What's a husband to do?

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CuriousInIL

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I am starting this thread to discuss an issue that came up in this other thread without derailing that thread: forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=894965

The issue that I wish to address is best brought out with the following hypothetical.

A husband spends a significant period of time in a sexually arousing situation where that arousal is caused by looking at a woman (or women) that is not his wife.

I mean to encompass here all sorts of behavior that may range from ok to bad to sinful to “are you kidding me” so sinful, such as: reading magazines that have a lot of ads with immodestly dressed women, being at the beach where there are many women in bikinis, being at a trendy club, “reading” the swimsuit issue of a magazine, watching network TV, watching cable, especially “premium” channels, reading porn, going to a strip club, etc. [My point here is that I am talking about a whole range of behaviors-I am not trying to get into a discussion about which are bad or worse-rather I am talking about a continuum that includes normal everyday life type activities up to deliberately sinful activities.]

Now, after this perhaps sinful perhaps not event, the husband is aroused. Is it or is it not appropriate for him to approach his wife for marital relations? Is there a waiting period before he should do so?

Please share your thoughts.
 
I’m not sure about the situations where he just got aroused by chance, but I find the idea of being intimate with my husband after he had just watched porn or a stripper or ogled some scantily clad girl disgusting. I would be upset and not in the mood at all. IMO he should just go take a cold shower in those cases. And ask for forgiveness, obviously.
 
CuriousInIL said:
A husband spends a significant period of time in a sexually arousing situation where that arousal is caused by looking at a woman (or women) that is not his wife.

I mean to encompass here all sorts of behavior that may range from ok to bad to sinful to “are you kidding me” so sinful, such as: reading magazines that have a lot of ads with immodestly dressed women, being at the beach where there are many women in bikinis, being at a trendy club, “reading” the swimsuit issue of a magazine, watching network TV, watching cable, especially “premium” channels, reading porn, going to a strip club, etc. [My point here is that I am talking about a whole range of behaviors-I am not trying to get into a discussion about which are bad or worse-rather I am talking about a continuum that includes normal everyday life type activities up to deliberately sinful activities.]
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(Bolding Mine)

I guess I’m not understanding why the husband can’t remove himself from the sexually stimulating environment. I fully expect that if my husband is getting aroused by magazines or TV that he turn it off out of respect for me (and he does).

Your marriage should be the most precious thing in the world to you. (Or if you’re religious, the second most important thing). So why on earth would you do anything to risk hurting your partner or damaging your marriage? If something is stimulating, take responsibility for yourself and turn it off or leave the room. Life doesn’t just happen to me, and I don’t accept that it just happens to anyone else either.

I have a confession. I recently finished up an internship and I started a part time job at another firm. At this new job there is a very handsome, funny, nice guy. I felt an instant attraction to him, but I kept everything professional. Apparently, the attraction was mutual because he asked me on a date several days ago. I politely declined and explained that I was married. He was instantly apologetic (no reason to be, of course) and very respectful of me and my marriage.

I know without question that I could work with him all day every day and never behave inappropriately because I love my husband. But I also know that my husband is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and I want to protect what we have. This part time job and the cute guy in the office are only temporary, but my marriage is forever. So I adjusted my hours, made up an excuse to have my desk moved to another area, and I don’t do lunch or drinks with groups that he will be a part of. Obviously, if an event is required I will go, but if it’s an informal group of coworkers/quasi-friends, I don’t partake.

While nothing physical would ever happen, there is a chance that working closely with this guy could distract me from my husband, or cause me to have the kind of thoughts that should only be reserved for my husband. Or I might find myself admiring some of his traits and second guessing my husband’s. Of course I don’t think that any of these things would happen, but when it comes to my marriage, I can’t be too careful.

If I can make these changes at work, I fully expect that men can change the channel/put down the magazine/leave the pool/whatever. The line will be different for everyone of course, it’s just all in how you respond to different stimuli and how much self-mastery of thoughts you have.
 
Husbands (or wives) can solve this problem by putting into action the advice given by St. Paul which is “Flee Immorality or Temptation”. Just change the TV channel, put down the magazine, don’t look at porn, turn away from staring at half dressed women, etc. See, it’s easy!
 
