What's the Christian way to approach this?

[damooster]

(Warning: long post)

A childhood friend of mine found my phone number a few months ago and contacted me to catch up. At the end of the conversation, he told me that I may not hear from him for a while because he was involved in a domestic assault (where he punched his girlfriend’s sister) and may go to jail. A few weeks ago, his brother called me and asked for my contact information, which I gave to him, because I figured he was in jail.

I started getting these collect calls on my cell phone (my only phone) but I can’t accept them, so I called his sister to relay to him that I could not receive the calls. I told her that he could probably just wait to call me when he got out in a few months because I did not think that he would get a lot of time for a simple assault. When she heard this, she explained to me that my friend (her brother) lied to me about why he was incarcerated; he was convicted of sexually assaulting his girlfriend’s daughters (ages 4 and 6), and that he was sentenced to 39 years. I checked the state sex offender registry and he is now listed there. The day after I talked to his sister, I got a letter from him where he continued to push the original lie (that he was in jail for punching his girlfriend’s sister) because he didn’t know I had gotten the truth from his family the night before. I sent him a letter telling him that I knew the truth and that I would continue talking to him but only if he stopped lying to me. I got a letter back from him yesterday and he admitted to lying to some things but wouldn’t provide details because of his pending appeal. He does, however, seem to believe that he can try and manipulate me by suggesting he’s not completely guilty and that his girlfriend’s sister somehow set him up. He didn’t offer any details of this, but his attempt is obvious.

I am currently going through the RCIA and I do not know how to approach this situation from a Christian standpoint (if that makes sense); I’m looking for some guidance as to how God wants me to approach this. I, personally, want to send him a letter telling him that I no longer want to speak to him because he isn’t telling me the truth, but my heart tells me that I should be doing something to try and help him come towards God.

Thank you in advance.

 

[1ke]

He is sick person. He needs professional counseling and professional help.

I would not have contact with him or try to be his “friend.”

There are Catholic priests who do prison ministry. Suggest that he ask to speak to a Catholic priest and start spiritual counseling to get help.

Honey, you are not a professional and this is not a situation to mess around with.

A man who you’ve had no contact with suddenly calls you out of the blue to “catch up” after being convicted of sexual assault of two children? Something is rotten in Denmark. He is manipulating you for some purpose-- the next thing he will probably do is ask you for money.

 

[KCtheMommy]

He is sick person. He needs professional counseling and professional help.

I would not have contact with him or try to be his “friend.”

There are Catholic priests who do prison ministry. Suggest that he ask to speak to a Catholic priest and start spiritual counseling to get help.

Honey, you are not a professional and this is not a situation to mess around with.

A man who you’ve had no contact with suddenly calls you out of the blue to “catch up” after being convicted of sexual assault of two children? Something is rotten in Denmark. He is manipulating you for some purpose– the next thing he will probably do is ask you for money.

Totally agree.

Right now you need to worry about your spirituality and learning all about your new church. There is SO much theology and information seeing as we are not sola scriptura, you’ll have a lot to keep you busy.

If your heart is set on helping people who are incarcerated in turning to God, there ARE many ministries that go to jails and prisons in which you can join and offer your witness to faith.

You didn’t indicate your sex, so I don’t know if you are male or female. Either way, once you become Catholic, ask your priest for the local ministry who does minister to incarcerated people and go from there. There are nuns who often go to women’s prison’s and you may be able to help them if you are female, and it would probably be safer both physically and mentally for you.

If you are male, learn more about the ministries that help incarcerated men.

But this guy – forget about talking to him! If you do have anything to do with him further I think you’ll be very sorry indeed.
You can always include him in your prayer intentions though!

God Bless.

 

[Nanny_PK]

I agree with the previous poster – he’s manipulating you!!!

I work in a courtroom and I am constantly surrounded by criminals. Most criminal defendants use people and manipulate them to their side – especially child molesters.

I would continue to pray for him but I would break off ALL contact with him unless and until he has taken full responsibility for his actions.

 

[Eucharisted]

Pray for him and for the prison ministers.

 

[Island_Oak]

Change your phone number and if he contacts you by mail, return the letter unopened. You should have nothing to do with him. He was not a friend or anyone with whom you had a relationship. He’s a manipulative creep who you met in your past. You owe him nothing.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Agree with everybody else. His sister let you in on the secret. Just cut him off without so much as another letter. Pray for him, but do not at any time encourage this.

In addition, I would let my cell phone provider know that I have a victim of a child molester, in that he lied to me and is now calling me. I would get a new cell phone number and give it NOBODY unless it was absolutely necessary.

I know he’s locked up. But these people feel free to pass around phone numbers. If he knows you have children or even knows if you are single, other molesters and criminals might soon know you have children or are single as well- molesters and criminals who aren’t in prison.

I would think about a security service, as well, such as ADT or Brink’s.

There is nothing in Catholic teaching or Christian practice, in the Bible or for that matter any place else that says you have to leave your common sense at the door when you become a Christian, and esp. when you become a Catholic. You don’t have to be rude or arrogant, but your first responsibility is to yourself and any kids!

