What's missing?

[Verisimilitude]

A short history:
I’m a cradle Catholic. Up until I was about 15 years old I think I had a very strong active faith. From 15 to 20 I slowly allowed some temptations to be sampled, but by the time I was 20 I was freely indulging in nearly all the temtations that could be tasted. I “justified” it by many reasons to include biblical stories, but deep down I knew my justifications were not supported and had stopped being active in church.

I saw many that I thought were hypocrites in both secular and religious areas of my personal life and in public life. I became quite disallusioned. I love to read. I love to ask questions and challange what I believe. At 21-ish I came to a point in my life I didn’t know what to believe anymore, and if I could no longer support my own belief, why believe it? So I stopped to a large degree. I also stopped most of my teen “experimentation” activities, and put faith on a shelf and moved on with my life.

In reality I continued to read the bible my sister gave me for my confirmation (The Jerusalem Bible) when I was 15, but then I was reading it mostly for historical type stories and “simple” philosophy. But I also read many other books of a secular nature, histories, science fiction…and just doing my thing with little outward (or much inward) deference to God. I kept busy (military service) like that for for a number of years until I was about 28.

Then what was really always just under the surface, surfaced quite strong for no appearant reason- something was missing. Actually I missed God. Though I didn’t have much time for God, being busy now with a ft job and ft school at night I began a journey to rediscover Him.

With my initial knowledge and Catholic upbringing I decided to answer one question first- did God exist? It took about a year for me to once again conclude of course He did. I really tried hard to disprove Him, but I couldn’t. Not by asking for things in prayer and not getting them, but by applying those skills I learned in school and life that helped me make sound decisions in the things I read, and by talking to some very wise people.

Now I believed in God again…but which god? Initially I steared clear of any monotheistic faith. I knew I would end back up there, but to be fair to myself I had to at least explore them. I first studied American Indian spirituality, then some of the Eastern religions, and non-theist philosphies. While many had valid tenets, none were complete enough for me and did not hold that ring of Truth. In all honesty though I believe I saw God in part in all of them.

So then I turned to monotheism again. The one I knew least about I studied first: Islam. THAT was something. I struggled through the whole Koran. Man, if God is speaking here, it was hard to grasp. So I looked for an hopefully unbiased history about Muhammed (The Life and Times of Muhammed by Sir John Glubb) to help put into context the revelations he spoke in the name of God. I think it was a far and respectfull book to him, but in the end I concluded that was not God talking. Soon after that 9/11 happened. For other reason I continued to study Islam, but then re-read with a new eye Judaism and Christianity.

So I replaced my well-read, but tattered and dog eared JB with the NJB. First question: did Jesus really exist? After the many other books, Rabbis, Kabala, Gnostic gospels, CS Lewis… and having (self) asked and answered thousands of questions that all pointed to what I always knew. Fearing the lightning bolt if I walked back into a church with regualrity; a few fits and starts… I have returned to the Church just this year with the intent to stay because I can’t say I do not know the Truth.

I did my own little personal thing for Lent. I went to Mass a few times before Lent began, and on Ash Wednesday I gave my first confession in over 20 years. Then I participated in Lent with a fervent heart. Along with a few other neccessary sacrifices, I fasted 6 days out of the week- one small meal a day for every week except Holy week. That week: from 6 PM Wednesday night until about 9 AM Easter morning I ate or drank nothing, nad prayed often and sincerly. I attended mass each day, spent most of the day Friday in church. Easter was a wonderfull celebration.

Ok, I did not honestly expect an immediate change like Paul. Maybe I expected something more along the lines of Alvin York. (old movie “Sgt. York”). I have not resolved every issue or question I have, and I am still human afterall despite what I know to be true. Hopefully I have a long life yet to live.

Sorry for the long rant if anyone actually read it all. But something is still missing. I feel sad, rather than exhuberant in my knowledge. I know the answer, but feel no joy in it. What am I missing?

 

[StCsDavid]

Respectfully, it’s not so much what you are missing, but rather what you may still cling to which in my opinion is your own self-reliance. I’m not faulting your Lenten devotion; however, perhaps you might explore in your heart what your true motivation was for your mortifications. It you used those sacrifices as a means to an end, then I can understand why you might have been disappointed by the outcome. By all means, seek some direction from a priest to guide you in your journey.

Persevere. Never give up hope.

 

[Eileen_T]

I think God allows these ‘desert’ experiences because, when we are through them, it is just so amazing. If we can keep hold of the Faith and be faithful at such a time, we know can undergo any trial life throws at us.

