What to do?

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sawyer777

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Ok this is a very difficult situation that i’ve been in for six years now. My father-in-law who lives with me and my wife plus children was accused of sexual assault on a minor about ten years ago which I only found out six years ago. I’ve known him for about ten years and I would never think he could be capable of this. The child that accused him of this was well known for being a trouble maker and having homosexual relations with children his age. In resent times I was told that he drugged a friend of mine and raped her. Well any way this case of sexual assault on him from my father-in-law (not at the time) was dragged out for a year. My father-in-law denied it. While the child who was not really a child I believe at the time he was about fifteen always seemed nervous like he was not telling the true, and made many false assumptions. Like the exact time that this happened he spoke of a digital clock that he sore in the room. Their was never a digital clock in the house only a clock on the wall. The case was ended in my father-in-law pleading to a lesser charge of simple assault and having to stay away from the child and his family. The story that I was told from my father-in-law is this; the child slept over the house one night because he was good friends with my father-in-laws son. They slept on a futon together, it was assumed that the two boys might have been fooling around. My father-in-laws son was known to be homosexual. When my father-in-law entered the room it was about 4 or 5 in the morning and he was getting ready to go to work. The two boys were sleeping and he needed to get his paint tools that was in a bag under the futon the child was hanging off the couch like he was going to fall. It was dark in the room and he went to push him over, in order to get to his tools. While he pushed him over his hand at one point was grazing his butt he admitted this but it was not attentional. His intent was just to fix him and get his tools but he did notice that his pants were undone this is what lead him to believe that something was going on with them and maybe he just got scared. This whole time he pretended to be asleep but later admitted he wasn’t. One other note is that it is well known that my father-in-law was also homosexual. He has never had a charge like this before and swears it wasn’t like that.

Well that’s the story now what should I do?

Well for one thing I do believe him that he did not intend to touch him in a sexual way so he’s not a bad guy in that aspect but it did happen. My children who are 12 and 6 love him to death and have never shown any sign of abuse and i’ve asked them. I’ve also made it a point to tell both of them what happen to their grandfather and told them to tell me if anything like this happens. His daughter my wife has full trust in him and tho it took awhile I do to. DCYF has been in my life before only because of this and a angry family member (my mother) who does not like him at all. Because of her I have almost lost my kids. DCYF and the police came into my house arrested him and took him out in cuffs. My children were in shambles especially the little one who was in tears because he thought he never see him again. They would not even let me get up or they would arrest me too. All I wanted was to check on my little one who was at one point wandering around my father-in-laws room, the DCYF worker told me to be quiet and that he was fine. The door to my father-in-laws room was usually shut because he was a smoker. When they left I went to check on him and he had gotten ahold of an ashtray and put all the ashes and butts in his mouth. So he was not ok after all !
The only other thing that is left to say is that my father-in-law has been homeless for a long time and no one in his family care. He has been in and out of work and has spent many night out in the cold. He’s only getting older and I feel that if I let him continue to suffer out in the cold it will partly be my fault if he dies. I always ask myself what would Jesus do? If I let him in theres always a chance I could lose my kids but if I don’t he could die.
Also for some reason this charge show up on his police record as a simple assaut but does show up in the DCYF records as a sexual assault?

This makes me a bad guy in the eyes of my children because they love him so much if I am to kick him out. It would destroy my whole family. My wife protects him so much, we have fought countless times just on this situation.

So I ask you my friends what do I do?
Thank you for taking the time to read this
GOD bless you all !
 
This is a complex case. Can you hash this out with a counselor who has the time to put into it to hear this out completely, with all the details, to help give you the resources, and objectivity, you need to clarify what needs to be done, and how?

It can also be nice to talk to someone neutral, uninvolved, who, like a priest, is bound not to speak about this to others.

Also, it can be nice to get some support, not have the world on your shoulders, as it were, feeling you have to resolve this all by yourself, without counsel.

What a counselor can help do is listen, and sometimes simply through the process of putting all the cards on the table, the answer becomes a little more clear.

Besides counseling, when I am confronted with an extremely difficult decision, I write it out on a piece of paper.

I write one column on the left “Pro’s” for whatever…and on the right, “Con’s”

Often, just by doing this exercise, which way I am leaning, or what actions I need to take, can become more apparent.

Ultimately, with whatever you end up deciding, good luck, and God speed!
 
  • …considering what is the best interest for your children’s safety. You are obliged to their safety before your father-n-law’s needs.
 
sawyer777 said:
Ok this is a very difficult situation that i’ve been in for six years now. My father-in-law who lives with me and my wife plus children was accused of sexual assault on a minor about ten years ago which I only found out six years ago. I’ve known him for about ten years and I would never think he could be capable of this. The child that accused him of this was well known for being a trouble maker and having homosexual relations with children his age. In resent times I was told that he drugged a friend of mine and raped her. Well any way this case of sexual assault on him from my father-in-law (not at the time) was dragged out for a year. My father-in-law denied it. While the child who was not really a child I believe at the time he was about fifteen always seemed nervous like he was not telling the true, and made many false assumptions. Like the exact time that this happened he spoke of a digital clock that he sore in the room. Their was never a digital clock in the house only a clock on the wall. The case was ended in my father-in-law pleading to a lesser charge of simple assault and having to stay away from the child and his family. The story that I was told from my father-in-law is this; the child slept over the house one night because he was good friends with my father-in-laws son. They slept on a futon together, it was assumed that the two boys might have been fooling around. My father-in-laws son was known to be homosexual. When my father-in-law entered the room it was about 4 or 5 in the morning and he was getting ready to go to work. The two boys were sleeping and he needed to get his paint tools that was in a bag under the futon the child was hanging off the couch like he was going to fall. It was dark in the room and he went to push him over, in order to get to his tools. While he pushed him over his hand at one point was grazing his butt he admitted this but it was not attentional. His intent was just to fix him and get his tools but he did notice that his pants were undone this is what lead him to believe that something was going on with them and maybe he just got scared. This whole time he pretended to be asleep but later admitted he wasn’t. One other note is that it is well known that my father-in-law was also homosexual. He has never had a charge like this before and swears it wasn’t like that.

