What to do...?

[LaceButterfly]

Hello everyone!

I’m new to the forums and have some questions:

My parents raised me as a Catholic until I was 11 years old. A few weeks after my first communion they converted to protestantism and began attending a ‘holiness church’. Talk about a shock to the system! I tried to live as a christian until I was 27 years old then gave up altogether and began exploring, eventually practicing Wicca.

A few years ago I did want to rejoin the church and still do, but I’d need an annulment and my husband would have to have his first marriage annulled too, which would be too expensive for us to manage. We have two children who have autism and most of what we have goes into their care (general and clinical). Also, my first husband was abusive and I am terrified of having to stand before the tribunal while he lies and denigrates me to them, not only because of his inability to be truthful, but because I am certain that as spiteful as he is, he will tell them something that will cause them to not annul our marriage. He is not catholic and at the time I was not practicing and we were married in a courthouse, but I have been advised that annulment will still be necessary or I can not participate in the sacraments and I am desperately in need of the sacrament of reconciliation.

My husband advised me to go to services anyway and avoid all of the complicated aspects of RCIA and annulment, but if I am separated from the sacraments, am I not still separated from God, and unable to be reconciled?

My husband has never been part of any religion and doesn’t wish to join the church, so this is yet another obstacle.

Can anyone tell me what I should do? I’m reading, studying and saying my rosary but I’d love to be able to go back. Does God still hear prayers and care about us if we try to do what’s right, even if we can’t be part of a faith community or be annulled or confirmed?

Also, I am taking birth control to treat an illness that would otherwise require a hysterectomy, and my husband had a vasectomy in 2001 because it is dangerous for me to have any more children. Are either of these things an issue?

 

[Joe_5859]

Welcome to CAF, LaceButterfly! God bless you for searching out the Catholic Church.

I just want to offer you a few points to clear up some things that will hopefully put you a bit more at ease.

First, I recommend and encourage you to approach your local parish priest about all of these issues. He can help you sort through it all in ways that we cannot. He will know what to do.

Second, there’s no reason you can’t start going to Mass. In your current situation, you will need to refrain from receiving the Eucharist until you get it all straightened out, but you should absolutely go every Sunday.

Third, do not worry about the cost of the annulment (“Declaration of nullity” is the technical term). No one has ever been refused for an inability to pay.

Fourth, you will not have to face your ex-husband during the annulment process. You will need to have several witnesses from the time you got married to him. They will, no doubt, back up what you are saying. If your ex-husband starts lying and being spiteful, that will become apparent through the process and will probably only help you. As a matter of course, though, your ex doesn’t need to respond at all for you to get an annulment. The Tribunal will make an effort to contact him via mail and obtain his side of the story. But if he doesn’t respond by the specified time, they will proceed with what info they have from you and your witnesses.

Fifth, your husband will also need to get an annulment if he was previously married. He does not need to become Catholic, though. Just let him know how important it is to you to do things the right way.

Sixth, if you are taking birth control for medical reasons (and not to avoid pregnancy), then this can be morally licit. Talk to your priest about it. Getting a vasectomy with the intent to avoid having children is a sin. You would simply need to confess your part in it in the Sacrament of Reconciliation before you could receive the Eucharist. You do not have to get it “undone”.

Again, God bless you on your journey. CAF is a great place to come to with questions. So ask away! I will pray for you. Pray for me, too!

 

[lizaanne]

I can’t recommend this book strongly enough: The Wedding that Was

You need to have a better understanding of what constitutes a valid marriage, how the annulment process works, and how it impacts your situation. This book is in a VERY easy to understand Q&A format, not full of a lot of legal or theological jargon. It has been invaluable to many on this forum who have had to navigate the Tribunal process.

The biggest thing you need to understand is that going through this process will not annul ANYTHING. The Tribunal will look at your previous marriages and determine if they were and are valid (see the book for what “valid” means). If the marriages are deemed to be valid then you are not free to be in a marriage with you current husband. The Tribunal never can and never will un-do anything - they only look at the facts of the case and determine the validity of the marriage at the time it occurred.

