance spiritually.

Flyingfish, I was very angry at you (and I don’t even know you) when I read your reply. It flowed into my response and I was not very charitable to you. I say I’m sorry and I ask for your forgiveness.

 

[ryecroft]

Rye,
The problems your friend is encountering are absolutely *not *part of Catholic teaching. The Church has always been proactive in higher education for women. We have at least 2 female doctors of the Church. The Jesuits are a teaching order. Many Catholic universities are Jesuit. (Although these days many of those same universities are now more secular than Catholic, but that is a whole 'nother thread.)

And in reference to this thread. The Church has* never ever *taught that a woman must be perpetually pregnant. She says that children are a blessing and limiting them should only be for serious reason and that there is only one way to prevent pregnancy, and that is abstinence. The Church leaves it to the individual couple to discern serious reason.

O.K> - if I implied that these were things the Cahtolic Church taught - I apologize - except for the thing about having to be open to your husband - this is something I’ve read that in the past was pretty much the norm of thinking, etc - and this person - my friend’s husband wants to go with that which I agree is not right - the reason I wrote this post was not to go over the problems my friend has but to ask the on that got the information about the marriages give me a source or something from a catholic source (other than the chatecism - I won’t even go over the opinion he has of that) so that I could give her something to shove in his face and if necessary have her take her leave of him before she goes bloody well nuts having to take care of another child without help.
God Bless
Rye

 

[Consecrated]

Rye,

My wife’s health wasn’t life-threatening. The medication was prescribed to minimize dilation of her cervix and the bed rest was to take pressure off of her cervix. These methods are very standard in preventing an early delivery. Both of my daughters were born healthy with the exception of needing some help with their oxygen. They did not have to be in the NICU as they just needed some help breathing for a few days after birth. Both of my girls are healthy as can be. And by the way, I am thankful for whatever God has given me. It’s not a sin to want a son or two or three.

snip]

-James

It is wonderful that you are trying so hard to be a good spiritual head of your household and that you desire God for your beloved wife. Your desires for more children are also completely normal, natural and good, and ought to be lovingly considered by your wife. Just as her fears and concerns ought to be lovingly considered by you. The remark in a post above from FlyingFish (I think) to the effect that all decisions about more children in your marriage should be totally deferred to her is off-base, IMO. Such lopsidedness is not healthy in any marriage.

That said, might I make some observations? First, have found in my marriage that the surest way to bring on conflict (and my DH and I are both cradle Catholics, equally devout!) is to start adding up all the things I do for him and our family and compare it with what he does. It is never favorable to him when i do this , not because he does little for our family (he carries a huge load) but because of my temporarily distorted vision of things. This is how you came across in this post… detailing all the wonderful things you are doing for your wife and family, and comparing those unfavorably to your wife. When i start doing this, i have to take a step back, apologize to God for my pride, and ask Him to help me change my focus away from myself. Not easy, but necessary.

You recognize that your wife could be much more happy and joyful if she would just cultivate a relationship with Christ. This is definitely true. I’m sure you already know this, but the only One who can effect this desire in your wife’s heart is God. If God desires to use you as an instrument in this, the only way He can use you is if you mortify your will for your wife and family, offer it totally up to God, and pray. Otherwise you’re just going to be in His way, so to speak. Your *quiet *prayer and example will do more to bring about God’s will in your wife’s heart and in your family, than all the words you could string together in a a million lifetimes. No matter how erudite the words. For instance, her attitude about pregnancy. You will never ever be able to change her attitude. BUT you can work with God in her heart by praying and praying for her, and practicing works of charity, selflessness, and humility in your marriage. And the result will be truly miraculous, and prolly not at all what you expected or would have forced about by your will. Again, using my marriage to explain, if I notice my DH struggling with something, like he’s starting to use the computer to escape (ooo i totally do this, too!) and he’s really not helping out as much as we need around here, then i find that it’s much more effective bring it to prayer for a while first. Sometimes that’s all it takes , and he suddenly comes to me “My dear Consecrated, I’ve been on the computer too much lately… sorry about that, I’m backing off.” (yes, it’s really happened! ) If I need to say something, i find that the timing, words, and overall communication are all much much better after I’ve taken a couple days and made a conscious effort to mortify my own will, and try to look at things from God’s POV, and DH’s.

Just because you know (rightfully) that ABC is not the answer, doesn’t mean that it’s at all possible to somehow convince her yourself. ONLY GOD can change her. ONLY GOD. Keep repeating that, ad nauseum.

It’s a timely reminder for me, too… I’m constantly tempted to pick at my DH to change this or that.

 

[IgnatiusBenedic]

It is wonderful that you are trying so hard to be a good spiritual head of your household and that you desire God for your beloved wife. Your desires for more children are also completely normal, natural and good, and ought to be lovingly considered by your wife. Just as her fears and concerns ought to be lovingly considered by you. The remark in a post above from FlyingFish (I think) to the effect that all decisions about more children in your marriage should be totally deferred to her is off-base, IMO. Such lopsidedness is not healthy in any marriage.

