What to do when you see parents enabling a sibling?

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sparkle

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What can I do when I see my parents totally and completely enabling one of my siblings? being manipulated by their schemes? Soaking them hi and dry financially for ALOT of money?

I have witnessed this unfortunate occurrance for years now, where one of my siblings has completely manipulated my parents and taken thousands and thousands of dollars from them. My parents are in bad health and in their late 80’s presently, and I’m afraid this sibling is taking advantage of their ill health --and going in for the kill.

I’ve told my parents they are making a mistake by constantly supporting them financially, never allowing them to fall, make mistakes on their own and grow up. They won’t listen to me, and I fear for my parents at this point. They are almost having a nervous breakdown over the last incident–. They know how I feel and therefore will hardly speak to me because of it. This has created real distance between me and my parents. I want to do the loving thing, I’m praying for them, but it’s very hard to merely stand by and watch people you love , your parents, being taken advantage of, and have a relative who is doing it.

Does anyone have any insight? Has anyone been in this predicament? I know many times one sibling seems like the favored one in the family for whatever reason, but to see abuse is different. This might be similar to a distant relative who comes in for the kill when the parents die claiming his part of the fortune–doing awful things to get it–when they have not done one kind or responsible thing in the parents’ lifetime. What should a Catholic do or say?
 
Wow, kind of refreshing to see a “different” kind of problem on this board. On the other hand it’s humbling since I really can’t offer any expertise.

It seems wrong to let a sibling actually ruin the relationship between you and your parents. So maybe holding your tongue would be appropriate since you’ve already made the error known.

It also seems that you would need to take care not to get sucked in to this. I can imagine you could end up giving your parents emotional support, so that they can continue giving your sibling financial support.

On this latter issue I often wonder where our Christian obligations take us. How much “listening” do you have to do, when you know that everything they are telling you could be reversed. I’ve been put in the position of being an emotional waste sink for some people. I end up feeling used as they just want to vent their frustrations but have no intentions of changing their ways.
 
Its really hard to see parents enabling a sibiling even when you are my age. In my case my brothers take what little we have for themselves. In your situation the best thing you can do is to get power of atourney. You will have legal rights to determine weither or not the sibilings get the money. This will be taking the matter into your own hands, however, and may cause trouble with your sibiling.

My grandparents often give more then they should to my aunts and uncles who will never pay them back. Its really hard to see. There is really nothing you can do unless you really want to get involved deeply. If you need a lawyer to get involved call your county office and ask for the office of the aging, there they will connect you with a department that deals with these situations and can network you to get help. I was on the recreation board my county and I know that the office of the aging is one of the most underused departments. I guess at one point enough must be enough. May God guide you in this difficult time.
 
A good friend and I have similar situations in our families though not to the degree that you describe. In our situations, it is more an equity or fairness issue. We are both women in our late 40’s and our parents are comfortable enough that the financial issues are not significant. So it is mostly an emotional issue–the favored sibling, the sibling who manipulates the parents for financial gain, and the adult sibling who isn’t mature and independent.

After many years of these situations in our families, both my friend and I have come to similar ways of dealing with it. The fact is that parents in the 70s and 80s are still very much in charge of their own money. They may not want to believe that a child is milking them so they usually convince themselves that that adult child is in need and that life treated that adult child unfairly (for whatever reason).

It was helpful for me to realize that there are really bad situations out there in which a wealthy elderly person is manipulated by a sweet young new spouse or by a lawyer and cuts his or her children out of the will. And there is nothing for the adult children to do. My friend and I both are married with children of our own and tell ourselves that we don’t need our parents’ money. It helps give us emotional distance to view the situation in that way.

So I would advise you to put emotional distance from your feelings as a sibling and as an outraged adult child. Focus on what you can do to show your parents that you love them and support them no matter what they do with this sibling. They know how you feel so try not to discuss the sibling with them. Try to indicate to them that you are concerned about the wayward sibling, rather than criticizing your sibling and showing disapproval. I am not saying you need to approve of the sibling’s behavior, just refrain from showing it. And try to find ways to be with your parents without the wayward sibling around so that the sibling doesn’t upset you and you can focus on your parents in their old age.
 
unless your parents have lost their wits there is nothing you can or should do. It is their money – their child – they can give it to them if they wish.

-D
 
Being in the early stages of a situation like this, I had to stop and remember that it IS their money. It is none of my business.

They have the right to do with it what they will. It bothers me to no end that they are being “used”, but I guess the people with the money are feeling charitable. I stay out of it.

If things escalated to the point where the people giving money found themselves without the means to support themselves, then I would feel obligated to step in (more or less depending on the familial relationship). Maybe by seeking power of attorney or just providing them with the means of support myself.

