What to tell my family. (Troubled by lust)

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Andrew98

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Sorry abouth the length of this but I am very troubled about it.

I have been struggling with masturbation for some years. Earlier this year I finally had the courage to confess this and I began to make good progress. I foolishly flung this away a couple of months ago and since have had trouble getting back on my feet. Worse still on 3 occasions I knowingly received Communion in a state of mortal sin because I was too ashamed not to in front of my family (I was on holiday and so was unable to get to confession, at least without having a very awkward conversation with my family). I was also presumptious of forgiveness.

I confessed all this, though I wasn’t sure of my repentance. (I was worried about what I would have done the following Sunday had I not made it to confession.) Anway a couple of weeks later I was again in a state of mortal sin and plucked up the courage not to receive Communion. After this I felt that I really was on the right path, that I would go to confession about the sin and I would be fully reunited with God and able to pick myself up and start the fight once more. However later that day I masturbated again and since then I have had this feeling of forboding that even after going to confession that I shouldn’t receive Communion for a few weeks, almost as if I had crossed some line and God wanted me to take some time to reflect and perhaps even bear [silent] witness to the Eucharist, which i suppose i effectively denied by receiveing in a state of sin.I have been to confession about this andhave since received Communion but I still feel very far from God and I just don’t know if this is an overreaction to guilt or if it is God prompting me.

The problem is I don’t see how I can not receive Communion without telling my family everything (they are already aware that i have been going to confession more often than usual and are a bit worried by it I think). The thought of telling them though makes me sick with worry, I just don’t know how to work up the nerve.

(To further complicate things I am very concerned about my sister who is a few years younge than me. I think she may have made similar mistakes to me in the sort of stuff she has looked at on the internet. However I only know this because i ahve gone snooping and invaded her privacy. I am terrified that if she knows this it will drive a wedge between us and between her and my parents. Plus she has just got a computer for her room and I can only put off setting up a network to give her internet access on it for so long. This kind of makes me feel I should admit my mistakes and then maybe try and persuade her to set up content controls but not let on what I know.)

Either way with regards to myself I will be attending a Mass with my family tomorrow night and really don’t know what to do about receiving Communion.

If anyone has any advice or any experience of admitting impurity to their parents/siblings I would be very grateful.
 
I don’t get why you have to tell your family anything.

That’s what the priest in the confessional is for, to forgive your sins. He may not tell anybody else about it, for any reason.

How is it of any benefit to your familiy to know the details of your problem? If they question you about your confession frequency, you need only say something like, “yes I’ve had a lot on my mind” and if they say “what” you should be able to answer, “thank you for asking, but right now I’d rather not detail it except to my confessor.”

If I had a son or daughter who had this problem and was able to resolve it with the help of a confessor, then I don’t think I’d need to know the details unless they needed some specific means of support from me that required me to know.

Alan

Oh, and by the way I have six children ages 9 to 20, three boys and three girls. We all have excellent relationship and we can talk about issues that most kids can only talk to their friends about. Still, just because we can talk about something doesn’t mean we find it useful to do so. Sometimes you may stay within your comfort zone, and I think confessional is one tool you have in trying to return to it. 🙂
 
Andrew, you shouldn’t feel it necessary to tell your family everything about your personal struggles. If you are really looking for an excuse not to go to communion, have you considered breaking the communion fast. When I see someone staying in the pew, the fact that they might have broken the communion fast is the first thing that comes to my mind. I will not go to communion if I haven’t kept the fast. It is too bad that you might have to resort to this, but it is honest.

I know that you will eventually be successful in your struggle because you are asking for God’s help through the sacrament of penance. I am sure that your post will also get you the help of the prayers of your fellow forum members. God bless you.

Marysann
 
Andrew, the sin you struggle with is probably bar none THE most common of the mortal sins. It is something that 90% of men and at least 2/3 of all women have done at some point, so most people are not going to think less of you for it.

I don’t tell you this to discourage you, since plenty of people have also been successful in overcoming it at some stage. I tell you just to remind you that you are far from being alone.

As to not receiving Communion, I feel for you. When I was younger, if I didn’t go up for Communion my parents would indeed question me as to why, which can be embarrassing in the extreme! At the same time lots of things that we need to do can be embarrassing and difficult, and it is incredibly important not to receive Communion in the state of sin.

The best policy is honesty, but that doesn’t mean you need to tell your family everything. As the previous poster said, tell them you have something troubling you that you’d rather discuss only with your priest since it relates to and affects you and you alone.

God bless, you’re in my prayers :gopray2: I’m sure God loves you for your efforts to conquer this problem and can see as well as I do that your heart is in the right place.
 