That said, might I make some observations? First, have found in my marriage that the surest way to bring on conflict (and my DH and I are both cradle Catholics, equally devout!) is to start adding up all the things I do for him and our family and compare it with what he does. It is never favorable to him when i do this , not because he does little for our family (he carries a huge load) but because of my temporarily distorted vision of things. This is how you came across in this post… detailing all the wonderful things you are doing for your wife and family, and comparing those unfavorably to your wife. When i start doing this, i have to take a step back, apologize to God for my pride, and ask Him to help me change my focus away from myself. Not easy, but necessary.

You recognize that your wife could be much more happy and joyful if she would just cultivate a relationship with Christ. This is definitely true. I’m sure you already know this, but the only One who can effect this desire in your wife’s heart is God. If God desires to use you as an instrument in this, the only way He can use you is if you mortify your will for your wife and family, offer it totally up to God, and pray. Otherwise you’re just going to be in His way, so to speak. Your *quiet *prayer and example will do more to bring about God’s will in your wife’s heart and in your family, than all the words you could string together in a a million lifetimes. No matter how erudite the words. For instance, her attitude about pregnancy. You will never ever be able to change her attitude. BUT you can work with God in her heart by praying and praying for her, and practicing works of charity, selflessness, and humility in your marriage. And the result will be truly miraculous, and prolly not at all what you expected or would have forced about by your will. Again, using my marriage to explain, if I notice my DH struggling with something, like he’s starting to use the computer to escape (ooo i totally do this, too!) and he’s really not helping out as much as we need around here, then i find that it’s much more effective bring it to prayer for a while first. Sometimes that’s all it takes , and he suddenly comes to me “My dear Consecrated, I’ve been on the computer too much lately… sorry about that, I’m backing off.” (yes, it’s really happened! ) If I need to say something, i find that the timing, words, and overall communication are all much much better after I’ve taken a couple days and made a conscious effort to mortify my own will, and try to look at things from God’s POV, and DH’s.

Just because you know (rightfully) that ABC is not the answer, doesn’t mean that it’s at all possible to somehow convince her yourself. ONLY GOD can change her. ONLY GOD. Keep repeating that, ad nauseum.

It’s a timely reminder for me, too… I’m constantly tempted to pick at my DH to change this or that.

Consecrated,

Thank you so much for your kind and generous advice. All you said is wise and worthy of imitation. I will try my best. I do pray for her (not religiously) when things are going bad around the house. I need to get better about praying for my wife on a daily basis.

When I listed the things I was doing around the house while my wife was stuck on bed rest, it was not to give myself glory. Sorry it came across that way. I was merely trying to let the readers know that unlike the one posters husband who comes home from work only to sit in front of the TV while his wife (the poster) takes care of the house work and expects to have all these children so she can take care of them, that I am quite different in helping my wife around the house. I wanted to point that out so the readers understand I’m actively responsible with chores and my wife is in a different situation than what the lady poster is in. Please understand I try hard to exercise humility in my personal life (sometimes it doesn’t sound like it from my posts) and I know I’m very very blessed to have my dear wife. I don’t deserve her, but am honored she chose me as her husband.

 

[Consecrated]

Consecrated,

Thank you so much for your kind and generous advice. All you said is wise and worthy of imitation. I will try my best. I do pray for her (not religiously) when things are going bad around the house. I need to get better about praying for my wife on a daily basis.

When I listed the things I was doing around the house while my wife was stuck on bed rest, it was not to give myself glory. Sorry it came across that way. I was merely trying to let the readers know that unlike the one posters husband who comes home from work only to sit in front of the TV while his wife (the poster) takes care of the house work and expects to have all these children so she can take care of them, that I am quite different in helping my wife around the house. I wanted to point that out so the readers understand I’m actively responsible with chores and my wife is in a different situation than what the lady poster is in. Please understand I try hard to exercise humility in my personal life (sometimes it doesn’t sound like it from my posts) and I know I’m very very blessed to have my dear wife. I don’t deserve her, but am honored she chose me as her husband.

you’re welcome.
and my apologies. You sound like a great, hands-on kind of husband.

 

[Bluegoat]

This stuck out for me:

Flyingfish,

Look, I just thought it would have been a good time for her to make spiritual sacrifices during that time. Isn’t that what the Christian faith calls each one of us to?

The difficulty with this is that we are never called on to ask other people to make spiritual sacrifices, only ourselves.

Also, pregnancy is a funny thing. It is very intimate. Sometimes in pro-choice circles you hear women talk about a baby as an “invader” in their bodies. There is a lot wrong with that, but it does represent a real feeling that many women have, of their most personal, intimate self being taken over. This is much exaggerated when it really affects day to day activities, or requires invasive medical care.

To try and put pressure on someone to undertake that is very touchy indeed.

I think it also might be a good idea to let up on asking your wife to become pregnant again - she knows you would like that. Also, there are tons of children - not babies - out there who really need homes, and unless people who are fertile step up too they will not get them. I don’t think being fertile means adoption isn’t also part of one’s calling.

As for NFP, maybe you and she could agree to drop it for 6 months and then revisit it. Right now it seems that a lot of emotions are getting in the way. It’s not ideal from your POV, but might really help in the long term.

