What to do when you have a low libido and still need to please your husband

[fpt]

If a wife does not try to be an active lover in favor of for her husband (to work on him), and also to be a passive lover (to receive from him), the difficulties can arrive, and vice versa.

 

[fpt]

See the debates about the modus operandi of the marital act. Some catholics have very angelic views totally, unrealistic, not human.

 

[fpt]

Yeah, and the way a ban works is then you fixate on that thing “you cannot have” My wife does not “ban” anything, but everything is put to the Holiness test. If it cannot be seen as co creating with God, better stay away!

Could you rephrase, I am not sure to understand? The English language is not my mother tongue. What do you mean?

 

[Allegra]

I don’t want to really shoot you down over such a throw away comment that certainly does not mean what it says but sometimes it is important to remember that trivializing something and taking the “who doesn’t view” can really hide a problem. Not everybody has issues like yours, not everyone lives a sex life that is unhealthy. In fact, I would encourage you to find those who do not have a lot of “issues” and surround yourselves with them, your husband too. Having close friends who live amazing marriages and faith lives has really helped our growing as a married couple.

That’s true. There are a lot of people who don’t have issues, or who are really good at working through such issues. It’s a good idea to have such people in your life.

 

[fpt]

Corrections:

If a wife does not try to be an active lover in favor of her husband (to work on him), and also to be a passive lover (to receive from him), the difficulties can arrive, and vice versa.

For example, is she on the same page than Ronald Conte jr about the acception of the definition of sin of masturbation? If yes, it is problematic!!!

 

[fpt]

If the husband has to manage a great list of unacceptable acts for her and that this “particular” list is, objectively speaking, too much unrealistic and even against some physical rights of the husband on the body of his wife, I can understand and can imagine the phenomenon of destruction of his sex drive. May be, she was not capable to enter into the marriage!!!

 

[fpt]

Read this thread, that is an archetype. Good luck!!!

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=864991

 

[gracepoole]

If a wife does not try to be an active lover in favor of for her husband (to work on him), and also to be a passive lover (to receive from him), the difficulties can arrive, and vice versa.

If anything, I think sex is best when the male focuses on the female’s needs. Physiologically, it’s normally harder for a woman to achieve sexual satisfaction – most can’t achieve orgasm in less than a minute but many men can. It’s highly unlikely that the marital act won’t result in the man achieving orgasm but the same can’t be said for the woman. Yes, the OP’s husband should be interested in what excites and repulses her. It’s bizarre to me that he isn’t. It doesn’t sound to me like the OP is being cold and unresponsive to her husband’s needs: it sounds like her husband has the strange notion that she’s there to serve him sexually without true reciprocity.

 

[fpt]

If anything, I think sex is best when the male focuses on the female’s needs. Physiologically, it’s normally harder for a woman to achieve sexual satisfaction – most can’t achieve orgasm in less than a minute but many men can. It’s highly unlikely that the marital act won’t result in the man achieving orgasm but the same can’t be said for the woman. Yes, the OP’s husband should be interested in what excites and repulses her. It’s bizarre to me that he isn’t. It doesn’t sound to me like the OP is being cold and unresponsive to her husband’s needs: it sounds like her husband has the strange notion that she’s there to serve him sexually without true reciprocity.

*I agree with you. *Does she agree with the fact of being touched on all her body by him, in the human fashion, on her own erogenous parts (the primary parts and the secondary parts)? That is the question!!! Does she agree with the fact of doing that on him? Some spouse can be against some sexual normal touchings for particular reasons, what can be very problematic.

 

[Xantippe]

Apologies for being direct, but how much about your past “experience” did you share with your husband? Are any of the things you are balking at acts you have enthusiastically performed for other men? If yes, and he knows this, he will quite rightly be offended that you were able to do this with men who had promised you nothing, and not with him.

Isn’t that part of the problem?

There may be certain acts that she associates with other men, so that performing them involuntarily reminds her of those other men.

On the other hand, once she’s spent enough time with her husband, it should eventually be possible to “overwrite” those memories with new ones.

 

[Xantippe]

Apologies for being direct, but how much about your past “experience” did you share with your husband? Are any of the things you are balking at acts you have enthusiastically performed for other men? If yes, and he knows this, he will quite rightly be offended that you were able to do this with men who had promised you nothing, and not with him.

Also, there’s a risk of this coming off as thinking, “Hey, you allowed other men to do things that you felt were degrading and uncomfortable. I’m your husband–why don’t I get to degrade you and make you uncomfortable, too?”

Not a good strategy.

 

[Tezza]

Apologies for being direct, but how much about your past “experience” did you share with your husband? Are any of the things you are balking at acts you have enthusiastically performed for other men? If yes, and he knows this, he will quite rightly be offended that you were able to do this with men who had promised you nothing, and not with him.

As long as you are not being asked to commit acts that cross the line into debauchery, or violate the requirement to be open to life, I think you should try to please your husband.

I’ve shared nothing except we both are aware we aren’t virgins. He has children from other marriages, I have never been married.

I perform things for him I’d prefer not to, but do it anyway because I know he enjoys them. What I’m asking overall is when I’ve specifically said, “please don’t do that. I don’t like it” and he proceeds to do it, then what?

Also, the low libido thing makes sex a chore and does not feel unitive most of the time. How do other women cope when they just go through the motions?

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

Isn’t that part of the problem?

There may be certain acts that she associates with other men, so that performing them involuntarily reminds her of those other men.

