What to say (or not) to a Single Person

[XenaFan]

I noticed an uptick in the number of single oriented threads here and though this blog post gave some great insight to those helping singles in the Church.

thehiddenfaithful.wordpress.com/2016/01/05/what-to-say-or-not-to-a-single-person/

 

[BlueEyedLady]

That list read a lot like “Just tell me exactly what I want to hear”.

Here’s a harsh truth: a lot of people are single because they don’t have their lives together, they lack social skills and don’t approach or approach well, they don’t dress or present themselves attractively, their standards are out of touch with reality, etc.

I would never volunteer this to anyone, but if a single person asked my opinion and any of the above applied, it may be helpful for them to know.

 

[Sarcelle]

That list read a lot like “Just tell me exactly what I want to hear”.

Here’s a harsh truth: a lot of people are single because they don’t have their lives together, they lack social skills and don’t approach or approach well, they don’t dress or present themselves attractively, their standards are out of touch with reality, etc.

I would never volunteer this to anyone, but if a single person asked my opinion and any of the above applied, it may be helpful for them to know.

If a good friend asks you for your honest opinion yes you could give it to them. Maybe even help them improve their chances. That’s good.

It’s quite another thing to approach a stranger and upon learning that they are single remark, well there must be something wrong with you. All this judgement without even knowing their name. Yes this has happened.

 

[Xantippe]

If a good friend asks you for your honest opinion yes you could give it to them. Maybe even help them improve their chances. That’s good.

It’s quite another thing to approach a stranger and upon learning that they are single remark, well there must be something wrong with you. All this judgement without even knowing their name. Yes this has happened.

Yes. It all depends if advice has been asked for.

I’ll run through the “don’t” list.

#1 Some people really are a little un-self-aware of how old they are. You know those people who go around talking about how young-looking and young-acting they are? I’ve never seen one in real life who didn’t look exactly their age.

#3 and #4 A lot of women do actually need some help with makeup. (I totally do–one of these days.)

#5 A lot of people need help with their clothes (True story–when I was in college, I’m afraid I owned a couple outfits that made me look like an escapee from a polygamous cult.)

#6 A lot of women don’t own good bras–wearing the wrong size or not having good enough support is an epidemic.

Here’s a link the guys should probably skip:

buzzfeed.com/deepalakshmin/8-signs-youre-wearing-the-wrong-bra-size-dmdm#.ohmpzmWMRl

#7 Some people are too INTENSE and make others uncomfortable.

#8 Some people have no friends and no social life and are surprised to find themselves single.

 

[Sarcelle]

Yes. It all depends if advice has been asked for.

I’ll run through the “don’t” list.

#1 Some people really are a little un-self-aware of how old they are. You know those people who go around talking about how young-looking and young-acting they are? I’ve never seen one in real life who didn’t look exactly their age.

#3 and #4 A lot of women do actually need some help with makeup. (I totally do–one of these days.)

#5 A lot of people need help with their clothes (True story–when I was in college, I’m afraid I owned a couple outfits that made me look like an escapee from a polygamous cult.)

#6 A lot of women don’t own good bras–wearing the wrong size or not having good enough support is an epidemic.

Here’s a link the guys should probably skip:

buzzfeed.com/deepalakshmin/8-signs-youre-wearing-the-wrong-bra-size-dmdm#.ohmpzmWMRl

#7 Some people are too INTENSE and make others uncomfortable.

#8 Some people have no friends and no social life and are surprised to find themselves single.

As I said before, I always like reading your posts.

Personally, I like being single. When people try to give a reason as to why I am still single, I often get accused of being gay since I work in a male dominated industry and I have never expressed any romantic interests towards men.

 

[EasterJoy]

That list read a lot like “Just tell me exactly what I want to hear”.

Here’s a harsh truth: a lot of people are single because they don’t have their lives together, they lack social skills and don’t approach or approach well, they don’t dress or present themselves attractively, their standards are out of touch with reality, etc.

