What to do when you hate someone?

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parasiempre

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When I strongly dislike someone/find them hurtful/couldn’t be bothered with them whatever, the answer is simple-I stay out of their way as much as possible and don’t allow them to bother me. I don’t take any notice of whatever efforts they make to hurt me. Also I pray for them. Sure, THAT is easy, but to clarify, that is not what I’m asking…

Because there is one person who is an exception. This person can get to me in the most hurtful way possible some how. I can always make sure I don’t let other people bother me too much, but this person it doesn’t work. I find myself feeling very angry about her quite a lot of the time, I find myself boiling with rage when she doesn’t pay me the respect I deserve, doesn’t bother considering me…honestly, it sends me into fits of crying and fury, and stops me thinking about other things.

I wonder like, who does she think she is. She treats me like an inferior being. (Again, when other people do that I can block them from bothering me. But for some reason she gets to me a hundred times more than anyone else. No, not because there’s any soap-opera drama behind it. Just because.) Now, please don’t say avoid her and pray about it, which would be the typical response. Because even when I don’t see her, I still run over what happened between us in my head, and it’s like part of me WANTS to see her, just so I can demand respect. It’s hard to describe-it’s like I want to make her treat me like the person I am and actually concern herself with my welfare, to make me feel at peace-you know that feeling like, ‘I won’t rest until I’ve gotton what I deserve.’

As for praying-I’ve been praying about it every day for well over a year. And thinkin about it every week at mass and in the sacrements. Actually there is a certain place I go sometimes to worship (every few months or so) and every time I travel to that place I make a special request…the last few times I went I asked of God and of Mary, Can I please be friends with this person. Well each time within a short time they gave me more contact with her and another chance, but each time it went just as badly and left me feeling just as angry and disgusted with her.

I know a christian is not supposed to ‘hate’ but thats how I feel. And yes I know that hatred hurts you much much more than it hurts the person you hate, I am living proof of that. But don’t be too hard on me please…I need some advice on how to deal with this.

I am going to that ‘worshipping place’ again soon and I also want to ask-do you think I should make the same old request again or ask for something else instead? I honestly feel that it would be a complete and total waste of time aand that I’m only making it worse by going on about it. On the other hand, I don’t see how all the praying I’ve done about this already can have gone to waste and I should maybe persevere. What do you think? I’m at my wits end, frustrated, sick and tired of this whole thing and this nasty, condescending person who doesn’t treat me like the person I have every right to be treated as and I hope you can help me.
 
parasiempre said:
When I strongly dislike someone/find them hurtful/couldn’t be bothered with them whatever, the answer is simple-I stay out of their way as much as possible and don’t allow them to bother me. I don’t take any notice of whatever efforts they make to hurt me. Also I pray for them. Sure, THAT is easy, but to clarify, that is not what I’m asking…

Because there is one person who is an exception. This person can get to me in the most hurtful way possible some how. I can always make sure I don’t let other people bother me too much, but this person it doesn’t work. I find myself feeling very angry about her quite a lot of the time, I find myself boiling with rage when she doesn’t pay me the respect I deserve, doesn’t bother considering me…honestly, it sends me into fits of crying and fury, and stops me thinking about other things.

I wonder like, who does she think she is. She treats me like an inferior being. (Again, when other people do that I can block them from bothering me. But for some reason she gets to me a hundred times more than anyone else. No, not because there’s any soap-opera drama behind it. Just because.) Now, please don’t say avoid her and pray about it, which would be the typical response. Because even when I don’t see her, I still run over what happened between us in my head, and it’s like part of me WANTS to see her, just so I can demand respect. It’s hard to describe-it’s like I want to make her treat me like the person I am and actually concern herself with my welfare, to make me feel at peace-you know that feeling like, ‘I won’t rest until I’ve gotton what I deserve.’

As for praying-I’ve been praying about it every day for well over a year. And thinkin about it every week at mass and in the sacrements. Actually there is a certain place I go sometimes to worship (every few months or so) and every time I travel to that place I make a special request…the last few times I went I asked of God and of Mary, Can I please be friends with this person. Well each time within a short time they gave me more contact with her and another chance, but each time it went just as badly and left me feeling just as angry and disgusted with her.

I know a christian is not supposed to ‘hate’ but thats how I feel. And yes I know that hatred hurts you much much more than it hurts the person you hate, I am living proof of that. But don’t be too hard on me please…I need some advice on how to deal with this.

