My apologies for what happened to you and for not really answering with any insights before… I think it just had me a little emotional that I was admitting what I had for so long not told anyone except for a few close people in my life, and in the process I neglected to really answer what you had written. The particulars of what and how I experienced what I did are not important, but I will share what I can of what I learned in hopes that it may somehow help.
Traumatic events, no matter what they are, do take a long time to go away. They frequently shake our lives to the very core, and make us question the goodness in others, who we are and even our own faith in God. But if we are really lucky, they teach us something. About others, about ourselves, and about God and his plan for us.
You may not yet know the reason why you went through what you did, but for me it has helped to think about how it has changed me, and in that, I have to wonder if those changes are at least in part why it occurred.
My latest traumatic experience taught me the value of not letting others get the best of me in anger, as my defending myself with words of anger resulted in another’s retaliation in a far worse way. It made me more careful, as I frequently think others will not harm me so horribly just for expressing anger out loud. It taught me gentleness, as my seemingly small verbal reaction to someone so inwardly vengeful brought about a major chain of events I could have never predicted under normal circumstances. It made me realize that not all who are accused are guilty, and in my suffering has opened up a compassion for others which may not have been so strong before. I see others differently, and it has taught me that you can never truly know what another person is living with inside, regardless of how the appear on the outside.
It broke me in so many ways, and humbled me in so many others. I cried, I pleaded, begged for His Mercy, and it brought to my knees. In that, it brought me true humility.
But through it all, arrest and humiliation, being jailed and having to defend myself, He granted me miracles. It showed me his mercy and justice, and led me through a very, very dark time. In that, it brought me gratitude.
True gratitude and a stronger faith I may never have gained otherwise.
What I had to learn, and still need to learn, is patience. For not all things will come
when you need them to come, and just because you don’t think your prayers are being answered, doesn’t mean they aren’t. What it does mean, is they are answered in
His way, in
His own time. And when they are, you will be so truly amazed at how it falls into place. You will see, that through the anguish and the heartache, he was molding you, guiding you, and bringing you to a place and time where you may not have been ready to be taken or appreciate as much had it happened a moment sooner or in any other way.
I know it is hard, living so long and not feeling as if you have healed at all, I truly feel for you and have felt this way before. But
please, do not lose hope, do
not lose faith, and do
not resign yourself to the belief that you are not being heard or answered by him. You will never be the same, no, that is true. But it is frequently in the changes from what you were that He shows you what he wants you to be.
I truly believe you will be rewarded if only you continue to have faith and know, in your heart and soul, he has
not abandoned you.
I wish you nothing but love, grace and the healing only Our Lord can bring…
and please know, we
are here for you
:heaven: