What's With Protestant Funerals ?

[CentralFLJames]

I want to cry right now. I just attended a Protestant friend’s funeral and it felt so “empty” of meaning or significance.

Can anyone give insights in how Protestants “get closure” after a loved on dies? The funeral “celebrations” seem so “empty” of significance or purpose and almost seem to be an act of defiance to the need for natural human mourning. There is absolutely NO ritual or liturgy. As a life long Catholic who loves the substance and dimension of a Holy Mass and the traditions associated with the prayers for the dead and the burial rites and traditions I had this sad feeling like “where’s the beef?”. There was NOTHING to get into and come away with any sense of fulfillment or closure.

I will give an account of what I saw and what I found disturbing as a Catholic in the next post in this thread.

James

 

[CentralFLJames]

I want to cry right now.

I went to a Protestant friend’s funeral today. It was the first ever Baptist funeral I ever attended. I walked in and went to comfort his wife but ended up tearing up and getting pretty emotional. She ended up comforting me and had a painted on smile; which I saw right through and knew she was hurting - which worsened it for me. She said she was happy I came to help her “celebrate” her husband’s life. I immediately sensed from the fairly large congregational gathering an exaggerated aura of forced detachment from “the shell” of the corpse. I sensed it would be an insult to pray over the corpse or show it any respect; ‘he was gone to heaven to be with The Lord and was no longer here’.

His widow took me by the hand and walked me up to the open casket in front of the rest of the congregation while a stunningly good gospel singing group was singing some very beautiful music on stage. I wanted to take a moment to pray in front of the casket but there was no place to kneel. Besides that the many grandchildren and other friends were all gathering around and talking, and laughing and shaking each other’s hands and “celebrating”. Occasionally a small child would stand on her tippy toes while grabbing the corner of the coffin to life herself up to peak curiously inside. A video show of warm family portraits was running on the stage screen behind us. As I said, I wanted to pray over the corpse but had a sense that any prayers might be taken as offensive, improper or even as “corpse worshiping”. So I just shook some hands as I was introduce to other family members sitting in the front pew and returned to my seat feeling no sense of closure.

The singers continued their beautiful songs. People sporadically said “amen” or clapped all around me while smiling and talking as new people arrived. It really felt like a pep rally or social gathering. Only a few people occasionally wiped private tears out of their eyes – seemingly as if in secret so as not to make the occasion gloomy or be disrespectful and imply that the departed was not already in heaven. It seemed almost ethereal and artificial in that it was non-emotional at all - almost indifferent to our natural human emotions.

Then the preacher gets up and said a few comments about my friend then turned it into an opportunity to proselytize and lecture and even put down Catholics! It was 3-5 minutes for my friend then 25 minutes of lecture on Jesus and God’s House (his building). He was inviting anyone that was not saved and felt called to be sure to come see him after the “celebration”. He said ‘everyone was a sinner and would die just like my friend so better come to Jesus while there’s time’. He went on that ‘we are not here to morn the departed saved in heaven but to celebrate Jesus’ victory in saving this poor sinner’! ‘We are all to die as sinners but “you too can go to heaven” just like this poor sinner if “you are saved”’.

[continued]
James

 

[CentralFLJames]

[continued from above]
I was very disappointed and sad for my friend. There was no depth to the gathering. It felt like I was in the presence of emotionless zombies who were all dutifully going through the motions and occasionally blurting out “amen” as if on demand to certain parts of the minister’s speech. But I know in spite of the staged “happy gathering” some were secretly hurting - especially a few woman as you could see them lean on their husbands and trying to catch their breaths and not cry.

Coming from the rich liturgy of the Catholic mass and burial rites this “celebration” felt SO alien and utterly superficial to me . I never felt a gathering so vacuous of human empathy and emotion all my life. Everyone was nicely dressed and outwardly very wholesome and descent looking. But my God - except for the preachers shouting at us there was absolutely NO EMOTION and absolutely no sense of worship nor structure nor substance nor liturgy in the gathering…

I want to weep for our Protestant brothers. Do they have any idea or clue at all what they are missing by having no liturgical gathering, no blessings and no rites whatsoever?

James

 

[Mickey]

There was NOTHING to get into and come away with any sense of fulfillment or closure.

I will give an account of what I saw and what I found disturbing as a Catholic in the next post in this thread.

Everyone knows that you love being Roman Catholic. But there is no need to continuously insult your Christian brothers and sisters.

 

[NDfan]

I want to cry right now. I just attended a Protestant friend’s funeral and it felt so “empty” of meaning or significance.

Can anyone give insights in how Protestants “get closure” after a loved on dies? The funeral “celebrations” seem so “empty” of significance or purpose and almost seem to be an act of defiance to the need for natural human mourning. There is absolutely NO ritual or liturgy. As a life long Catholic who loves the substance and dimension of a Holy Mass and the traditions associated with the prayers for the dead and the burial rites and traditions I had this sad feeling like “where’s the beef?”. There was NOTHING to get into and come away with any sense of fulfillment or closure.

I will give an account of what I saw and what I found disturbing as a Catholic in the next post in this thread.