I would never volunteer this to anyone, but if a single person asked my opinion and any of the above applied, it may be helpful for them to know.

If anything ever fit the description of "no ‘good’ deed goes unpunished,’ it is the “help” of telling a friend the things that are wrong with them and implying that these things are why they aren’t married. I would encourage you not to volunteer this kind of frank assessment under any circumstances, not if they try to pull it out of you with a pliers. Just don’t.

Name me any fault and I can find someone who has it and is married. Sometimes the people with the faults I would think most disqualify them as a marriage prospect have inexplicably figured out how to get married several times! Go figure! Let us admit it, then: we usually have no idea why any particular person who clearly wants to get married isn’t married.

You may as well bluntly warn a friend not to marry someone they are bound and determined to marry no matter what anyone says. The most you can do is to say, “from the outside, such-and-so concerns me…but you are the one on the inside, it is your decision.”

The most I would do is to suggest some other activities that might give them a chance to meet more people of the opposite sex, activities that they’ll enjoy no matter how things pan out. Maybe they don’t find a spouse, but they’ll make some friends and that is a good use of one’s life. If they want a map to find a mate without buying one, I don’t have one and I think that anyone who says they do is selling a bill of goods.

 

[Xantippe]

As I said before, I always like reading your posts.

Thanks!

Some of the what-not-to-say stuff can be constructive, under the right circumstances, especially when it’s accompanied by hands-on help.

For instance, my sweet sister gave me some of her clothes, some shopping assistance, and some rather extensive help with hot rollers and makeup and within just a few months, I had met my future husband.

I guess she should have just patted me on the back and told me I was doing everything right…

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks!

Some of the what-not-to-say stuff can be constructive, under the right circumstances, especially when it’s accompanied by hands-on help.

For instance, my sweet sister gave me some of her clothes, some shopping assistance, and some rather extensive help with hot rollers and makeup and within just a few months, I had met my future husband.

I guess she should have just patted me on the back and told me I was doing everything right…

A make-over from what a person is doing with her self-care into what she wants to be doing can be a great gift. I would not sell it as a ticket to marriage, let alone imply that the failure to have the right bra is the reason some woman hasn’t attracted a husband yet. That tactic is notoriously underappreciated, let’s just say that. It is usually taken as a slight, and not one soon forgotten, either, particularly when it is coming from a married person. It too easily sounds like, “I have what you don’t because I have it together and you don’t, so if we can only make you more like me, your problems will be solved…”

 

[sticknstring73]

That list read a lot like “Just tell me exactly what I want to hear”.

Here’s a harsh truth: a lot of people are single because they don’t have their lives together, they lack social skills and don’t approach or approach well, they don’t dress or present themselves attractively, their standards are out of touch with reality, etc.

I would never volunteer this to anyone, but if a single person asked my opinion and any of the above applied, it may be helpful for them to know.

Additionally, there are those of us who are late comers to the church who are coming from a more secular experience where marriage is not honored as it is in the church. When you come from that angle there sometimes feel like there is a lot of making up to do with usually not a lot of time to do it in. For some of these singles marriage may not happen for many reasons, not just sone of the more oddball traits that you are listing. It would seem to me that what many singles would want is not to be ostracized for their singleness.

 

[Sarcelle]

I am old enough to realize that no matter who or what you are, there will be no shortage of people who will not hesitate to tell you that there is something wrong with you or you’re going about it all wrong. Everyone’s a critic.

You will have to take it for what’s it worth. Either what they say is true which in that case you can use it grow and mature or it is not true and simply not worry about it. Either way no use stewing about it.

