What would you do in this Situation?

[Truth_Faith13]

Apologies for the vagueness of the background information, it’s a long complicated story spanning several years, I am still in shock at the idiocy of it all and I don’t want to put too much information on the internet.

Basically there has been an “issue” and I have decided to lose contact with 3 of my extended relatives. This in itself was an easy decision and when I made it, I finally felt peaceful (it’s amazing how some people can drain you). I have never thought if people as being poisonous but they are. If they ever apologise (they won’t) I will forgive them and accept their apology, I will hold no grudges…I just don’t want them in my life or any future kids lives more importantly.

There are kids involved (in the situation not the issue)…my first cousins and children of the above relatives, all much younger than me (under 16)…and while we have never been close, for the last few years I have sent them gifts at Christmas, Birthdays etc separate to my parents. Now I’m in this situation where I probably won’t see them again. I in no way attribute their parents personality/actions to them, they have not been involved and shouldn’t be but part of me feels as though it will be two faced to carry on sending them presents? Part of me just wants to completely forget about the whole thing and having to send presents will just bring the feelings all flooding back. Part of me thinks it will be dragging them into it and it’s not fair.

What would you do?

Carry on sending presents until they are 16, 18, 21?
Stop sending gifts as it’s two faced?

 

[CradleJourney]

There are kids involved (in the situation not the issue)…my first cousins and children of the above relatives, all much younger than me (under 16)…and while we have never been close, for the last few years I have sent them gifts at Christmas, Birthdays etc separate to my parents. Now I’m in this situation where I probably won’t see them again.** I in no way attribute their parents personality/actions to them, they have not been involved **and shouldn’t be but part of me feels as though it will be two faced to carry on sending them presents? Part of me just wants to completely forget about the whole thing and having to send presents will just bring the feelings all flooding back. Part of me thinks it will be dragging them into it and it’s not fair.

What would you do?

Carry on sending presents until they are 16, 18, 21?
Stop sending gifts as it’s two faced?

(Bold mine)

This is the part that struck me as my initial reaction - a child looks forward to their bday knowing they always get something in the mail from relative X (you) - then suddenly they don’t. To me that would be a shame and perpetuate the bad feelings.

Now, should you have to send gifts in perpetuity? Nah, I’d just shrink the gifts as they age, till they are getting gift cards at age 10 or so, and phase it out by age 16 (unless you have developed personal correspondence with them by then.

That said, you certainly shouldn’t send anything if you’re not receiving any thank you notes (or emails), if it puts a strain on you financially, or if there’s reasonable potential for additional younger siblings to be added to these children since you may not know and then you have a case where big brother or sister is getting a card/gift but little one is not.

JMO.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

(Bold mine)

This is the part that struck me as my initial reaction - a child looks forward to their bday knowing they always get something in the mail from relative X (you) - then suddenly they don’t. To me that would be a shame and perpetuate the bad feelings.

Now, should you have to send gifts in perpetuity? Nah, I’d just shrink the gifts as they age, till they are getting gift cards at age 10 or so, and phase it out by age 16 (unless you have developed personal correspondence with them by then.

That said, you certainly shouldn’t send anything if you’re not receiving any thank you notes (or emails), if it puts a strain on you financially, or if there’s reasonable potential for additional younger siblings to be added to these children since you may not know and then you have a case where big brother or sister is getting a card/gift but little one is not.

JMO.

No there won’t be any more kids, their mum got her tubes tied after the last one. There won’t be any personal correspondence, they don’t even like me (or my family).

I’ve only ever sent them money in a card anyway as I remember the bizarre gifts I would get as a child from relatives I never really saw. I would rather them choose something for themselves. Thanks for the advice, I think ill do that and phase it out at 16.

 

[Cricket2]

I would suggest you phase out by the age of 12. And if you are not receiving any letters or thank-yous stop now. It sounds as if you have done what you can, and it may be just as well to cut all ties completely.

My grandmother always had something to offer her great grandchildren. But they stopped coming to the house as they got older and despite the fact that she could not get out often due to illness and age. She finally stopped getting them cards. (She used cash or gift cards too, as she figured kids likes so spend their own money.)

It was sad for her as she loved having great grandchildren, but they didn’t care enough, and apparently their own parents didn’t care enough to stop by even once a year. Grandma asked me if it was OK to just stop giving them things and I said yes. I felt it was better. I think you would probably find this a “cleaner” way to break ties.

 

[KD8TZC]

I will just add this… look at today’s Gospel and read what it says. It is a hard lesson to follow at times, and I know I struggle with it. I too have family members who I really don’t like, but what Jesus tells us to do is much different than what you and I want to do.

Mt 5:45 - 48

Jesus said to his disciples:
“You have heard that it was said,
You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.
But I say to you, love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you,
that you may be children of your heavenly Father,
for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good,
and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.
For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have?
Do not the tax collectors do the same?
And if you greet your brothers only,
what is unusual about that?
Do not the pagans do the same?
So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

YBIC - John

 

[Qaletaqa]

my situation is on similar lines i converted to Catholic Church at Easter 2014 and my son was baptised on the 1st June and his 1st birthday was on the 15th June, he got nothing from my so called family nothing for his baptism they didn’t even turn up for that when they said they would, Not to sure whats the reason, maybe due to the fact my son doesn’t have a father on his birth certificate (pregnancy happened as a reason of a bad event) Because we are catholic and most of my family are either Church of England or Atheist etc, three members of my family come to his baptism, over 40 come to my daughter when she was Baptised C of E she also got money and gifts and no one forgets her birthday.

