What to do when you see parents enabling a sibling?

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vluvski:
I hate to say it, and this would be so hard to do, but if your parents are happy enabling your brother, let them. They are in their 80s, as you say, and who knows how long they will be with you. Just love them. Perhaps it just hurts them too much to admit your brother hasn’t made a life for himself, and they want to believe he’ll make good on it this time.
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Thank you. Yes, as you say above, I think this is exactly the situation. And it is not worth me having a strained relationship with them and the rest of my siblings too, because of HIM. We all feel we have done what we can. Period. And a very good point as you say too, in your post above, about the hypothetical friend was was raped, but keeps believing in the louse, that’s her choice, I have to be her friend anyway, not tell her she’s crazy and never see or speak to her again, that would be foolish. Thx CupOKindness too!!!

Guess I just needed one last assurance that we’re all doing the right thing by dropping out of it!!!
God Bless~
 
Your parents won’t go bankrupt over helping this sibling of yours, will they?. I just wouldn’t want to see them invest so much in him that they give everything and then have nothing left to survive on for the next however many years they have left. Do they have a financial planner or anyone who helps with their finances so as to warn them if they’re getting too generous for their own survival?
 
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Princess_Abby:
Your parents won’t go bankrupt over helping this sibling of yours, will they?. I just wouldn’t want to see them invest so much in him that they give everything and then have nothing left to survive on for the next however many years they have left. Do they have a financial planner or anyone who helps with their finances so as to warn them if they’re getting too generous for their own survival?
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I suppose, if they do, the other siblings can band together and support them until they go on to their reward in heaven. What a lousy situation to be in; I sure don’t envy the parents one bit.
 
Sparkle, I can tell you I feel your pain… I speak from the very experience you are in right now. My brother and I couldn’t attend the colleges we were accepted to because my parents didn’t have the money to help out because our older sister screwed up (again). I couldn’t ask for money while I was in college because they didn’t have it because my sister milked them out of it. Last October, she cried to them and they gave her $6000. This past May, as my husband and I are about to give birth to our third baby while in the middle of a military move across the country, my mother was pained to know that my sister was asking for ANOTHER $5000. Now that it’s October again, she needs another $3000. My husband and I, now that we live on the west coast (thanks to the Army), are trying to save the pennies we can (CA is a very expensive state!) so we can take a hop flight over to visit my folks in Japan. My mother called me to tell me that we shouldn’t bother to come over because they won’t have money to do anything at all if my father decides to give my sister the money. My father HATES what my sister does, but she’s got two children that he doesn’t want to see suffer (except both of these children believe it’s ok to walk around with their hand out and if they don’t get what they scream for, they throw tantrums… and one of them is 12!).

Anyway… I have been through my fair share of falling on my face financially because 1)I’m to afraid to ask my folks for help because of the **** my sister puts them through 2) I’m too stubborn to ask for help because I know the majority of my debt is ignorant consumer debt… the kind where you get debt to help relieve debt only to create more? So I feel I should figure out how to get out of it myself. 3) My father is in the Army… been there for 30 years… he EARNED his money the very hard way, many years of sacrifice on his and my mothers’ part… they should enjoy it and if they feel called to leave me some in retirement or upon death, then I’ll graciously accept it… but I won’t ask for it before then.

Ok… I’ll get off my soapbox. Just wanted to let you know I feel your pain and I’ll say some prayers for you. As far as my sibling… I tend to get my hand in the pot and tell her to stop wasting money and being stupid. If she hangs up on me… at least she knows my opinion and I won’t listen to her cry that she’s broke and about to have her car repoed and she and the girls’ are about to get kicked out of their apartment. She is very aware that she’s out of luck upon my parents death because my brother and I won’t help her. I don’t have sympathy for people that buy take out food 5 times a week then wonder why they don’t have money for rent… and she gets food stamps!!!
theresa
 
