What to say (or not) to a Single Person

[Lily_Bernans]

Why do people feel they have to say anything to a single person? Single people don’t around pointing out all the faults in the marriages they see. They leave the spouses to take care of that unless it’s something terrible egregious, of course, like a married woman considering an abortion.

Married people should leave single people alone! Being single and dedicating one’s life to God is not wrong just as marriage is not wrong.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

That’s incorrect. “Single” has not been declared a vocation by the Church outside of ordained/religious/consecrated life. It’s in the CCC; look it up. Calling it a vocation is one of those things NOT to say to a single person.

It is not in the CCC, that is true. It may not be a vocation in the formal sense, but it is a vocation as in a “way of life consecrated to God”:

catholicmatch.com/institute/2014/01/is-single-life-a-vocation/

 

[Sarcelle]

Why do people feel they have to say anything to a single person? Single people don’t around pointing out all the faults in the marriages they see. They leave the spouses to take care of that unless it’s something terrible egregious, of course, like a married woman considering an abortion.

Married people should leave single people alone! Being single and dedicating one’s life to God is not wrong just as marriage is not wrong.

For the same reasons people like to say something to couples that in their opinion have a too large family or a too small family. These people think the world has a right to their opinion.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

For the same reasons people like to say something to couples that in their opinion have a too large family or a too small family. These people think the world has a right to their opinion.

LOL I’m not laughing at you, just the way you put it made me smile, which is a good thing!

I don’t say anything to people about their family or about their marital status. I’d feel I’d be over-stepping my bounds, and I just assume they don’t give a hoot what I think!

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Why do people feel they have to say anything to a single person? Single people don’t around pointing out all the faults in the marriages they see. They leave the spouses to take care of that unless it’s something terrible egregious, of course, like a married woman considering an abortion.

Married people should leave single people alone! Being single and dedicating one’s life to God is not wrong just as marriage is not wrong.

This implies it is married people saying things to single people, as though we are two imutable blocs.

One could argue single folks say just as much to or about married folks and parents - ask a pregnant mom some time if she ever hears any comments or opinions.

Probably best to leave the “who says it” out and simply address what not to say.

I’ve was single not too long ago, and I am married, and both had challenges. The key is to simply be where God wants you in the moment and live that to the fullest.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

This implies it is married people saying things to single people, as though we are two imutable blocs.

One could argue single folks say just as much to or about married folks and parents - ask a pregnant mom some time if she ever hears any comments or opinions.

Probably best to leave the “who says it” out and simply address what not to say.

I’ve was single not too long ago, and I am married, and both had challenges. The key is to simply be where God wants you in the moment and live that to the fullest.

I didn’t start the thread and name it. I would have given it a different name. Both married and single people are guilty. But some married people are always trying to marry off the unmarried, even those who are called by God to remain unmarried.

 

[EasterJoy]

…Single people don’t around pointing out all the faults in the marriages they see…

No, they usually hold their tongues pretty well until they see married people at parenting.

 

[DarkLight]

No, they usually hold their tongues pretty well until they see married people at parenting.

Everyone knows exactly what everyone else is doing wrong with their lives.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

I didn’t start the thread and name it. I would have given it a different name. Both married and single people are guilty. But some married people are always trying to marry off the unmarried, even those who are called by God to remain unmarried.

True, I was just saying it works both ways. See also: the topics on breast feeding in public or spanking.

Unless the person as asking for advice, I am not sure why anyone’s state in life (save for obvious emotinal distress that begs for someone to help them) is anyone else’s business. Even in more serious situations (a lapsed Catholic friend), I find prayer is more effective than quoting the Catechism, for example. That rarely makes someone want to run back to confession. I will not hide our teachings, but will not lead with them as a blunt instrument either.

 

[Lily_Bernans]

True, I was just saying it works both ways. See also: the topics on breast feeding in public or spanking.

