What to do when your mom WON'T go to church?

[MamaZona]

Hi All,

I have a quick question. My mom and I have had troubles at times, because of her issues with depression, etc. I love her very dearly, and I know, deep down, she’s good at heart, but she won’t go near a church.

She still considers herself Lutheran, but she doesn’t go. We’ve been going to a Catholic Church for years and are very active in RE, RCIA, etc. etc.

She told me the other day “I don’t have to go to church to be a good Christian. I’m a strong Christian, but I practice my faith alone.”

It goes so far that she won’t even go to Christmas Mass with us to see the kids in the Christmas pageant, etc. She’s really creative. She got all dressed up and came over before to wish the kids luck and then made up a crazy excuse not to go. (This has happened more than once.) I’ve asked to take my grandmother at least, on Christmas, for her, but she won’t let me.

When my grandfather was alive, when he couldn’t go to church anymore the pastor would come by and visit him so he could still take communion, etc. They were good friends.

Now no pastor comes out, my grandmother doesn’t go to church, and my mom doesn’t either. She believes in God, but she thinks the Church is all wrong and full of bad people.

She’s okay with us becoming Catholic, but is pro-choice (staunchly pro-choice and pro-assisted suicide). I can’t seem to get through to her that we don’t pray to the Pope or Mary.

Most importantly, I’m worried my kids are going to be impacted by her attitude toward Mass. She’s always saying that it’s basically great to go, if you have to go, but you don’t really need it.

I don’t want them coming to that conclusion. The Mass is a very important part of our week. Everything just seems “off” if we don’t make it to Mass on Sunday (at least).

So, what do you do?? I can’t change her, and I can’t seem to keep her from talking like that to the kids. It’s kind of frustrating.

 

[capsaicin]

Tell her she is free to make her own religious decisions, but if she keeps actively undermining your children’s faith upbringing, she will find her access severely curtailed. Religious education is one of the absolute non-negotiables in my book. My dad and his wife tried to sign my kids up for some weekly program at their Assemblies of God church, and I had to tell them thank you, but no thanks. And I told them why… it’s not appropriate to undermine learning their own faith by putting them in programs where they will be taught things that go against it or even trash it. They were fine and respected that…

I know your pain on this. My mom is a lapsed Catholic who is certain the Church is full of crooks who want to control other people and nothing else. I gave up on persuading her long ago. I do still pray for her. She knows though, that if she were to try any kind of undermining of faith with my kids that she would face serious consequences.

 

[MamaZona]

Tell her she is free to make her own religious decisions, but if she keeps actively undermining your children’s faith upbringing, she will find her access severely curtailed. Religious education is one of the absolute non-negotiables in my book. My dad and his wife tried to sign my kids up for some weekly program at their Assemblies of God church, and I had to tell them thank you, but no thanks. And I told them why… it’s not appropriate to undermine learning their own faith by putting them in programs where they will be taught things that go against it or even trash it. They were fine and respected that…

I know your pain on this. My mom is a lapsed Catholic who is certain the Church is full of crooks who want to control other people and nothing else. I gave up on persuading her long ago. I do still pray for her. She knows though, that if she were to try any kind of undermining of faith with my kids that she would face serious consequences.

Oh, this is only one in a list of things my mom has done. Sadly, she’s already seen her access to the kids curtailed. She only sees them when we can ALL be together. No sleepovers, no taking them anywhere without me. I don’t even leave them with her to run to the store “real quick”.

She’s not allowed to talk on the phone with them without me on the line.

(She threatened to commit suicide in front of them once and said it was my fault. When my older boy told her it was wrong and not my fault she let loose on him and ran off into the woods and disappeared for a couple of days. The kids went through Hell because they thought their grandmom was dead somewhere.)

My husband wants me to cut all contact because he thinks she’s pure evil. It would be easier–in theory, but I might as well try to cut out my heart while I’m at it. I love my parents too much to just cut them out of my life.