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tamccrackine:
Sparkle, I can tell you I feel your pain… I speak from the very experience you are in right now. My brother and I couldn’t attend the colleges we were accepted to because my parents didn’t have the money to help out because our older sister screwed up (again). I couldn’t ask for money while I was in college because they didn’t have it because my sister milked them out of it. Last October, she cried to them and they gave her $6000. This past May, as my husband and I are about to give birth to our third baby while in the middle of a military move across the country, my mother was pained to know that my sister was asking for ANOTHER $5000. Now that it’s October again, she needs another $3000. My husband and I, now that we live on the west coast (thanks to the Army), are trying to save the pennies we can (CA is a very expensive state!) so we can take a hop flight over to visit my folks in Japan. My mother called me to tell me that we shouldn’t bother to come over because they won’t have money to do anything at all if my father decides to give my sister the money. My father HATES what my sister does, but she’s got two children that he doesn’t want to see suffer (except both of these children believe it’s ok to walk around with their hand out and if they don’t get what they scream for, they throw tantrums… and one of them is 12!).

Anyway… I have been through my fair share of falling on my face financially because 1)I’m to afraid to ask my folks for help because of the **** my sister puts them through 2) I’m too stubborn to ask for help because I know the majority of my debt is ignorant consumer debt… the kind where you get debt to help relieve debt only to create more? So I feel I should figure out how to get out of it myself. 3) My father is in the Army… been there for 30 years… he EARNED his money the very hard way, many years of sacrifice on his and my mothers’ part… they should enjoy it and if they feel called to leave me some in retirement or upon death, then I’ll graciously accept it… but I won’t ask for it before then.

Ok… I’ll get off my soapbox. Just wanted to let you know I feel your pain and I’ll say some prayers for you. As far as my sibling… I tend to get my hand in the pot and tell her to stop wasting money and being stupid. If she hangs up on me… at least she knows my opinion and I won’t listen to her cry that she’s broke and about to have her car repoed and she and the girls’ are about to get kicked out of their apartment. She is very aware that she’s out of luck upon my parents death because my brother and I won’t help her. I don’t have sympathy for people that buy take out food 5 times a week then wonder why they don’t have money for rent… and she gets food stamps!!!
theresa
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Theresa, you forgot to mention that you are a woman of character, take full responsibility for your actions and do not expect your parents to bail you out for your mistakes. I know it is difficult to live this way, and it is equally difficult to love your sister when she is a big bottomless pit of selfishness, but I have a great deal of admiration for you and think you are pretty special. Good goin’, kiddo.
 
Friends:

I would appreciate your prayers and support now, or any advice you want to give. As the topic of my post, sure enough it has escalated once again. My brother has been now living and mooching off my parents now for about 4 months, along with his non-English speaking wife. My parents are at their wit’s end, yet (choose) to do nothing about it. They believe his lies and schemes, yet complain to me and my other siblings how it’s “killing your father…he’s going to have a heart attack because of it all”…etc…This one brother has borrowed thousands of dollars from all our relatives, keeping my parents in the dark about it all, then approaches my parents for more money and they keep giving it to him. Who knows what he is doing with this money. Perhaps drugs, paying off creditors. He is a leech. He has no job, no house, no car, a wife, no kids, and just keeps using my parents, I think waiting for them to die so he can take possession of their beautiful beach house. My parents have allowed it all the same. And yes, as one poster has pointed out, he obviously seems to be their favorite child of all, as he is most brilliant of a writer and a musician, yet doing nothing with his talent presently.
He refuses to work, nor does his wife. He tells my parents lies one after another, and they believe it. I, and my other brothers and sisters are very perplexed as to what to do. As our parents call us, proclaiming how upset they are, etc., we know the situation, we tell them how they should verify his claims, etc., they do not,etc. I suppose I just need to vent here from it all, if anyone is so kind to respond. It is a very weird situation. We all were together at one cousin’s house on X-mas. My parents having no idea that this brother maneuvered $5,000 out of one aunt. All hush, hush, not telling my parents. Then he comes to our parents for more money, saying he’s flat broke, can’t pay for his storage space where all his furniture is, etc…
Should I tell my parents he was given this money from one aunt?
She told us all not to say anything. But this whole scenario is getting rather sickening. And God knows he’s hit up more relatives as well. My parents are just so foolish. We cannot believe it. At this point, we don’t know what to do.

