What would you do in this situation?

[yngives]

My sister has been dating a divorced protestant off and on for some time. She is Catholic and he is not. I have discussed with her in the the past the Church still considers him to be married until he would have an annulment and that she shouldn’t be dating him. From the way I understand it, technically it is adultery. My sister and family think that it is me being overly traditional, but I think that this is the correct view of the Church. From what I know of him he would never be interested in pursuing an annulment at anytime. Am I right in my understanding of the Church and dating divorced persons? Or is she free to date him.

I try to respect her and her freedom to make her own decisions. But I try not to give any sort of appearance that what I think they are doing is ok. They can do what they want but I don’t want to sin by encouraging their bad behavior. At Thanksgiving time they had recently gotten back together and she invited him to come to my house. I had my reservations about him coming #1 because of their situation and I don’t want to appear as if I condone it and #2 he treats her badly and I wouldn’t like him dating her even if he was free to date. I told her he could come but he refused because he said he knows I don’t like him. I have never been unkind to him, I have simply have made it clear where I stand about their relationship and his treatment of her. I feel that he was being very manipulative by not coming. Well now this week my family basically tried to invite Christmas from being celebrated at my house because my sister wants to have it at her house because he refuses to come to mine. I have mainly been the coordinator and/or hostess of Christmas for a long time because of my parents divorce. My sister has never hosted any holiday and only wants to do so because of his wishes. They don’t seem to understand why I would even be upset and seem to think that I should just have let my sister host without question one week before Christmas.

Am I totally out of line here? What is my Catholic responsibility here? I feel like I am trying to be manipulated into accepting something that wrong. Any advice. If there is a way I could handle this better and in a more Christian matter please let me know.

 

[Xantippe]

“My sister has never hosted any holiday and only wants to do so because of his wishes. They don’t seem to understand why I would even be upset and seem to think that I should just have let my sister host without question one week before Christmas.”

One week is cutting it pretty close, but it’s not absolutely ridiculous. I think I’d make everybody swear on a stack of Bibles that in future, Christmas plans will be finalized no later than Thanksgiving.

Enjoy the break and be a good guest. You’re not doing wrong by celebrating Christmas at your sister’s home.

And don’t let this guy destroy your relationship with your sister.

 

[LongingSoul]

Am I totally out of line here? What is my Catholic responsibility here? I feel like I am trying to be manipulated into accepting something that wrong. Any advice. If there is a way I could handle this better and in a more Christian matter please let me know.

Here’s a thing I’ve learned through my life with family and their partners. People can seem unpleasant and unsuitable when they first come into your families life… but everyone has the capacity to grow and mature especially in the presence of patience, kindness and non-judgement. Now that doesn’t mean you have to approve of the sinful behaviour and it is very good that you’ve given and will give your sister the correct Catholic teaching here for her to contemplate. Afterall, he most likely doesn’t think it’s a sin and it is up to her to teach and lead him. But you don’t need to approach every meeting up with an attitude of aloof disapproval. A big part of our anxiety with people dating our siblings, is that this person will change the family dynamic and make it worse but we have to be hopeful and expect that all will be good eventually and demonstrate our catholic spirit in everything we do and say, equally correcting and affirming. That attitude should inform our regard for the person.

At the end of the day, we have to accept the partners our siblings fall in love with and marry. I’ve found that the family dynamic has been enriched unexpectedly by the adding of the motley crew we have all married. In fact of the four ‘interlopers’, only my husband was a Catholic. The other three… one by one… went through RCIA and converted. We all get along brilliantly (so long as we don’t talk politics). Happy days.

 

[agnes_therese]

My sister has been dating a divorced protestant off and on for some time. She is Catholic and he is not. I have discussed with her in the the past the Church still considers him to be married until he would have an annulment and that she shouldn’t be dating him. From the way I understand it, technically it is adultery.

She should not be dating him, no, but unless the relationship is sexual, I wouldn’t go so far as to call it adultery.

She is your sister. You’ve made your feelings plain, but don’t take it so far that she thinks it’s her you have a problem with, rather than her actions.

And good grief, enjoy having a Christmas dinner off!

 

[acadiANNA]

In my family, it is not where the dinner is served, it is that we are all together. A change at the last minute may be an inconvenience, but we always make the most of what we have and handle it from there. Doing this for the convenience of the boyfriend seems a bit imposing, but if everyone agrees to it, I guess it’s ok. You can bring the gathering back to your house next year. I know it’s disappointing when you have planned it, but if your sister is willing to do it, you can be of great help to her. My sister and I work together on parties and such at my house–she even takes orders from me. But it ends up lovely. I would try to get over the disappointment. Also, be prepared if anything changes again, like on Christmas morning.

 

[Anglewannabe]

. Am I right in my understanding of the Church and dating divorced persons?

Yes, dating a divorced person is putting yourself in the occasion of sin.

And I know that it really hurts when you plan a dinner at your place and everyone at the last minute decides to have supper somewhere else. I would be offended by it as well.

However, even though you have never been unkind to the boyfriend, making it clear you think the relationship is sinful and you do not like his treatment of her will make him want to avoid you like the plague. I have yet to meet a grown man who says to his girlfriends sister ‘I will change and do things your way’.

Sadly, I think it is just one of those situation where you and the BF will never see eye to eye and will require a lot of patience and biting your tongue if you want to have family functions where everyone is around

 

[yngives]

My dislike for him not only has to do with him being divorced. He is also verbally abusive, he has cheated on her and I have good reason to suspect he is physically abusive, as well. Every part of me cringes when I have to be around him. Many in my family secretly dislike him and talk about him behind my sisters back. I am pretty much the only one who be honest and say something directly to her, so I feel as I am being singled out.

 

[Anglewannabe]

My dislike for him not only has to do with him being divorced. He is also verbally abusive, he has cheated on her and I have good reason to suspect he is physically abusive, as well. Every part of me cringes when I have to be around him. Many in my family secretly dislike him and talk about him behind my sisters back. I am pretty much the only one who be honest and say something directly to her, so I feel as I am being singled out.

So if I understand correctly, the issue is not the last minute cancelling out of going to your place half as much as you seem to be the only person who is strong enough to speak up. And yes, I can sympathize. It drives me nuts when people talk behind someone’s back and when I say it to their face, everyone else who agrees with me behind their back, takes their side to their face.

Following Christ is always hard and it is very lonely to do the right thing. Whether or not you go to your sister’s for Christmas supper and how much time you spend around her boyfriend is 100% your decisions. I suggest praying to God for guidance.

However, I do have to warn you that if your sister is trapped into believing her abusive boyfriend is not doing anything wrong, it will be VERY hard to get her to see the truth. It is like being an alcoholic, the denial is really thick and it is not until she has had enough of him will she leave.

Angie