What's confiding? What's detraction?

[jcoldc]

I wonder if anyone has a clear view of what is considered detraction. I understand not starting/spreading gossip that is untrue or not necessary (ie. so and so had an affair.) But I’m confused about when someone might be allowed to confide in another person or “vent”.

Does it matter who we talk to? For example, should I be able to discuss anything with my spouse? What can we discuss with a parent or best friend?

Does it make a difference if it involves us? Or how we approach the discussion of it?

Here’s an example to get things rolling:

I had a problem with a friend. I was hot under the collar and told the story to my husband and my mother. Obviously, I told my side. It made the friend look bad. In the heat of it, I’m sure I said things about her character, not just “the facts”.

Thanks.

 

[drafdog]

Confiding is talking about you. Detraction is talking about the other guy.

Matthew

 

[mercygate]

If you’re thinkin’ about it, it’s detraction.

(Ask me how I know. )

 

[Melissa]

My understanding is that the line that marks off detraction is when one tells something that is, or at least is believed to be, true about someone that hurts that other person’s good name and the person who was told has no right to the information (that is, they would not be harmed by an absence of the information).

 

[rwoehmke]

Never heard of a sin called confiding, Calumny and Detraction yes, but confiding ones own problems appropriately to another? Unless its bragging about ones own sins and picadillos to another why would it be a sin unless it gives scandal to the other?.

 

[m134e5]

I wonder if anyone has a clear view of what is considered detraction. I understand not starting/spreading gossip that is untrue or not necessary (ie. so and so had an affair.) But I’m confused about when someone might be allowed to confide in another person or “vent”.

Does it matter who we talk to? For example, should I be able to discuss anything with my spouse? What can we discuss with a parent or best friend?

Does it make a difference if it involves us? Or how we approach the discussion of it?

Here’s an example to get things rolling:

I had a problem with a friend. I was hot under the collar and told the story to my husband and my mother. Obviously, I told my side. It made the friend look bad. In the heat of it, I’m sure I said things about her character, not just “the facts”.

Thanks.

Detraction is when you unnecessarily reveal the faults/sins of another. Sometimes, however, it is necessary to reveal another’s faults. If someone’s doing something that could harm themselves or another person, the people involved need to know, and others may need to know as well to protect themselves and/or other people involved.

If you need to vent about someone to someone else, make sure they are a person who understands that you are telling them your perception of the situation- not necessarily the actual situation.

 

[jcoldc]

At this point, I would say almost all of my questionable scenarios are me looking for advice, or validation about something that involved me and usually someone else. Maybe discussing it as objectively as possible, witholding “angry remarks”???

I can certainly understand telling people things that might be a warning, if they were in “danger” of something etc.

I don’t know if it’s a girl thing, or my insecurities, but often when I have a problem, I look to tell someone I’m close to, to validate if I did the right thing.

 

[Contarini]

At this point, I would say almost all of my questionable scenarios are me looking for advice, or validation about something that involved me and usually someone else. Maybe discussing it as objectively as possible, witholding “angry remarks”???

I can certainly understand telling people things that might be a warning, if they were in “danger” of something etc.

I don’t know if it’s a girl thing, or my insecurities, but often when I have a problem, I look to tell someone I’m close to, to validate if I did the right thing.

It doesn’t seem to me as if discussing problems with someone close to you is detraction. If you talk to a mutual friend in such a way that the friend sides with you and thinks less of the person you are talking about, then that might be detraction. But if you’re talking to family members (or close friends who ideally don’t have much to do with the third person) purely in order to get advice on your own attitude, then there’s nothing wrong with that.

One possibility is to invite the person you’re having trouble with to talk to you with a mutual friend present. That way you are getting some mediation instead of engaging in detraction.

Edwin

 

[jcoldc]

It doesn’t seem to me as if discussing problems with someone close to you is detraction. If you talk to a mutual friend in such a way that the friend sides with you and thinks less of the person you are talking about, then that might be detraction. But if you’re talking to family members (or close friends who ideally don’t have much to do with the third person) purely in order to get advice on your own attitude, then there’s nothing wrong with that.

Thanks for the post. To me, that sounds logical. I don’t know about anyone else, but every so often something gets me hot under the collar, that makes it difficult to calmly ask for advice. Lots of opininated remarks could fall in there. But I guess that’s where I have to take a minute and try to stick to the facts. It’s sounding like, how the situation is presented is really important.

Edwin

 

[ALFREDENEUMAN]

its a question of intent

 

[itsjustdave1988]

I wonder if anyone has a clear view of what is considered detraction…

“From Latin detrahere, to take away…Detraction is the unjust damaging of another’s good name by the revelation of some fault or crime of which that other is really guilty or at any rate is seriously believed to be guilty by the defamer…even when the sin is in no sense public, it may still be divulged without contravening the virtues of justice or charity whenever such a course is for the common weal or is esteemed to make for the good of the narrator, of his listeners, or even of the culprit.”

See more comprehensive discussion here:CATHOLIC ENCYCLOPEDIA: Detraction

 

[goofyjim]

Sins are meant to be dealt with in the sacrament of confession. Anyone who publicly discloses another’s sins, even when they are true, commits detraction, thereby sinning himself.

 

[Contarini]

Sins are meant to be dealt with in the sacrament of confession. Anyone who publicly discloses another’s sins, even when they are true, commits detraction, thereby sinning himself.

Right, but the key is “publicly.” Confiding to a close friend or relative with the purpose of getting some perspective is not detraction. Making your criticisms public, or going to friends and associates of the person you’ve having problems with and turning them against that person, is detraction. At least, that’s how I understand it. Caveat: I’m not Catholic.

Edwin

 

[goofyjim]

Right, but the key is “publicly.” Confiding to a close friend or relative with the purpose of getting some perspective is not detraction. Making your criticisms public, or going to friends and associates of the person you’ve having problems with and turning them against that person, is detraction. At least, that’s how I understand it. Caveat: I’m not Catholic.

Edwin

Someone confides in me I tell noone else unless he requests it.

 

[Crumpy]

I have made the mistake of saying things in jest, that I thought would never get repeated, come flying back at me within hours.

I’ve worked in a couple places where confidentiality was assumed, and where I did not own the private information that I was handling. I think that sets the rule for me, not to listen to anything that I don’t want to hear in the first place, and then to act like I never heard it, even if I did.

I read recently, there is one judgment day, only one. We don’t have the right to set up our own court and to judge others.

So, I guess I’d have to say, what do you really need to say about another?

What’re the old rules? Is it true? Is it hurtful? Do you really need to tell someone else? …something like that.

 

[jcoldc]

I have made the mistake of saying things in jest, that I thought would never get repeated, come flying back at me within hours.

I’ve worked in a couple places where confidentiality was assumed, and where I did not own the private information that I was handling. I think that sets the rule for me, not to listen to anything that I don’t want to hear in the first place, and then to act like I never heard it, even if I did.

I read recently, there is one judgment day, only one. We don’t have the right to set up our own court and to judge others.

So, I guess I’d have to say, what do you really need to say about another?

What’re the old rules? Is it true? Is it hurtful? Do you really need to tell someone else? …something like that.

Thanks. Important stuff to think about. I might trip on the “Do you really need to tell someone else?” portion. I understand for their safety etc. But I still debate about to what degree one might “need” to share something just for their own good.