Many of the great saints went through this, that is what made them great.

My PP was a speaker at a Convention this past weekend. He mentioned that frequently, during Confession he counsels people to come and see him afterwards - but no-one ever does. He says that people tell him they are good, live good lives and avoid sin. And he said,“If that is so, why are they not on fire for the lord?” Something, as you so rightly ask, is missing.

My advice is to seek out a holy priest foe counsel.

BTW, congratulations on your return to the Sacraments. I had a similar journey out of, and back to, the Church, except for looking at Islam.

 

[Ramalama]

A short history:
I’m a cradle Catholic.

I want you to know I envy you – just from the above. My wife and I are trying to become Catholic and it will be a year before we can join the church. You’ve been a Catholic since birth.

Re what’s missing, I have no idea, but I want what you have.

God bless you.

 

[Verisimilitude]

Respectfully, it’s not so much what you are missing, but rather what you may still cling to which in my opinion is your own self-reliance. I’m not faulting your Lenten devotion; however, perhaps you might explore in your heart what your true motivation was for your mortifications. It you used those sacrifices as a means to an end, then I can understand why you might have been disappointed by the outcome. By all means, seek some direction from a priest to guide you in your journey.

Persevere. Never give up hope.

Admittedly, I still have some (much) of that self-reliance. I can’t help it seemingly. My true motivation was to try an release some of that. Partially it worked, but mostly I still am where I have always been. There are some things, no matter how hard I try and study, I cannot know.

I see people who have that joy as it were, but after talking to them I get the impression they give up asking those questions “putting their faith in God” about them and they have let it go.

It is almost like a cop out to me. Islamists respond to difficult questions with “Only Allah knows”. In those cases I can determine an answer that refute the difficulty they face- such as the divinity of Jesus. They do not want to explore it that far in fear of finding a conflcting answer. I thrive on it because I have yet been able to refute my belief.

I have returned to a good parish. The priest is very busy with real issues for real problems. I will work my way in somehow.

Thanks.

 

[StCsDavid]

Admittedly, I still have some (much) of that self-reliance. I can’t help it seemingly. My true motivation was to try an release some of that. Partially it worked, but mostly I still am where I have always been. There are some things, no matter how hard I try and study, I cannot know.

I see people who have that joy as it were, but after talking to them I get the impression they give up asking those questions “putting their faith in God” about them and they have let it go.

It is almost like a cop out to me. Islamists respond to difficult questions with “Only Allah knows”. In those cases I can determine an answer that refute the difficulty they face- such as the divinity of Jesus. They do not want to explore it that far in fear of finding a conflcting answer. I thrive on it because I have yet been able to refute my belief.

I have returned to a good parish. The priest is very busy with real issues for real problems. I will work my way in somehow.

Thanks.

We all have an affinity for ourselves to one degree or another. “Let go and let God” is probably a good parallel to the Islam saying. I also know that the greatest joy I have found in this faith has been when I’ve lived it. Giving myself to help the poor; or help out at the church; or lending a shoulder to cry on; or teaching in our RCIA program, etc., all of those kinds of things have been the source of great joy, more than I ever found in the study of faith, though I do enjoy that as well. We are called to be “doers” of the word. When anyone tells me they’re in a dry place or that they’ve lost some of the joy, I ask them “What are you doing?”

An option to seeing your parish priest might be to seek spiritual direction at a local religious community. Nuns, brothers, monks are all often good resources for good spiritual directors who may not be as pressed for time as a parish pastor.

 

[empacae]

Bravo brother!

Welcome back. I’ve had a similar journey myself, and all I can suggest is patience. A Rosary a day may help in that department. God gives us our marching orders on His time. But our progression to Him takes us a lifetime. Awesome story, thank you so much for sharing it.

Love in Christ,
emp

 

[puzzleannie]

A. I attended mass each day, spent most of the day Friday in church. Easter was a wonderfull celebration.

Ok, I did not honestly expect an immediate change like Paul. Maybe I expected something more along the lines of Alvin York. (old movie “Sgt. York”). I have not resolved every issue or question I have, and I am still human afterall despite what I know to be true. Hopefully I have a long life yet to live.