Thx for any insight anyone might have.
 
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sparkle:
Friends:

I would appreciate your prayers and support now, or any advice you want to give. As the topic of my post, sure enough it has escalated once again. My brother has been now living and mooching off my parents now for about 4 months, along with his non-English speaking wife. My parents are at their wit’s end, yet (choose) to do nothing about it. They believe his lies and schemes, yet complain to me and my other siblings how it’s “killing your father…he’s going to have a heart attack because of it all”…etc…This one brother has borrowed thousands of dollars from all our relatives, keeping my parents in the dark about it all, then approaches my parents for more money and they keep giving it to him. Who knows what he is doing with this money. Perhaps drugs, paying off creditors. He is a leech. He has no job, no house, no car, a wife, no kids, and just keeps using my parents, I think waiting for them to die so he can take possession of their beautiful beach house. My parents have allowed it all the same. And yes, as one poster has pointed out, he obviously seems to be their favorite child of all, as he is most brilliant of a writer and a musician, yet doing nothing with his talent presently.
He refuses to work, nor does his wife. He tells my parents lies one after another, and they believe it. I, and my other brothers and sisters are very perplexed as to what to do. As our parents call us, proclaiming how upset they are, etc., we know the situation, we tell them how they should verify his claims, etc., they do not,etc. I suppose I just need to vent here from it all, if anyone is so kind to respond. It is a very weird situation. We all were together at one cousin’s house on X-mas. My parents having no idea that this brother maneuvered $5,000 out of one aunt. All hush, hush, not telling my parents. Then he comes to our parents for more money, saying he’s flat broke, can’t pay for his storage space where all his furniture is, etc…
Should I tell my parents he was given this money from one aunt?
She told us all not to say anything. But this whole scenario is getting rather sickening. And God knows he’s hit up more relatives as well. My parents are just so foolish. We cannot believe it. At this point, we don’t know what to do.

Thx for any insight anyone might have.
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Well Sparkle, it’s good to hear from you again!!! I think your parents know all of your brothers schemes and feel the same way that you do about him. They just won’t do anything about it and keep on enabling him. I have a brother who manipulates my parents and uses his child as a pawn. My mother knows this and it sickens me when he is around because I feel that she kisses his you know what in order to have a relationship with him and his daughter. I would stay out of it and enjoy your life. Your brother is making his own bed. As my younger brother says - Worry about saving yourself!!! 😃 Some situations and people are just not worth your time. (Hey, maybe I need to take my own advice!!)
 
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sparkle:
Should I tell my parents he was given this money from one aunt?
She told us all not to say anything. But this whole scenario is getting rather sickening. And God knows he’s hit up more relatives as well. My parents are just so foolish. We cannot believe it. At this point, we don’t know what to do.

Thx for any insight anyone might have.
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Hi Sparkle,
I am so sorry for laughing right now, but your brother and my sister must be made from the same fold. My mother IMed me last night to ask if I’ve heard from her because my mother, the intelligent woman that she is, has figured out that if she doesn’t hear from my sister in awhile (being at least more than 5 days) then the next communiations is a begging plea asking for money. And knowing what’s going on because I talked to her two days ago… .yep… .my mom is correct.

I personally keep my parents informed as: 1) and early warning device as I feel they have a right to get a heads up from the slammed “I need money to feed my kids, RIGHT NOW.” senario which has happened to them MANY times. 2)so they have an accurate idea of what my sister is really asking from them as she lies to them about how much she needs. She gives me the accurate info and she seems to forget that I can add numbers together. 3)I pray each time that this will be the one time they say no when I tell them how much she’s either going to ask for or how much she’s really asking for.

