What's the difference between incomplete consent and a difficult situation?

[brianwalden]

My wife isn’t Catholic and sees no problem with contraception. We use it. Every priest I’ve gone to confession to tells me that I’m not culpable because I don’t fully consent to it. I accept that they have the authority to make this determination in the confessional but I don’t understand it.

I admit that I can’t do anything about my wife’s decision to use contraception, but I am in complete control over my own decision of whether or not to engage in contraceptive sex. I realize that this is a very difficult situation, but the only way I can see myself not having full consent is if she threatened me with divorce if I wouldn’t engage in contraceptive sex or some situation like that where I’m forced to choose between two sins. Unless she actually makes a claim like that, I don’t think it’s prudent to assume that such a threat exists.

I know why I do it. My wife doesn’t understand; she thinks I’m reluctant to engage in contraceptive sex because I don’t find her attractive or don’t love her enough. So I do it so I won’t hurt her feelings. But this is a misuse of the natural compassion I feel for her. I shouldn’t use it as an excuse to engage in an act that from objective standpoint is harmful to our souls and our marriage even if (in the best of circumstances) God judges that neither of us is personally culpable. Standing up for the Church’s teaching in this instance is extremely challenging and emotionally painful, but I don’t see where compulsion comes into play.

I’m the one who knows the Truth and yet acts contrary to it. I’m the one who is responsible for leading my wife as the head of the family and yet I cave in instead of setting the proper example. I’m the one who is commanded to love her as Christ loves his Church and yet acts selfishly instead. I appreciate that this is a very difficult circumstance, but I can’t see the gun pointed at my head which takes away my consent.

I realize that any sin I’m responsible for is taken away at confession, but it would be nice for the priest to actually acknowledge that I’m responsible to some extent. I also wonder if they give this same advice to women. I can’t imagine them telling a wife who’s husband insists on using contraception to just keep giving him what he wants - you’re not culpable.

 

[jkatpc]

BLUF, if you are not the user of contraception (i.e., condoms) and are continually trying to convince her of the truth of the church’s position, you are not proscribed from the marital embrace.

This question was recently asked and answered in the AAA forum.

 

[brianwalden]

Thank you jkatpc, I went through the Ask An Apologist forum going back to February and the only one I saw related to the subject is if a wife has to take birth control for some other medical condition. Can you point me to the correct topic.

Also, what does it matter who is using the contraception? To look at it in a different light… Let’s say, hypothetically, my wife has has some disease that can only be treated by injections of a medicine made directly from human embryos. She chooses to take this medicine but can’t inject herself. If she asks me to give her the medicine and I do, aren’t I just as culpable as she is for helping her to engage in this sinful act. In fact I’m probably more culpable because I fully understand the Truth and am therefore responsible for guiding her. Helping her to participate in a sin that she would not be able to perform without my aid is not charitable - it’s committing violence against her.

Also what does it matter how often I try to convince my wife of the Church’s teachings. To look at another hypothetical situation, let’s say I run a charity that does great work for children (or the homeless or whatever your favorite cause is). If I start skimming money from the charity for myself, is my sin of theft lessened because of all the good that the charity does?

I realize that one spouse has no control over the situation when another insists on using contraception, but while we don’t control the situation we still control whether or not we choose to participate in our spouses requests for contraceptive sex. I don’t see where a man’s ability to choose freely is taken away in regard to this situation unless he’s being threatened for choosing not participate. I can’t think of any other situation where the Church teaches that it is permissible to help someone to perform an objectively sinful act, yet this is what I’m constantly told concerning my marriage.

I can accept the fact that I’m a sinner and I’m weak and choose the easy path rather than the right one. But it troubles me that when one spouse insists on contraception we’re basically told to give up and let them have their way. It’s cowardly and unchristian. I’m looking for someone to tell me to suck it up and be a man and do what’s right and objectively good for both us. Instead it seems like everywhere I turn I’m told to just lie down and accept defeat.

 

[kage_ar]

Perhaps this is not a direct answer to your question, however, in your post something stood out.

It seems you have made it clear to your wife that you have a moral and spiritual struggle with contraception, and that she uses the tactics of “you don’t find me attractive or love me” to guilt you into having relations? I cannot fathom my spouse using guilt trips to get me to abandon my moral principals.

I will pray for your wife.

 

[brianwalden]

Perhaps this is not a direct answer to your question, however, in your post something stood out.

It seems you have made it clear to your wife that you have a moral and spiritual struggle with contraception, and that she uses the tactics of “you don’t find me attractive or love me” to guilt you into having relations? I cannot fathom my spouse using guilt trips to get me to abandon my moral principals.

I will pray for your wife.

It’s not that she’s trying to guilt me. She legitimately doesn’t understand and that combined with insecurities about her image that sadly are common to many women leads her those feelings. She comes from a mainline protestant background which means she doesn’t have a concept of absolute truth or sacramental marriage. Without that framework it’s very hard to understand the Church’s teachings about our sexuality. I don’t blame her, I just pray that her ignorance isn’t willful and that I won’t get in the way of the Holy Spirit - He’s the only one who can give her eyes of faith.

But I don’t want to make this about my wife, I’m concerned with my actions and whether they’re right or wrong.

 

[jkatpc]

Here’s the link with the actual response. The question asked recently pointed to this link. forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=61621

I guess the key is engaging in sexual relations for the sake of the marriage–i.e., not engaging could cause unnecessary strife. However, nobody says you just lie back and give up. You still need to gently remind her why you think it’s wrong. A small stream will make a canyon, but it doesn’t happen over night.

 

[jkatpc]

Reading a little more down your second post, I don’t think you’re correct when you say you are engaging in an objectively sinful act. The objectively sinful act is the use of ABC, not the intercourse. If you begin the act and end it open to life (after all, no ABC is 100%), despite your wife’s opposition to your beliefs, then you’re OK. The uniative aspect of the act may put you in a better position to convince her of your beliefs. If you kick your logic down the road a little, what if, by denying her sex because of her use of contraception, you push her into a relationship where she will find what she isn’t getting from you? Isn’t that also leading her to sin (I mean, by your logic)?

Perhaps to assuage your “guilt” you can carve out a period of time during the month that might have been her “fertile” time and abstain, offering it up as a personal sacrifice?

 

[baltobetsy]

jkatpc, you give great advice!

To the OP: There’s a danger in relying solely on the knowledge that we have gained from our personal study, unless perhaps we have a degree in moral and/or sacramental theology. Your reasoning is good, as far as it goes. However, all those priests you have consulted gave you a different answer because they have studied the issue from diverse and different perspectives. What *you *have is a thorough study of the reasons against artificial contraception, which is a very important part of the picture. Is is not, however, the entire picture. What is necessary to complete the picture is the cultivation of the marriage relationship, which must be balanced with the evils of contraception.

So the advice you have received in Confession was not pulled out of thin air by the priests - it’s the Church’s position on the subject. I hope someone can give you some good reading material to help you round out your understanding. I am not that person, for sure!

But I don’t think the either God or the Church just want you to man up and fight this thing to the death. Sometimes the man that God wants you to be is more gentle and understanding. God surprises us every day! “What - you mean I really don’t have to do the most difficult thing???” Not always.

Betsy