Either way, I cannot think of a situation (even with elderly parents) where I would feel obligated to interject so completely.

(Assuming of course that everyone still has all their mental faculties.)

I’m sorry to hear this is happening so blatantly in your family. It is a frustration not unlike the feelings of the older brother in the Prodigal Son. There is a lesson well learned there.

My prayers are with you and your family.
 
La Chiara:
So it is mostly an emotional issue–the favored sibling, the sibling who manipulates the parents for financial gain, and the adult sibling who isn’t mature and independent.After many years of these situations in our families, both my friend and I have come to similar ways of dealing with it. The fact is that parents in the 70s and 80s are still very much in charge of their own money. They may not want to believe that a child is milking them so they usually convince themselves that that adult child is in need and that life treated that adult child unfairly (for whatever reason).
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Thank you Sister for your insight into this situation. For what you said I believe is most true. My parents believe I know that “life treated them unfairly” and that they must have failed in some way as parents–thus an excuse to further enable my sibling. It’s so sad really. I feel they (my parents) could benefit from some counseling on the issue, as I told them today on the phone, but they were quickly butting heads with me, saying “they know what they’re doing”…they cut me off immediately upon suggesting it might be a good idea for them to obtain some professional/pastoral counseling. Isn’t it the truth that most of us humans surely bring on our own troubles? I think so. Sometimes we don’t know any better, and regardless what anybody says, we just still choose to do what we want anyway. Very sad indeed.

WoW–I know it is the case that older folks may choose how they may to disperse their money–even if some people take advantage of them–or even if they hoard it and refrain from helping anyone in need–still it is their choice ultimately, and nothing anyone says helps–as we have a free will, and can choose to live our life the way we want. I feel it’s a pity when you see a family member being so manipulated, etc…and how they can’t see it.

Thank you friends for listening to my situation here, I appreciate your Christian insight so much.
 
I’m in a similar situation too. But my parents know they are being taken advantage of. My sib lives with them since the divorce. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help around the house, steals money. She is also a hoarder. She trash picks and fills the house with junk.

But they don’t do anything because of their grandchild. They will never put him at risk. So they put up with the abuse. Also my mom has told me that “if you can’t count on family to help you when you’re in trouble, who can you?”

Here’s a twist. Maybe they’re really saints not victims. If Mother Teresa were in America instead of India, she’d have been labeled an enabler.

The thing I worry about is when they die. How do I get her out of the house? I have POA with my one brother so I’ve told him about this concern. What we will probably do is use the insurance money to set her up in an apt somewhere with new furniture and possessions. Then we can throw out all her junk, clean up the house and sell it.
 
Mary's Lamb:
I’m in a similar situation too. But my parents know they are being taken advantage of. My sib lives with them since the divorce. Doesn’t work, doesn’t help around the house, steals money. She is also a hoarder. She trash picks and fills the house with junk.

But they don’t do anything because of their grandchild. They will never put him at risk. So they put up with the abuse. Also my mom has told me that “if you can’t count on family to help you when you’re in trouble, who can you?”

Here’s a twist. Maybe they’re really saints not victims. If Mother Teresa were in America instead of India, she’d have been labeled an enabler.

The thing I worry about is when they die. How do I get her out of the house? I have POA with my one brother so I’ve told him about this concern. What we will probably do is use the insurance money to set her up in an apt somewhere with new furniture and possessions. Then we can throw out all her junk, clean up the house and sell it.
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Hi Mary’s Lamb:

You have a similar situation—I feel the parents have chosen to be victims for whatever reason. If you brought this problem to a professional counselor I feel they would say such as well. I really don’t think it’s “saintly” in any means to be a victim. It’s stupidity. They don’t choose to see what they are doing, and I feel alot of their choices are based on THEIR guilty feelings–i.e., “where did I go wrong in raising them”…?

Your sibling too is merely abusing your parents to get what she wants. It’s so sad, but as many have pointed out, it’s still inevitably THEIR choice to make, not ours.

Yes, I sometimes think my sibling is just waiting for parents to pass away so they can “move in”…why they put my parents into so much turmoil…especially they know my dad had recent heart surgery. This really grieves me–but they refuse to see what they are doing here–and just how they are acting not in their or the sibling’s best interests at all.

