What to Tell Families About Mental Illness

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pensmama87

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In the next few months it is highly likely that I will be doing an (name removed by moderator)atient or intensive outpatient program through our local psychiatric hospital so I can receive help for my eating disorder. Currently, the only people in my “real life” that know I have an eating disorder are myself, my husband, and my therapist. Managing a stay like this will involve some other familial support because I am a stay at home mother and someone will need to watch the children while my husband works. Even though the program should be paid for by insurance (that’s what I’m figuring out this week), we do not have the money for childcare.

I’ll admit I have some embarassment about this issue. I know if I tell my MIL my husband’s entire family, including distant cousins, will know by the end of the day. She cannot/will not keep a secret, even if directly asked to. She and my father-in-law are the regular babysitters for our two boys and there’s really no one else we can ask.

If we ask her to care for our children, to what extent am I obligated to tell her about why I will be unavailable to do so? How do I field nosy questions about it? Or do I do as much as possible to avoid them knowing?
 
I would do as much as possible to avoid them knowing.

Is it possible for you to keep it vague, to say that you have some health problems and avoid going into details?
 
Contra_Mundum said:
I would do as much as possible to avoid them knowing.

Is it possible for you to keep it vague, to say that you have some health problems and avoid going into details?
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It would be possible, but my MIL would push very hard to know details, and would act huffy if they weren’t given to her. If I didn’t, she would push my husband, who would almost certainly break under pressure.
Aggies08 said:
How about calling it a retreat?
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Now there’s an idea…:hmmm: In this case the issue would be that I’m abandoning my children by doing something “unimportant,” but that would be less bothersome to me than her sharing far and wide that I have a mental illness.

She’s not malicious about this kind of thing, but she loves loves loves juicy gossip. She always makes sure to frame it in the “caring relative who just wants to help” light, though.
 
First, let me say I am glad that you have reached the decision to get help. I will pray that this will be the start of better things for you and your husband.

I can only suggest that you are honest. Tell them you are being treated for an eating disorder and you would appreciate their help. That is all the detail that you need to provide. They don’t need to know how long you have had this problem, or why, or what it is exactly. Politely tell them this is all you want to share at this time…you are going for treatment.

If they won’t keep things confidential, and you discover this later, tell them that you think it was rude and you don’t appreciate it. Then let it go. Focus on your children and your husband. Let your gratitude be for him, as it appears he is supportive of your getting help.

My paternal grandmother had a problem with always minding other peoples business and telling the world of their faults and problems. My parents, over time, did share less with her as a result, and simply became very selective in what they did share. It makes things hard I know, but it can be done. You need to worry about taking care of you and your family, and let the gossips, gossip. They will be held accountable for this sin.

Again, good luck and God Bless.
 
I would talk to your counselor about this. It may be that your husband can speak to his family about your condition, which is truly life-threatening. Still, they may not be at a maturity level to understand your need for support at this time, and education maybe be one more thing than what you need to make this a positive effort.
 
My husband is very much the same - he thinks he has to tell people details about me or the children when he asks for prayer. One time he told some people I’d gone to the doctor for treatment for hemorrhoids (turned out to be something else) and several people asked me about it. So embarrassing. :o

I did a lot of yelling before he could admit that this sort of behavior is gossip.

Mother-in-law is more problematic. Because she’s pushy (I hate people like that!), tell her the minimum, but don’t use the words “mental illness.” Having an eating problem myself, I find that people don’t understand the term. They think mental illness = crazy.
 
pensmama87 said:
In the next few months it is highly likely that I will be doing an (name removed by moderator)atient or intensive outpatient program through our local psychiatric hospital so I can receive help for my eating disorder. Currently, the only people in my “real life” that know I have an eating disorder are myself, my husband, and my therapist. Managing a stay like this will involve some other familial support because I am a stay at home mother and someone will need to watch the children while my husband works. Even though the program should be paid for by insurance (that’s what I’m figuring out this week), we do not have the money for childcare.

I’ll admit I have some embarassment about this issue. I know if I tell my MIL my husband’s entire family, including distant cousins, will know by the end of the day. She cannot/will not keep a secret, even if directly asked to. She and my father-in-law are the regular babysitters for our two boys and there’s really no one else we can ask.

If we ask her to care for our children, to what extent am I obligated to tell her about why I will be unavailable to do so? How do I field nosy questions about it? Or do I do as much as possible to avoid them knowing?
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You can say your on a Spiritual Retreat. Do you have a member on your side of the family (siblings) who could watch the children for you. God bless. I’m praying for you.
 
tawny said:
You can say your on a Spiritual Retreat. Do you have a member on your side of the family (siblings) who could watch the children for you. God bless. I’m praying for you.
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Unfortunately, all of my close relatives live more than 1000 miles away. 😦

Thank you for your prayers.
Bonnie said:
My husband is very much the same - he thinks he has to tell people details about me or the children when he asks for prayer. One time he told some people I’d gone to the doctor for treatment for hemorrhoids (turned out to be something else) and several people asked me about it. So embarrassing. :o

I did a lot of yelling before he could admit that this sort of behavior is gossip.

