What's a good reason to avoid having kids?

[AlieMarie728]

From what I know, Church teaching is that a couple has to have a good reason to actively avoid having children, but what qualifies as a “good reason”? Is being in school an acceptable reason, or if both would-be parents work nights, or what?

 

[nodito]

Hi AlieMarie,

Welcome to CAF! Yours is a good question, one that I’ve thought about myself. The Church does not have an official list of acceptable reasons for postponing pregnancy within marriage.

Here is what Humanae Vitae has written about it:

With regard to physical, economic, psychological and social conditions, responsible parenthood is exercised by those who prudently and generously decide to have more children, and by those who, for serious reasons and with due respect to moral precepts, decide not to have additional children for either a certain or an indefinite period of time.

So we know that reaons must be “serious” and that they may take into account a couple’s “physical, economic, psychological and social conditions.” I think it’s important for couples to remember that marriage is a call to holiness and that couples should practice selflessness.

From a practical standpoint, what does this mean? I think there are some reasons that would be universally accepted as serious enough to postpone children which would include things like health concerns, serious financial difficulties, mental health issues, etc. On the other hand, I think most people would agree that postponing pregnancy so you won’t be pregnant on an upcoming cruise, for example, would not be a serious reason. In my opinion, school and work could be potentially good reasons, but it would depend on the circumstances and I wouldn’t feel comfortable making a blanket statement like “all couples currently attending college have valid reasons to postpone pregnancy.”

There is an article I really like and have found helpful about this topic by Kathleen Van Schaijik at Franciscan University. She has a lot of worthwhile things to say about abusing NFP, but here is the passage that you might find most relevenant.

To the question: “When is it good to practice NFP?” There is only one perfectly true answer. It is this: “When love calls for it.”

Love is the meaning of life; the meaning of marriage; the meaning of human sexuality. It is (or should be), both explicitly and implicitly, the source and reference point for all our acts and judgments within marriage.

If a man notices that his wife is exhausted and overwhelmed, it is love in him to suppress his desire to embrace her sexually. (To insist on his “conjugal rights” at such a time would be an act of unlove.) Or, if a woman sees that her husband is being crushed by a too-heavy weight of responsibility, then it is love in her to put aside her longing to have another baby, and wait patiently for a better time. Or, if devoted parents notice that their children are suffering from too little attention, then they may, out of love, discipline their desires in order to be better able to attend to their education. Or, if a husband recognizes in his wife an extraordinary vocation—to teach, say, or to law—then he may, out of love, urge her to complete her studies before the duties of motherhood become consuming, so that when the call comes to use those gifts, she will be ready.

God bless.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Take your list of reasons and then apply “But, God will provide”. Throw out 80% of your reasons.

If “God will provide” does not make sense to you, or it makes you angry…then you need to work on yourself a little (or a lot). I’m not going to suggest that I know why most fertile-age catholics only have 2 kids. But certainly finances and time are in short supply for a lot of people and those are 2 important things to have squared away before having kids makes sense. Either squared away like: I am financially secure, and I have enough free time" or “I wish I had more money and free time, but what the heck?!?” If you wait until you think you are ready to have kids, you’ll never have kids!

 

[JackieMom]

Hi AlieMarie,

Welcome to CAF! Yours is a good question, one that I’ve thought about myself. The Church does not have an official list of acceptable reasons for postponing pregnancy within marriage.

Here is what Humanae Vitae has written about it:

So we know that reaons must be “serious” and that they may take into account a couple’s “physical, economic, psychological and social conditions.” I think it’s important for couples to remember that marriage is a call to holiness and that couples should practice selflessness.

From a practical standpoint, what does this mean? I think there are some reasons that would be universally accepted as serious enough to postpone children which would include things like health concerns, serious financial difficulties, mental health issues, etc. On the other hand, I think most people would agree that postponing pregnancy so you won’t be pregnant on an upcoming cruise, for example, would not be a serious reason. In my opinion, school and work could be potentially good reasons, but it would depend on the circumstances and I wouldn’t feel comfortable making a blanket statement like “all couples currently attending college have valid reasons to postpone pregnancy.”

There is an article I really like and have found helpful about this topic by Kathleen Van Schaijik at Franciscan University. She has a lot of worthwhile things to say about abusing NFP, but here is the passage that you might find most relevenant.

God bless.

How funny. I think avoiding a pregnancy so that one could enjoy one’s hard-earned vacation or long-anticipated romantic getaway is perfectly legitimate. In fact, I have avoided for almost exactly this reason (so I would not be hung over a toilet for Christmas vacation, so I would not be 8 or 9 months pregnant at my brother’s wedding and possibly have to miss it…)

And this is why we simply cannot speculate on what any given couple determines is a “good reason” to avoid pregnancy. The Church gives us NFP and a little direction on how to use it. We could come up with infinity scenarios that one person would argue are “good” reasons and another would argue are “bad.”

Having a baby is a wonderful thing, but we’re not asked to become pregnant at every opportunity until menopause. Each couple uses their prudential judgment to determine if it’s time for another pregnancy or not. If in the couple’s heart they determine a pregnancy is not prudent, then that’s what is “serious” for them.