 

[Consecrated]

This stuck out for me:

The difficulty with this is that we are never called on to ask other people to make spiritual sacrifices, only ourselves.

yes. This. absolutely. :yup:

 

[newbetx]

I’m not commenting on the OP’s situation here but to some side comments about abstinence in general.

Discussions about “costantly available for the husband” or about how “NFP ruins a marriage.” I’m no marriage counsellor. But the church does not advocate long term abstenance. In fact any abstenance should be mutually agreed to by the couple. Of course, both should agree to attempt such an act that would likely cause a pregnancy.

I’ve always wondered about the perspective of sex to these couples. Certainly we know that sex helps to bond a couple. It also “blinds” a person to the partner’s (lets call them) annoying habits. So for the “NFP ruined our marriage” types, I wonder if maybe, they are suffering from either a wrong decision to marry or other current issues that lack of sex for even a short time allows to bring to focus.

NFP is stressful. I lived that. But I found ABC caused more trouble in our relationship than NFP did. Personal experience shared by DW, BTW.

In much of the chastity discussions with teens, focus is on how, while the person doesn’t believe the partner is good for them, they “can’t leave” due to the effects of having a sexual relationship with them. It would be logical to conclude that if a couple were chaste prior to marriage, practicing abstinence after marriage would be a small issue and not a major stress point.

IMO, any man that thinks of his wife as “constantly available” has a very poor understanding of what spousal love and relationship should be.

Church teaching is clear (and has been for some time)… sex is a gift. So is fertility. Both are to be used prudently by a married couple.

Now, for a couple, if they are not on the same page as to what sex is or is meant to be, this is a great problem for one of them. Sex has risk. ABC or NFP. Marriage has risk. The idea of marriage without it is along the lines of “having cake and eating it too.”

I tend to agree that sexual issues are more of a symptom than the problem. The problem needs to be discovered and addressed before these types of issues can be resolved.

 

[flyingfish]

I want you to trust me when I say my wife’s condition was not bad while she was on bed rest. She was in good spirits most of the time, but she complained quite often. She was mostly upset that she couldn’t help out and felt like she was helpless and had to rely on me to do everything. Look, I just thought it would have been a good time for her to make spiritual sacrifices during that time. Isn’t that what the Christian faith calls each one of us to? I mentioned in a previous post that anything that is inconvenient my wife tries to stay away from. She gets that mentality from her parents. I just thought she didn’t take advantage of the situation and chose to look at it negatively rather than as an opportunity to advance spiritually.

What does your wife say about the whole thing? Would she agree with you that her condition was not bad and that she was in good spirits most of the time?

Sacrifices are a tricky thing I would say. As another person pointed out, it is one thing when we make them ourselves, and entirely something else when we expect others to make them for us.

Flyingfish, I was very angry at you (and I don’t even know you) when I read your reply. It flowed into my response and I was not very charitable to you. I say I’m sorry and I ask for your forgiveness.

It’s okay, I apologize as well since my own post was not charitable to you.

 

[IgnatiusBenedic]

I’m not commenting on the OP’s situation here but to some side comments about abstinence in general.

Discussions about “costantly available for the husband” or about how “NFP ruins a marriage.” I’m no marriage counsellor. But the church does not advocate long term abstenance. In fact any abstenance should be mutually agreed to by the couple. Of course, both should agree to attempt such an act that would likely cause a pregnancy.

I’ve always wondered about the perspective of sex to these couples. Certainly we know that sex helps to bond a couple. It also “blinds” a person to the partner’s (lets call them) annoying habits. So for the “NFP ruined our marriage” types, I wonder if maybe, they are suffering from either a wrong decision to marry or other current issues that lack of sex for even a short time allows to bring to focus.

NFP is stressful. I lived that. But I found ABC caused more trouble in our relationship than NFP did. Personal experience shared by DW, BTW.

In much of the chastity discussions with teens, focus is on how, while the person doesn’t believe the partner is good for them, they “can’t leave” due to the effects of having a sexual relationship with them. It would be logical to conclude that if a couple were chaste prior to marriage, practicing abstinence after marriage would be a small issue and not a major stress point.

IMO, any man that thinks of his wife as “constantly available” has a very poor understanding of what spousal love and relationship should be.

Church teaching is clear (and has been for some time)… sex is a gift. So is fertility. Both are to be used prudently by a married couple.

Now, for a couple, if they are not on the same page as to what sex is or is meant to be, this is a great problem for one of them. Sex has risk. ABC or NFP. Marriage has risk. The idea of marriage without it is along the lines of “having cake and eating it too.”

I tend to agree that sexual issues are more of a symptom than the problem. The problem needs to be discovered and addressed before these types of issues can be resolved.

I absolutely agree with you!

 

[Consecrated]

Church teaching is clear (and has been for some time)… sex is a gift. So is fertility. Both are to be used prudently by a married couple.

I agree with your thoughts, too. I would add, though, that in addition to being prudent with both gifts of intimacy and fertility, the couple should strive to balance this with generosity.