What to do when you DON'T want what God wants?

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Convert_in_99

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As many here know I’ve been battling a very aggressive chronic illness that, while thankfully not life-threatening, keeps me mostly homebound and often bed-ridden with intense physical pain and relentless fatigue. It is also having a huge toll on my mental health. After two years of this I just am so frustrated with God not healing me. I don’t want one single day more of this. It’s just more than I can bear. I’m done, done, DONE!

But, the cross remains. It haunts me and is forcing itself upon me, day after day, pain-filled hour after hour. I can’t do my wifely duties, keep house, care for the dogs, go anywhere or do anything without reprocussions (i.e. Severe Pain and symptoms.)

What do I do? I’ve tried surrendering. I’ve tried accepting this as my cross but I’m so tired of suffering through this nightmare. I know others do and with worse illnesses than I have. I even get the terrible thoughts that, yeah Jesus suffered unimaginably more than me but at least he got to die after three days. I know that’s not good thinking but I’m just totally exhausted from suffering day in and day out, year in and year out with no end in sight. How do others cope? How do you still be loving and thankful towards God when all you want to do is cry and scream “you big meanie.” Again, it’s childish and not right but that’s where I’m at right now. 😦
 
I’m so sorry to hear about the pain you’re going through 😦 I can’t imagine what it’s like to live with a chronic illness. If I was in this position I’d probably really struggle with it emotionally and spiritually too.

Regarding your question… from my (pretty limited) experience, when I’m really afraid of the suffering that comes with God’s Will, it’s helped me to try and trust in His goodness. Because of the suffering, this would often be going against our inclination. However, I think this trust in the face of suffering can even be heroic. I’ve found that trusting in God’s goodness helps me to accept the cross too, and that actually alleviates some of the mental/emotional pain. 🙂

I also read about how St Therese of Lisieux talked about being weak and little before God, and carrying our crosses “feebly” - with the will alone. For some reason this really helped me when I read it, because I realized Our Lord is not looking for feelings of trust or strength, I can acknowledge that I don’t have these feelings, but He just looks at the will alone.

Mental prayer can also really help… just talking to God openly, and spending time with Him. It can give strength as we grow in it. Same with meditating on the Passion.

It might also help to think that even though the Passion of Our Lord was three days, according to Catholic mystics, He actually suffered tremendously from the moment of His conception. One mystic said that His suffering was so intense that if God’s Will did not keep His life intact through a kind of a miracle, He would have died. Each moment was like a death to Him, yet He wouldn’t die. He suffered a lot at seeing mankind’s sins and in other ways that are mysterious to us. I hope this gives you some strength, knowing that Our Lord knows what it’s like to suffer continuously, because His life was a life of interior suffering, even before His public Passion. Even now in the Eucharist, even though Our Lord is perfectly happy in Heaven, many Catholic mystics talk about His suffering in the Eucharist (for example, loneliness) and suffering in the Church. It’s sort of a mystery to us how this can be, given that there’s no pain in Heaven. I guess one day we’ll find out.

In fact, when we’re in a state of grace, God lives within us and takes part in what we experience. This means that if we are suffering, He actually suffers with us, - He’s not above watching you, but together with you in suffering, and in you. It’s a mystery too but that’s maybe why Jesus said if we help our neighbor, we help Him.

God bless you!
 


**Dear “Convert in 99,”

I wish I was able to be of more help than I have been in your struggle with pain! ** After I read your post, though, I decided to do a search on it and what I found out was a total shock. One blogger has this to say:

chronic-pain-nightmare.blogspot.com/2009/02/my-life-unrelenting-pain-and-fear.html

Chronic Pain Nightmare

My blog is about the “silent epidemic” as it is called Chronic Pain. The truth about chronic pain is that it knows no age limits or racial barriers. There are 73 million people in this country suffering from this deadly and unrelenting disease. I hope to call attention to the under treatment and stigma of chronic pain and the people who suffer just like me. I welcome your feedback and comments.

