What to do with son?

[Xantippe]

I visited him a couple of months ago. We had a good time.

How about instead of sending cash each month I buy him an equivenlent gift card at a local grocery store? Is that going to be embarrassing for him?

I would encourage you to stop the money for nothing, but do give him some warning of what’s coming (the 30-45 days that somebody mentioned is fine) and to begin a program of money for doing good stuff (applying for jobs, doing a psych evaluation, seeing the doctor, signing up for insurance, taking a class, etc.).

Unfortunately, every dollar you give him on a grocery gift card is a dollar he doesn’t need to earn for himself, so unless he is literally unable to work, it’s still a bad idea to give him grocery gift cards. The reason to give him groceries and feed him when you visit is to tangibly demonstrate that you are still his mom and that you care about him.

A 22-year-old can feed himself, even on a low wage job. What’s you can’t cover on that kind of job is 1) health insurance and 2) a family. Since he doesn’t have those two things to deal with at this point, he can make enough to eat. It’s hard for a 50-something to remember this, but a single person in their early 20s can live on pretty much nothing (and ditto young childless marrieds in their early 20s).

Looking down the road, there’s definitely the possibility of his situation getting much greyer for you. If he were to have kids (which could easily happen), it would be a much more morally difficult situation figuring out how to help out. That’s all the more reason to try to move him forward right now, while things are relatively simple (if not easy).

Best wishes!

 

[Deltadeliquent]

Just bought the book on drugs. Thank goodness for kindle downloads!
Any books on motivation? That’s his biggest problem and has been so since before the pot.

 

[Xantippe]

Just bought the book on drugs. Thank goodness for kindle downloads!
Any books on motivation? That’s his biggest problem and has been so since before the pot.

No clue.

I know a lot of guys (like Hoosier Daddy and my younger brother) are late bloomers. The trick is keeping them alive until they “bloom.”

 

[Musician]

Dear, I wouldn’t lay down the law or give him warnings. He probably knows that he is disappointing you. And I am sure that it does bother him. Why point out his flaws? I know I am in the minority here, but keeping your son close is of utmost importance, and if he feels that you are critical, he will pull away.
That being said, I have a grown daughter (26) who is fumbling at finding herself. She is living with us, no job (although she has applications in) for the past few months because she quit her last job…I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. But she beats herself up as it is, why would I add to that? I know she is trying in her way.
I probably am enabling her, but I love her dearly and don’t want her out on the street, period. And she is very grateful, helps out, cooks, cleans, takes odd jobs every week, etc. I certainly don’t give her any money.
Her three brothers have all been high-level corporate executives for a long time now with large salaries and nice homes; she has the same raising as they do, so I am quite sure she will find her way soon.
I just don’t believe in alienating grown children without a really good reason. They need us so much.

 

[MJJean]

Years ago I rented a house next to another rental home that was occupied by 4 boys. Technically, they were grown men between 19 and 22, but boys to me even though I was only a few years older at the time. They all worked cruddy jobs and they would take their pay, throw it onto the table, count out the bill money and then use the rest to buy liquor and beer. Why did they waste their money on alcohol instead of buying food? Because their parents would feed them! Why didn’t the get better jobs? Because better paying jobs demand more time and responsibility. Why didn’t they go back to college or even enroll in the first place? See “time and responsibility”.

When learning to train animals the conventional wisdom is to find out what motivates the animal and use that. Men are particularly food motivated. Tell him if he wants to eat he has to work and budget and get involved with his own life. End of story.

How about instead of sending cash each month I buy him an equivenlent gift card at a local grocery store? Is that going to be embarrassing for him?

I wouldn’t. The grocery stores here sell liquor, beer, and cigarettes.

 

[Et_Cetera]

Could you make it a deal that in order to keep receiving financial help, he will be required to see a mental health professional? He seems to have some psychological issues going on that the average person is not equipped to handle. He also might be more willing to work with a doctor who he feels is well versed in his problems. It sounds to me like he has low self esteem and depression.

 

[mommy_k]

Sometimes chronological age does not match emotional maturity. In my opinion your son needs to mature. He needs guidance on making wise choices, and he’s not getting this in the enviornment he is in.

I agree not to keep sending money. Tell him your door is always open, and if he needs help, he can move closer to home. Many college kids move back home until they are firmly planted and starting out in a career. Even if he goes right into the workforce, and lives close by it’s better then where he is now, as the enviornment is not good for him.

There is a difference between not being able to find work, and not wanting to find work, and how a young adult spends their leisure time. There is nothing wrong with having difficulty if the intent to work is there, and friends are a positive influence. If this were the case-then the money would be justified. But it’s not the case here.

Right now his motivation is the girl he likes, and that’s what’s keeping him stuck.