I hope this is helpful - you do have a complicated situation that needs to be addressed by your priest to help you through this.

~Liza

 

[Soutane]

Contact your Bishop.His office will guide you through the process.Fees can be waived.The Church has a pastoral responsibilty to you as they were commanded by Christ to feed His sheep andto protect his lambs .Everything will be fine.You are in the hands of God and His Body on earth-the Church.Welcome home sister.

 

[puzzleannie]

A few years ago I did want to rejoin the church and still do, but I’d need an annulment and my husband would have to have his first marriage annulled too, which would be too expensive for us to manage. ue?

have you actually talked to a priest about this and simply asked about the cost? It is generally much less than people imagine and almost always dioceses bear all or part of the cost in case of need. Also if you were already Catholic it is quite likely your first marriage was invalid due to lack of form, a much simpler paperwork process to resolve. You won’t know until you ask, but most people are surprised that what they imagine to be insurmountable obstacles turn out to be rather basic administrative procedures.

You can do this. Welcome Home. You need the grace of Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit to handle the challenges God has blessed you with. Persevere so you may be in communion with Him and in his grace.

 

[losh14]

My parents raised me as a Catholic until I was 11 years old. … protestantism … ‘holiness church’. … Wicca.

You are not the only searcher I know who has sought God and wandered. It must have been quite a journey with many difficulties.

A few years ago I did want to rejoin the church and still do, but I’d need an annulment and my husband would have to have his first marriage annulled too, which would be too expensive for us to manage.

Thank you for sharing your life with us. You must be a very strong person to have been able to deal with what you have gone through - wandering, abuse, and two lovely children with unique challenges that you have sacrificed so much for. The Lord has not forsaken you and has walked with you through all of this.

Think about taking baby steps here. You are more than welcome within our doors and within our pews and this is the very place you should be.

My husband advised me to go to services anyway and avoid all of the complicated aspects of RCIA and annulment, but if I am separated from the sacraments, am I not still separated from God, and unable to be reconciled?

Remember that the Lord sees our hearts. You have been separated for a while but the first step should be coming to Mass, even if you abstain from the Eucharist for now. You will still be worshipping the Lord and honoring Him, and opening your life to Grace through the Church. The Lord will know that you are serious about seeking Him.

You should work towards Confession and for as much as is on your heart - the challenges you have faced as well as your personal sins - it would be good to be able to spend time with a priest and a lay minister as well who can help you walk this path. Just going to the Confessional on a Saturday afternoon probably wouldn’t help you as much as you could use. Annulments are not simple matters to begin with, and I think most priests realize that they take time and energy, and they should not be a reason to ostracize someone from the Church. The Church is a hospital for sinners - myself among the worst of them - and its mission to heal the sick, not kill the wounded.

That said, if you do absolutely need to have an annulment, you do have time to seek the resources you need. If I were a canon lawyer I’d consider abuse to be a form of abandonment and certainly justified grounds for annulment. Seek those who are understanding and can help you.

Also, given that your first marriage was in a courthouse while neither of you practiced Catholicism, I can’t imagine annulment would be difficult or that anything he says could make it more difficult, no matter his pathology. Right there you have ‘defect of form’ and ‘disparity of cult’, to use the technical terms, and if you have any evidence of his abuse (police report, witnesses, anything) it should be straightforward.

I have been advised that annulment will still be necessary or I can not participate in the sacraments and I am desperately in need of the sacrament of reconciliation.

If a priest tells you he can’t even hear your Confession first, complain to the bishop and go to a different parish. Some priests are very hard in the heart - find one that understands that Christ came to heal. Even if he grants you a conditional absolution, you are still in the process of reconciling, and still opening yourself again to Grace.

My husband has never been part of any religion and doesn’t wish to join the church, so this is yet another obstacle.

That should not prevent you from being in the Church, and you may have an effect on him. Likewise, that should not prevent your children from entering the Church, though handle this gently with him.

Does God still hear prayers and care about us if we try to do what’s right, even if we can’t be part of a faith community or be annulled or confirmed?

God’s with you at this very moment. He has heard every prayer and shared every sorrow. And you can be part of this faith community - you already are. There is nothing in Heaven or on Earth that should keep you outside the doors of His Church.