 

[1love]

A grave reason for one couple could be a frivolous reason for another.

There are some great examples of this in this blog post.

Here is the sample from the blog that seems to apply most strongly to the OP’s question:

…we could say, “Severe economic instability is a good reason to postpone pregnancy.” But…

• Woman A grew up deathly poor, and fully expected to die before she hit age 40. Her husband is disabled and often out of work, and sometimes they have to scramble for the rent on their tiny house — but this is routine and tolerable for them, and causes no turmoil. With help from friends and government programs, they are raising happy, healthy children on $25,000 a year.
• Woman B grew up wealthy, has always generously endowed Crisis Pregnancy Centers in her town, and always hoped to have a large family of her own. But a catastrophe struck, she went bankrupt, and has to sell everything and move into a tiny house and live on $25,000 a year. They’re still reeling from the shock of what their life has become, and are trying to learn how to accept help, rather than giving it.
• Woman C lives a tiny house and live on $25,000 a year, which her husband manages thriftily, so no one is deprived. But she makes him sleep on the couch until he agrees to quit his job at the library so he can make more money and they can catch up with their fancy friends next door, who go to Rio every March.
• Woman D recently quit her high-paying job so she can stay home and have babies. They now live on her husband’s salary of $25,000 a year and can hardly wait to fill their tiny new house with children.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

I think the bottom line is NFP is morally neutral because you aren’t using any artificial methods to avoid pregnancy. The serious reasons are left someone up to the opinion of the couple. Both being in night classes could be a pretty legit reason because it’s not easily possible to continue your classes and parent a newborn child. The mental state of both parents could even be legit. If they have had 3 children relatively close together, it could potentially push a parent to an emotional breakdown to have another child…depending on that person’s temperament.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

A grave reason for one couple could be a frivolous reason for another.

There are some great examples of this in this blog post.

Here is the sample from the blog that seems to apply most strongly to the OP’s question:

This is very true. Different people have very different temperaments and tolerance levels for living conditions.

 

[lonelypetunia]

Would knowing one wouldn’t be a good parent be a good reason?

I’m not being flippant, I think it’s a valid concern of some people. I don’t think I would be a good parent. I am impatient and a neat freak, I also need calm and quiet. Also, I get stressed at chaos, some handle just fine. It drives me batty. Children can be like a tornado…

 

[WingsOfEagles]

Would knowing one wouldn’t be a good parent be a good reason?

I’m not being flippant, I think it’s a valid concern of some people. I don’t think I would be a good parent. I am impatient and a neat freak, I also need calm and quiet. Also, I get stressed at chaos, some handle just fine. It drives me batty. Children can be like a tornado…

It could be. As well, as I believe you mentioned on another post that you are already in your 40s, so “older” as far as motherhood is concerned. However, the Catholic Church would say that using NFP is the only option and leave the rest up to God. If he has other plans, so be it.

 

[lonelypetunia]

It could be. As well, as I believe you mentioned on another post that you are already in your 40s, so “older” as far as motherhood is concerned. However, the Catholic Church would say that using NFP is the only option and leave the rest up to God. If he has other plans, so be it.

I’m in that ball park… Medically speaking I am considered advanced maternal age though. I celebrate my 29th birthday every year for the past umm few years.

I have a good friend who is having a baby at 43, she is already a grandma. Her grandbaby will have an aunt or uncle younger then them.

I think what frightened me was I thought that ship had sailed, then I met someone who marriage might be possible. So it’s something we’ve had to have discussion on. We know what’s right for us and in reality that’s not having children.

 

[lonelypetunia]

Oh and I met someone recently who had a baby at 45…

 

[Usige]

Would knowing one wouldn’t be a good parent be a good reason?

I’m not being flippant, I think it’s a valid concern of some people. I don’t think I would be a good parent. I am impatient and a neat freak, I also need calm and quiet. Also, I get stressed at chaos, some handle just fine. It drives me batty. Children can be like a tornado…

From a purely Catholic standpoint disliking kids is not nescisarily a good reason. Taken with your other post that you or your future spouse would seek sterilization it is unlikely you could enter into a valid marriage. A permanent intention against children is basically a disqualifier for marriage. This is obviously taken purely from a Catholic perspective.

 

[lonelypetunia]

OH I don’t dislike kids. I’m the fun aunt!! I get all the fun and none of the mess. I’m the aunt who lets them eat ice cream for dinner, jump on the furniture, I buy them their absolute favorite presents, however, I get to leave!

I don’t have to deal with correcting them, cleaning up after them, and when I’ve had enough of the kid time, I go home.

I love my niece and nephew dearly and with all my hear, I know they adore met. Once again i get to leave and go to my quiet, clean house.

 

[lonelypetunia]

From a purely Catholic standpoint disliking kids is not nescisarily a good reason. Taken with your other post that you or your future spouse would seek sterilization it is unlikely you could enter into a valid marriage. A permanent intention against children is basically a disqualifier for marriage. This is obviously taken purely from a Catholic perspective.