 

[Serap]

I am a survivor of childhood abuse and I can tell you that perpertrators usually remain in denial their whole lives. The person that hurt me never admitted to doing it ever and still denies it as though it’s all in my imagination - he even convinced my mother that it was all in my head.

They do that because they know that the truth can come back to haunt them. They justify it saying to themselves, “well I didn’t actually do this with her or that…so it wasn’t as bad as what you read in the papers. If I keep denying it, she’ll think that maybe she imagined it. I will also deny it to everyone else too.”

He’s sick and stay away from him. Pray for him and leave it at that.

uughhh!

Because I’m a survivor, hearing these stories makes me feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know if you are male or female, but in any case, stay away!

Pray for his conversion while he’s in prison. Pray for him to open his heart to see the pain and suffering he has caused these two poor innocent victims. Pray that he will ask God for forgiveness.

Most of all, pray for the victims that they will heal and become confident, headstrong adults. Pray that the victims will be protected by God during this hard time.

Everyone on this thread I hope will pray for the innocent children that have lost their childhood forever.

 

[RubyT]

Although this person is not beyond redemption in no way are you obligated to help. Only the Prison church staff and Jesus can help him now. I admire your interest to help him but it is beyond your capability, so why try. All you can do is pray for him and the prison ministry. I agree with the previous posters, next he will be asking for money. I will also pray for him and you too. So sorry he has put your faith to the test but don’t feel guilty for ignoring any further communication from him. Give this problem to God.

Bless you my friend.

 

[damooster]

I am a survivor of childhood abuse and I can tell you that perpertrators usually remain in denial their whole lives.

Thank you for having the courage to share your story with me.

OutinChgoBurbs:

I would get a new cell phone number and give it NOBODY unless it was absolutely necessary.

I totally didn’t think about this but you bring up a great point. Stinks that I have to change my number, but I don’t want him, or anyone else in jail there to have my phone number.

Thanks to everyone for their firm advice. I don’t plan on writing him back.

And by the way…I’m a guy .

 

[kage_ar]

Contact Kairos at his prison and ask them to reach out to him:

kairosprisonministry.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=23761&PID=77453

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

And by the way…I’m a guy .

Criminals don’t care if you’re a guy.

 

[IrishAm]

Contact the prison. They can typically block your number from being called from their phones. At least, I know that was an option to me in Illinois some years ago when we were suddenly being called collect from the state prison. We were apparently a “wrong number” – but once we had been called once, we were called multiple times, despite always refusing the calls.

If this person is calling you; your number may also be given to others. Don’t mess with it.

 

[Nanny_PK]

Contact the prison. They can typically block your number from being called from their phones. At least, I know that was an option to me in Illinois some years ago when we were suddenly being called collect from the state prison. We were apparently a “wrong number” – but once we had been called once, we were called multiple times, despite always refusing the calls.

If this person is calling you; your number may also be given to others. Don’t mess with it.

I know in Texas you can be put on a do not contact list. As I mentioned in a previous post, I work in a courtroom, and I had an inmate who liked writing letters – I’m a court reporter and I had done his trial transcript. If this particular inmate did not like what you had to tell him, he refused to listen and then would begin threatening. So I had him blocked.

What I would suggest you do is contact the unit that he’s in and ask to speak to someone who handles the inmate’s mail. They can then give you further instructions about what to do.

 

[Phemie]

I am a survivor of childhood abuse and I can tell you that perpertrators usually remain in denial their whole lives. The person that hurt me never admitted to doing it ever and still denies it as though it’s all in my imagination - he even convinced my mother that it was all in my head.

They do that because they know that the truth can come back to haunt them. They justify it saying to themselves, “well I didn’t actually do this with her or that…so it wasn’t as bad as what you read in the papers. If I keep denying it, she’ll think that maybe she imagined it. I will also deny it to everyone else too.”

He’s sick and stay away from him. Pray for him and leave it at that.

uughhh!

Yes, Serap is right. Consider yourself lucky that you have the choice of whether or not to have contact with him.

My BIL spent time in jail for abusing some of his students and a Little Brother. Up to the day he pleaded guilty, he repeatedly told us he didn’t know what he was being accused of – BS of course since the charge would list the offenses – and that he was innocent of any crime.

In jail he still refused to accept responsibility and now he is seeking a pardon which would pretty much expunge his record – terrifying to think that this possible, but it does happen.

It came as a shock when DD invited him to her wedding (I had to respect the fact that she wanted ALL her relatives there) and an even greater shock when he showed up and DH & I had to pretend everything was fine.

 

[damooster]

Criminals don’t care if you’re a guy.

I just brought this up because some in this post questioned what my gender was .

kage_ar:

Contact Kairos at his prison and ask them to reach out to him:

I contacted the Kairos prison ministry to see if they can reach out to him, thanks for the information!
Nanny PK:

I know in Texas you can be put on a do not contact list.

If he continues to try to contact me, I’m going to try this route. I’m going to tell his family that I don’t want to talk to him, so hopefully he leaves it at that.

Thanks again everyone.