Mother-in-law is more problematic. Because she’s pushy (I hate people like that!), tell her the minimum, but don’t use the words “mental illness.” Having an eating problem myself, I find that people don’t understand the term. They think mental illness = crazy.
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I used the term mental illness in the thread just so it would be broader…but I think you are right to avoid that kind of language. My MIL does know that I had postpartum depression after both children. I have no idea how far she broadcast that, but I had several of my husband’s female relatives come up to me after she found out so they could swap stories (or tell me to snap out of it because when they had their babies, their husbands were deployed/worked longer hours/etc.) :rolleyes:

I know part of this is the disorder talking, but I’m really anxious about this in particular because eating is a HUGE thing for family get-togethers. The last thing I need is people whispering and/or studying me when I get a plate, or don’t, or what I put on it, or what I’m doing if I go to the bathroom after eating. I already have a lot of anxiety over what I look like while eating, when it’s very unlikely that anyone thinks about it at all. I don’t need that amped up. It would be honest curiosity and wouldn’t be ill-intentioned, but it would still bug me.
 
Pensmama87 said:

“I know part of this is the disorder talking, but I’m really anxious about this in particular because eating is a HUGE thing for family get-togethers. The last thing I need is people whispering and/or studying me when I get a plate, or don’t, or what I put on it, or what I’m doing if I go to the bathroom after eating. I already have a lot of anxiety over what I look like while eating, when it’s very unlikely that anyone thinks about it at all. I don’t need that amped up. It would be honest curiosity and wouldn’t be ill-intentioned, but it would still bug me.”

Yeah, I was thinking that might be a problem. Under the circumstances, I think it may be best to see if you can’t coach your husband into a higher level of resistance to interrogation. Think of it as the home version of those special forces POW simulations.

articles.latimes.com/1985-03-03/news/ga-32792_1_cal-poly-s-rotc/2

Since your postpartum depression has already been blabbed, maybe it wouldn’t be dishonest to say something like, “Pensmama87’s doctor thinks she needs a week or two away.” When pressed, your husband can say something like, “You know Pensmama87 has been struggling and she needs a lot of support and help, mom.” When further pressed, “Pensmama87 really needs a break.” See if you can get him to learn how to keep paraphrasing without divulging more information. Remember–only name, rank and serial number. You might want to bring him in to one of your therapist appointments for a little toughening and some evasive skills (“Wow, mom, your mashed potatoes are better than ever!”. If this works, you’ll leave everybody thinking what a big wimp you are, but it’s not very juicy.

The last thing you need in your situation is the added stress of all these gossipy people watching your every forkful and wondering if you’re not getting too thin/too fat/whatever.
 
One possible evasive maneuver is to be effusive about the help that MIL is offering.
 
You’ve gotten great advice about how to deal with MIL. I just wanted to add prayers for your situation.
 
Me too. Great that you have made the choice to get the help you need.

Might consider that your husband’s behavior is a learned behavior from Mom. He too, has choices and can change that. It might be just how that family operates until someone changes it.

Prayers for you and yours.
 
pensmama87 said:
In the next few months it is highly likely that I will be doing an (name removed by moderator)atient or intensive outpatient program through our local psychiatric hospital so I can receive help for my eating disorder. Currently, the only people in my “real life” that know I have an eating disorder are myself, my husband, and my therapist. Managing a stay like this will involve some other familial support because I am a stay at home mother and someone will need to watch the children while my husband works. Even though the program should be paid for by insurance (that’s what I’m figuring out this week), we do not have the money for childcare.

I’ll admit I have some embarassment about this issue. I know if I tell my MIL my husband’s entire family, including distant cousins, will know by the end of the day. She cannot/will not keep a secret, even if directly asked to. She and my father-in-law are the regular babysitters for our two boys and there’s really no one else we can ask.

If we ask her to care for our children, to what extent am I obligated to tell her about why I will be unavailable to do so? How do I field nosy questions about it? Or do I do as much as possible to avoid them knowing?
Click to expand...
Definitely talk to a counselor and get their advice. I’ve been though (name removed by moderator)atient and outpatient care for mental health issues, and your issue means you need to do this for yourself and your family. I pray you get well. And I found prayer helped me a lot.

I find that the people who care about me will continue to care about me if I need to enter treatment, which I have. Whatever they say will not change the fact that something you need to do is something you need to do. You can also ask your doctor about this.

Try not to worry.

God bless,
Ed
 
Here’s my advice. How well this would actually work depends on your MIL.