People may already suspect, because, masturbation is a substitute for being affectionate and sociable. It would seem that you have good reason to stop, because of the problem it is causing with regards to Mass and Family. Completely stop watching movies that are rated anything other than PG.: Whatever your hobbies are, like reading or music, do them in a more Catholic (and chaste) way. (Alot of the love songs can be love songs to God, rather than a woman.) You are introverting, IMO. You need to reject some of the “bad” culture that has been forced on all young people. I probably should add a website that backs me up. I just remember from some reading that I did, that masturbation is the antithesis of good, affectionate, loving relationships with others.

Umm … maybe I should also make a comment of women/men “as objects of lust” rather then children of God. All of the sex abuse … just reading a story today about a kidnapping of 24 years ago, of a child. Whatever happened to that child? He may have been made an object for the use of sex, accd’g to his Mother.
 
Here is a link to a website that states it is the “online resource for The Theology of the Body by JPII” This book is going to be read and a discussion led by our local associate Pastor. There is a study guide that is with the text. This online link is to a group effort to study the book.

Front page: (quoted)

The ‘Theology of the Body’ is Pope John Paul II’s integrated vision of the human person - body, soul, and spirit. As he explains, the physical human body has a specific meaning and is capable of revealing answers regarding fundamental questions about us and our lives:
Is there a real purpose to life and if so, what is it?
Why were we created male and female? Does it really matter if we are one sex or another?
Why were man and woman called to communion from the beginning? What does the marital union of a man and woman say to us about God and his plan for our lives?
What is the purpose of the married and celibate vocations?
What exactly is “Love”?
Is it truly possible to be pure of heart?
All of these questions and many more are answered in Pope John Paul II’s 129 Wednesday audiences, which were given between the years 1979 and 1984. His reflections are based on Scripture (especially the Gospels, St. Paul and the Book of Genesis), and contain a vision of the human person truly worthy of man. John Paul II discusses who man was in the beginning, who he is now (after original sin), and who he will be in the age to come. He then applies this message to the vocations of marriage and celibacy, in preparation for the Kingdom of Heaven.

Lastly, this website is dedicated to the promotion of the Pope’s revolutionary and life-transforming message of hope that counteracts societal trends which urge us to view the body as an object of pleasure or as a machine for manipulation. John Paul II portrays a beautiful vision of sexuality in his Theology of the Body and other earlier works including Love and Responsibility. He encourages a true reverence for the gift of our sexuality and challenges us to live it in a way worthy of our great dignity as human persons. His theology is not only for young adults or married couples, but for all ages and vocations since it sums up the true meaning of the human person.

“Brace yourself! If we take in what the Holy Father is saying in his Theology of the Body, we will never view ourselves, view others, view the Church, the Sacraments, grace, God, heaven, marriage, the celibate vocation…we will never view the world the same way again.” - Christopher West
 
Confessing your sin is so powerful, it can give you the power to stop. The best thing I can tell you is to avoid the temptations by staying off the internet,or at least certain pages… and don’t spend too much time alone. Every time you feel like masturbating, wrap yourself instead in the love of the Holy Spirit, and try to remember that it might feel good for a moment, but is that feeling worth the yucky, dirty embarassed feelings you have about yourself afterword? I’ll pray for you and everyone afflicted with this! 👍
 
If you’re a teenager, and you don’t receive Communion, no parent with half a wit would ask you why, because they would guess why and would not want to make your situation worse by adding embarrassment to your struggle.

As for your sister? I am not quite sure how to manage that. I think you should ignore her internet escapades, as if you had overheard a confession until you learn of them in a public way. You confessed snooping (stealing someone’s privacy), I hope.
 
You are facing a struggle that all faithful catholics face at some time. You are not alone in this struggle and know that God will give you the grace necessary to win this battle.

It is not necessary to tell your parents everything about this because it is not their right to know why you are going to confession or refraining from receiving Communion. If they ask you out of concern why you are not receiving communion all you have to say is that you had not been to confession yet. This is a strong enough statement in itself and should be sufficient.

With your sister, remember that the right to privacy is not a right at all. Assuming that she is a minor there is no such right in the home of her parents. However, to approach the issue with tact I think it is necessary that you just have a conversation with her about being careful on the internet when you are setting up her computer. Make it vague enough that you don’t violate her trust but make it specific enough to make her think about this all so important issue. The trick is using prudence in the form of tack in addressing the issue.
 