So, I’m trying to keep things limited and supervised. It’s a tightrope walk.

I’m worried if I tell her she cannot say that about Mass that she will fly into a rage. But, I know I have to draw the line.

God wouldn’t have said to do it if it were merely “optional”.

Edit to add: I’m sorry about your mother and father. I know it is hard. My stepfather-in-law is a lapsed Catholic, too. I don’t worry too much because he’s respectful of our choice and stays quiet. I think it is a terrible thing for him, though, and all others who lose (for one reason or another) something so beautiful from their lives.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

My dad was a lapsed Catholic all the time we were growing up. It just occured to me who was the father substitute during that time as far as church things went, my mother’s father, my Grandpa.

SO- If you are going to Mass, and your DH is going to Mass, what is the big deal? Let her go her own screwy way. Pray for her. If she needs food, clothing or shelter, make sure she has it, but never at the expense of your own family’s needs.

I wouldn’t leave her alone with my kids for five seconds. That should make you feel better.

As far as your grandmother goes- There is nothing wrong with you asking Grandma if she wants to go to her church or have the pastor drop by, calling the local Lutheran pastor, and having him or her pop by (depending on what type of Lutheran Grandma is). Even if Grandma lives with Mom, the pastor can make it clear he/ she is there to visit with Grandma. There is no reason grandma’s church can’t make some kind of accomodations for Grandma’s spiritual welfare.

And I bet Grandma wouldn’t mind if you picked her up and not your mother to see the kids in the Christmas pageant.

 

[MamaZona]

My dad was a lapsed Catholic all the time we were growing up. It just occured to me who was the father substitute during that time as far as church things went, my mother’s father, my Grandpa.

SO- If you are going to Mass, and your DH is going to Mass, what is the big deal? Let her go her own screwy way. Pray for her. If she needs food, clothing or shelter, make sure she has it, but never at the expense of your own family’s needs.

I wouldn’t leave her alone with my kids for five seconds. That should make you feel better.

As far as your grandmother goes- There is nothing wrong with you asking Grandma if she wants to go to her church or have the pastor drop by, calling the local Lutheran pastor, and having him or her pop by (depending on what type of Lutheran Grandma is). Even if Grandma lives with Mom, the pastor can make it clear he/ she is there to visit with Grandma. There is no reason grandma’s church can’t make some kind of accomodations for Grandma’s spiritual welfare.

And I bet Grandma wouldn’t mind if you picked her up and not your mother to see the kids in the Christmas pageant.

Yeah, actually, it does make me feel better, thanks. I have a lot of guilt. I constantly have to tell her no and she throws fits about it.

She won’t let the pastor by. If I called their old friend my mom would go nuts. She doesn’t even let my grandmother go to her old luncheons with old friends from the job she retired from.

We tried to bring over Thanksgiving dinner once. She threw us out of the house in a rage because she didn’t want to be bothered with it. We did it as kind of a surprise for her and my grandmother. She didn’t talk to me for weeks after that.

You see, the easy answer is to just wash my hands of it, but I can’t seem to do that. I really care about both of my parents. I’m not just saying that. These things really hurt me personally.

I just hope her bad attitude won’t rub off AND I really would like them to at least see the kids. I know my grandmother would love it if I could just get my mom to allow it.

I guess my question is, on a spiritual level, can you be a “good Christian” if you don’t go to church? Talking to my mom, sometimes it leads me to feel silly or embarassed that I feel as strongly about the Mass as what I do.