I don’t dislike kids. You are correct me or my future spouse if we marry would almost certainly undergo sterilization. We felt we would not be good parents at this stage in our lives. In honesty we both felt it would be irresponsible to have children knowing we aren’t the mommy daddy types. We feel children deserve better parents then we would be.

 

[VivienneJ]

Would knowing one wouldn’t be a good parent be a good reason?

I’m not being flippant, I think it’s a valid concern of some people. I don’t think I would be a good parent. I am impatient and a neat freak, I also need calm and quiet. Also, I get stressed at chaos, some handle just fine. It drives me batty. Children can be like a tornado…

Lonelypetunia, until I read the age bit, you could have been describing my younger daughter, certainly in the part I bolded up there. Her four children (see my signature) are certainly tornadoes going through her home and life, well, really only three of them the baby is only 3 months old so I can’t really ‘blame’ her for the tornado status. I am constantly amazed at the way my impatient, etc daughter copes with the chaos her children have brought to her life.

I’m in that ball park… Medically speaking I am considered advanced maternal age though. I celebrate my 29th birthday every year for the past umm few years.

I have a good friend who is having a baby at 43, she is already a grandma. Her grandbaby will have an aunt or uncle younger then them.

I think what frightened me was I thought that ship had sailed, then I met someone who marriage might be possible. So it’s something we’ve had to have discussion on. We know what’s right for us and in reality that’s not having children.

If it should be that God indeed calls you to motherhood, cast yourself on Him for help; He will give it. I conceived my second before I thought I was ready for it, then threatened to miscarry her within hours of having the pregnancy confirmed (in fact everyone, myself included, was sure I had miscarried, I still recall my in-credulousness when the ultra-sound technician showed me my baby and the moving line that indicated the beating heart). When I knew this was a definite pregnancy I was both delighted and dismayed. Talked to God about it and asked for His help - He gave it.

 

[1love]

Would knowing one wouldn’t be a good parent be a good reason?

I’m not being flippant, I think it’s a valid concern of some people. I don’t think I would be a good parent. I am impatient and a neat freak, I also need calm and quiet. Also, I get stressed at chaos, some handle just fine. It drives me batty. Children can be like a tornado…

I actually laughed out loud a little bit at this. Not because I think it’s a flippant question, but because I basically grew up as an only child because my sister and I have so many years between us, and we were both bookish and quiet. Now I am the mother of seven in a small house and I have 12 young nieces and nephews. Our family gatherings are LOUD and I still haven’t gotten used to it; maybe I never will. I don’t think that is a grave reason, though, in seriousness. Where would one draw the line? I still don’t think I’m a great parent, though my kids and husband assure otherwise, and some people might never hit that point where they think they’re ready. I hope that makes sense.

Also, I don’t think the word “like” is necessary. Children ARE tornadoes.

 

[nodito]

And this is why we simply cannot speculate on what any given couple determines is a “good reason” to avoid pregnancy. The Church gives us NFP and a little direction on how to use it. We could come up with infinity scenarios that one person would argue are “good” reasons and another would argue are “bad.”

This is true. And I would certainly never advocate judging another couple’s motives. I’m curious, JackieMom, what example would you give to someone as a hypothetical example of a trivial reason to postpone pregnancy?

 

[JackieMom]

This is true. And I would certainly never advocate judging another couple’s motives. I’m curious, JackieMom, what example would you give to someone as a hypothetical example of a trivial reason to postpone pregnancy?

I am not sure I can answer. I think NFP is fine to use for whatever the couple deems a good reason. NFP is hard work, so I figure anyone using it to avoid has their reasons. If they were just disregarding Church teaching/being selfish, they’d use contraception.

 

[MomtoEandM]

I am not sure I can answer. I think NFP is fine to use for whatever the couple deems a good reason. NFP is hard work, so I figure anyone using it to avoid has their reasons. If they were just disregarding Church teaching/being selfish, they’d use contraception.

The cruise example really hit home for me. I definitely wouldn’t consider it trivial. Cruise lines will not let you sail once you are past 24 weeks pregnant. They will turn you away if you try to board when visibly pregnant, unless you have a doctor’s note stating you are less than 24 weeks. Luckily, I ended up being five weeks pregnant when we went on a cruise in 2011. We had saved for two years to go on that cruise, and my older daughter had been counting down the days. If we had to cancel, we would have lost a substantial amount of money, and our whole family would have been very disappointed. For some, that is not a serious reason to avoid, but for us, it would have been.

 

[russet1]

In my opinon this is where the Church has left us high and dry. EVERY other grave circumstance and sin we are given criteria. For instance it is always wrong to murder or steal. It is wrong no matter what. The Church has no economic criteria for sin. Murder in uganda for a loaf of bread to feed your family is just as damnable as murder in New York for a millioinaire’s estate. Morality is timeless and governmentless. What constituted sexual sin in 1850 constitutes sin now.
In all cases except this. NFP is a rather new method and the modern western idea of “poverty” is also a modern standard we apply.
So, it strikes me as odd that one family may decide that a vacation to hawaii is reason to avoid while another may be living in objective poverty and morally decide to have children.
I can think of no other sin this applies to. And It has always confused me.