Also, I am taking birth control to treat an illness that would otherwise require a hysterectomy, and my husband had a vasectomy in 2001 because it is dangerous for me to have any more children. Are either of these things an issue?

There are many opinions on this, but my understanding is that if the intent of a therapy (drug, surgery or otherwise) is to be healing or life-saving and has as a side effect the loss of fertility, that therapy is not considered an offense to dignity. In other words, if you need to take birth control to avoid a serious physical malady, then do so. We don’t require fertility to enter RCIA.

 

[Joe_5859]

Also if you were already Catholic it is quite likely your first marriage was invalid due to lack of form, a much simpler paperwork process to resolve.

Great point. The OP said she was raised Catholic, but then left at age 11. If this first marriage was not in a Catholic Church, then it more likely than not would be a much simpler process. Catholics are obligated to follow the form for Marriage as laid out in Canon Law. If the OP was baptized Catholic, then she would still be under this obligation (which she probably would not have followed through with as she presumably was not a practicing Catholic at the time of that wedding).

 

[LaceButterfly]

Welcome to CAF, LaceButterfly! God bless you for searching out the Catholic Church.

I just want to offer you a few points to clear up some things that will hopefully put you a bit more at ease.

First, I recommend and encourage you to approach your local parish priest about all of these issues. He can help you sort through it all in ways that we cannot. He will know what to do.

Second, there’s no reason you can’t start going to Mass. In your current situation, you will need to refrain from receiving the Eucharist until you get it all straightened out, but you should absolutely go every Sunday.

Third, do not worry about the cost of the annulment (“Declaration of nullity” is the technical term). No one has ever been refused for an inability to pay.

Fourth, you will not have to face your ex-husband during the annulment process. You will need to have several witnesses from the time you got married to him. They will, no doubt, back up what you are saying. If your ex-husband starts lying and being spiteful, that will become apparent through the process and will probably only help you. As a matter of course, though, your ex doesn’t need to respond at all for you to get an annulment. The Tribunal will make an effort to contact him via mail and obtain his side of the story. But if he doesn’t respond by the specified time, they will proceed with what info they have from you and your witnesses.

Fifth, your husband will also need to get an annulment if he was previously married. He does not need to become Catholic, though. Just let him know how important it is to you to do things the right way.

Sixth, if you are taking birth control for medical reasons (and not to avoid pregnancy), then this can be morally licit. Talk to your priest about it. Getting a vasectomy with the intent to avoid having children is a sin. You would simply need to confess your part in it in the Sacrament of Reconciliation before you could receive the Eucharist. You do not have to get it “undone”.

Again, God bless you on your journey. CAF is a great place to come to with questions. So ask away! I will pray for you. Pray for me, too!

Hi and thank you for the warm welcome!

When I first tried to go back a few years ago I did speak to a priest, who put me in touch with the Tribunal in Baltimore. That pretty much ended things because I knew I couldn’t participate in the sacraments if God and the church don’t recognise my marriage, and at $1200.00 for both my husband and I, it was way out of our reach financially (along with the other issues I mentioned, the process became really overwhelming to me). I was about to start RCIA classes but backed out not only because of the annulment issue, but because I felt that if the sacraments were not open to me, there would be no point of going through the process when I couldn’t be confirmed at the end of it.

I know nothing worth having comes easily, but I felt that I was facing a lot of expense, emotional pain and work, only to still be an outcast and separated from God.

Oops - mommyhood calls. More later!

And I will definitely have you in my prayers, Joe!

 

[Joe_5859]

Hi and thank you for the warm welcome!

When I first tried to go back a few years ago I did speak to a priest, who put me in touch with the Tribunal in Baltimore. That pretty much ended things because I knew I couldn’t participate in the sacraments if God and the church don’t recognise my marriage, and at $1200.00 for both my husband and I, it was way out of our reach financially (along with the other issues I mentioned, the process became really overwhelming to me). I was about to start RCIA classes but backed out not only because of the annulment issue, but because I felt that if the sacraments were not open to me, there would be no point of going through the process when I couldn’t be confirmed at the end of it.