Unless the person as asking for advice, I am not sure why anyone’s state in life (save for obvious emotinal distress that begs for someone to help them) is anyone else’s business. Even in more serious situations (a lapsed Catholic friend), I find prayer is more effective than quoting the Catechism, for example. That rarely makes someone want to run back to confession. I will not hide our teachings, but will not lead with them as a blunt instrument either.

I agree with you.

 

[CRATUS]

I thought this article was about people selected to be single. Some people do not know how to respond to single adults who are not looking for love. Of course, honest advice should be given if a single person is wondering why they are single, but if they are comfortable and do not care, why tell them? I wish more people knew how to shut their mouths.

 

[Xantippe]

No, they usually hold their tongues pretty well until they see married people at parenting.

Funny!

But that includes married childless people, too.

I was the first grandbaby in my extended family for a few years. When I was a toddler/preschooler my (at the time) childless aunt and uncle thought that my parents were parenting me all wrong. Auntie and uncle eventually got theirs–in the form of a Tasmanian devil toddler of their very own.

 

[Xantippe]

I didn’t start the thread and name it. I would have given it a different name. Both married and single people are guilty. But some married people are always trying to marry off the unmarried, even those who are called by God to remain unmarried.

Funny thing–there’s another thread running where the guys are complaining at the lack of effort within the Church to help them find them wives…

 

[Lily_Bernans]

I thought this article was about people selected to be single. Some people do not know how to respond to single adults who are not looking for love. Of course, honest advice should be given if a single person is wondering why they are single, but if they are comfortable and do not care, why tell them? I wish more people knew how to shut their mouths.

I do, too! Married people should not say anything to a single person about his or her status unless asked!

 

[oldrover]

Everyone knows exactly what everyone else is doing wrong with their lives.

LOL… “yes, let me point out the speck in your eye whilst I ignore the mote in my own”.

Married 29 years, and we’re still working at it. I would never presume to tell a person, single or married, what to do or how to act. Unless they were a pleasant young single lady, and we were at church, and then I might try to introduce them to one of my sons.

 

[EasterJoy]

Everyone knows exactly what everyone else is doing wrong with their lives.

Oh, and don’t forget–their good fortune has to do with how clever, industrious, and self-aware they are, whereas they are far more willing to recognize that the good fortune of *others *may have something to do with dumb luck!

How many of us will say in one breath that meeting our spouse was the greatest stroke of good fortune we ever had, and then in the next turn around and give lectures to others on the wisest methods of finding a good spouse?

That is not to say it is wrong to offer advice to people who ask you to tell them how they need to change in order to meet some prevailing standard of grooming or self-presentation. I’m not saying that at all. Some of us have a sense of aesthetics and some of us don’t, and there is nothing wrong with the latter getting the insight of the former. I am only saying that we sometimes give ourselves quite a bit too much credit when we look back at the successes in our lives while we imagine looking forward that we’ll be much more competent–compared to our peers!–than we have any rational reason to believe we will be.

 

[EasterJoy]

Funny thing–there’s another thread running where the guys are complaining at the lack of effort within the Church to help them find them wives…

This is one area where the Church is wise to stay out. The only thing worse than standing by and doing nothing while someone finds a spouse is to stick your nose in and help them to find a spouse that (both parties being mere mortals with the faults all we humans have) they will inevitably find fault with later!

No, the Church is right to stay clear of this one. If parents are smart, they’ll steer clear, too. The days of finding spouses for your children are over. They have to find their own way.

There is, however, an old saying: *Don’t marry for money. Hang around rich people, then marry for love. *The Church does and ought to encourage her sons and daughters to surround themselves with Christians of good character, so if they fall in love and marry they are the most likely to have married into true riches.

One of the posters (Norseman?) suggested he could use some help from the priests in encouraging other Christians who are spending many years in the single state of life to take their purity more seriously. This is a pastoral duty that has far less to do with finding Catholics good spouses so much as it has to do with saving souls. It is a difficult proposition these days, but that does not mean the suggestion is not a valid one. It absolutely is, even if the reason suggested isn’t the reason that makes it a priority.