James

James did the family seem to have closure??

 

[jc-servant]

You are generalizing about all Protestants when they are quite different. Some Protestant churches are liturgical and others are not. Some funerals are emotional outpourings and others are not. I get angry when uninformed people make generalizations and assumptions about our Catholic liturgy and it is not any better when the same thing happens in reverse.

Catholics are not all required to have a full funeral mass, so you cannot properly generalize about that experience either.

 

[EmergencyOps]

The only two funerals I’ve been two were both Baptist (one in north central Texas and one in east Texas), and there was scripture and plenty of meaning at both of them. I’ve never been to a Catholic funeral before, so I really can’t compare the two.

-Mark

 

[CentralFLJames]

Here is the OP story I want to convey:

I want to cry right now.

I went to the funeral of a Protestant friend today. It was the first ever Baptist funeral I attended. I walked in and went to comfort his wife but ended up tearing up and getting pretty emotional. She ended up comforting me and had a painted on smile; which I saw right through and knew she was hurting - which worsened it for me. She said she was happy I came to help her “celebrate” her husband’s life. I immediately sensed from the fairly large congregational gathering an exaggerated aura of forced detachment from “the shell” of the corpse. I sensed it would be an insult to pray over the corpse or show it any respect; ‘he was gone to heaven to be with The Lord and was no longer here’.

His widow took me by the hand and walked me up to the open casket in front of the rest of the congregation while a stunningly good gospel singing group was singing some very beautiful music on stage. I wanted to take a moment to pray in front of the casket but there was no place to kneel. Besides that the many grandchildren and other friends were all gathering around and talking, and laughing and shaking each other’s hands and “celebrating”. Occasionally a small child would stand on her tippy toes while grabbing the corner of the coffin to lift herself up to peak curiously inside. A video show of warm family portraits was running on the stage screen behind us. As I said, I wanted to pray over the corpse but had a sense that any prayers might be taken as offensive, improper or even as “corpse worshiping”. So I just shook some hands as I was introduce to other family members sitting in the front pew and returned to my seat feeling no sense of closure.

The singers continued their beautiful songs. People sporadically said “amen” or clapped all around me while smiling and talking as new people arrived. It really felt like a pep rally or social gathering. Only a few people occasionally wiped private tears out of their eyes – seemingly as if in secret so as not to make the occasion gloomy or be disrespectful and imply that the departed was not already in heaven. It seemed almost ethereal and artificial in that it was non-emotional at all - almost indifferent to our natural human emotions.

Then the preacher gets up and said a few comments about my friend then turned it into an opportunity to proselytize and lecture and even put down Catholics! It was 3-5 minutes for my friend then 25 minutes of lecture on Jesus and God’s House (his building). He was inviting anyone that was not saved and felt called to be sure to come see him after the “celebration”. He said ‘everyone was a sinner and would die just like my friend so better come to Jesus while there’s time’. He went on that ‘we are not here to morn the departed saved in heaven but to celebrate Jesus’ victory in saving this poor sinner’! ‘We are all to die as sinners but “you too can go to heaven” just like this poor sinner if “you are saved”’.

[continued]
James

 

[jmcrae]

The Protestant and secular funerals that I’ve been to aren’t liturgical, but they definitely have ritual aspects to them. For example, it seems to be a requirement that everyone get up and share memories about the person. Scripture is read out, along with poetry and other literature. The person’s favourite music is played. Pictures are displayed - lots and lots of pictures. At a memorial last summer that I went to, they even had the person’s passport and birth certificate on display.

 

[CentralFLJames]

[continued story from above]
The preacher really dinged Catholics saying ‘it’s pointless to pray lots of fancy prayers, rely on religions or traditions or ceremonies and rituals and superstitions that are not biblical’. He seemed to be looking right at me as if someone had tipped him off that there was a Catholic in the pews. I returned back a stern stare through teary eyes and felt like screaming "how dare you turn my friend’s funeral into a marketing and recruitment speech and to slam Catholics!’ But this was my friend and I could hold my anger out of respect for him. But the preacher and I did make determined eye contact and had “a stare down” during this part of it. I was livid and he must have saw that because I actually saw his hand shake and heard his voice quiver. He knew exactly how outraged I was. I felt like saying “this is my friend and he liked me and I am Catholic!” But we were here for my friend so I sat there biting my tongue and silently prayed while trying to be respectful to his religion and pay him my last respects. Then the preacher suddenly starts with the SHOUTING and the SCREAMING at the top of his voice through an amplified microphone saying ‘it is only by “faith anyone” any SINNER is saved and even if you are a sinner Jesus does it all for you. You just got to be saved and believe or you go to HELL!’

I wanted to PUKE!

There was NO REVERENCE - NONE. My ears were ringing from the shouting. I was torn with emotion wanting to have more reverence for my friend and to say some prayers for HIM - not use his death as a recruitment opportunity and to impugn Catholics. The only prayers we got was a brief one about ‘people to come and know Jesus as their personal savior’.