 

[notsmart]

Church may not be the only thing she is skipping thinking it of little importance. She may not be taking the perscriptions her doctor has given her, or maybe not going in for yearly checkups, ect. People who have depression can neglect themselves in all ways. It may be very hard for her to just get through the day, and to her that is a struggle that takes all of her effort to achieve. Since non catholic churches (the ones I have done any study on) do not consider it a mortal sin to miss Sunday worship, and I can imagine its only a hop skip and jump to think worship can be optional in a mentally distressed state.
I would not try to convince her of the obvious. I would not let her alone with the kids either (for all sorts of reasons) and I would take my children into some kind of christian therapy or have a priest talk with them about this before thanksgiving and Christmas come around. They may need to talk this out with someone who they can say things to without fear of hurting your feelings (they know you love her, and they do too, and they may hide how they feel about her antics because it may scare them)
I don’t know if they are old enough to understand that she has a medical problem but I sure hope that the holidays work out for your family. I am very sorry.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Yeah, actually, it does make me feel better, thanks. I have a lot of guilt. I constantly have to tell her no and she throws fits about it. Well, you are under no obligation as a Christian to expose yourself and esp. not your children to ridicule, screaming, carrying on and certainly not a suicide.

She won’t let the pastor by. If I called their old friend my mom would go nuts. She doesn’t even let my grandmother go to her old luncheons with old friends from the job she retired from. Is Grandma incapable of looking at your mother and whacking her with her walker or cane? Does your mother interfere in your relationship with your grandmother to the point where she will not let you drive Grandma to her church, or out to her luncheons? Does your mother deny Grandma the use of the phone to call her friends, a cab, or the elder ride service in your community? Because if your mother is holding her prisoner, that’s elder abuse, and it should be reported without delay. It might be the way your mother can get the help she needs, but it will certainly help Grandma.

You see, the easy answer is to just wash my hands of it, but I can’t seem to do that. I really care about both of my parents. I’m not just saying that. These things really hurt me personally. You dad is there or someplace else or passed?

I just hope her bad attitude won’t rub off AND I really would like them to at least see the kids. I know my grandmother would love it if I could just get my mom to allow it. Yep, elder abuse, pure and simple. You have to get the guts to report this. Your grandmother is being held prisoner from what you’re telling me here. if you really care about your mother, you need to report her NOW.

I guess my question is, on a spiritual level, can you be a “good Christian” if you don’t go to church? Sure. Think about places where there are no churches. Think about way back when, when churches on the prairie were few and far between. Talking to my mom, sometimes it leads me to feel silly or embarassed that I feel as strongly about the Mass as what I do. Because she has some serious problems, and because she is abusing your grandmother? Because you couldn’t think of a name to put on it? I would say that’s a fair summation.

 

[Donna_Mc]

My Dad is Catholic and my Mom is Lutheran. We were raised Catholic and never missed Mass. My Mom doesn’t go to any church either. I of course would love her to become Catholic but if not that at least go to her own church. She says she prays and doesn’t have to go to church to be a good person. Meanwhile she always was supportive of us being raised Catholic. She did attend our sacraments and her grandchildren’s sacraments too. It is always something that has made me very sad. I understand how you feel.

 

[MamaZona]

OutinChgoburbs:

Well, you are under no obligation as a Christian to expose yourself and esp. not your children to ridicule, screaming, carrying on and certainly not a suicide.

**I know I’m not under an obligation. I just care about my family. I’ve been told many times to ditch them for my own mental health by psychologists, friends, etc. It would be a rational move. I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. My mom has been alternatively the closest person to me AND someone who has tormented me (hit me, screamed at me, choked me, etc). She’s just really really sick. She’s not 100% of the time like this. I don’t even know if it is depression. I’ve been told over the years it is a lot of things. She has a lot of problems but won’t seek help. **

Is Grandma incapable of looking at your mother and whacking her with her walker or cane? Does your mother interfere in your relationship with your grandmother to the point where she will not let you drive Grandma to her church, or out to her luncheons? Does your mother deny Grandma the use of the phone to call her friends, a cab, or the elder ride service in your community? Because if your mother is holding her prisoner, that’s elder abuse, and it should be reported without delay. It might be the way your mother can get the help she needs, but it will certainly help Grandma.