I think people give too much weight and worry to the sin. Priests don’t even agree on whether or not it is a mortal sin or a sin at all even since I had a priest once try to convince me that is is not a sin at all and it had nothing to do with addicton since he was stating his opinion on the matter as a whole or anyone. I would guess most would say to still go ahead and receive communion anyways. My opinion is that it may or may not be a mortal sin but it is still not a good thing to do so it is good to stop. However, if the priests can’t even agree on it then I have to make my own opinons on it and I guess you do too. You probably are taking a more correct approach to the issue than me but I don’t think it is worth worrying about.
 
wjp984 said:
I think people give too much weight and worry to the sin. Priests don’t even agree on whether or not it is a sin and I would guess most would say to still go ahead and receive communion anyways.
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Particular opinions of priests on this matter does not effect the fact that masturbation and other lustfull actions are a sin. It does not take a degree in Moral Theology to understand that. The position of the Church is clear on this issue regardless of what individuals think. Also, it is unlawful for a person to advocate to a person that it is ok to go to communion if they have objective sin on their conscious. Granted there are certain things that can lessen culpability on this issue but they are few.
 
Could you just break the fast? When I don’t go to communion, I sometimes tell my kids that I haven’t fasted.

Just an idea.
 
wjp984 said:
Priests don’t even agree on whether or not it is a mortal sin or a sin at all even since I had a priest once try to convince me that is is not a sin at all and it had nothing to do with addicton since he was stating his opinion on the matter as a whole or anyone. I would guess most would say to still go ahead and receive communion anyways. My opinion is that it may or may not be a mortal sin but it is still not a good thing to do so it is good to stop. However, if the priests can’t even agree on it then I have to make my own opinons on it and I guess you do too. You probably are taking a more correct approach to the issue than me but I don’t think it is worth worrying about.
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Oi. I know a priest who says that the Holy Spirit is keeping people away from the Sacrament of Confession to keep them away from all the mis-informed priests.

Catholics do not have “opinions” on this issue. We have well-defined and well-developed, authoritative, Magisterial teaching. And that teaching is that masturbation is grave matter, objectively taken.

Our young friend isn’t “worrying” about masturbation, he is worried about his family’s reaction. And, as an earlier poster observed, they are not in the “need to know” circle on this.
 
I remember this subject coming up on the Catholic AOL forum … you may be able to find it, but it was a few years ago. A priest from Cleveland said that what affected this sin, was its habitual nature. I had merely said that the sin could be conquered as another poster pointed out, with the grace of confession, and one’s repentence. Because of its habitual nature, it is something that is not completely in one’s will power, and thus … well … What you say, is that it is precipitated by viewing pornography.

Personally, I block pornography at Yahoo search, and in Explorer. You are doing your sister a disservice to continue by disrespecting women’s bodies: My older brother was a huge influence on me, and, of course, one needs to reject what the older siblings do that are wrong. … He hid Playboy magazines under the mattress: When I knew a fellow/s who liked playboy, I thus considered it “normal” behavior.

Finally: One has to make an effort to view pornography online, or in magazines. My search would not hardly let me search for “masturbation catholic.”

Keep your body a temple for the Holy Spirit. Don’t pretend to have religion if you don’t! Say that to your family. Say you have doubts, and that is why you won’t be going. Because that is partly what it is all about.
 
ohioszo said:
I remember this subject coming up on the Catholic AOL forum … you may be able to find it, but it was a few years ago. A priest from Cleveland said that what affected this sin, was its habitual nature. I had merely said that the sin could be conquered as another poster pointed out, with the grace of confession, and one’s repentence. Because of its habitual nature, it is something that is not completely in one’s will power, and thus … well … What you say, is that it is precipitated by viewing pornography.
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Yes, true habit in vice can mitigate culpability but such habit takes a while to build. This is why confession is all the more important because it is in the sacrament that habit is identified and rooted out. This is also why it is important to have a regular confessor if you feel that you are plagued with a habitual sin.
 
You have no reason to tell anyone why you go to confession or why you do not receive communion.

Reception of communion is req’d only once a year during the Easter season. Why you do or do not receive is a private matter, between you and God.

Long ago, when there was a midnight fast before communion (I wasn’t born at that time) I’m sure more people remained in the pews than they do today.

I know some families who go to confession weekly, not necessarily because they’re constantly in mortal sin, but as a sacramental confession. Again, this is a matter b/t you, the confessor and God.

keep praying for purity; it’s tough, but it can be done!
 
But if everyone didn’t go to communion like they do now then there wouldn’t be enought time to sing a communion song. Please know I am joking.
 
I wasn’t able to go to confession once with big issues on my concious. I didnt want a big fight with family so I made sure to get in line last and simply cross my arms and get a blessing instead of receiving. Not sure if that is the best method or even ok but it stopped an argument and I felt it was the right path.
 
wjp984 said:
But if everyone didn’t go to communion like they do now then there wouldn’t be enought time to sing a communion song. Please know I am joking.
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Maybe we could go ahead with the song, since it would not be interrupted by people walking around and such. 😉

Alan
 
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