What would you consider excess baggage?

[OLHope]

Another thread got me thinking about this very issue. I think that baggage can be determined too vastly for different people. This can pertain to dating, courting, or marriage.

So what is your criteria, a top 5 or 10 of absolute no-no’s based on what you have learned so far in life?

 

[lizaanne]

Previous “spouses” and/or children
Past history (or current) of drug or alcohol abuse
Past (or recent) criminal record
Excessive driving violations (serious, like reckless driving)

Beyond that I can’t think of anything I would consider “baggage”.

~Liza

 

[whatevergirl]

*If I were single, I’d say these would be some areas I’d be concerned with, and probably would be deal breakers for marrying someone:

*someone who wasn’t over his ex
*criminal record (felonies, not one time DUI)
*multple ex spouses
*serious serious financial troubles
*addictions that could hinder my life
serious relationship problems with mother

 

[Tosk]

I think the definition of baggage will be more or less the same with everybody. For me it means

gobs of previous sexual partners
previous spouses
children out of wedlock
history of drug or alcohol abuse
large amounts of debt
somebody hung up on their ex

 

[1ke]

Another thread got me thinking about this very issue. I think that baggage can be determined too vastly for different people. This can pertain to dating, courting, or marriage.

So what is your criteria, a top 5 or 10 of absolute no-no’s based on what you have learned so far in life?

I think baggage is only excess when it is still present. Meaning if it’s a person, that person is still in the significant other’s life actively causing drama/trouble. If it’s a trauma of the past, it’s unresolved.

There are many people who come through traumatic events or have unhealthy family dynamics, deal with them, and go on to be emotionally and psychologically healthy.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

I think baggage is only excess when it is still present. Meaning if it’s a person, that person is still in the significant other’s life actively causing drama/trouble. If it’s a trauma of the past, it’s unresolved.

There are many people who come through traumatic events or have unhealthy family dynamics, deal with them, and go on to be emotionally and psychologically healthy.

Thank you 1ke!!!
AMEN…

So for all of you claiming that having an ‘ex’ is ‘baggage’ to you…that apparently means that an Decree of Nullity has no impact on whether or not you would consider that person acceptable to you?

Food for thought…

 

[ac_claire]

There are many people who come through traumatic events or have unhealthy family dynamics, deal with them, and go on to be emotionally and psychologically healthy.

Yeah I thought this same thing, especially seeing so many people put PAST history of drug/alchohol abuse as a deal-breaker. I don’t get that; I know many reformed addicts and sober alcholics who are excellent spouses and friends.

So with that one, I think it should be on a case by case basis.

 

[OLHope]

It only means it is a deal breaker for you or that specific poster. That’s ok. It is the people that do not learn from their past and continue to do them that bother most people.

I may not go for someone who is divorced, but that has the same effect as someone who I am dating who has not gotten over an ex, because their ex is on their mind all the time, and not me, and I realize I am this rebound that helps them try to move on and nothing more, they feel nothing for me. Its hurtful, and they have unresolved issues or never got closure, and they did wrongfully by bringing an innocent person into their lives to try and fix it, when they really had no good intentions with you the whole time.

 

[OLHope]

I think the definition of baggage will be more or less the same with everybody. For me it means

gobs of previous sexual partners
previous spouses
children out of wedlock
history of drug or alcohol abuse
large amounts of debt
somebody hung up on their ex

gobs of previous sexual partners - Ewww, same for me!
previous spouses - I agree, because I never had one, only looking for the same
children out of wedlock** - Actually I love kids, but I think if I were marry someone with kids, their children might feel resentment that the fathers love must shift or focus to me rather his children, this helps cause rifts in marriages like this, so I have to agree with this as well.**
history of drug or alcohol abuse -** I have to agree, I hate both of these myself.**
large amounts of debt - I spoke of this before, it would make me feel used, could be a huge indicator of irresponsibility.
somebody hung up on their ex - this can be just like not accepting someone for divorce, so I agree with this, also.

 

[OLHope]

*If I were single, I’d say these would be some areas I’d be concerned with, and probably would be deal breakers for marrying someone:

*someone who wasn’t over his ex
*criminal record (felonies, not one time DUI)
*multple ex spouses
*serious serious financial troubles
*addictions that could hinder my life
serious relationship problems with mother

Sharon, your comments are always appreciated.

 

[whatevergirl]

I think like 1ke also in the regard, that everyone has a past, and if the person has worked hard to live a better life, a changed life…that’s what is important. My ‘‘list’’ is based on if those issues would affect me, personally. Interesting perspectives of everyone!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Sometimes very decent holy people are divorced. And their expectations of marriage can often be rooted in reality rather than the stars and moonlight vision those who have never been married harbor. You could be getting someone who knows what’s important and what to ignore because they now have a long view those who have never married lack.

