What's allowed? Intimate question.

[JanMary]

My husband has been asking for a certain sex act for 9 years and four months. Frankly, I don’t want to do it, but I am so sick of him bugging me. I mean, so sick of it that I don’t care if his willy falls off. I have three kids and I’m TIRED and am not interested in dirty sexual stuff. Anyway, let’s say I wanted to give in and do what he wants just to get him to quit nagging. I need to know what is allowed. I’m not going to ask our priest. Honestly I just have to get my husband off my case. After over 9 years I might be getting worn down. Please let me know if I can do this act for his sake and not need to confess it. I would hate to have to tell our priest sexual stuff. Thanks.

 

[underacloud]

It’s almost impossible to give specific opinions without specific details (not that I’m asking for them). But in general…

As long as the sexual encounter ends in the right way, then many different forms of foreplay can be considered.

Essentially, sex must be procreative and unitive. Procreative in that the man finishes in the proper way. If the act is one in which the man finishes in an inappropriate way, it is not allowed. The unitive part is harder to pin down, but any forms of foreplay that one or other spouse finds uncomfortable or degrading, etc, couldn’t really be considered unitive. Some people are resistant to try new things, so you’d need to consider whether your apprehension stems from a general resistance to something you haven’t tried yet, or whether it is something you know you don’t want to do. If it’s the latter, your husband ought to back off.

With regard to specifics, there is a search option for this site and you could type whatever act it is into that and try to find relevant discussions. But you won’t find any official lists of what is or isn’t allowed, and any discussions you find will have some very divergent views and assertively presented arguments.

 

[Bezant]

It’s rather pointless if you’re an unhappy participant, I think.

 

[Inego_de_Loyola]

Wow, they just clipped the thread to the first page. Anyway I recommend you go and explain things to your Pastor. If he agree’s with your husband and the deacon then go to the Bishop. If he agree’s with you then schedule a counselling session with him.

 

[The_Bucket]

Well that escalated quickly.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Although, it might be technically not a sin, enough Catholic authors do not believe it a legitimate practice.

Among them, Greg Popcak, in *Holy Sex; *John Kippley in *Sex and the marriage Covenant, a Basis in Morality. *

Even Christopher West, who has been accused of promoting it as a legitimate act, actually does not. He states, paraphrasing from *The Good News about Sex and Marriage, *that although it could technically be not a sin if the act finishes the proper way, there are two many variables that would preclude it as a legitimate act.

Finally the theologian Germain Grizes states, paraphrasing, that any marital act ceases to be a marital act if coercion is involved:

The married couple’s open-ended community depends on their mutual consent, by which each spouse, in willing their common good, wills the other’s good for his or her own sake. Genuine marital acts therefore must be performed willingly and lovingly. They cannot involve coercion of either party by the other or of both by a third party; nor can they involve one party’s mere use of the other for selfish satisfaction or one’s mere manipulation of the other to attain some extrinsic end.

And paraphrasing another section, if a partner finds a sexual act short of intercourse “repugnant” that act does not express affection.

This is from his work, “The Way of Our Lord Jesus” with Imprimatur.

 

[Debora123]

Hopefully this time we can stick objectively to the subject at hand without attacking other members for things they DIDN’T say.

Any new updates, JM?

I think we pretty much reached the end of the rope with the new information you gave us regarding your talk with the Deacon.

As of that, my advice remains the same. The 2 of you should schedule an appointment either with the other Deacon, your pastor, or perhaps another spiritual adviser… one who preferably specializes in marriage counseling. This way you can get a second opinion and continue in some counseling to repair your marital relationship.

Prayers are with you and your husband.