My mother hates the fact that my sister mooches… she’s always been against it and tries so hard to not let my father give my sister the money. My father hates it because he’s starting to see it as a failure on his part for not teaching her well enough. I hate that it’s taken him so long to figure this out, and I also hate it that he hates it for selfish reasons… he’s not responsible for a 33 yr old that can’t figure out how to manage her money. He is responsible for continuously enabling her.

You will have to weigh the pros and cons of the senario of what will happen if you tell your folks of the borrowed money. If I read you correctly, your aunt said to not mention anything? Ask her why she doesn’t want your folks to know… she might be clueless as to how much your brother mooches from others. If I were in your shoes, I would tell my folks of the recently borrowed money along with the caveat that my aunt didn’t want them to know. Not to “get her into trouble” either.

I will keep you in my prayers… it’s very frustrating, but a cross Christ gave us. We can give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, but we need to teach a man to fish so he can eat for the rest of his life… where and how do we start the teaching process?
Peace
theresa
 
The only reason that siblings mooch off of their parents is because experience shows that they can do it and get away with it. Until the parents stop enabling the siblings, the situation won’t change. If the parents have been a soft touch in the past, they probably can’t be hard-hearted and cut the poor little dears off financially. There is much satisfaction in growing up and getting one’s own financial life in order. It is probably the only thing we (as siblings) can do in that situation. God knows, we can’t change our parents or our wayward siblings.
 
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stayathomemom:
Well Sparkle, it’s good to hear from you again!!! I think your parents know all of your brothers schemes and feel the same way that you do about him. They just won’t do anything about it and keep on enabling him. I have a brother who manipulates my parents and uses his child as a pawn. My mother knows this and it sickens me when he is around because I feel that she kisses his you know what in order to have a relationship with him and his daughter. I would stay out of it and enjoy your life. Your brother is making his own bed. As my younger brother says - Worry about saving yourself!!! 😃 Some situations and people are just not worth your time. (Hey, maybe I need to take my own advice!!)
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Thank you. Needed to hear this! And it’s just what I’m doing!!! One of my sisters however, is now getting very preterbed by it all, asking me for advice, attempting to intervene with our parents, (she never has before). Since my parents don’t come to me anymore, because they know I tell them the way it is, that “it’s their choice” to handle this sibling in this manner; now they go to her crying on her shoulder. I told her, my sis, I’ve been there, and have “learned” (thanks to you all) that it’s their deal, and to leave it alone. That they know full well what they’re doing, and the consequences, and it’s their choice to keep enabling. Hard with big families, there’s always some saga!!!

Thanks again!!!
 
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tamccrackine:
Hi Sparkle,
We can give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day, but we need to teach a man to fish so he can eat for the rest of his life…
theresa
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Love this saying!!!

Good luck with your situation too! I’m afraid it’s your parents choice to keep enabling this sister too!!! Oh well!!! We all live and learn, regardless of age------(hopefully we learn)

Peace~~
 
Friends:

Hello. Sorry to be back on this topic but it is a hard and very difficult and challenging one for me and all my siblings and for our family as a whole. As we have witnessed, our poor aging parents have given away at least $50K to this sick, brother of ours, in the past 2 years, and much more in the past 10, well actually 30 really. Parents are distraught over it all, on edge, and have not slept, ate, and all in all, it has affected their overall well-being. I have notified their pastor to meet with them which the Pastor did. Parents continue to “cry on our shoulder” yet do nothing to change the situation". This brother now, supposedly has moved out, heading back to Europe, but we wouldn’'t be surprised if he was back again on our parent’s doorstep at any given moment, as has been the case for the past 35 years. My brothers and sisters and I are completely fed-up and it is affecting our relationship with our parents, as we just want to tell them to “stop calling us and complaining about it” , etc., etc., and how basically “they’ve made their bed, now go lay in it”. But, how do we do this? At this point, I’m really at a loss as to what to say anymore to my folks when I talk to them. ALL they speak of is this brother, etc., etc. They don’t really listen anymore to me or my family stuff, but concern themselves with “when and if he’ll be back”. It’s getting real old, and I feel I don’t even want to talk to my parents again…ever. Yes, it hurts me, and my other brothers and sisters, as he obviously is the favorite child, and their life is so obsessed with him. What should I do? say?

