Whats my obligation?

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Tom_Lyon

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I’ve been married for 12 years. A year ago my asked for a divorce. She won’t move out and does not expect me to leave either. She is content to live separated in the same house till the kids are grown. My children are 5 and 8 so were talking 13 years. I know I said for better or worse but what do I do now?
 
Tom_Lyon said:
I’ve been married for 12 years. A year ago my asked for a divorce. She won’t move out and does not expect me to leave either. She is content to live separated in the same house till the kids are grown. My children are 5 and 8 so were talking 13 years. I know I said for better or worse but what do I do now?
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If I was in this situation my reply would be that if we go through with the divorce one of us must leave and we either sell the house and split the proceeds or the one staying buys the other one out.

If she choses to stay together “for the children” then she must agree to work at the marriage and go for counseling.

Living together outside of a legal marriage is not a choice. If we do divorce she must know that I will start the annullment process with the Church.
 
1.) Stay put.
2.) Talk to a good lawyer, because you need to protect your rights and the rights of your children.
3.) Talk to your priest.
4.) Tell her what ByzCath said.
 
Apparently your issues are not so bad you can’t be under the same roof with each other. Not the usual situation for most pre-divorce couples. So…does that mean your marriage is salvagable? Are you willing to work on that possibility? Is she? I would start there. She obviously is willing to give a lot for the sake of the kids. Why not a give them a functional family instead of a disfunctional one? You have a lot of years until they’re grown–I’d hate to see either of you simply tolerating your life for that long.
 
Island_Oak said:
Apparently your issues are not so bad you can’t be under the same roof with each other. Not the usual situation for most pre-divorce couples. So…does that mean your marriage is salvagable? Are you willing to work on that possibility? Is she? I would start there. She obviously is willing to give a lot for the sake of the kids. Why not a give them a functional family instead of a disfunctional one? You have a lot of years until they’re grown–I’d hate to see either of you simply tolerating your life for that long.
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These are some of my same thoughts. The question is, can I do this that long for the sake of my kids and a functional home? I think so , but is this what God expects of me? After a year of this I still haven’t heard an answer from Him. Our home is perfectly civil and our children don’t know about any of this. I just want my life and my family back.😦
 
If you can maintain any kind of friendship with your spouse and exist in a semi-intact home, DO IT! This isn’t just about your happiness. Sometimes you have to suck it up for the sake of the vulnerable children you are responsible for.

Work on courting your wife again. Be the good man she married. Make her fall in love with you all over again.

Because let me tell you… divorce does NOT improve anything. It creates worse enmity. It destroys the security and safety of your children’s lives. It ruins things financially. If my xh wasn’t abusive I’d still be with him even if there was no “love.” The alternative is horrible!

Do you want to spend every other holiday without your kids? Do you want to spend all the time with them gone and at their mother’s house. You won’t have your wife in the house, but you won’t have your kids either.

Do everything you can to keep from going down that road. You will live the next 13 years anyway. Would it be better to at least have the facade of an intact family?

This is for worse. You promised God. Keep that promise. Because I’m telling you, it can get even worse than this.

If you can maintain ANY civility at all, work with that and try to fix it!!!
 
Liberanosamalo said:
If you can maintain any kind of friendship with your spouse and exist in a semi-intact home, DO IT! This isn’t just about your happiness. Sometimes you have to suck it up for the sake of the vulnerable children you are responsible for.
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And what kind of message is this sending to the children? Especially when one of the parents, or both, start dating?
 
I second what Island Oak says. And as a person involved with the young adult ministry scene where any talk about marriage includes discussion about how kids are scarred by their parents’ divorces, I must ask to to think about the following and present it to your wife:

If once the kids turn 18 or 21 and divorce occurs, this will be when they are smack dab when they are dating, and they will get the cynical message that marriages don’t last and they will become cynical about marriage and may start fornicating and cohabitating.

OK, so then she waits until the kids are married. Then the kids will be worrying that when their kids are grown, then it’s OK to divorce. What a way to spend marriage, huh?

And then the pattern continues throughout the generations.

Have your wife think about that as additional evidence that if she really cares about the sake of the kids, she will hold up to “as long as you both shall live”.
 
And what kind of message is this sending to the children? Especially when one of the parents, or both, start dating?
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He didn’t say anything about dating for her or himself.

