What to Tell Families About Mental Illness

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I think PartoftheBody and EasterJoy have some good answers.

This is an important enough issue that if you think it would help preserve confidentiality, it might be worthwhile to borrow sitter money or fly out a relative to help out. If it would preserve confidentiality, of course–if it would just aggravate MIL’s curiosity (which it might easily do), there’s no point.

Remember, this is your health. If you would borrow $200 to cover the treatment itself, it’s not unreasonable to borrow $200 to allow you to undergo the treatment. (And I say that as somebody who normally has nothing good to say about debt or borrowing.)

“The doctor says Pensmama87 should be away from home for a week or two” is perfectly acceptable. If your husband says it in a sufficiently hushed, meaningful way, MIL will figure she’s being let in on some huge secret, which may be good enough for her. As PartoftheBody said, both of you can honestly say you don’t really understand it, but you are sure that it will do Pensmama87 a lot of good to be away.

As I understand these things, there are LOTS of complicated relationships between different psychological issues (in fact, a lot of them are not as separate as the layman might think–there’s for instance a persistent link between the autism spectrum in girls and anorexia and there’s a sort of constellation formed by the autism spectrum, ADHD, OCD and Tourette’s), so it’s not actually that dishonest to leave MIL barking up the wrong tree. A lot of these trees grow very close to each other.

Best wishes!
 
Xantippe said:
I think PartoftheBody and EasterJoy have some good answers.
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I agree. I like the idea of focusing on the medical aspect as a “digestive issue” or more generalized anxiety, or a problem in the brain. It’s all accurate, but the stigma isn’t there in the same way.
Xantippe said:
This is an important enough issue that if you think it would help preserve confidentiality, it might be worthwhile to borrow sitter money or fly out a relative to help out. If it would preserve confidentiality, of course–if it would just aggravate MIL’s curiosity (which it might easily do), there’s no point.

Remember, this is your health. If you would borrow $200 to cover the treatment itself, it’s not unreasonable to borrow $200 to allow you to undergo the treatment. (And I say that as somebody who normally has nothing good to say about debt or borrowing.)
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This is not something I would have considered but I like it. I am very fortunate that our insurance will cover this kind of program almost 100%, and the facility I’m considering is in-network. My mom would be a big help if she’s able to take off work, which I think she could if it was only for a few weeks. (That brings up another concern about MY job - I’m part-time and my company is small enough that I don’t technically qualify for FMLA. I only took off two weeks when my baby was born in May. I actually would just quit my job, but I use the extra $150 or so per month to help pay off our debts a tiny bit faster. But we could survive without it, and it is causing me a LOT of anxiety.)

My family is not “touchy-feely” at all but if I told my mom I needed her help, she’d come and do it, AND keep her mouth shut. I am anxious about my kids being with a stranger. I know other people do it all the time, but it would drive me crazy. I’ve also thought about my husband taking paid time off to watch them, but he would hate that idea so I haven’t even bothered to bring it up. Though he might need to a little anyway for family therapy sessions and so on.
Xantippe said:
“The doctor says Pensmama87 should be away from home for a week or two” is perfectly acceptable. If your husband says it in a sufficiently hushed, meaningful way, MIL will figure she’s being let in on some huge secret, which may be good enough for her. As PartoftheBody said, both of you can honestly say you don’t really understand it, but you are sure that it will do Pensmama87 a lot of good to be away.

As I understand these things, there are LOTS of complicated relationships between different psychological issues (in fact, a lot of them are not as separate as the layman might think–there’s for instance a persistent link between the autism spectrum in girls and anorexia and there’s a sort of constellation formed by the autism spectrum, ADHD, OCD and Tourette’s), so it’s not actually that dishonest to leave MIL barking up the wrong tree. A lot of these trees grow very close to each other.

Best wishes!
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I initially sought out therapy for postpartum depression, and am now uncovering all of these other things that have been longstanding. It’s really, really frustrating, but at the same time I’m glad I’m finally handling some of the root issues. The problem eating has been around a LONG time.

There might actually be a blessing in disguise with the timing as well, which I didn’t really connect to this situation until today. After the New Year my in-laws will be going away for a couple of months. So they might not even be available to babysit at all, which makes the “bring a family member” idea better. And it would be out of sight, out of mind.

I’m not exactly thrilled about having this kind of crisis, but you know…the timing could have been a LOT worse…
 
Pensmama87 said:

“My family is not “touchy-feely” at all but if I told my mom I needed her help, she’d come and do it, AND keep her mouth shut.”

Your mom sounds perfect.

“I am anxious about my kids being with a stranger. I know other people do it all the time, but it would drive me crazy. I’ve also thought about my husband taking paid time off to watch them, but he would hate that idea so I haven’t even bothered to bring it up. Though he might need to a little anyway for family therapy sessions and so on.”

If your mom can’t do two weeks, it’s also an option for your husband to do a week and for you to do a week.

