What to say when

[Island_Oak]

someone you know has been diagnosed with a terminal condition? Especially if you do not share the same faith tradition? For those of you who have been on the recieving end of well-wishers who “said it right,” what was helpful, meaningful, welcome, or appreciated without being annoying, invasive, or depressing?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated now!

 

[gardenswithkids]

someone you know has been diagnosed with a terminal condition? Especially if you do not share the same faith tradition? For those of you who have been on the recieving end of well-wishers who “said it right,” what was helpful, meaningful, welcome, or appreciated without being annoying, invasive, or depressing?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated now!

“I am so sorry to hear the news.” If you are so inclined, add, “Is there anything you or your family need right now that I can help you with?”

If they have any faith tradtion, even if it’s not your own, adding the words “I’ll keep you in my prayers” may comfort them. Don’t say that if you know they wouldn’t want to hear it, but most people aren’t offending by people of other faith praying for them.

 

[Revert07]

Having been the recipient of such news about my father and then mother - actually it was never actually stated, just implied (my Mother didn’t understand the doctor’s double speak) and that’s the subject of a whole other rant - there isn’t very much you can say other than what the previous poster suggested.

“I’m sorry to hear about so and so.” You can add the part about asking if there is anything they need right now that I can help you with ONLY if it is a real offer, otherwise say nothing else.

Also, many people will simply say thanks to the offer of help but they don’t really know what to ask for and they may feel uncomfortable doing so. It’s best if you can add something specific to the offer - pick up something at the store, take something to the cleaners, etc., help around the house (again be specific), etc. - of course depending on the situation. Sometimes it’s best to wait awhile before offering to help since the situation is a fluid one, unfortunately it’s all downhill. In my case, during Mom’s last month, I couldn’t leave her alone for even a few minutes - getting her medicine was a real challenge, let alone taking care of everyday things. I would’ve loved for someone to offer to sit with her just for even an hour or two - even it I only got a chance to take a nap. Since it was around Christmas, someone dropping off cookies or other treats would have been wonderful.

Just remember it’s the little things that really mean the most. Don’t offer your prayers to them unless you know they won’t mind but by all means, pray for them anyway whether you tell them or not.

 

[SMHW]

someone you know has been diagnosed with a terminal condition? Especially if you do not share the same faith tradition? For those of you who have been on the recieving end of well-wishers who “said it right,” what was helpful, meaningful, welcome, or appreciated without being annoying, invasive, or depressing?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated now!

Well, it kind of depends on the relationship and the stage of the terminal illness. But in general, I think the important thing is to make the person *feel *appreciated and not alone.

I won’t repeat too many of the previous suggestions, I hope. Most of mine are for people who live in close proximity. (If it’s a distance relationship then visit whenever possible but give immediate family some space.)

If the person is still relatively mobile and is not in uncontrolled pain then I recommend continuing as many “normal” activities and conversations as are possible for this relationship Go to lunch together. See movies. Celebrate birthdays and anniversaries. Go for drives and stick a recorded book in the CD player or iPod. Offer rides to doctor’s appointments. Pick up over-the-counter medicines and supplies from the pharmacy.

If the condition of the person has progressed to a point where he or she is pretty much confined to a bed at home or in a care facility then visits are much appreciated. If you are close to this person then sometimes just coming in with a book is a good idea because you can take turns conversing and then just silently keeping company while the person sleeps or rests. If you are a more casual acquaintance it can be nice to come with a mutual friend. Sometimes the ill person is too tired to speak but he/she will enjoy listening to the conversation of others.

Cards, flowers (assuming no allergies), and food are always nice even if the ill person is unable to directly appreciate them. Such things will cheer the family and medical caretakers too. It’s always nice to ask if there will be any out-of-town visitors who will need rides to or from an airport. Offer to read or bring music to listen too.

In general, I think offers of thoughts and/or prayers are usually welcomed. I’d try to stay away from giving many specifics on what you are praying about. Praying that the person not feel much pain is OK.