**I have. The police stopped by and questioned my grandmother even. No such luck. They just left and told me everything was fine. My mother went ballistic on everyone (probably including my grandmother). My grandmother has Alzheimers, but she’s always covered up things for my mom. No one outside the family can be trusted (their view) and it’s always “keep it in the family”. **

You dad is there or someplace else or passed?

**My grandfather and grandmother raised me (for the most part–we lived with them after my parents two divorces to each other). So, yes, the person who really filled in as my dad passed several years ago. My own dad is an atheist. I haven’t seen him in a decade. I did track him down and we do exchange the occasional card, but he’s never even met my kids. I’ve been asked many times why I bother.

I honestly don’t know. All I can say is that I really just care. They’re not “bad people” they have good qualities, too. They’re just sick and damaged. I just worry that if I give up…who will there be to take my place? Who would care about them at all? Who is going to reach out and say “I love you”? My mom has no friends. Her siblings hate her. When my grandmother dies I don’t even know how she will survive–to say nothing of the fact I don’t know how my grandmother is surviving the current situation!

My dad, I don’t know if he has friends. It’s been 10 years. He remarried, she works and lives part time in another state. Most of his family is dead now–including my half-sister. I didn’t know until he wrote to tell me she burned alive several years ago. How, I don’t know. I’ve begged him to put me in touch with my niece. **

Yep, elder abuse, pure and simple. You have to get the guts to report this. Your grandmother is being held prisoner from what you’re telling me here. if you really care about your mother, you need to report her NOW.

**I have. I tried to call the police when she ran off into the woods threatening suicide. You would be surprised how little help you can get, but their hands are tied. Think of how hard it is to help the helpless children who suffer abuse (I should know, was one of them…added to the irony of my mom working with the protective services)–let alone two adults…one of whom is determined to cover up everything to the bitter end. **

Sure. Think about places where there are no churches. Think about way back when, when churches on the prairie were few and far between.

**No, no, I know that. I mean, can you be a good Christian and actively avoid the five churches right across the street from you and your neighbors and almost all human contact–by choice–because you find it intolerable? **

Because she has some serious problems, and because she is abusing your grandmother? Because you couldn’t think of a name to put on it? I would say that’s a fair summation.

**Probably so. I think a lot is obvious to people outside of the situation. I wish I could have that clarity and distance. I often wonder what it is like to be in a more “typical” (I won’t say normal because I don’t think there is a 100% normal family out there) family. My kids have that now, it is nice to be a part of a nuclear, intact family without such pointless drama.

I think I’m so used to it that sometimes, I forget how truly bizarre some of this might sound to other people.

I grew up with a mom that locked me in the back yard and drove off threatening to kill herself in the middle of summer in the desert without water or shoes. I tried breaking the doors witha shovel to get in and call someone for help. Then I managed to climb out and walk a few miles barefoot in 110F weather to get my grandparents.

And a million other stories from the past that you would think would make the question I just asked completely pointless and calling my mom somehow good completely insane. I just really love my parents. They didn’t JUST hurt me growing up. They did things for me, too. These same people read to me, fed me, clothed me, took me places, and like it or not I owe them some respect for the good they have done for me. I hate what they have done that is wrong, but they are my mom and dad.

As my husband has said, “Yeah, and Hannibal was a great conversationalist, too, until he ate you.”

My parents were graduate-level-educated, upper-middle-class people, too. None of this happened somewhere in a trailer park.

Anyway…yes, I have reported it. It was like beating my head on a brick wall. **

 

[notsmart]

Depressed people can be from any social strata.
Saints likewise, may come from trailer parks.

I see bigotry everywhere here.