Im not to sure what to do in this situation i either put up with it and hope that it changes before my son starts to notice or walk away and not have contact with them, which is opposite to what the bible says about loving your enemy,

 

[Truth_Faith13]

I will just add this… look at today’s Gospel and read what it says. It is a hard lesson to follow at times, and I know I struggle with it. I too have family members who I really don’t like, but what Jesus tells us to do is much different than what you and I want to do.

Mt 5:45 - 48

Jesus said to his disciples:
“You have heard that it was said,
You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.
But I say to you, love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you,
that you may be children of your heavenly Father,
for he makes his sun rise on the bad and the good,
and causes rain to fall on the just and the unjust.
For if you love those who love you, what recompense will you have?
Do not the tax collectors do the same?
And if you greet your brothers only,
what is unusual about that?
Do not the pagans do the same?
So be perfect, just as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

YBIC - John

I came to the conclusion that I can love my enemy without going out of my way to see them. Sure if I happen to bump into them, I will be courteous, but as for deliberately inviting them over and having tea…definitely not.

It is a hard lesson, I have so much anger at them for what they have done, most of which I release boxing with my personal trainer the hardest thing I did was send several really nice apology emails even though I haven’t done anything saying let’s meet up and discuss this…what I received back wasn’t just a rejection of the olive branch but venom and malice.

 

[Truth_Faith13]

my situation is on similar lines i converted to Catholic Church at Easter 2014 and my son was baptised on the 1st June and his 1st birthday was on the 15th June, he got nothing from my so called family nothing for his baptism they didn’t even turn up for that when they said they would, Not to sure whats the reason, maybe due to the fact my son doesn’t have a father on his birth certificate (pregnancy happened as a reason of a bad event) Because we are catholic and most of my family are either Church of England or Atheist etc, three members of my family come to his baptism, over 40 come to my daughter when she was Baptised C of E she also got money and gifts and no one forgets her birthday.

Im not to sure what to do in this situation i either put up with it and hope that it changes before my son starts to notice or walk away and not have contact with them, which is opposite to what the bible says about loving your enemy,

In your situation, I think I would contact them and say “you either treat the kids equally or don’t send them presents at all.”

You could wait until after your daughters next birthday just to make sure they haven’t already stopped sending presents completely.

 

[Qaletaqa]

I think thats probably the best way forward, my daughter’s birthday will be next year, lets see what Christmas is like

 

[Truth_Faith13]

I would guess there is a high degree of probability that these children are not even getting your cards or money.

If I had a distant relative that I was not speaking to, that we had 100% cut off all ties and that was it; you had better believe it that I would be intercepting any and all cards that come in the mail from that person.

As a parent I would never hand a card over to my minor child that came from someone that I couldn’t stand to be in a room with! I know that the error in your relationship came from their end, however I am trying to put myself in these parents shoes. I have a hard time picturing that these young children are opening your beautiful card with the money, and their parents are standing by and saying “Isn’t that wonderful, how nice that she remembers you and sends a gift!” I could be wrong, and it would be nice if I am, but I think it is something to consider.

Sorry you are going through this, God bless.

I’d not even considered that perspective. Thank you.

 

[mountee]

This is a difficult situation due to the children but I think that you have no real reason to continue sending anything in this situation. Hopefully that does not sound mean or cruel it just reflects the reality of the situation. There is no reason you can not continue to pray for them as often as you can, and maintain an open heart in the event the relatives decide to straighten things out.

 

[Xantippe]

I would guess there is a high degree of probability that these children are not even getting your cards or money.

If I had a distant relative that I was not speaking to, that we had 100% cut off all ties and that was it; you had better believe it that I would be intercepting any and all cards that come in the mail from that person.

As a parent I would never hand a card over to my minor child that came from someone that I couldn’t stand to be in a room with! I know that the error in your relationship came from their end, however I am trying to put myself in these parents shoes. I have a hard time picturing that these young children are opening your beautiful card with the money, and their parents are standing by and saying “Isn’t that wonderful, how nice that she remembers you and sends a gift!” I could be wrong, and it would be nice if I am, but I think it is something to consider.

Sorry you are going through this, God bless.

Monicad is quite right.

My kids get cash gifts from their grandparents, but even being on very good terms, I just show the kids the card, read them the message, and then dole out maybe 20% of the cash to the kids and put the rest toward a family trip or a long-anticipated gift for the kids. That’s normal.

 

[KD8TZC]

I came to the conclusion that I can love my enemy without going out of my way to see them. Sure if I happen to bump into them, I will be courteous, but as for deliberately inviting them over and having tea…definitely not.

It is a hard lesson, I have so much anger at them for what they have done, most of which I release boxing with my personal trainer the hardest thing I did was send several really nice apology emails even though I haven’t done anything saying let’s meet up and discuss this…what I received back wasn’t just a rejection of the olive branch but venom and malice.

Yes, you can love them without seeing them. Remember, I don’t believe Jesus says we have to like them but we have to love them… we are all children of God.

I know for me, with the people who I don’t see eye to eye with I always say a prayer for them each morning for something I would like in my life. A good choice for me was praying for them to have peace and serenity in their hearts as I would like to have in mine. I find that after saying that prayer each morning for a period of days, or possibly weeks or months, eventually, I have released that resentment or whatever it may be and I no longer have that demon haunting me and I am a much happier and freer person.

YBIC - John

 

[Allegra]

I have two nieces anda nephew from a sister who no longer sees my family. I’m not the subject of her disdain, but she has decided she no longer wants to see our parents or grandmother and it isn’t worth her time to have a relationship with me as an indiviidual. I’ve only seen the kids twice in the past four years. I doubt the younger two would even remember me. What I’ve done is send a gift card for Chuck E Cheese at Christmas rather than seperate gifts. I haven’t sent birthdays gifts.