Any advice is so appreciated. I know this has been a never-ending saga, but at this point, I need some advice. I have stopped intervening or giving advice at all, yet now, I feel I just want to hang-up on my parents when they call. It’s like a broken record…at this point. I feel guilty that I feel like just cutting my parents off completely, not even letting them know what’s happening in my life, with my family, and like they don’t even care. All they care about is this sick brother, (their favorite). Is this normal?

Thank you all for listening. Sheez, I feel awful for troubling you with it. But I thank you.
 
Sorry this is still going on. I know the feeling of having a disfunctional sibling and the distraction it causes that keeps parents from enjoying their other kids and the resentment of always feeling like you’re coming in second. It can feel almost as if you’re being penalized for having a somewhat normal life.

What I did at one point was to simply disconnect. The next time your parents call and launch into the latest development, can you stop them and just say (as kindly as possible) I don’t want to be part of this conflict anymore. I have listened to your concerns, offered my advice, given my opinion. I need a break. It’s unhealthy for me and for my relationship with you as my parents to continue be involved with this…

It doesn’t have to be forever or unyielding–like if there is a real crisis–they should know you have not renounced your place in the family and will be there to help them. But, you have communicated your needs/limits without blowing up at them and at the same time notified them that you’re dropping out of the family drama. If they try on later occasions to resurrect the topic with you–stop them and kindly remind them that this is not something you care to go into again. They will get the message and maybe if you aren’t always focused on your brother during your conversations with them, you will be able to move onto something that relates to you and your family.
 
Sparkle,

I know this is a hard situation for you to deal with and you are not a bother for wanting to talk about your problems. What I suggest doing is when your parents do call to talk about your brother, just sit there and don’t comment one way or another about their complaining - just pretty much ignore it - and when they are done complaining change the subject without commenting on your brother. I know it is hard to listen to the same record over and over, but once you just sit there and say um-hum, um-hum, - they will get the hint. Don’t volunteer any information about yourself or your family - Just speak when spoken to. Don’t call them, don’t visit, and if they call - answer the phone but make it short and sweet. They will see that you are not acting the same. I had to do that with my mom when my brother was giving her trouble. It’s not that I didn’t want to help her, but I got tired of hearing how much he was hurting my parents. It seemed that was all we talked about when we visited on the phone and in person - and I quit volunteering information to her because I felt that all she was worried about was him. If you and all of your siblings try this, your parents may see that they are pushing their other children away because of this one child. Have you ever thought that maybe you and your siblings are enabling your parents to enable your brother because you give them someone to complain to? It almost sounds like they really don’t like the situation with your brother, but the pity they get from their other children makes it all worth it. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Yes, Stayathommom: See what you are saying. And I think it’s very “right on”. They get and seem to need “pity” from one of their other children, when they really do not have a clue as to how it’s affecting all of us. It’s driving us further and further away from them. Me, most definately. I thank you and the other poster for both your good advice. It’s very hard though, as they phone us alot crying on our shoulder, saying "this is THE last time we’ll give him $$$$$, yet do it again and again. I know I need to withdraw, and I have NOT been offering my opinions, except when asked, and have said exactly as the other poster above has suggested to say what I feel, that they’ve chosen to cease to enable, etc…I just want to hang up on them at this point when they call, they’re sooooo sick and troubled, and here my dad is a pastor! Geeeeszzz!

Thx for listening and responding and for the very good and needed advice.
 
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