 

[MamaZona]

Church may not be the only thing she is skipping thinking it of little importance. She may not be taking the perscriptions her doctor has given her, or maybe not going in for yearly checkups, ect. People who have depression can neglect themselves in all ways. It may be very hard for her to just get through the day, and to her that is a struggle that takes all of her effort to achieve. Since non catholic churches (the ones I have done any study on) do not consider it a mortal sin to miss Sunday worship, and I can imagine its only a hop skip and jump to think worship can be optional in a mentally distressed state.
I would not try to convince her of the obvious. I would not let her alone with the kids either (for all sorts of reasons) and I would take my children into some kind of christian therapy or have a priest talk with them about this before thanksgiving and Christmas come around. They may need to talk this out with someone who they can say things to without fear of hurting your feelings (they know you love her, and they do too, and they may hide how they feel about her antics because it may scare them)
I don’t know if they are old enough to understand that she has a medical problem but I sure hope that the holidays work out for your family. I am very sorry.

**I know, the point is miniscule in comparison with the overall problem. What she says about Mass I don’t want the boys to believe. I worry because once she got my son’s ear and tried to turn him against my husband and I. He was so scared of me he thought I was going to drown him. I don’t want him developing a similar aversion to church. Although, I’ve worked to make sure she does NOT have so much as a nanosecond to get him into a one-on-one conversation.

They understand she has a medical problem, but it is really hard. Why isn’t Grandmom like our other Grandma? Why does she say she hates you Mommy?

I got sick a few of months ago and she came over screaming at my husband. I had a really nasty virus and a fever and she just wouldn’t leave me alone or stop coming over to the bed and shaking me. My husband had to escort her out of the house.

After that, she told me she never wanted to see me again. Then a few weeks later they started calling leaving messages begging me to call them and talk to them. My grandmother keep begging me to tell her how the boys were doing, how I was doing. **

 

[notsmart]

**I know, the point is miniscule in comparison with the overall problem. What she says about Mass I don’t want the boys to believe. I worry because once she got my son’s ear and tried to turn him against my husband and I. He was so scared of me he thought I was going to drown him. I don’t want him developing a similar aversion to church. Although, I’ve worked to make sure she does NOT have so much as a nanosecond to get him into a one-on-one conversation.

They understand she has a medical problem, but it is really hard. Why isn’t Grandmom like our other Grandma? Why does she say she hates you Mommy?

I got sick a few of months ago and she came over screaming at my husband. I had a really nasty virus and a fever and she just wouldn’t leave me alone or stop coming over to the bed and shaking me. My husband had to escort her out of the house.

After that, she told me she never wanted to see me again. Then a few weeks later they started calling leaving messages begging me to call them and talk to them. My grandmother keep begging me to tell her how the boys were doing, how I was doing. **

I really hope she is getting help medically. She needs to get someone to help her, because she can benefit from it.
And, your family will also as a result.
Your children are raised with you and your husband’s moral teachings. You are in a tough situation.
Trust that God has given you and your husband the ability to teach them the faith at this point. Your mother can’t stop what good things you have done with your children.
She really has no more power than you give her.

 

[MamaZona]

Depressed people can be from any social strata.
Saints likewise, may come from trailer parks.

I see bigotry everywhere here.

No, no, please don’t take it that way. That really wasn’t what I meant at all. I just make this point because people I’ve met tend to assume it’s always “those people” that have “those problems” and that education or social status somehow inoculates you from certain behavior patterns.

You can be a doctor or a rocket scientist or even a member of the clergy and still behave terribly. Every person is an individual–no group is homogenous.

People don’t belong in boxes with labels.

My mom worked for an arm of the child protective services, she was highly educated, etc. I’m not saying it to say “I’m not one of those people.” I’m saying it to put in full view the picture that this mess is really not something easily categorized and stuffed aside. This kind of stuff goes on way too much in all levels of society. There are so many broken, damaged, suffering people out there and they are from all walks of life.