On the other hand, once she’s spent enough time with her husband, it should eventually be possible to “overwrite” those memories with new ones.

So he gets to suffer because of her past promiscuous behavior? The OP advised in her 1st post that she told him in advance of the marriage that there were certain things she would absolutely not do, and he hasn’t asked. Now she is changing the game on what is “degrading and uncomfortable” as you described it. I feel sorry for him. My advice to the OP stands.

 

[Xantippe]

I perform things for him I’d prefer not to, but do it anyway because I know he enjoys them. What I’m asking overall is when I’ve specifically said, “please don’t do that. I don’t like it” and he proceeds to do it, then what?

**That is not OK.

That’s where you stop.

And maybe have him read something like this:

yesmeansyes.com/consent-0**

or this

persephonemagazine.com/2012/05/why-do-people-hate-the-concept-of-enthusiastic-consent/

Also, the low libido thing makes sex a chore and does not feel unitive most of the time. How do other women cope when they just go through the motions?

See your doctor to see if there is any sort of hormonal problem, but also work on your husband to make sure he is doing stuff that you enjoy. If you are enjoying yourself, it will feel more unitive.

Good luck!

 

[Tezza]

See your doctor to see if there is any sort of hormonal problem, but also work on your husband to make sure he is doing stuff that you enjoy. If you are enjoying yourself, it will feel more unitive.

Good luck!

I am in counseling. I am being seen by a doctor. I am on medication that affects libido. It is a marked difference from what I’ve experienced when not on meds. I try to tell my husband that but he doesn’t seem to believe me.

Thanks for the info. I’ll check it out.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’ve shared nothing except we both are aware we aren’t virgins. He has children from other marriages, I have never been married.

I perform things for him I’d prefer not to, but do it anyway because I know he enjoys them. What I’m asking overall is when I’ve specifically said, “please don’t do that. I don’t like it” and he proceeds to do it, then what?

Also, the low libido thing makes sex a chore and does not feel unitive most of the time. How do other women cope when they just go through the motions?

You know, children and other marriage (s) ? aside, the point is that you both have developed a sexual appetite apart from one another, this should have been dealt with before marriage, but certainly should be dealt with now. It is certainly not optimal, but it can be solved.

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

I’ve shared nothing except we both are aware we aren’t virgins. He has children from other marriages, I have never been married.

I perform things for him I’d prefer not to, but do it anyway because I know he enjoys them. What I’m asking overall is when I’ve specifically said, “please don’t do that. I don’t like it” and he proceeds to do it, then what?

Also, the low libido thing makes sex a chore and does not feel unitive most of the time. How do other women cope when they just go through the motions?

I don’t mean to come off flip or insensitive in my posts. But if you are a newlywed, and are already looking for excuses to not have sex with your husband, that is not a formula for a long happy marriage. Surely you knew you had a low libido before saying “I do”? Even if you are abstaining from sex, you are still going to feel desire from time to time. If you knew, did you tell him not to expect much sex?

The time to talk about the things he’s doing you don’t like is not when you are in the bedroom. Have a sit down sometime when you are both calm and try to work it out. Best of luck.

 

[Tezza]

So he gets to suffer because of her past promiscuous behavior? The OP advised in her 1st post that she told him in advance of the marriage that there were certain things she would absolutely not do, and he hasn’t asked. Now she is changing the game on what is “degrading and uncomfortable” as you described it. I feel sorry for him. My advice to the OP stands.

My husband would be pleased to have an advocate

I haven’t changed the game. I didn’t know I should say, “oh, and please don’t do that when we’re married” because I’ve never had anyone do those type of things to me. I didn’t know I needed to say it. I was kind of in shock and allowed it a couple of times before getting up the courage to gently say, “you know, I don’t really like that” because it was an awkard conversation and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Now, when I try to tell him again and again, he just talks about having all the rules for him, like trying kissing and caressing before grabbing erogenous zones (when women aren’t aroused, it can be very uncomfortable). Sorry if that is such a demanding rule.

 

[Tezza]

I don’t mean to come off flip or insensitive in my posts. But if you are a newlywed, and are already looking for excuses to not have sex with your husband, that is not a formula for a long happy marriage. Surely you knew you had a low libido before saying “I do”? Even if you are abstaining from sex, you are still going to feel desire from time to time. If you knew, did you tell him not to expect much sex?

The time to talk about the things he’s doing you don’t like is not when you are in the bedroom. Have a sit down sometime when you are both calm and try to work it out. Best of luck.

I didn’t have a low libido before. I take meds now that have greatly impacted my libido. I’ve mentioned this in the previous posts. I also said I rejected religious life because I didn’t want to be a celibate. I enjoyed sex before marriage (I know, mortal sin. No need to dissect this one)

 

[Xantippe]

So he gets to suffer because of her past promiscuous behavior?

I don’t know what the OP’s particular situation is, but yes, as a matter of fact, if a woman has a “past” (of whatever kind) that makes certain morally acceptable sexual practices abhorrent to her, yes, her husband does get to “suffer” that. That’s the woman he loves and that he has married. If he wanted a different woman, he could have married a different woman. (But if all goes well, with patience and love, it’s quite possible that her repertoire will expand.)

There’s a lot of entitlement coming through in your posts on this subject. A wife is not some sort of Chinese buffet of sexual treats for her husband to enjoy. Sex is a personal act and it’s supposed to be an act of love, not an act of consumption.

(I should mention that aside from a consensual sexual past, it’s also possible to have issues created by rape or past sexual abuse.)