I find it funny that those who don’t want someone who was ever married before are also maybe eliminating the widow or widower from the pool of candidates… maybe someone who was a devoted and good spouse.

Which is fine, because it leaves some of these great people available for people like me. I’d rather be with someone who was married to a faithless woman who cheated on him and let cockroaches run over his dinner and spent all his money… how little work I’d have to do just being me to make him blissfully happy. And the same goes for me… I don’t expect perfection. Life has taught me a man who is sober, kind and patient and loves God would be just fine. If he was married to someone who didn’t appreciate him before I came along… so what.

Same with kids… sometimes you can learn a lot about someone by how they treat their kids.

Those first timers are basically buying a pig in a poke. People can say anything. But they have no track record to judge them by. They don’t yet know how hard marriage can be and how much mutual sacrifice it takes. You don’t know if you’re getting the kind who walks at the first sign of trouble or the kind who hangs in there till the last dog dies. People can say anything. You should have heard my xh talk about the way he would raise daughters. NOT at ALL the reality I’m observing now. But hey… he wasn’t divorced and didn’t have kids when I met him. Didn’t make him suitable. At least his next two fiancees could see how he ignored his kids and get a clue about his character…

Having said that…

My list based on painful experience:

MUST HAVE:

Demonstrable and healthy relationships with his own family
Complete integrity
Abiding fear of God and a mature, functioning and practicing religious life (preferably Catholic.)
Similar political views to my own (seen too many couples end up divided over that!)
Must be sane
No presence of alcohol and/or drug abuse
No sexual deviancy
Financial responsibility
Employment stability (indicates much)
Must have a plant, a hamster, a fish, a dog… something that indicates he’s responsible enough and attentive enough to keep something but himself alive.
Sense of humor, and not one that’s viciously pointed at everyone but himself
A set of decent friends of both genders of long duration (indicates much)
Manners
Generosity of spirit

A nice set of eyes and a nice smile would be icing on the cake.

Is that too much to ask, God?

Oh, wait… I was being positive.

Amending:

Excess baggage: What I don’t want:

Insanity
Loners
Felony convictions
Drug/alcohol abusers
Irresponsible money management
Someone with hostile kids (indicates other issues. Kids in and of themselves may be workable)
Someone who hates his own mother
Someone with an uneven work history (indicates maybe other problems)
Someone who has ever had a restraining order put on him by an ex
Someone with unrealistic images of women (based on porn or a skewed attitude in life)
Someone who doesn’t practice his faith
Porn addicts

 

[OLHope]

I do think it is only fair that if I have not married, not done riske behavior, not joined in behavior that produced a child, or have children who I must keep my love and focus on moreover than anyone else in the world…, that I look for those things as well in another man. I think because excess baggage means you term that with more stress than a relationship can handle when it has been broken before in other situations that the more innocent person in the relationship was never responsible for creating in the first place. If I marry into a relationship where he has a child or children, the mother of that child is around, and there are always complications that arise, and they are never handled tastefully by anything that I have witnessed. She won’t go away, the kids never go away. They are not supposed to. If the mother past away or moves far far away, then there will be instant control/listening issues with the kids. Many parents say, “now you do what _____ tells you to”…, I dont want to hear the “you’re not my mommy!” line if I have to discipline a child that already made their mind up on hating me. I have seen some really nasty mean things that broken families have had to trudge through.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

OLHope, you are right… broken families have to trudge through that. So do intact families. When you’re 24 you may have the luxury of wanting someone who has been unscathed by life, but after a certain age, it’s not realistic to expect there to be many people in your age group who have not been married and either divorced or widowed.

As a mother, I have not inflicted my dear teenagers on any hapless man. One of my kids asked why I never dated. I told the child that until my youngest was 18, I won’t. My kids deserve at least one parent to focus on them and their needs and they didn’t need me dragging my romantic life into their world.

Some have been very lucky to find really nice people to change their mind about that. Where I live right now that isn’t an option to find many unmarried like-minded people. But at my age, I don’t know if I’d want someone who had never been married or would favor someone who hadn’t over a widower or someone with an annulment and a really good reason for a divorce. It’s a man’s world. And if a man hasn’t gotten married by the time he’s in his 40s or 50s, there’s a reason. It may mean he’s spent 20 years in a submarine under the polar ice cap and now he’s a Navy Commander, which could be good. Or he did some years in the military and has spent the last 8 years in med school and now has time to look for a wife, which is good too. Barring that, it might mean he’s a commitment-phobe or has other issues or his standard of perfection for a spouse would be something I as a mere mortal could never live up to.