If you really want to know, I fit better with people who haven’t had much in life. I like them better. People who grew up in the sort of family I’m trying to raise or the ones I see in our church groups often feel as foreign to me as alien visitors from the planet Zork. I like them, but I’m missing some of the shared experiences…

Everytime I hear someone bemoaning the “poor and uneducated” I think two things: 1) Fat lot of good it did my parents 2) Why not complain about the uneducated and spiritually impoverished RICH at least, if you don’t have anything, you have an excuse for not having gone to school.

 

[notsmart]

I will pray for your family, as it is all I can do. I am so sorry this is happening, and worried about how the holidays will be for you all.

Is there anyone who can talk to you at your parish, that is good with this stuff?
Could you invite your priest to Thanksgiving dinner maybe? Would that be helpful?

 

[MamaZona]

I really hope she is getting help medically. She needs to get someone to help her, because she can benefit from it.
And, your family will also as a result.
Your children are raised with you and your husband’s moral teachings. You are in a tough situation.
Trust that God has given you and your husband the ability to teach them the faith at this point. Your mother can’t stop what good things you have done with your children.
She really has no more power than you give her.

Short of hiring a lawyer, I frankly don’t think there is much I can do to get her help other than to just keep letting her know I’m here and ready to help if/when she will let me.

I don’t think she has much power, but I know how hard it is to hear adults you care about making statements against things that matter to you. Heck, I’m nearing thirty and it still troubles me at times. But, they’re in RE, we’re very, very involved in the Church. I’m trying hard to make sure they know it is priority ONE in our household with health and education following as a close second.

She and my grandmother and my dad are in our prayers always. Whatever happens, I know God will be there for us.

 

[MamaZona]

I will pray for your family, as it is all I can do. I am so sorry this is happening, and worried about how the holidays will be for you all.

Is there anyone who can talk to you at your parish, that is good with this stuff?
Could you invite your priest to Thanksgiving dinner maybe? Would that be helpful?

I appreciate any prayers. We certainly need all of them we can get. The holidays are rough. My mom tends to not fair well on the holidays and mother’s day. If I see them on a holiday this year, it will have to be on my own. I’ve ended up with the kids witnessing too many nasty scenes.

I mean, our nuclear family does well and we see my husband’s parents. It’s just my side that is a mess on the holidays. The kids actually miss my mom, though. The last few months of not seeing her they kept asking why we didn’t see her anymore and asking if she still loved them. I have a stack of hearts and smiley faces my younger boy drew for her and stuffed in envelopes. My oldest doesn’t do that anymore–which is sad, but I don’t blame him. She blames me. Says there is a wall between them now where there wasn’t before. There is. I didn’t put it there, though. And the limits to free contact (calls, sleepovers) are just common sense protection.

There’s nothing I love more than holidays and time with friends/family, though.

It’s okay to invite the parish priest to Thanksgiving? I’m sorry, I’ve been going to our church for two headed to three years now and I still don’t know what is okay and not on some things. It’s a really big parish. I’m sure he gets a lot of offers and really busy. But if it is okay to ask, that’s definitely something we would like to do.

 

[LilyM]

No, no, please don’t take it that way. That really wasn’t what I meant at all. I just make this point because people I’ve met tend to assume it’s always “those people” that have “those problems” and that education or social status somehow inoculates you from certain behavior patterns.

You can be a doctor or a rocket scientist or even a member of the clergy and still behave terribly. Every person is an individual–no group is homogenous.

People don’t belong in boxes with labels.

My mom worked for an arm of the child protective services, she was highly educated, etc. I’m not saying it to say “I’m not one of those people.” I’m saying it to put in full view the picture that this mess is really not something easily categorized and stuffed aside. This kind of stuff goes on way too much in all levels of society. There are so many broken, damaged, suffering people out there and they are from all walks of life.