 

[Sarcelle]

A make-over from what a person is doing with her self-care into what she wants to be doing can be a great gift. I would not sell it as a ticket to marriage, let alone imply that the failure to have the right bra is the reason some woman hasn’t attracted a husband yet. That tactic is notoriously underappreciated, let’s just say that. It is usually taken as a slight, and not one soon forgotten, either, particularly when it is coming from a married person. It too easily sounds like, “I have what you don’t because I have it together and you don’t, so if we can only make you more like me, your problems will be solved…”

I am sure some married people look down on singles. They are called smug marrieds. I have met my own share and interestingly they are usually mostly married men looking down on the single men.

One has to look at the Family sub forum to realize that no, married people do not necessarily have it together.

 

[Lady_Tanzanite]

I would add: don’t assume your single friends want to be in a relationship. Some of us are genuinely happy single.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

I know I am very happy single. I could be married if I wanted to be, but I don’t. My calling is to devote my entire life to God. Marriage would not allow that. Only one man will suffice for me - and that is Christ.

 

[JTD_Eagle1]

I know I am very happy single. I could be married if I wanted to be, but I don’t. My calling is to devote my entire life to God. Marriage would not allow that. Only one man will suffice for me - and that is Christ.

I am happy being single also. Sometimes I get lonely, but when I do, I just find ways to make myself busy, such as hobbies and church activities.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

I am happy being single also. Sometimes I get lonely, but when I do, I just find ways to make myself busy, such as hobbies and church activities.

I’ve always liked my time alone, so I almost never feel lonely. As a college professor, sometimes I wish for a little more “alone time.” LOL (I actually love my job.)

 

[mlz]

I know I am very happy single. I could be married if I wanted to be, but I don’t. My calling is to devote my entire life to God. Marriage would not allow that. Only one man will suffice for me - and that is Christ.

Praise be to God that you are comfortable as a single adult My daughter is also single and the only problem she has is the culture that feels you MUST be married. As her mother I honestly see her able to do more as a single person than married. It is a vocation being single which is what I love about the Catholic faith. Such a shame to incinuate that being single is “less” of a vocation than being married. Our priest often mentions all vocations including single for which I am grateful.

mlz

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

In some cases the What not to say can be more helpful than the what to say on that list. As a single man, I want to have constructive criticism if someone thinks they know something that will better my odds of finding someone. It does not mean I will do what they say but I welcome suggestions that I might not have ever thought of on my own.

The one I hate the most is being simply told “You will find someone” They do not know that, I do not know that and lots of people never do. That is patronizing. Other than that, if you think I am too ruthless looking, overweight, old fashioned, picky, badly dressed, smelly, masculine, feminine, whatever, I would rather hear that than be patronized. The best response on my singleness I have ever gotten, that truly made me feel like I am not crazy and my feelings are valid was when I had just got done complaining to a female friend about yet another woman who I had my hopes up about and it did not work out and she simply told me “You have the worst luck in dating” I was thinking “I KNOW, RIGHT?!?!” LOL Because that is how I feel sometimes.

 

[stanncie]

I would add: don’t assume your single friends want to be in a relationship. Some of us are genuinely happy single.

Omogsh thank you!!! I know it’s hard to believe but some of us enjoy our own company and are perfectly content. I don’t ever complain or worry about it yet there’s always someone doing it for me. I just smile and say pray for me
I know they mean well but if this info could just get out there it would be good.

 

[DeniseNY]

Name me any fault and I can find someone who has it and is married. Sometimes the people with the faults I would think most disqualify them as a marriage prospect have inexplicably figured out how to get married several times! Go figure! Let us admit it, then: we usually have no idea why any particular person who clearly wants to get married isn’t married.

 

[Norseman82]

It is a vocation being single which is what I love about the Catholic faith. Such a shame to incinuate that being single is “less” of a vocation than being married. Our priest often mentions all vocations including single for which I am grateful.

mlz

That’s incorrect. “Single” has not been declared a vocation by the Church outside of ordained/religious/consecrated life. It’s in the CCC; look it up. Calling it a vocation is one of those things NOT to say to a single person.