Past a certain age… you can’t insist someone was never married or you’re probably going to guarantee you will be alone the rest of your life too.

 

[OLHope]

I completely understand Ike and Libs stance as well. I believe you can go through arduous spiritual therapy, rejuvenation, and learning to get back on the right track, it does not mean it cannot happen for them again on a more faithful level.

For example, if I was anulled with a child, then at that point I would want to find a man in the same position who is in love with the church teachings and has a child as well, this way, we could get make the family connect a tad better with the same situation.

I remember one story of a woman who had a daughter with a boy she loved so much, but they were the worst control teen story ever. She went on to marry a man her family approved of(but she never liked him, did it out of obligation), but his whole big family had the nerve to insult her daughter and make snide/unwarranted comments about her in front of everyone, and that family claimed to be so Catholic, I was so very mad at them for treating this child like that. I never went there again. However he entered the marriage with no baggage, so this woman and her daughter felt they had to endure the abuse, because they looked like the problem. They would make shameful condescending comments to the woman, even though they loved her, but just so, to keep her in her place and let her know she’s the one who screwed up before, and they used it against her, and they treated her daughter like this severe mistake that plagued their lives. Saddest thing I ever saw.

So the annulment process is the best determinate to decipher whether a person is fit enough to endure marriage again. Anyone who is willing to go that extra mile in the wait time affiliated with annulments is very much understood in what they must do to make it work the next and only time around again.

 

[OLHope]

OLHope, you are right… broken families have to trudge through that. So do intact families. When you’re 24 you may have the luxury of wanting someone who has been unscathed by life, but after a certain age, it’s not realistic to expect there to be many people in your age group who have not been married and either divorced or widowed.

As a mother, I have not inflicted my dear teenagers on any hapless man. One of my kids asked why I never dated. I told the child that until my youngest was 18, I won’t. My kids deserve at least one parent to focus on them and their needs and they didn’t need me dragging my romantic life into their world.

Some have been very lucky to find really nice people to change their mind about that. Where I live right now that isn’t an option to find many unmarried like-minded people. But at my age, I don’t know if I’d want someone who had never been married or would favor someone who hadn’t over a widower or someone with an annulment and a really good reason for a divorce. It’s a man’s world. And if a man hasn’t gotten married by the time he’s in his 40s or 50s, there’s a reason. It may mean he’s spent 20 years in a submarine under the polar ice cap and now he’s a Navy Commander, which could be good. Or he did some years in the military and has spent the last 8 years in med school and now has time to look for a wife, which is good too. Barring that, it might mean he’s a commitment-phobe or has other issues or his standard of perfection for a spouse would be something I as a mere mortal could never live up to.

Past a certain age… you can’t insist someone was never married or you’re probably going to guarantee you will be alone the rest of your life too.

I agree with this. Cant dispute anything said here. Great points!

 

[OLHope]

Libs, love your lists!

Well thought out!

 

[1ke]

Perhaps what you are really looking for is a list of “must-haves” and “deal-breakers” and not “exceess baggage.”

Such a list is, by nature, specific to the person.

A smoker is a “deal-breaker” for me due to allergies.

But when I think of “excess baggage” I wouldn’t readily think “smoking.”

I think of particular people I know with odious relatives or the many people who post on here about the MIL from hell.

Or one particular friend of mine, who I am no longer friends with, who always had some tragedy happen at 2 a.m. for which she felt compelled to call me, crying. Hello, don’t call me at 2 a.m. because your cat got out and you can’t find him. Call me at 2 a.m. if you are in the hospital, jail, or kidnapped.

 

[dulcissima]

I’ve got my fair share of excess baggage. I’m just glad I met a man, who despite having far, far less baggage, cares about me enough to see me as a whole person and encourages me on when my baggage seems excessive. He’s always there to tell me that despite what grumbling teenagers tell me, that I am an amazing woman.

Today we are meeting to go ice skating with the kids. I like that he can appreciate time alone together, just the two of us, as well as time spent with the kids.

Yes, everyone has their lists of what they want and what they can deal with, but sometimes it might be a good idea to take an inventory of what it is that you have to offer. Perhaps you might find yourself in a position where you could lighten someone’s very heavy load and make it less burdensome.

 

[graceandglory]

MUST HAVE:
Must have a plant, a hamster, a fish, a dog… something that indicates he’s responsible enough and attentive enough to keep something but himself alive.

Wow. Hamsters, fish, and plants are WAY harder than raising humans. Just saying…