The worst trauma felt by the individual I think is not the physical accidents or ailments, but the betrayals, especially betrayal by those we trust and love the most, because this shakes our faith and trust in God himself, and so is the hardest trauma to overcome.
Without a doubt, my husband’s betrayal-- finding out recently about multiple secret friendships with women, one of them that has lasted virtually our entire marriage, and understanding that chances are very great there has been physical infidelity, about which he will always lie – is the worst trauma I’ve ever experienced.
He insists he’s told me everything, even though the story doesn’t really ‘fit’ with the facts. And then, something more will come out, and I’m back to square one as an emotional wreck.
This week, it was him confirming my gut feeling that it was his ‘friend’s’ idea to set up the secret e-mail account in the first place. I’ve long suspected it was her idea, but hearing it was a literal, physical pain, like a knife digging into my stomach and heart.
Annie, you offer great insight in saying that it shakes your trust even in God. I read among my spiritual readings that Jesus is our big brother, and all I could think was, Jesus knows everything. My big brother wouldn’t have sat by for thirteen years, knowing my husband was lying to me, and doing nothing to clue me in. God is my Father, yet He allowed that?
It has made all God’s promises appear hollow and empty. “Even an earthly father does not give his son snakes when he asks for bread. How much better does our Heavenly Father know how to give us gifts?” [serious paraphrasing, sorry]. Yet my earthly father, had he known my husband was having weekly coffee dates with another woman and lying to me about where he’d been… wouldn’t have abandoned me to ignorance like that. I prayed long and hard before marrying him, seeking God’s will, and it feels like betrayal and abandonment that this is apparently God’s will for me. It makes me feel worthless even to God.
It has taken its toll on every aspect of my life. No, I don’t think I will ever ‘be over it.’ I try to have faith that this is making me stronger, that there is some redemptive suffering value in it, that my attempts to offer it up are helping someone. But it’s hard.
Thank you to the OP for asking the question, and all who answered. I look forward to reading the rest of it, and continuing to gain comfort and insights.
(caused the explosions), propane tank on front porch, and had a space heater going which caught some clothes on fire which kicked off the whole tradgedy. 