I know nothing worth having comes easily, but I felt that I was facing a lot of expense, emotional pain and work, only to still be an outcast and separated from God.

Oops - mommyhood calls. More later!

And I will definitely have you in my prayers, Joe!

$1200? That is a bit pricy. I would definitely let them know of your financial situation so that they can accommodate you. If you explain to them your situation, I have a hard time believing they would turn you away.

Another point of interest, you can petition for an annulment in either the diocese you currently reside in or the diocese where the marriage-in-question took place. Larger dioceses (such as Baltimore) tend to charge more (because they usually have many more requests and thus more cost to them). So if you were married somewhere else, you might contact that diocese. If you were married in the Baltimore diocese, that doesn’t help you, though.

I wish I could tell you it would be an easy road for you. Most things worth doing do require a bit of sacrifice. It is those times where it really helps to meditate on the Cross. Christ made the ultimate sacrifice for us. The Cross always precedes the Resurrection. I know that I am always trying to skip the hard part to get to the good stuff. It never quite works out for me, though.

 

[LaceButterfly]

$1200? That is a bit pricy. I would definitely let them know of your financial situation so that they can accommodate you. If you explain to them your situation, I have a hard time believing they would turn you away.

Another point of interest, you can petition for an annulment in either the diocese you currently reside in or the diocese where the marriage-in-question took place. Larger dioceses (such as Baltimore) tend to charge more (because they usually have many more requests and thus more cost to them). So if you were married somewhere else, you might contact that diocese. If you were married in the Baltimore diocese, that doesn’t help you, though.

I wish I could tell you it would be an easy road for you. Most things worth doing do require a bit of sacrifice. It is those times where it really helps to meditate on the Cross. Christ made the ultimate sacrifice for us. The Cross always precedes the Resurrection. I know that I am always trying to skip the hard part to get to the good stuff. It never quite works out for me, though.

LOL - I’s like to skip the tough stuff too. Especially since I’ve already had kind of a tough way to go (admittedly, most of it was due to my own hard-headedness and completely my own fault).

The birth control issue is one that bothers me greatly. My last two pregnancies were extraordinarily difficult. I developed gestational diabetes, which never went away and is now adult type 2. When I was expecting our son I had a placental abruption and spent two weeks trying to prevent him from being born too early, and was in labor four times. He was born six weeks early and did well, coming home in just 12 days.

When I was expecting our daughter I had to go on bedrest for five months, have an amniocentesis and in the end, her birth was induced.

I was warned that it would be dangerous for me to have any more children because my body just isn’t up to that kind of challenge any more, so my husband had a vasectomy. It turned out to be a good thing he did, because with the financial and emotional challenges of raising two children with autism, I literally have nothing left for anyone else most days. My son is one of those rare talkative autistics; he’s like a wind-up toy that never winds down, and my daughter is mostly non-verbal and a bit farther along on the spectrum than her brother. She is a self-injurer. Frustration with her inability to communicate causes her to bite and scratch herself, and often others around her. She is going to have to go back into behavioral therapy and will probably be going to a school for autistic children, which may take her off of the path for graduation that both of my children are currently on. They are both in a mainstream school right now. They both have an IEP, both are being seen by psychiatrists at Kennedy-Krieger and both have been evaluated as needing a lot of services and help that we aren’t going to be able to get for awhile because the state has funding issues too and has to take care of those already in their system. My children are likely to be on the waiting list for services for years.

My husband and I both feel that to bring other children into the situation would be more than we can bear. Our daughter has more intense issues than our son; any child born after her is almost certain to be even more intensely affected. I’m about to turn 41 and my husband is 56. Making the conscious, purposeful choice to remove any possibility of a surprise pregnancy seemed the most humane thing to do, for our children and for us.

The birth control pills I take are to treat an illness that (at the risk of grossing out every guy on the board - lol) causes me to bleed heavily and continuously. I was so anemic a couple of years ago my doctor told me she was thinking about putting me into the hospital for a blood transfusion. She sent me to a gynecologist who diagnosed the problem as adenomyosis and prescribed the pills that have kept it under control (and me out of the hospital), and I am so grateful for that. I don’t trust many people to watch my children and I truly do not have the time to be hospitalized.