I am going to that ‘worshipping place’ again soon and I also want to ask-do you think I should make the same old request again or ask for something else instead? I honestly feel that it would be a complete and total waste of time aand that I’m only making it worse by going on about it. On the other hand, I don’t see how all the praying I’ve done about this already can have gone to waste and I should maybe persevere. What do you think? I’m at my wits end, frustrated, sick and tired of this whole thing and this nasty, condescending person who doesn’t treat me like the person** I have every right** to be treated as and I hope you can help me.
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Your pride is in the way.
 
I can think of very few things that get in the way of happiness more than a sense of entitlement. If we strip everything away, leaving only the raw truth, every single human who has ever committed a sin deserves nothing but to be despised and rejected and burdened by trouble every day. It is by the mercy of God that we receive any love or respect at all, either from Him or from other people.

So, without knowing you, except that you are human, I can say with some assurance that this person is a gift to you, reminding you of your real place in creation, smoothing the rough edges of your character, and giving you an opportunity to live the virtue of humility. Try giving thanks to God for this, even though your first inclination may be to rebel against the idea entirely. I know from personal experience that this approach is quite helpful.

Of course, the other very important thing is to take this to Confession, even if you have to confess it over and over. Each time, you will receive efficacious graces to help you overcome this problem.

Betsy
 
This all may be part of a vicious cycle in which she is sensing that you don’t particularly enjoy her company because of her unpleasant demeanor and so it continues. My opinion is that you ought to “kill her with kindness,” as the saying goes. It doesn’t mean that you are being a phony. It is a conscious decision that will lead to an inner change of heart for you and hopefully for her as well.
 
For the moment you have made her your cross. You can set that cross down whenever you decide with or without prayer. But for the moment you have an attachment to the negative feelings, which for a reason you only know, gratifies you.
Find the Litany of Humility and pray that every day before leaving the house to help you decide when to put down your cross.
 
You have gotten some great advice, but I would add, ask yourself why *you *are holding onto this situation?

And I would pray for *her, *not that the two of you become friends.
 
Your absolute insistence that this person give you respect that you feel you deserve stems from the sin of pride. You say praying is the easy way, obviously for you it is not. You asked this question on a Catholic Forum and so I, as a Catholic, must give you a Catholic answer. You must offer this suffering to Our Lord, pray for the soul of this person, pray that God may give you the strength to move beyond letting this eat you alive because that is what you are doing and you must pray that God will give you charity in the moments you have to deal with her. I would also add that you should discuss this with your confessor.

I used to work around the corner from a Catholic bookshop run by a group of nuns. For some reason these sisters were so completely rude and uncharitable. Not just to me, but to others as well. I couldn’t fathom it because they are known for good work and are one of the better orders. I finally tried addressing the problem with the superior who was also very rude, dismissed my comments and stormed off to the back of the store. Just nasty as could be and for no reason. They made my blood boil because it was a baseless uncharitable attitude that they had. It was so convenient to run in, but I finally made myself stop and I just had to keep saying, “All for Jesus, all through Mary, all in imitation of St Joseph.” I prayed that God would give me the humility to accept it, prayed for them and just moved on and that, my friend, is what you need to do here.
 
You seem to be obsessed with this person. That is not healthy and can’t lead to true friendhip. I knew a girl at college who would get obsessed with people and demand to be their friend, regardless whether those people even liked her or not. Guess what: it never worked. People started avoiding her like the plague.

If I were you I’d pray to be freed from this desire. we can’t be friends with everybody and sometimes it is best to let things go and move on.
 
Abnormal and irrational feelings may be the result of demonic oppression. Since the direct approach, praying for them, praying for you, avoiding them, etc. is not working at this point, try something else.

First, examine your life. The problem you are looking for usually takes about a second. It is the first thing that pops into your head. It is a persistent sin, vice, or lack of virtue. You will likely tell yourself, “No. That can’t be it. Many people do *that *and they don’t have problems.” Don’t kid yourself. First, you don’t know the problems of others. Second, God’s plan is different for all of us. He may want you to be a little better than them.

Then, you need to change this area of your life. You know what to do. Concentrate your prayer efforts in this area. It is only through God’s grace that we can overcome sin. Get as much grace from the sacraments as you can. Also pray for added protection from evil. There is a lot of information already available on how to do that.

You are correct to be concerned about this. Hatred grows. If left unchecked, if it hasn’t already, it will spread to other areas of your life.
 
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