Sorry for the long rant if anyone actually read it all. But something is still missing. I feel sad, rather than exhuberant in my knowledge. I know the answer, but feel no joy in it. What am I missing?

wonderful story, thank you and welcome home.
no. 1, please continue to participate in mystagogy at your parish, because it is inevitable that more questions come up about your experience and everything else. You also need a lot of support at this time because there is a “post-honeymoon” period.

no. 2, the letdown is experience by many if not all converts after Easter, maybe not right away, but later, so it essential to get involved in parish life, keep in touch with your sponsor, so you have people to talk to and support you.

no. 3, the “feelings” that you where expecting and are missing are great when and if they come, but in a way you are lucky not to have them right now. Many people who are on an emotional high after Easter experience a huge let-down when it inevitable fades, and then go on looking for the next high, which is very detrimental spiritually.

no. 4, the interior change in your soul has been effected through the grace of Jesus Christ and the action of the Holy Spirit in the sacraments you received. Your perceptions of those changes will be gradual and subtle, and limited by human abilities, and will grow as you grow in the spiritual life. The more exuberant emotional reaction is a guide, but not an entirely reliable guide, to the depth of the real interior condition of the soul. Evidently the Lord, who is in control here, feels you are advanced enough not to need the emotion and can proceed to reflection on you Easter experience through the coming months and years.

no. 5, the more advanced the soul, the more sincere the conversion, and the more the person has struggled to get there, the harder Satan will attack the new convert. This is almost inevitable sometime after Easter, or even a few months or years later, and one thing mystagogy is supposed to do (but we probably fail here as we do in many aspects of RCIA despite our best intentions) is to help you weather such attacks.

no. 6 your key here is leaving off the intellectual pursuits and immersing yourself in the devotion, prayer, sacraments, and Word of God. Your own intellect took you so far, now let the Holy Spirit do the rest of the work. You can expect struggles with humility, obedience, fidelity in prayer and good works, and disillusion with the human failings of your fellow Catholics. These struggles are allowed by the Lord to strengthen your soul, and the gifts of the Holy Spirit you have received are sufficient for you. Your own intellection, emotions and understanding will fail, but He will never fail you.

God bless you, and be aware the entire Church is praying for you at this time (not to mention your fellow CAFers.)

I see I missed the key fact that you are a cradle Catholic, but your experience is paralleled by many who joined the Church at Easter, so most of what I have said applies to you as well. Conversion is converion, no matter where you began, how far you travelled, and what diversions you met along the way.

 

[Verisimilitude]

I want to thank each of you who responded and the good wishes.

puzzleannie: very insightfull. I will contemplate each suggestion in depth. Thank you.

empacae: I sometimes think if I practice any more patience I will stop moving all together. Thank you for your thoughts.

StCsDavid: I am looking into greater activities to practice what you suggest. We (my wife and I) have been attending a weekly “Our Catholic Journey” held at the parish Wednesday nights which I enjoy. We recently volunteered at a helth fair. I am trying to be practical in these as I do not want to overdo it and generate a frustration. I do want to get involved for the reasons you suggest. Thanks again.

Ramalama: I admit I am enviable to many. I am most fortunate to have such an upbringing. Without question God has blessed beyond measure. Maybe that is part of what I think is missing. I remember when I was about 16 I read a passage that made a big impression on me.

2 Chronicles 1:1-12: (in part) God said to Solomon, "Because you had this in mind, and did not ask for riches, wealth or honor, or the life of those who hate you, nor have you even asked for long life, but you have asked for yourself wisdom and knowledge that you may rule My people over whom I have made you king,

Even at 16 I knew I was no king, but I asked for the same, I hoped in the same spirit as Solomon asked. I love the books of Wisdom. I need to re-look at it. There might be more parallels there than I realize.

Anyway, good luck in your own journey, and thank you for your thoughts.

Eileen T: Along with the others, there is wisdom in your words. Some writers suggested that Islam is close to Christianity, even more so than the Jews, which is why I studied that. I don’t wish to turn this thread into that discussion though. Thank you for your suggestion. I am looking for personal guidence. I realized for quite some time that I can only take myslef so far as some noted herein, and need some help outside of myslef. I am more cautious now with whom I speak to about such things. I found a good parish I think. I like the priest. When I can talk to him he is very direct and knowledgeable which is what I like. I do not need any punches pulled. But he is busy, as are everyone in that very active parish. I will attempt more patience and prayer. Thank you as well.

Lastly, even though I asked this question about my doubts of myself. I have no doubts about God. I know He thinks of me as He does all of you. I am fine with being a small cog in the large wheel- I just want to know all of the hows and whys.

Thanks again everyone! This site helps me, so I am sure I will see you around.