Under these circumstances, would it still be considered sinful that my husband had the vasectomy?

There are so many things that I have to consider before I make any effort to go back, not the least of which is that I will be missing mass at least once a week because I have to be on call in case the school needs me to be there for one or both of the children. I get frequent calls to bring cough meds, tylenol, etc. and to help calm my daughter down. Autistics have immune issues and my children have a lot of colds, ear/sinus infections, allergies…it goes on. It’s my understanding that it’s a sin to miss mass once a catholic is confirmed. I don’t see how I could avoid it, though.

Also, as parents we are obligated to raise our children in the catholic faith and anyone who knows my children would know that this is impossible. They simply can not grasp the concept, which is why I hadn’t intended to raise them in any religion at all.

I wonder if catholics can still be catholics if they have to worship at home? I feel the call, but right now don’t think I’m in a position to answer it.

I know that’s a lot of stuff to read through. My apologies for the long-windedness - I’ll try to keep my next posts shorter.

 

[TexCatholic4JMJ]

Time is short right now, but I would like to address two issues you brought up.
One is that you might be missing Mass at least once a week. First, daily Mass is
not obligatory, only Sunday (which can be celebrated at the anticipated Mass on
Saturday). And, if for good reason (which you do seem to have, with your children’s
needs) you would not be committing a mortal sin if you could not go.
Second, please reconsider raising you children Catholic. Many graces flow to them
with the reception of the Sacraments, as many as they are able to receive. Don’t
keep those graces from them.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[Joe_5859]

Thank you for sharing a bit more of your story. You certainly have your cross to bear. No one understands that better than our Lord. :hug1:

I sympathize with your difficulties over the birth control issue. Many Catholics struggle with that, particularly in difficult circumstances like yours. With what you have described, it seems to me that it is permissible for you to be on the birth control pill as the intent is to treat a serious medical condition.

As for the vasectomy, that would still be considered sinful (Sorry! ). Part of our moral teaching is that the ends never justifies the means. So if something is an intrinsic evil, circumstances don’t change that.

However, I would also point out that there are three conditions for a sin to be mortal (rather than simply venial): (1) the sin concerns grave matter; (2) you have full knowledge of the sinful character of the act; and (3) you consent freely to the act. When we speak in general terms, we can only really speak to whether or not a given act consists of grave matter. Full knowledge and complete consent are something to sort through with a priest in Confession.

What does this mean? Basically, having a vasectomy for the purpose of avoiding future children is a sin of grave matter. It always is. However, the extent to which one is culpable (or responsible) can vary depending upon a person’s knowledge and freedom to consent. I won’t pretend to be capable of determining your level of responsibility in the matter. You could argue that, due to your circumstances, you felt pressured to make this choice thereby reducing your level of consent. You might also have been largely unaware that this choice was wrong (which seems probable since you are here asking about it). These sorts of things would make the sin a venial one for you. But, again, I can’t say for sure. It’s something to sort out with a priest.

In any event, we all fall short and we all sin. We simply confess it and move on, trusting in God’s mercy. There’s no shame in that.

There are moral means to postpone pregnancy, such as Natural Family Planning (NFP). Since your husband has already had a vasectomy, on a practical level, you don’t really need to know more about NFP. But, I just wanted you to be aware that the Church has a moral option to postponing pregnancy in difficult situations.

TexCatholic pointed out some important things as well. Catholics are obligated to attend Mass on Sunday and Holy Days of Obligation. This goes for all baptized Catholics (not just those who have received Confirmation) who have reached the age of reason (7 years old and older). However, there can be just reasons for missing Mass, such as being ill, tending to children who are ill or otherwise in need of care, your job, etc.