Well that’s the story now what should I do?

Well for one thing I do believe him that he did not intend to touch him in a sexual way so he’s not a bad guy in that aspect but it did happen. My children who are 12 and 6 love him to death and have never shown any sign of abuse and i’ve asked them. I’ve also made it a point to tell both of them what happen to their grandfather and told them to tell me if anything like this happens. His daughter my wife has full trust in him and tho it took awhile I do to. DCYF has been in my life before only because of this and a angry family member (my mother) who does not like him at all. Because of her I have almost lost my kids. DCYF and the police came into my house arrested him and took him out in cuffs. My children were in shambles especially the little one who was in tears because he thought he never see him again. They would not even let me get up or they would arrest me too. All I wanted was to check on my little one who was at one point wandering around my father-in-laws room, the DCYF worker told me to be quiet and that he was fine.** The door to my father-in-laws room was usually shut because he was a smoker. When they left I went to check on him and he had gotten ahold of an ashtray and put all the ashes and butts in his mouth. So he was not ok after all ! **
The only other thing that is left to say is that my father-in-law has been homeless for a long time and no one in his family care. He has been in and out of work and has spent many night out in the cold. He’s only getting older and I feel that if I let him continue to suffer out in the cold it will partly be my fault if he dies. I always ask myself what would Jesus do? If I let him in theres always a chance I could lose my kids but if I don’t he could die.
Also for some reason this charge show up on his police record as a simple assaut but does show up in the DCYF records as a sexual assault?

This makes me a bad guy in the eyes of my children because they love him so much if I am to kick him out. It would destroy my whole family. My wife protects him so much, we have fought countless times just on this situation.

So I ask you my friends what do I do?
Thank you for taking the time to read this
GOD bless you all !
Click to expand...
Your father-in-law put ashes and cigarette butts in his mouth?

Does he have a mental illness? If that’s the case, he also needs to be tended to by a professional.
 
ClearWater said:
He put ashes and cigarette butts in his mouth?

Does he have a mental illness? If that’s the case, he also needs to be tended to by a professional.
Click to expand...
Not the FIL, the little child that wandered into the room while FIL was being arrested. 😉
 
Often one’s health insurance can help pay for at least a few visits.
 
My children who are 12 and 6 love him to death and have never shown any sign of abuse and i’ve asked them. I’ve also made it a point to tell both of them what happen to their grandfather and told them to tell me if anything like this happens.
Click to expand...
Please don’t talk to your children about something like this. It’s going to be SO confusing when they grow up hearing talk about “pedophiles”, and they will quickly associate that very intense and damaging term with grandpa. The children need to be told clearly what abuse is, and how to respond to abuse. That is all – especially for a six year old!

As for your situation as a whole, a lot hinges on details you didn’t mention. Was the assault a case of brief fondling of the buttocks? Did the boy allege that he did anything more? If not, then I think you have an unreliable witness making the claim of a crime that is disturbing, but not heinous. (Historically, teenage *girls *have often had to deal with creepy old men grabbing their butts – this is seriously wrong, but not the type of thing that destroys a person’s innocence.)

If the allegation is more serious, that changes the evaluation – although it would be tragic to unjustifiably abandon a falsely accused man. What does this boy say your father-in-law did? Why do the cops seem to believe him?
 
The children’s safety comes first above and beyond all. If there is even a question as to whether or not his presence may create an issue then he must leave. If there is no doubt that he is absolutely trusting with the kids then I don’t think this post would even be here. So there you go.
 
Let me just correct one thing the question isn’t if he’s a threat. I know he’s not. The question is regarding the fact that I’m going against the law.

MAKE HIM LEAVE BECAUSE THE LAW TELLS ME TO

OR

LET HIM STAY BECAUSE MY FAMILY WANTS HIM TO

also please if your going to answer this, please read it carefully.

Thank you and GOD bless!
 
sawyer777 said:
Let me just correct one thing the question isn’t if he’s a threat. I know he’s not. The question is regarding the fact that I’m going against the law.

MAKE HIM LEAVE BECAUSE THE LAW TELLS ME TO

OR

LET HIM STAY BECAUSE MY FAMILY WANTS HIM TO

also please if your going to answer this, please read it carefully.

Thank you and GOD bless!
Click to expand...
If you know he’s not a threat, I guess I’m not sure why the law would matter here. If the law tells you to do something immoral, break the law. Simple as that.

There is no open-ended moral duty to obey the law. Just laws ought to be obeyed, however.
 
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