JUST REMEMBER, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! . . .Jerry

The sentence that I underlined totally shocked me. I knew that there are many people out there who struggle with this, but I had no idea that it affected that many people, just in our own country. 73 million people! It’s totally mind-boggling! I guess I am bringing it to all of our attention. It seems to me that with that many people struggling with this day after day, that we as the ones who don’t suffer this level of pain, need to try to help carry this pain. How? I’m not sure, but I do know that I am going to be in prayer about it. I believe that if we have a willingness to try to help in this way that the LORD will meet us where we are. Those with pain are already doing all they know to do, but the rest of us, . . .Surely we could be of some benefit if we truly are supposed to be “Our Brothers Keeper!” 🤷

In the meantime, Convert in 99,Here is a website that you need to check out. “About - Rest Ministries - Chronic Illness and Pain Support .” Lisa also suffers from this level of pain and she and others with this pain, contribute to the blog and its very encouraging. They are not quoting platitudes, they are in the trenches fighting their own battles with chronic pain!.

**Another person that I may have mentioned before, believe it or not, has several chronic illnesses. Her name if Kathleen S. Lewis and here are two pages for her;

joyawe.wordpress.com/2013/12/07/458/**

amazon.com/Kathleen-S.-Lewis/e/B001KCHG4K

I have the one book, “Prayer without ceasing,” and as far as I am concerned, it is worth its weight in gold!

And Last but not least, I will be praying and searching for some way to be of help to you! So, please do NOT give up!

DesertSister62
 
Although i’v never suffered to the severe degree as yourself ,
I have suffered in my own way , and Questioned as to why ? Thankfully my life has changed and improved to a degree which I still must Question Why ?
What have I done to reap such an undeserving reward ?
My Faith has never changed , all I do is every few days I pray giving thank for what I have
Even when I had nothing , I Will Pray for you
 
Another thing that could help maybe is just taking it one moment at a time, one day at a time. Our Lord said each day has enough struggles. He is just asking us to be faithful at this present moment, and to trust Him for His grace
 
Convert_in_99 said:
As many here know I’ve been battling a very aggressive chronic illness that, while thankfully not life-threatening, keeps me mostly homebound and often bed-ridden with intense physical pain and relentless fatigue. It is also having a huge toll on my mental health. After two years of this I just am so frustrated with God not healing me. I don’t want one single day more of this. It’s just more than I can bear. I’m done, done, DONE!

But, the cross remains. It haunts me and is forcing itself upon me, day after day, pain-filled hour after hour. I can’t do my wifely duties, keep house, care for the dogs, go anywhere or do anything without reprocussions (i.e. Severe Pain and symptoms.)

What do I do? I’ve tried surrendering. I’ve tried accepting this as my cross but I’m so tired of suffering through this nightmare. I know others do and with worse illnesses than I have. I even get the terrible thoughts that, yeah Jesus suffered unimaginably more than me but at least he got to die after three days. I know that’s not good thinking but I’m just totally exhausted from suffering day in and day out, year in and year out with no end in sight. How do others cope? How do you still be loving and thankful towards God when all you want to do is cry and scream “you big meanie.” Again, it’s childish and not right but that’s where I’m at right now. 😦
Click to expand...
Hi! This guy may not be your cup of tea, but then again he may. He makes distinctions about God’s will that I’m sure will encourage you. youtube.com/watch?v=0NOTU1g0Z8w

I hope I’m not out of line here, but I just saw the little image that has the number of years you’ve been married, and the other one about Noel. I’m truly sorry.:console:
 
Praying that somehow the pain will lessen enough for you to bear…

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.
 