 

[stanncie]

Oh, and don’t forget–their good fortune has to do with how clever, industrious, and self-aware they are, whereas they are far more willing to recognize that the good fortune of *others *may have something to do with dumb luck!

How many of us will say in one breath that meeting our spouse was the greatest stroke of good fortune we ever had, and then in the next turn around and give lectures to others on the wisest methods of finding a good spouse?

That is not to say it is wrong to offer advice to people who ask you to tell them how they need to change in order to meet some prevailing standard of grooming or self-presentation. I’m not saying that at all. Some of us have a sense of aesthetics and some of us don’t, and there is nothing wrong with the latter getting the insight of the former. I am only saying that we sometimes give ourselves quite a bit too much credit when we look back at the successes in our lives while we imagine looking forward that we’ll be much more competent–compared to our peers!–than we have any rational reason to believe we will be.

I love the way you put that. One thing I hate is married people thinking there must be something wrong with me and that’s the reason i’m not married. Err… no, I know plenty of dysfunctional married people.
I feel the same way about careers, yes you have more control of that but I feel if you are successful there was a good portion of good luck involved. I became a professional at an early age and was able to secure a good job and liked it from the beginning. Yes I did study a lot but there was luck in me selecting that field and me ending up enjoying it.
Some people just take longer to find what they are good at/enjoy.

Like others stated I feel the best policy is to just remain silent unless advice is required of you. Being prudent is a lost virtue nowadays.

I have made it a point to never ask a person why they are married/unmarried, why they have or not have children or any other impertinent questions. It’s their business and not mine

 

[EasterJoy]

I love the way you put that. One thing I hate is married people thinking there must be something wrong with me and that’s the reason i’m not married. Err… no, I know plenty of dysfunctional married people.
I feel the same way about careers, yes you have more control of that but I feel if you are successful there was a good portion of good luck involved. I became a professional at an early age and was able to secure a good job and liked it from the beginning. Yes I did study a lot but there was luck in me selecting that field and me ending up enjoying it.
Some people just take longer to find what they are good at/enjoy.

Like others stated I feel the best policy is to just remain silent unless advice is required of you. Being prudent is a lost virtue nowadays.

I have made it a point to never ask a person why they are married/unmarried, why they have or not have children or any other impertinent questions. It’s their business and not mine

I know a guy who kept getting questions into his 30s about why he wasn’t married yet. The family said he was skipping the presently-popular “starter marriage” and the divorce that went with it and holding out for the one that is going to work! I’d say that is exactly what he did. He and his wife will be married 25 years this summer.

We are surrounded with people who are suffering for a rash attempt at marriage. That shouldn’t make us overly afraid, but it certainly ought to give us affirmation about not having frantically rushed into a marriage, either. An invalid attempt at marriage does real harm to all parties. It is well worth asking to be preserved from that trial, even if it means going through a time of being single when we feel we’d much rather be married. I don’t know many who have been through it who would wish it on anyone they liked.

A friend who can hear your problems and not have them all figured out for you before you’ve finished speaking is worth her weight in gold. Bless you–it sounds as if you are that friend!

 

[Anglewannabe]

As a never married woman, I found the list of things to say just as ridiculous of what not to say

1-) I have dated a couple of guys who were waiting for marriage and a couple who weren’t virgins but respect I wanted to wait. It still did not mean a marriage with them would have been a good thing

2-) I found that odd, as if there is a set pattern to get married I would be baffled and offended to hear that

3-) Came from a married man to his wife. That as far as I am concerned is just a typical male answer because either
a-) he really just didn’t want to think about it
b-) he knew any other answer would just offend his wife, or
c-) He knew the answer would get back to her

4-) That is how I would talk to my prize show horse not a human being trying to find a spouse.

Honestly I think the writer sounded rather immature. Focusing on others opinions rather than the reality of her life

Angie