I would also encourage you to at least give some more thought to raising your kids Catholic. The Catholic faith can seem complicated, but the fundamentals are really very simple. In many ways, the Church is behind the curve in terms of adequately responding to those with special needs, but they are taking important steps in the right direction. Paragraph 49 of the National Directory for Catechesis is all about teaching people with disabilities and says, “Persons with disabilities, especially children, are particularly beloved of the Lord and are integral members of the Christian community.” Many dioceses have programs or even departments specifically geared towards people with disabilities. There is also the NCPD (National Catholic Partnership on Disability) which has many resources in this regard. Specifically, here are their resources on autism: ncpd.org/ministries-programs/specific/autism. They have a link to the Archdiocese of Newark’s Mass Book which breaks down the Mass into very basic pictures and statements. In any case, I think it’s worth investigating.

 

[BernadetteM]

I am not positive about this, but if you were baptized Catholic and made your First Communion, then I would assume that the Church would consider you still a Catholic.

I was told that if a Catholic marries outside of the Catholic Church, which you said you were married in a courthouse, that the marriage would not be considered valid by the Church. The person told me that there is a “Form of Defect” for Catholics who marry outside of the Church and that an annulment is not required.

Please find an understanding priest and speak to him about your situation.

My prayers are with you.

Yours in the Hearts of Jesus and Mary

Bernadette

 

[LaceButterfly]

I can’t recommend this book strongly enough: The Wedding that Was

You need to have a better understanding of what constitutes a valid marriage, how the annulment process works, and how it impacts your situation. This book is in a VERY easy to understand Q&A format, not full of a lot of legal or theological jargon. It has been invaluable to many on this forum who have had to navigate the Tribunal process.

The biggest thing you need to understand is that going through this process will not annul ANYTHING. The Tribunal will look at your previous marriages and determine if they were and are valid (see the book for what “valid” means). If the marriages are deemed to be valid then you are not free to be in a marriage with you current husband. The Tribunal never can and never will un-do anything - they only look at the facts of the case and determine the validity of the marriage at the time it occurred.

I hope this is helpful - you do have a complicated situation that needs to be addressed by your priest to help you through this.

~Liza

Thank you for letting me know - I was under the impression that an annulment made a bad marriage ‘like it never even happened’. I will definitely pick up a copy of the book you recommended, as you said, this is a very complicated situation and anything that could provide more information is always a blessing.

 

[LaceButterfly]

Contact your Bishop.His office will guide you through the process.Fees can be waived.The Church has a pastoral responsibilty to you as they were commanded by Christ to feed His sheep andto protect his lambs .Everything will be fine.You are in the hands of God and His Body on earth-the Church.Welcome home sister.

I will get in touch with him as soon as I can (thank you!). It’s comforting to know that there’s something we can do to make the fees easier to manage. I’ll have to see if the Bishop will be willing to discuss things with me via phone first - I don’t get out much.

 

[LaceButterfly]

Hello again everyone!

I’m working on posting a personal response to each of you - thank you so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut and the warm welcomes!! It’s great to know that even though my situation is so complex, and my sins many, that people actually care enough to help me and answer my questions. Bless you!

 

[Fidelis_Unus]

LaceButterfly,

You do have what seems like a great deal to cope with in your journey to a fullness of the faith. Each item on its own is not so hard as it seems. Were you married in the Church? in a Church" or by a justice of the peace? Not all marriages require annulments. My husband (Methodist, married in an Episcopalian Church did not even need one. His marriage was invalid. My first marriage was by a JofP. As a Catholic, married by a JofP, there is no annullment, simply lack of form.

So you see, it can often be quite simple.

That being said, I have worked with the REmembering Church program and the couples that did have to go through the annullment process struggled terribly with it at the time and those who did said afterward that it was a very emotional and healing journey and important to their faith. Very angry at first, profoundly grateful in the end.

As another poster said, no one is turned away for lack of funds and you do not have to face your ex at any point in the process. One of the hard parts is locating witnesses, but I’m always amazed at how it all works out.

My husband is not Catholic. There can be some challenges, but I would not call it a roadblock to anything. You have a relationship with God. It sounds as though he is supportive of you doing what you need to do. What a blessing!

Please try to keep in mind, if God is calling you back to the Church, then He who is all-powerful can make all things possible. Trust in Him.