Posted by DesertSister62
I knew that there are many people out there who struggle with this, but I had no idea that it affected that many people, just in our own country. 73 million people! It’s totally mind-boggling! I guess I am bringing it to all of our attention. It seems to me that with that many people struggling with this day after day, that we as the ones who don’t suffer this level of pain, need to try to help carry this pain. How? I’m not sure, but I do know that I am going to be in prayer about it. I believe that if we have a willingness to try to help in this way that the LORD will meet us where we are. Those with pain are already doing all they know to do, but the rest of us, . . .Surely we could be of some benefit if we truly are supposed to be “Our Brothers Keeper!”
Click to expand...
http://www.lovecrucified.com/a_images/icons and bullets/a_lc_cross_transp.gif

**
Dear Convert in 99,

Well, I did check out this situation as I explained that I would do. I found a Catholic group in Florida that exists for this very purpose. The name of the group is “lovecrucified” and it has been formed to help people become “Victims of Lovecrucified,” so that we would be able to walk along side the people that God places in our lives, and to ask God to help us help others to carry their pain. You can find them at this link;

The Lovecrucified Community
lovecrucified.com/

So, evidently it IS possible to help another carry their pain, just like Simon of Cyrene helped Jesus carry the Cross on the Way to Calvary. I have to admit that it is a little scary but no more so than what Convert in 99 experiences every single day of her life.

Perhaps others of you will feel called to this Charism. . .?

Here is their “Spiritual Battle Rosary.”

lovecrucified.com/prayers/rosary.html

DesertSister62
**
 
Making peace with where you are at is the victory. Accepting where you are at. Bad as it is, it is where you are at.

Living here in pain and exhaustion, doing the minimum, and loving the small things i can still do. Especially when for others.

Fighting against it is draining, Rest in it;
 
I’m just marking the spot to return later.

For some reason, I run into burning buildings.

My day job is filling out forms. My “hobby” is running into burning buildings.

Seriously.

It’s a little scary.

Not a fireman. Not a cop. Just a clerk.

Half a notch above a pizza delivery guy.
 
Monte_RCMS said:
I’m just marking the spot to return later.

For some reason, I run into burning buildings.

My day job is filling out forms. My “hobby” is running into burning buildings.

Seriously.

It’s a little scary.

Not a fireman. Not a cop. Just a clerk.

Half a notch above a pizza delivery guy.
Click to expand...
??? I am intrigued!
 
Rosebud77 said:
??? I am intrigued!
Click to expand...
It IS very strange.

But that’s the way it has “just worked out”.

Been fired because of it.

Been denounced.

One time, even got a written reprimand.

Another time, I had stopped to gas up the car and a police car came over and they asked if I could swing by the police station for coffee … so I did … and they complained to me about THEIR problems.

Another time, a uniformed police woman gave me a big hug and said “THANK God you’re alive!!” … she had a full set of body armor under her uniform.

I dunno.

One of the kids said my major fault is that I’m not afraid to die.

I dunno.

It’s been going on like this since I was 17.

[To a less dramatic extent, since I was 9.]**
 
One time, I had a summer job washing dishes … and there was this HUGE ROAR.

Sounded like a rocket engine. A whole bunch of rocket engines.

Turned out one of the chefs had his frying pan catch fire and a flame touched a sensor in the smoke hood and set off a massive fire extinguisher.

Naturally, while everyone else was running out, I walked in to the fire area and observed what was going on. It looked like a bunch of rocket engines going off.

It was only carbon dioxide, [dry ice] … so after consulting with me, the head chef decided to just continue preparing the meals.

The only actual damage, was the knob on the oven had melted and had to be replaced.

The food was fine.

Minor interruption.
 
Well if that is how you feel then follow it. Many people in the Bible became angry at God. Just because you are a believer does not mean you will always be grateful or loving. I hate that expectation. Besides God already knows what you are thinking. I would totally be frustrated if I were in your shoes. Do not stop praying. Be authentic.
 
Jesus did not want to suffer physical pain either. Remember in the garden. He sweat blood and asked if this cup should pass from him. He accepted his suffering. Do not always compare yourself to Jesus after all he is God. Pray for peace. The serenity prayer is wonderful.
 
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