“There might actually be a blessing in disguise with the timing as well, which I didn’t really connect to this situation until today. After the New Year my in-laws will be going away for a couple of months. So they might not even be available to babysit at all, which makes the “bring a family member” idea better. And it would be out of sight, out of mind.”

Perfect!

There’s so much potential for your in-laws interfering with your recovery that I would avoid telling them at pretty much all costs.
 
Sorry–I mistyped. I meant that it’s possible for your husband to do a week and for your mom to do a week.

A lot depends on how long your program is.
 
I’ve been trying to figure that out today, but the place isn’t calling me back. :mad: They have (name removed by moderator)atient, partial hospitalization (30 hours/week), and then varying levels of outpatient care. I want information on how they would evaluate me to determine my needs, and then what accommodations they could make for me as a nursing mom (baby is under 7 months and still pretty much exclusively breastfed.) I don’t know if I need a referral from my counselor or PCP, or what (though I never visit my PCP as I don’t really like her, ha.)

My husband, thankfully, knew exactly what I was talking about when I said that I was worried his mom would blab. He said he’s had good instruction on how to “not say too much” from his father on this very issue, which might explain why I occasionally feel like I’m pulling teeth when we have arguments. 😊 If we have to say anything, we’re going the “stomach problem” route (I was actually really sick when pregnant the last time around, and he has another relative with a digestive issue, so this will be very believable - and it’s also not a lie.) My husband would also be really happy if my mom came. They get along well (she’s a no-fuss kind of person and very easy to get along with.)

So, on tap for my counselor tonight:
  • How to set up an evaluation at the facility and what kinds of questions I should ask
  • What to expect in this kind of program
  • How to ask my mom to come out and tell her what’s going on
  • How to handle my job
There’s a lot more to discuss than this, of course, but this is a good start and we may not even get through all of this stuff! I am feeling kind of relieved at this point. For the past few months I’ve been going back and forth on “well, is it really that much of a problem?” and telling myself I should be strong enough to just handle it myself, when clearly that hasn’t been the solution for the past 15 years, so I don’t know why I am still thinking that way now. :o I know it’s around a medical issue, but I know I’m not the only person on CAF with weird relatives and in-laws so I really appreciate all the insights I’ve gotten here. :grouphug:

I will be sure to post updates when I get them…again, I appreciate all of you and your prayers, both here and in my intentions thread that I posted a few days ago. I really just want to be a good wife and mom for my kids, and this disorder is threatening my ability to do that. I feel like I need to kick this thing now, to help my kids have a better chance of growing up with healthy attitudes toward eating and food, and having a physically and emotionally present mother. 🙂
 
Evaluation scheduled for January (they are really busy this time of year, which doesn’t surprise me)! After that, they’ll recommend what level of treatment to proceed with.

I called my mom to give her a heads-up that I may want her to come out in mid-late January or so. She was as I expected: concerned, but not nosy, and said she’d see what she could do re:work, and was glad I asked her.

My counselor and I talked about what I can do from now until the evaluation. She explained me a lot of the reasons behind what I’m experiencing as I try to refrain from the problem eating as a coping mechanism, and some of the chemistry behind it, which was really helpful. Turns out that feeling awful is actually part of the brain’s healing process…whaddaya know. 😛

Thanks again for everyone’s prayers.
 
Pensmama87 said:

“I called my mom to give her a heads-up that I may want her to come out in mid-late January or so. She was as I expected: concerned, but not nosy, and said she’d see what she could do re:work, and was glad I asked her.”

I love your mom!
 
I can’t find the post that I liked in here about saying that you really need a break and some support. But my addition to that post would be that you can also be very explicitly vague, if that is a term. In other words, your husband would say, “Wifey has a medical problem that she has to deal with. She’s ok, she’s not dying, but she needs to take care of this issue.” When someone asks what the medical issue is, you can say, “it’s actually personal, and I’d rather not go into details. But I know she’d appreciate a prayer for a successful treatment.” If someone dares to question further, just repeat, “it’s personal.” It’s important to give enough information that people who truly care aren’t too worried (because they might immediately think that you are dying of cancer), but no more information is necessary, and there is nothing wrong with stating it outright.

BTW, I noticed that you may have found a way around the situation by having your mom come. I do wonder, if your mom is a really supportive and trustworthy person, if it might not be bad to confide in her - to not have to feel like you have a deep dark secret. But obviously since you have a therapist, I would defer to that person’s expertise on that issue. It is possible that less supportive/trustworthy people will still find out that you are away (by calling the house while you’re gone, for example). So I would suggest having your husband prepare to give the above lines anyway. Really, you can start out with, “Pensman87 is taking a much needed break” and let it go. But if for whatever reason it is impossible to stop there, the above lines will allow your husband to give a little, but not too much information, and to set a boundary as well.
 
Even if you were having some physical procedure done, it would still not be any of your in-laws business what exactly you were having done.

My mom had some surgery done a few years back, and I still don’t know exactly what it was (although I suspect it was some sort of gynecological procedure). I didn’t ask because if she wants me to know, she’ll tell me.
 
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