I suggested my parents see a counselor or a pastor just today on the phone–and they said they wouldn’t hear of it and that they know what they are doing–clearly they do not–or do not choose to face their problems. Some things will never change, and some weird and sick attachments will never be any different. God help them. I hope we as parents can get outside ourselves, see what mistakes our parents made, and are making still, and raise OUR children to be responsible, responsible for their choices. This is one of my goals as a parent, not to raise total incompetent wimps for kids. This has been very hard for me, as I really see my in-laws too having a very hard time with this, and having babyied my husband to the hilt, where even today he has a very hard time being competent on his own, making decisions, not being influenced by others, having courage, etc…

I think if my folks had lost some of their faculties it might shed some different light —and then I would have to step in more. But now, there really is nothing I can do except to sit back and witness them being abused, manipulated and being taken advantage of by my scheming, money-hungry sibling. Very pitiful.
 
Sparkle,

Do your parents “make it your business”?

In other words, when you speak to them on the phone do they often vent their frustrations with your sibling onto you?

I think it is perfectly fine for you to draw the line here. If they wish to dump their woes on you, you can “listen” but they need to realize that it’s a two way street, and they will then need to listen to you.

Otherwise, if they do not bring up their financial woes to you, then it truely is not your business.

It makes no sense that someone should be able to dump all their ill feelings on you, and expect that you should just nod your head and commiserate.
 
Sparkle–Do you know the Serenity Prayer? I find it helps calm me when I am at wits end about a family member. I keep a little prayer card with the prayer to reflect on and I give cards out to others in need.

Lord, grant me the Courage to change the things I can change, the Serentity to accept those I cannot change, and the Wisdom to know the difference. But God, grant me the Courage not to give up on what I think is right, even though I think it is hopeless.
Another reflection that becomes a mantra when I am particularly upset about a situation like yours is to remind myself “She is who she is”. (It helps remind me that each person is responsible for being and becoming who they want to be and only they are responsible for their behavior.)

Remember you can’t change anybody else. We can only change ourselves. So no matter how much you think your mother or sibling should change, you are powerless to make them change. And often the more we try to change someone, the more they resist changing! You can pray for them and you can change yourself. But only they can change themselves.

God bless. And as my late mother used to say “Offer it up to the Lord”. (I say that with compassion, though I used to hate it when my mother would say it!)
 
La Chiara/Black Jacque:

Thank you so much for your kind words and insight.

Bless You~~
 
OK, I am really perterbed here. Yet again this pitiful sibling has used manipulative tactics now to get, yet again, what he wants from our parents, $$$$$$$$$. And my parents have given it yet again to him. Now they tell the rest of us kids, they have to sell their vacation homes that we all were using with delight over the past 20 years, in order to give him $$$$$$$. They have continued to enable him, hinder his development, and turned this sibling into a disabled man. He, (one brother) has never learned how to make it on his own, or how to even have a job, any job, as he’s always, his entire life, come crawling to mommy and daddy.

Trouble is friends, I feel very hurt, mad, and feel I have lost a great deal of respect for my elderly parents because of all this. I feel I never want to phone them again, they are SO sick. And my father is a pastor! I remember once, recommending they get some counseling about this situation, they simply said “we know what we’re doing”. Obviously they don’t, any counselor would tell them this very thing. This sick sibling has robbed them of their vacations, taken literally thousands and thousands of dollars from them, robbed them blind, even wanting them to do a reverse mortgage on their home for him. They were close to doing it. How could they not see it? They have been so foolish!!!

I’m having a very hard time dealing with it all, and so are all my other siblings. We can’t even bear talking to parents right now.

Any advice?
 
sparkle–It is best that you are not talking to your parents when you are so mad. You need to get past your anger. Sometimes it takes a while to see it in perspective. Talk to your siblings. Talk to your priest. Be careful not to say anything in anger that you will regret. Besides, you can make the situation worse and cause your parents to see you as the “bad guy” if you come across as angry. Calm down and think it through. Remember that you aren’t in control. God is. And sometimes what happens is frustrating. Pray for acceptance and calm. Try to focus on helping your parents and caring for them, even if they make choices that you do not believe are best.
 
La Chiara:
sparkle–It is best that you are not talking to your parents when you are so mad. You need to get past your anger. Sometimes it takes a while to see it in perspective. Talk to your siblings. Talk to your priest. Be careful not to say anything in anger that you will regret. Besides, you can make the situation worse and cause your parents to see you as the “bad guy” if you come across as angry. Calm down and think it through. Remember that you aren’t in control. God is. And sometimes what happens is frustrating. Pray for acceptance and calm. Try to focus on helping your parents and caring for them, even if they make choices that you do not believe are best.
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Thank you La Chiara!!! You are right! Love what you said in the last sentence above.🙂
 
Been there and doing that. For a great while I said very little about the situation, but continued to live my life as responsibly as I could. In recent years, my mother has come to me for (name removed by moderator)ut on how to deal with the sibling and I have been able to dissuade her from economic disaster and to allow the sib to “lie in the bed of his choosing.”