I, too, had to take BC for medical reasons and there are normally guidelines to follow (not having sex during fertile times), but in your case this is a moot point because of the vasectomy.

Truly there points may seem huge to you, but they not so great on their own. I do wonder where you got the advice from regarding annullment, etc. It is usually not as complicated as we think, due to previous marriages being invalid.

Your prayers will not go unheard and we are blessed to have you in back the fold

 

[Atemi]

My husband advised me to go to services anyway and avoid all of the complicated aspects of RCIA and annulment, but if I am separated from the sacraments, am I not still separated from God, and unable to be reconciled?

My heart breaks as I read your post, Lace.

The Scriptures tell us how to be reconciled to God:

Repent of your sins and believe the Good News of Jesus Christ.

If you do that, you will be reconciled to God. Nothing else need apply.

Please begin studying the Scriptures for what God asks of us as His people.

…

 

[Fidelis_Unus]

When I first tried to go back a few years ago I did speak to a priest, who put me in touch with the Tribunal in Baltimore. That pretty much ended things because I knew I couldn’t participate in the sacraments if God and the church don’t recognise my marriage …, and at $1200.00 for both my husband and I, it was way out of our reach financially (along with the other issues I mentioned, the process became really overwhelming to me). I was about to start RCIA classes but backed out not only because of the annulment issue, but because I felt that if the sacraments were not open to me, there would be no point of going through the process when I couldn’t be confirmed at the end of it.

I know nothing worth having comes easily, but I felt that I was facing a lot of expense, emotional pain and work, only to still be an outcast and separated from God.

I’m not clear from your comments. Did the Tribunal tell you unequivocally that you had to have annulments? Perhaps it would help to know a few more details. I would caution you that what you read here, while helpful and supportive (one hopes!) is not definitive; the Tribunal is. This is where finding a priest or lay person in the Church who handles these things is the best approach, preferably someone you are comfortable with. Often they know the correct verbiage and steps to take to make sure that your situation is clear to the Tribunal.

I can only speak to our situation and experience, which may help understand the complexity (and surprises) one finds in the process:

I was baptized Catholic, fell away from the Church and was married by a justice of the peace. Because I was Catholic, the marriage was invalid due to lack of form. I had let the previous marriage be a roadblock to me fully participating in the faith, because of answers to simple questions, without getting into the actual details of my situation. I later learned that it had been unnecessary.

My husband was married previously in an Episcopalian service to a woman who had been married once before in another protestant faith (if I recall correctly). Because she was married previously in a Christian church to someone who was also baptized, her marriage to my husband was invalid because an annulment was not received for the first marriage thus making my husband’s first marriage invalid and leaving him free to marry me.

We each had to file a lack of form. Super easy.

That said, if you have a more complicated situation I will share this from what I have seen happen … people that I know who go through the emotional process of clearing up their previous relationships have all said that it helped them to put the past to rest. I’m sure it is not that way with everyone, but the few I worked with found this to be true. In addition, while I may have been relieved initially that we did not have to go through this, I’ve discovered that those who DO have to invest emotion and time in resolving this are more closely bonded to eachother and to God when they are done and believe, in retrospect, we missed out.

As for RCIA not being worthwhile. God is always with you. While you may not be fully participating in the Church you are not separated from God. The Graces from the Sacraments give us abilities to be better able to live our faith and avoid sin. In the parishes I’ve attended, the RCIA process builds a fellowship, a sense of community. It increases an understanding of how Grace works, what the Church teaches, perhaps why. Any search for Truth blesses us. Perhaps thinking in terms of taking baby steps, trusting that God will be there each time your foot lands might help?

Incidentally, my husband went through RCIA without the intention of becoming Catholic, but with a desire to understand my faith, because it is such a large part of who I am. If you are still feeling called, you might consider the RCIA process to learn and discern, then trust in God’s will. If He is calling you Home, then He will make it possible for you to come. In Him all things are possible.

With all you have to deal with I can sure understand how overwhelming it all can be. You are in my prayers for discernment, for peace and for Graces for the hard work that you do every day with your children. I also give thanks for God’s calling you and your willingness to respond. You are so loved!

May your soul find rest in Him.

