What would you do?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Elzee
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Elzee said:
Thank you all for the advice. I’ll pass it on. I guess what bothers me, too, is the disrespect the girl and her fiance are showing . She knows how her mom feels, but is selfishly putting herself first, in her MOM’s house. At 28 years old, I would hope for something more.
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The girl shows disrespect because the mother is so weak. Both are wrong.
 
A friend’s dilemma :Let her engaged daughter and her fiance sleep together in her house over the holidays when they come to visit or risk making him mad enough where it puts a strain on her relationship with him and her daughter.
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Elzee said:
Thank you all for the advice. I’ll pass it on. I guess what bothers me, too, is the disrespect the girl and her fiance are showing . She knows how her mom feels, but is selfishly putting herself first, in her MOM’s house. At 28 years old, I would hope for something more.
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At 28, they should know proper manners for being guests in someone’s home. If they want to sleep together when visiting family over the holidays, hotels and motels no longer restrict non-married persons from renting a room together overnight. One’s childhood home is not a hotel–yet even hotels which try to accommodate their customers, set room assignments and establish some rules which their guests must follow.

What concerns me most about the way you worded the original post is that the mom is worried she risks “making him mad”. That seems odd because people who are engaged are usually on their “best behavior” around future in-laws. Has this man given your friend any other reasons to suspect he’d get mad enough to strain her relationship with her daughter and him over this? Is this a realistic fear because her daughter’s fiancé is known to be a jerk? OR are there already issues with the daughter, which the second post seems to indicate? If your friend’s daughter gets angry over this, your friend should be careful that she doesn’t blame her future son-in-law for choices and behavior of her adult daughter.
 
Elzee said:
Thank you all for the advice. I’ll pass it on. I guess what bothers me, too, is the disrespect the girl and her fiance are showing . She knows how her mom feels, but is selfishly putting herself first, in her MOM’s house. At 28 years old, I would hope for something more.
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If her mother allows it, then I don’t see why they can’t sleep together. Yeah, I get that this is a Catholic forum and pre-marital sex is forbidden. OK, but let us be real for a minute here. Right or wrong, there are a number of couples (Catholic or not) who sleep in the same bed before marriage and/or are sexually active.
 
Graceful_Lamb said:
If her mother allows it, then I don’t see why they can’t sleep together. Yeah, I get that this is a Catholic forum and pre-marital sex is forbidden. OK, but let us be real for a minute here. Right or wrong, there are a number of couples (Catholic or not) who sleep in the same bed before marriage and/or are sexually active.
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That must make it okay, then. :rolleyes:
 
Elzee said:
A friend’s dilemma :Let her engaged daughter and her fiance sleep together in her house over the holidays when they come to visit or** risk making him mad enough where it puts a strain on her relationship with him and her daughter**.
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Seriously??? The fact that the fiancé expects to sleep in the same room in the mother’s house means the FIANCE has put the strain on the relationship.

It sounds to me like this woman has never had a backbone and has let her daughter get away with a lot and now she is exploding. I mean after all, they are engaged, is this REALLY the time to start imposing morals?
 
Graceful_Lamb said:
I didn’t say it was okay for unmarried people to sleep together. I’m commenting that there are people that do sleep together before marriage.
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You said, "“If her mother allows it, then I don’t see why they can’t sleep together.” The reason would be, because it’s wrong. When I was in college I had a friend whose parents let us drink and drive. If we got falling down drunk at their house, they were right there at the door at the end of the night handing us our keys. If we were heading out from their house for a night on the town, they’d buy us alcohol knowing full well that we’d be drinking and driving (we were all underage at the time so they kind of had to buy it for us, so there’s that, too). They allowed it, so I don’t see why we shouldn’t have been allowed to drink and drive.
 
Elzee said:
Thank you all for the advice. I’ll pass it on. I guess what bothers me, too, is the disrespect the girl and her fiance are showing . She knows how her mom feels, but is selfishly putting herself first, in her MOM’s house. At 28 years old, I would hope for something more.
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When I was younger-my parents had a riduclously early curfew for me-10:00 and I was 23. My soon to be husband told me to respect my parents and not get mad about it-it was not a problem for him.

The fiancee should tell her to respect her families rules if she has issues. That’s what a good man would do and say.

Since they are already living together-what is a few days–is it that important really to make such a rebellious point?
 
Gordon_Sims said:
That must make it okay, then. :rolleyes:
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Doesn’t make it OK. I retract my statement that it is okay for them to sleep together if the mother allows it. I cannot edit my post, so the retraction is,all I can do.
 
mommy_k said:
When I was younger-my parents had a riduclously early curfew for me-10:00 and I was 23. My soon to be husband told me to respect my parents and not get mad about it-it was not a problem for him.

The fiancee should tell her to respect her families rules if she has issues. That’s what a good man would do and say.

Since they are already living together-what is a few days–is it that important really to make such a rebellious point?
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I agree. Abide by the house rules. A few days won’t kill them.
 
It’s my house and I set the rules. He sleeps in the spare bedroom in the basement, she sleeps upstairs in the room next to mine. They need to have some respect for how I feel in my house and I don’t care what the result in our relationship could be.
 
Adonia said:
It’s my house and I set the rules. He sleeps in the spare bedroom in the basement, she sleeps upstairs in the room next to mine. They need to have some respect for how I feel in my house and I don’t care what the result in our relationship could be.
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I agree that it is your house, your rules and they can sleep in separate rooms at your house. However, as for not caring as to the result in your relationship, that sounds a little harsh. I’m not saying you should cave because of it. Not at all.

But, I would think that as a parent, you would be a little concerned about what the fall out in your relationship with your daughter could be. It just sounds cold and uncaring.

Then maybe they could stay at a hotel, or you go visit them.
 
So if the mom let this happen before-this is what to say:

Honey, I know I let you stay in the same room before-but I have been thinking about it-and it was a mistake and it makes me uncomfortable. So when you come this time, I will set up two rooms for you guys. It may seem silly to you, but it’s important to me-so thanks for understanding.
 
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