It has taken years of patience to get to the point where I can help, but it is well worth it.
 
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pnewton:
Been there and doing that. For a great while I said very little about the situation, but continued to live my life as responsibly as I could. In recent years, my mother has come to me for (name removed by moderator)ut on how to deal with the sibling and I have been able to dissuade her from economic disaster and to allow the sib to “lie in the bed of his choosing.”

It has taken years of patience to get to the point where I can help, but it is well worth it.
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Hi Phillip: How wise you are friend! Yes, I hope God will give me the grace as well to deal with my parents accordingly, like you.

God Bless~~:)
 
Hello Friends: I haven’t been posting on this forum lately, but I really would like some insight again re: this particular topic from anyone who could offer some Godly insight. I would appreciate it very much. Had one of my parents’ B-days this past weekend, a family reunion of sorts, wherein many from my huge family were there. This one sibling, the one whom the thread is about was there. Once again, he had his schemes, and we other siblings found out the many things he has done to my parents in their 80’s, and all the ways he has kinnived money from them, all lies, all dishonest, and very fraudulent too, keeping our nice, Christian parents wrapped around his finger the whole time. Parents have always fallen for anything he has said. I have pondered the situation for some time now, as well as my other siblings have too, as to how we should handle this situation. We have warned our parents, told them what we thought, etc., They keep believing him, despite. They do have a sick need to put him, in particular, on a pedastal, because he is a very brillant musician, and for whatever reason. He has fraudulently gotten many thousands of dollars from my parents, telling them lies and schemes, promises of pay-backs, which in the past have never materialized. Now he has another scheme going, yes, very fraudulent too, but parents are falling for it AGAIN. My other siblings are really wondering what to do. This past weekend, we did not mention it, as we all decided it is their choice if they fall for his schemes or not. Parents are not senile in any way, just old (in their 80’s) and completely manipulated. As was said in a line from the movie “Flight Plan” which I recently saw, a therapist was talking to Jodie Foster on the plane saying: “When the truth is just too painful to realize or to face, many people subconsciously choose to just be in denial of the whole situation”… I thought of my parents/brother situation when I heard this line. I feel in my gut, it is just too painful for my parents to face the truth about my brother, that he is sick, and a pathological liar, that they choose to deny it, and really believe anything he says. Do you think this was the right thing for us to not say anything about it? Should we try to research the fraud in his schemes and point them out to our parents or not? Guess I’m looking for some advice again. It just is very hard to see our parents being taken advantage of in this way. This is a most hard situation. I want to do the best thing.
Thank you.
 
Sparkle:

There is a term used in addiction treatment called an intervention where the loved ones (family and friends) confront (the usually unsuspecting) alcoholic with the truth. The force of having many people say the same thing over and over to their face is sometimes successful in bringing the addict/alcoholic to face the shameful reality of their problem. Your parents are the ones in need of an intervention, your brother sounds so far gone, unreachable until his parents stop bailing him out. They enable him to be sick, as you have said.

But sometimes an intervention backfires. If you and your healthy siblings did an intervention and your parents decided that all of you were raving lunatics, refused to have any more to do with all of you, and kicked you out of their lives for good; could you, Sparkle, live with the consequences?

Also, if your brother is doing things that are clearly illegal, perhaps you should talk to an attorney or the DA. Stealing from ones own parents is a crime. If you and your siblings feel that strongly about the matter, perhaps consulting an attorney is a good idea.

Are you willing to risk your relationship with your parents for the truth?
 
I hate to say it, and this would be so hard to do, but if your parents are happy enabling your brother, let them. They are in their 80s, as you say, and who knows how long they will be with you. Just love them. Perhaps it just hurts them too much to admit your brother hasn’t made a life for himself, and they want to believe he’ll make good on it this time. Would you rather them die poor and delusional, or estranged from the loving family members with only a fake relationship with your brother?
Seeking legal action against your brother is not out of the question. He is clearly a sick individual. However, sometimes the best way to help the victim is to remove the perpetrator.

Suppose your best girlfriend confides that she was date raped. However, she is still attracted to this guy and somehow believes she can continue dating him. Next date, it happens again. And again, and again, and again. Seriously, this happens. It’s the same in cases of spousal abuse. All the while, you’re coaching her, reminding her to get out, seek help… but it won’t work; she just refuses to listen, wants to believe he is ‘good at heart.’ Is it better to drive a wedge between you and your friend, putting her out of your reach, or to ‘go behind her back’ and have this **** arrested for the criminal he is, even if he happens to be your friend, or gasp your brother???
 
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