But if that happens, it’s time to call the lawyers and split it up.

But if they aren’t divorced AND annulled, “dating” is called “adultery.”
 
Liberanosamalo said:
He didn’t say anything about dating for her or himself.

But if that happens, it’s time to call the lawyers and split it up.

But if they aren’t divorced AND annulled, “dating” is called “adultery.”
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If they are planning on being divorced and living together one or the other, or even both, are bound to find someone outside of the house to fulfill needs that their ex-spouse is no longer fulfilling.

Its human nature.
 
I wish I had some wise words. One thing you must remember…the kids will sense SOMETHING is not right. You may act like things are ok, but trust me …THEY KNOW…I am speaking from experience.
Kathy
 
Liberanosamalo said:
If you can maintain any kind of friendship with your spouse and exist in a semi-intact home, DO IT! This isn’t just about your happiness. Sometimes you have to suck it up for the sake of the vulnerable children you are responsible for.

Work on courting your wife again. Be the good man she married. Make her fall in love with you all over again.

Because let me tell you… divorce does NOT improve anything. It creates worse enmity. It destroys the security and safety of your children’s lives. It ruins things financially. If my xh wasn’t abusive I’d still be with him even if there was no “love.” The alternative is horrible!

Do you want to spend every other holiday without your kids? Do you want to spend all the time with them gone and at their mother’s house. You won’t have your wife in the house, but you won’t have your kids either.

Do everything you can to keep from going down that road. You will live the next 13 years anyway. Would it be better to at least have the facade of an intact family?

This is for worse. You promised God. Keep that promise. Because I’m telling you, it can get even worse than this.

If you can maintain ANY civility at all, work with that and try to fix it!!!
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Thank you for your wise words and also for supporting what I feel I must do, even if I dont want to. The more I ponder this the more I come to realize I made a choice 12 years ago that I may have to live with for my kids to have any kind of normal childhood. Its not about the sex. I rarely think about that. I am consumed with the fact that my kids dont get to make a choice for their own happiness.
I doubt very highly that my wife will go on the prowl. After 12 years I do know my wife(well enough to not be surprised by all this), and shes not that way. I guess unless things really turn sour and do begin to effect my kids that I just need to pray and hang in there. I hope its not too much to ask all of you to pray for us to. Thank you all for your concern.
 
Praying!

I was thinking about this situation yesterday. I was wondering if you have asked your wife if she would consider “dating” you?

like a fresh start. 🙂
 
Tom_Lyon said:
Thank you for your wise words and also for supporting what I feel I must do, even if I dont want to. The more I ponder this the more I come to realize I made a choice 12 years ago that I may have to live with for my kids to have any kind of normal childhood. Its not about the sex. I rarely think about that. I am consumed with the fact that my kids dont get to make a choice for their own happiness.
I doubt very highly that my wife will go on the prowl. After 12 years I do know my wife(well enough to not be surprised by all this), and shes not that way. I guess unless things really turn sour and do begin to effect my kids that I just need to pray and hang in there. I hope its not too much to ask all of you to pray for us to. Thank you all for your concern.
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One thing is bothering me about this situation.

Why divorce if she wants to stay living together for the “sake of the children”?

As a married couple there are advantages, especially in work place health plans.

Something seems fishy here. I would still insist on counseling and I would get in touch with a lawyer.
 
ByzCath said:
One thing is bothering me about this situation.

Why divorce if she wants to stay living together for the “sake of the children”?

As a married couple there are advantages, especially in work place health plans.

Something seems fishy here. I would still insist on counseling and I would get in touch with a lawyer.
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I’ve already talked to a lawyer. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. She intends to live seperated in the same house, as I mentioned. This would mean that for now we don’t get a civil divorce. Like I said, my main concern is my children.
I seem to have raised some hairs with you. Don’t make this personal, its about me looking for advise preferably from someone who is or has been in a similar situation.
Thank you to all who have helped. If someone whos been there can add something I would appreciate it, otherwise I dont think there is much more to be said. Again, thank you and God bless you all.
 
Charitychick said:
Praying!

I was thinking about this situation yesterday. I was wondering if you have asked your wife if she would consider “dating” you?

like a fresh start. 🙂
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You are the second person to suggest this. Its been a year since this started so shes had some time. I think it may be worth a try. Thank you.
 
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