All great stuff above. Women also have the power to mitigate their husband’s concupiscence.

Posted from Catholic.com App for Android
 
AClaire11 said:
I’m not sure about the situations where he just got aroused by chance, but I find the idea of being intimate with my husband after he had just watched porn or a stripper or ogled some scantily clad girl disgusting. I would be upset and not in the mood at all. IMO he should just go take a cold shower in those cases. And ask for forgiveness, obviously.
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I would feel the same way. Used. Like I was just there to scratch an itch, and I’m just being used for it because I’m what happens to be available. Major mood-killer. 😦

I really like what BEL had to say in her post, too. Both men and women should avoid temptations. I know that some men like to run shirtless around our neighborhood. Would it be harmful for me to watch them? I don’t know. I don’t give myself long enough to find out - I just look away. They might be putting it out there, but I know it’s not for me.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
(Bolding Mine)

I guess I’m not understanding why the husband can’t remove himself from the sexually stimulating environment. I fully expect that if my husband is getting aroused by magazines or TV that he turn it off out of respect for me (and he does).

Your marriage should be the most precious thing in the world to you. (Or if you’re religious, the second most important thing). So why on earth would you do anything to risk hurting your partner or damaging your marriage? If something is stimulating, take responsibility for yourself and turn it off or leave the room. Life doesn’t just happen to me, and I don’t accept that it just happens to anyone else either.

I have a confession. I recently finished up an internship and I started a part time job at another firm. At this new job there is a very handsome, funny, nice guy. I felt an instant attraction to him, but I kept everything professional. Apparently, the attraction was mutual because he asked me on a date several days ago. I politely declined and explained that I was married. He was instantly apologetic (no reason to be, of course) and very respectful of me and my marriage.

I know without question that I could work with him all day every day and never behave inappropriately because I love my husband. But I also know that my husband is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me, and I want to protect what we have. This part time job and the cute guy in the office are only temporary, but my marriage is forever. So I adjusted my hours, made up an excuse to have my desk moved to another area, and I don’t do lunch or drinks with groups that he will be a part of. Obviously, if an event is required I will go, but if it’s an informal group of coworkers/quasi-friends, I don’t partake.

While nothing physical would ever happen, there is a chance that working closely with this guy could distract me from my husband, or cause me to have the kind of thoughts that should only be reserved for my husband. Or I might find myself admiring some of his traits and second guessing my husband’s. Of course I don’t think that any of these things would happen, but when it comes to my marriage, I can’t be too careful.

If I can make these changes at work, I fully expect that men can change the channel/put down the magazine/leave the pool/whatever. The line will be different for everyone of course, it’s just all in how you respond to different stimuli and how much self-mastery of thoughts you have.
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:clapping::clapping::clapping::clapping::clapping:
 
A few comments, and one can put together the dots a little:

a) Men should avoid unnecessary occasions of sin (temptations). Obviously one should not watch porn or magazines with images intended to arouse, or TV shows with gratuitous nudity/sex.

b) Not all occasions of sin (temptation) can be or should be avoided. Temptation is a natural part of life. Most men (I am male) need only walk down the street to see women they find attractive and have thoughts that would constitute temptation. Taking the kids to the beach or pool I think is a reasonable activity that need not be avoided by most men, yet it will almost certainly cause an occasion for temptation to most men.

c) Temptation should be resisted of course. A man may notice a beautiful woman, but choosing to ogle is not acceptable. Men should practice custody of the eyes.

d) Noting all of the above…the Church has always considered sex between a married couple to rightly serve the purpose of curing concupiscence. If a man (or woman) is burning with passion then marriage is the right context to relieve that.

e) Sex must always be unitive. If a man cannot retain respect and love for his wife, and gets carried away in just relieving his tensions, then yes he’s better off having a cold shower.
 
A near occasion of sin for Joe may not be a near occasion of sin for Tony.

“I don’t care where he gets his appetite as long as he eats at home,” excludes God from the marriage.