 

[Drawmack]

Lace,

You have shared so much of your story with us; allow me to share some of my story with you.

Disclaimer: I am not Catholic; however I believe that Catholics are Christians and contrary to what some have said to me I am not anti-Catholic. This post is offered to, hopefully, help you walk the road home and not take you anywhere but where you feel God is calling you.

Our stories have much in common.

My father, and first step-father, were both abusive. I will say, from personal experience, that nothing has been a bigger impediment to my faith than having been a victim of abuse. It is so much easier to sit in the dark and wonder why me than it is to walk from that darkness into the light and allow God to show you why. I spent many years wallowing in the aftermath of my own abuse. I allowed it to take me down the road of drugs and alcohol because it made the pain go away for a little while. I know that often the pain begins when the abuse ends. For many years it seemed impossible to look through the darkness and see anything else.

My mother has always been a church hopper. I have been known to say that I thought all the male role-models in my life were supposed to dunk my head underwater until I was 12. I have been to so many different churches that by the time I was 14 I wanted nothing to do with religion of any kind. In my early 20’s I wandered about in paganism (as you did) and found them all to be flat. I just, simply, decided that I wanted nothing to do with any type of God because any all powerful being who let me go through my childhood I didn’t want anything to do with anyway. So, I became an atheist for many years.

When I was in college I met a woman who had been a teen mother and was raising a three year old. We got involved and when that little girl was 5 she looked at me one day and said “Can I call you daddy?” I said “Yes”. As far as I’m concerned in that moment I became her father and I have been ever since. Well, she is a special needs kid – and that just makes me love her more. Some of her unique challenges are an autistic spectrum disorder she also has other challenges as well. (I can’t even imagine raising two special needs kids but I can tell you that you and your husband must be very beautiful and special people for God to entrust you with such an awesome and amazing responsibility.) Sure there are days where I can’t see the forest for the trees and just wish she were more like a “normal” 13 year old. But, I’ll tell you that raising this beautiful little girl is part of the reason God put me on this earth. It takes a very special person to raise special needs kids and God would only ever entrust them to the best he has.

She has been such a blessing in my life as I’m sure that your kids are as well. She is a big part of the reason I’m a Christian today. One day, about 4 years ago, she looked me in the eyes (something that as you know is incredibly unusual for anyone with an autism spectrum disorder) and said, “Daddy, is God real.” I was honest with her and told her that I didn’t know but I’d find out. This began my spiritual journey home to God.

The first thing I had to learn was to trust in God; there is a reason, there is a beautiful part of His plan which is the reason you suffered through these things. Jesus is just standing there with his arms out waiting for you to let him show you how you can use this to His glory and honor. He will show you; as he’s shown me.

Today, I do volunteer work with abused teens. Many of these teens cannot trust an adult who has not been through situations similar to theirs so I can reach them when others cannot.

Today, I work within my church to help with the special needs kids in Sunday school. A position that my daughter has uniquely qualified me for. Want to hear something really cool – she helps with them too!

Today, I counsel teens and young adults in my church that are struggling with alcohol and drug abuse. Another position I am uniquely qualified for because of my past.

I do want to tell you that, as you are aware, autistic children love order and schedules. They would probably love the Mass once they got to know how it worked because it is incredibly orderly and scheduled. Far from being an impediment to attendance it would become part of their Sunday schedule. I would recommend that if you take them to Mass you walk up in the communion line and get a blessing from the priest (this is allowed as any Catholic will tell you) from the first time you take them so that when you are allowed to take communion it will not be a change of form for your kids.

God truly does work everything out to His Glory.

I believe that you have received wonderful advice on this thread. However, I believe that the very first thing you need to learn to do is trust God – that’s not going to be easy for you. But, it is absolutely essential. I recommend praying, but pray for God to give you the strength to truth Him and I’ll be praying for that as well.

I would recommend calling the Bishop’s office, explain to them everything you need to discuss (it might be best to make an appointment to come in for an hour long meeting) and then asking them to recommend a priest or lay minister for you to talk to. I think this would be a great first step in trusting God.

God Bless and My Prayers
Drawmack