You could say that you have an anxiety disorder. Emphasize only anxiety, do not discuss eating at all. And clearly state that people gossiping will make it worse. Repeatedly and pointedly. Provide no other information. MIL should only know: 1. anxiety 2. because of the anxiety condition, she will harm you greatly by talking to others.

If she asks any additional questions, just keep saying “It’s anxiety. That’s why it’s so important that you don’t talk.”

You should invite her to dinner at your house, or, if dinner isn’t comfortable, at least somehting with a time commitment. The point is you want at least an hour when you and your husband repeatedly say “anxiety” and “don’t talk to anyone else unless we confirm it’s OK”

You could say things like:

“Thank you MIL for helping us like this. It’s good to know I have someone I can trust SO MUCH with my private matters.”

“If I feel like everyone is talking about me, then things will be worse.”

“Thanks for helping with the kids. Again, the fewer people who hear about this, the sooner I will be back.”

“People who don’t have to deal with this anxiety sometimes think they can help me by warning others to be more careful with me. However, it would be worse if I you told anyone else. I need you to promise to respect my privacy so that I won’t be anxious. If everyone starts treating me diferently I will fear that I am being discussed and this will hinder my recovery. I trust you won’t misunderstand me like this. That’s why I have told you about the anxiety. If I need to, I can tell others myself.”

You can even frame this as advice from your therapist, if that would give it more weight.

“My therapist says that my anxiety will be reduced if you promise not to tell the rest of the family. It is always risky to talk about these kinds of things, but I trust you to respect my privacy.”

The danger is that this strategy will arouse curiosity, and the MIL will call around looking for more info.

Don’t know how well any of this would work, but I will pray for you in any case.
 
PeterAgain,

I like your script and I think it might work on somebody more discreet, but I feel that this particular MIL is such a gabber that keeping her mouth shut is going to nearly kill her. Unless your plan is for her to tell that to everybody, in which case, well done–that might work. “Anxiety” might be specific enough to satisfy her, but vague enough that the OP is not going to have the sort of problems at family meals that she very plausibly envisions.
 
It is hard to put up with people who are gossips, especially if your the subject of their conversation. Have you ever thought of countering the gossip in this way:

MIL spreads the word about a subject that is no one’s business and has in fact violated confidentiality. You find out because someone just plane asks or makes a statement about the subject at hand. You could then respond by saying something like this:

Well you know I had confided in (MIL) and she promised to keep this confidential, but obviously she has broken her promise. I really don’t mind you knowing about this (even if you do state this calmly for the sake of making a point.) but I would much rather have told you myself. That way there can be no confusion about what has actually happened or what is wrong. Now, is there anything I can clear up for you, so you are not confused or misinformed about this matter? (Give it the old sweet sweet so sweet smile.)

You could also calmly state, and I mean calmly and ever so sweetly (huge amounts of syrup here…if you get what I mean): "I suppose we are all going to have to be careful about what we share with (MIL) if we don’t want our personal business broadcast to all the world.

This is kind of an overly sugary way of saying Mind your business. They will get the point but can’t argue that you were rude.
 
Good for you for seeking treatment! 👍

My older sister had an eating disorder when I was in middle school, and she was hospitalized for a month.
My parents and the rest of the family mostly told people that she had a heart condition and needed to be in the hospital for it. It was technically true: because of her ED, her heart rate was dangerously low.
I remember my mom saying my sister’s doctor did something like that with billing. If they called what they were treating her for “anorexia nervosa,” the insurance wouldn’t cover the visit, but if they called it “underweight” (which, she technically was, so it wasn’t fraud) they would cover it.

Perhaps there is something you could call it that is true, but doesn’t reveal more than you are comfortable with the extended family knowing. A previous poster suggested “anxiety,” but I’m sure there are other vague titles that could work, too, e.g. “digestive condition.” If she asks for specific details, perhaps a “I really don’t understand the condition myself; it’s very complicated” would be an honest way to avoid going into details. Part of the reason you go into treatment is to gain understanding about this condition and to what led you to develop it.
 
Another tack is to emphasize the medical aspect; that is, to say there is to say that the OP needs treatment for a medical issue with her brain. I don’t know why, but some people judge when they hear “mental illness”, and yet they treat brain disturbances as “health problems”…what on earth is the difference?

At any rate, if the MIL is a gossip, it might help to describe the issue as a health problem that the doctors have decided need in-patient treatment so that the OP will be compliant about keeping quiet and not doing too much at home. The earlier suggestion that “it has something to do with how some centers in her brain interact with her digestive tract; I don’t understand it very well myself” is also true and more “medical”. Explained this way, if the MIL asks outright, “Does she have anorexia?”, the answer can be “that is the way it manifests itself, yes. The disorder does upset her appetite and makes it hard for her to eat, yes. Obviously, it is really important that they figure this out. Please pray for her.”
 
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