Try Ven Fulton Sheen’s “Three to Get Married.”
ewtn.com/library/MARRIAGE/3GETMARR.TXT
 
CuriousInIL said:
A husband spends a significant period of time in a sexually arousing situation where that arousal is caused by looking at a woman (or women) that is not his wife.
.
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You have got to be kidding me ! No man would do that. Only a jerk would
 
Using a wife in this way harms a wife and the marriage bed.
No alternate fictional scenario mitigates the fact that it’s a really bad thing to do.
The original thread was not hijacked. Some people don’t like to be challenged.
That’s what discussion boards are for. Discussion. But I do believe that nearly all the posters on the “other” thread were in agreement:
It was a lousy thing for the husband to do, and hurtful to the one whom he should love and protect. No amount of “aw shucks” can change that.
 
It would not be ok. In this case he would be using his wife as another object to satisfy his lustful desires, not as a form of unitive intimacy. Most likely if he is perusing that much sexually explicit material he would be fantasizing while interacting with his wife as well.

Interesting question.
 
I completely understand that the best answer is to avoid temptation and the ocassion of sin and not be in that situation. My intention was not really to have discussion about whether that initial behavior was bad, as I noted, it well might be acknowledged as sinful. Only a few have ansered the question I tried to ask, so let me try to restate it:

Having engaged in this improper (and very likely sinful) behavior, is it appropriate to approach his wife for marital relatons? If not, what should he do and how long must he wait until the bad behavior has been “purged” and he can again appropriately approach his wife?
 
An additional follow up:

Same questions but assume the behavior is a non-sexual sin, e.g. Husband robs a bank, or husband comes home after directly lying to boss about being sick, or husband comes home after deliberately missing last Sunday mass of the day, or etc.

Does the non-sexual nature of the sin change the answers?
 
CuriousInIL said:
Having engaged in this improper (and very likely sinful) behavior, is it appropriate to approach his wife for marital relatons? If not, what should he do and how long must he wait until the bad behavior has been “purged” and he can again appropriately approach his wife?
Click to expand...
To restate it another way, Having lusted after another woman to the point of uncontrollable arousal, is it appropriate for a man to use his wife as a surrogate for the object of his lust? Does that really even require a response?
 
Gordon_Sims said:
To restate it another way, Having lusted after another woman to the point of uncontrollable arousal, is it appropriate for a man to use his wife as a surrogate for the object of his lust? Does that really even require a response?
Click to expand...
BEST ANSWER.
Thank you.
 
CuriousInIL said:
An additional follow up:

Same questions but assume the behavior is a non-sexual sin, e.g. Husband robs a bank, or husband comes home after directly lying to boss about being sick, or husband comes home after deliberately missing last Sunday mass of the day, or etc.

Does the non-sexual nature of the sin change the answers?
Click to expand...
Of course not. SIN is the separation from God. Who wants a husband who is not good, honest, just, kind, truthful…in short Godly?

Let’s see: you describe a thief, a liar, rejecting God’s love.
Hmmmmm, sexy? No way. God doesn’t tolerate such…why would a good woman?
This person would have to do some serious reconciling…to both.
 
CuriousInIL said:
I completely understand that the best answer is to avoid temptation and the ocassion of sin and not be in that situation. My intention was not really to have discussion about whether that initial behavior was bad, as I noted, it well might be acknowledged as sinful. Only a few have ansered the question I tried to ask, so let me try to restate it:

Having engaged in this improper (and very likely sinful) behavior, is it appropriate to approach his wife for marital relatons? If not, what should he do and how long must he wait until the bad behavior has been “purged” and he can again appropriately approach his wife?
Click to expand...
No it isn’t appropriate.

For example Go for a long hard run (running is believed to cure many such ailments such as anger, lust…)

He must wait until he truly desires his wife and wants to unite in love with her with and not use her.
 
Gordon_Sims said:
To restate it another way, Having lusted after another woman to the point of uncontrollable arousal, is it appropriate for a man to use his wife as a surrogate for the object of his lust? Does that really even require a response?
Click to expand...
I posted without reading this…

Best answer!👍
 
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