If you really want to know, I fit better with people who haven’t had much in life. I like them better. People who grew up in the sort of family I’m trying to raise or the ones I see in our church groups often feel as foreign to me as alien visitors from the planet Zork. I like them, but I’m missing some of the shared experiences…

Everytime I hear someone bemoaning the “poor and uneducated” I think two things: 1) Fat lot of good it did my parents 2) Why not complain about the uneducated and spiritually impoverished RICH at least, if you don’t have anything, you have an excuse for not having gone to school.

My prayers for all of you. I have so much more I want to say, but I’ll send it to you in a PM. Take it all with a grain of salt - neither I nor anyone else is a trained professional.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

No, no, I know that. I mean, can you be a good Christian and actively avoid the five churches right across the street from you and your neighbors and almost all human contact–by choice–because you find it intolerable? In theory, sure. In reality, maybe not.

**And a million other stories from the past that you would think would make the question I just asked completely pointless and calling my mom somehow good completely insane. I just really love my parents. They didn’t JUST hurt me growing up. They did things for me, too. These same people read to me, fed me, clothed me, took me places, and like it or not I owe them some respect for the good they have done for me. I hate what they have done that is wrong, but they are my mom and dad. I can understand that. **

As my husband has said, “Yeah, and Hannibal was a great conversationalist, too, until he ate you.” He’s right. Maybe you need to get some counseling, protect you and yours, and go on your own way.

**My parents were graduate-level-educated, upper-middle-class people, too. None of this happened somewhere in a trailer park. It happens in big, palacial mansions as well as trailer parks. **

Anyway…yes, I have reported it. It was like beating my head on a brick wall. I understand that. I had one instance where I reported abuse and I became the object of investigation instead of the abuser. I also reported it once and was told, “Well, she wants it that way.” I had to realize that in that instance they were right.

 

[MamaZona]

He’s right. Maybe you need to get some counseling, protect you and yours, and go on your own way.

**I know he is. I have tried counseling before. I’d love to again, but the cost in copays and time (kids have to be somewhere else if I’m going to talk, etc) are a bit steep. If you can’t tell, the issue is haunting me at the moment. Not doing wonders for my marriage, either. **

My parents were graduate-level-educated, upper-middle-class people, too. None of this happened somewhere in a trailer park. It happens in big, palacial mansions as well as trailer parks.

**I know that very, very well. I just say that because I don’t want abuse dismissed outofhand. Sometimes when I talk about what has happened people make assumptions that I come from “white trash” or that my parents must have been young or uneducated. I was young and far less educated than my parents, but I haven’t been like them. A modest bank account doesn’t make you a bad person **

I understand that. I had one instance where I reported abuse and I became the object of investigation instead of the abuser. I also reported it once and was told, “Well, she wants it that way.” I had to realize that in that instance they were right.

**It is a disheartening experience, isn’t it? I want to hold some hope that the system is there to help, but it really can’t. When a family (the central unit of the society) is broken, very little can fix it and people get hurt very deeply. I can’t imagine the frustration of the police officers. I’m sure they know, but there really isn’t anything they can do in most cases. I’m sorry you had that experience. Ignorance, in this case, is bliss. **

 

[marietta]

MamaZona:

Your mother has as much power as you give her. Step up. Protect and defend.

She may have burnout from her job in social services. “When we bury feellings, we bury them alive.” This stuff may be coming out sideways on you and your kids. She is abusive to your family, she is guilty of elder abuse. If this were my mother, I would have zero respect for her lending her womb to me for nine months. She doesn’t act like a mother, she acts like a mentally unbalanced person who digs the power of drama and continues to beat you up with it. Enough is more than enough.

Like they said, nothing changes if nothing changes. Forget what your mother’s problems are - you can’t solve them. The only ones you can solve are your own problems. Break the situation down into manageable pieces and have at it. Remember: there’s always a perfectly good excuse not to do something that we really don’t want to do. The first change that needs to take place is in you and in your attitude. The circumstances suck. Move on. Draw up a restraining order, keep your kids a safe distance away. Love doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice everything so she can get her kicks abusing you.

marietta