We then sang a song and the funeral director nonchalantly had his employees close the coffin and roll it out the door as we were singing. There was no emotion and no announcement. We were not supposed to even notice “the empty shell” gone and to keep singing and celebrate. I signed myself with the cross as my friend’s body wheeled past and said “bye friend” under my breath. I must have broken protocol since it caught the eye of one of the young pall bearers who nodded and smiled at the realization I was not Baptist.

We had a final concluding hymn and then were invited to a reception in the adjoining hall as the hearse drove off with the coffin - presumably to intern it at the cemetery.

I was very disappointed and sad for my friend. There was no depth to the gathering. It felt like I was in the presence of emotionless zombies who were all dutifully going through the motions and occasionally blurting out “amen” as if on demand to certain parts of the minister’s speech. But I know in spite of the staged “happy gathering” some were secretly hurting - especially a few woman as you could see them lean on their husbands and trying to catch their breaths and not cry.

Coming from the rich liturgy of the Catholic mass and burial rites this “celebration” felt SO alien and utterly superficial to me . I never felt a gathering so vacuous of human empathy and emotion all my life. Everyone was nicely dressed and outwardly very wholesome and descent looking. But my God - except for the preachers shouting at us there was absolutely NO EMOTION and absolutely no sense of worship nor structure nor substance nor liturgy in the gathering…

I want to weep for our Protestant brothers. Do they have any idea or clue at all what they are missing by having no liturgical gathering, no blessings and no rites whatsoever?

James

 

[CentralFLJames]

Man you guys jumped all over me on this thread in a matter of moments before I could even get the multi-page post completed.

I exceeded the post size and had to cut it into 2 parts to correct it.

Sorry,
James

 

[jmcrae]

James;

I’ve never been to a Baptist funeral.

I grew up Protestant (United Church of Canada), but I’ve also never been to a funeral where the funeral home people were left to bury the body by themselves -the family, at least, goes with them, and usually at least a few close friends, as well.

A second memorial is normally done at the graveside, with Scripture readings and hymn singing.

Protestants do tend to be unemotional at funerals, not because they don’t realize someone has died, but because in general it is considered bad form to cry in public. The exception is for those who were very close to the person, and these people bawl their eyes out quite freely, but in general, the attitude is that you don’t want to draw attention to yourself by crying, and thus upstage the body, or the family.

I also agree that Catholic funerals are better for the soul, because there are many more opportunities to make one’s last goodbyes with the deceased.

 

[ALLFORHIM]

Man you guys jumped all over me on this thread in a matter of moments before I could even get the multi-page post completed.

I exceeded the post size and had to cut it into 2 parts to correct it.

Sorry,
James

Hi,
As a born again christian this is exactly how I want my funeral to be.(Well except maybe for the screaming and shouting )

I want people to be happy and joyous and celebrate that I am in heaven. I dont want people to mope around.

I also want my minister to absolutely say what that minister did because it is the truth. I have family members that are not saved and I want them to hear the message of Jesus Christ and believe–so they will be with me in heaven some day. I really dont know what motives he had when talking about the ritual stuff, but it is true. If his motive was to ding the CC then shame on him but if his motive was to get the truth out there then AMEN!

Know with that said, I have been to more catholic funerals because of my in-laws. I dont have a problem with them at all.

I have not been to one of these types of funerals yet. Honestly, I have not been to a funeral where I knew the person was saved. I have been told it is a joyous occassion because they are in a heaven.

 

[CentralFLJames]

You are generalizing about all Protestants when they are quite different. Some Protestant churches are liturgical and others are not. Some funerals are emotional outpourings and others are not. I get angry when uninformed people make generalizations and assumptions about our Catholic liturgy and it is not any better when the same thing happens in reverse.

Catholics are not all required to have a full funeral mass, so you cannot properly generalize about that experience either.

Good and fair point JC.

But I am hurting inside and just was not prepared for such a fast good bye and had no chance to even go to the burial site or to pray for my friend at the service. All I was able to do for him was some special Divine Mercy chaplets the day before he died when he was sent to the hospital. I was just not emotionally prepared for what I encountered and felt like an alien in a strange land.

Jim

 

[NDfan]

James;

I’ve never been to a Baptist funeral.

I grew up Protestant (United Church of Canada), but I’ve also never been to a funeral where the funeral home people were left to bury the body by themselves -the family, at least, goes with them, and usually at least a few close friends, as well.

A second memorial is normally done at the graveside, with Scripture readings and hymn singing.

Protestants do tend to be unemotional at funerals, not because they don’t realize someone has died, but because in general it is considered bad form to cry in public. The exception is for those who were very close to the person, and these people bawl their eyes out quite freely, but in general, the attitude is that you don’t want to draw attention to yourself by crying, and thus upstage the body, or the family.

I also agree that Catholic funerals are better for the soul, because there are many more opportunities to make one’s last goodbyes with the deceased.

That’s a pretty judgemental statement given that you are from Canada which has one of the smallest populations of Christians. I’ve been to plenty Protestant funerals and crying is not an issue unlike what you are trying to imply. Maybe it’s bad form in Canada but I hardly think Canada is indicative of the whole world. As far as being good for the soul, what last goodbyes can you make being Catholic that a Protestant can’t??

 

[NDfan]

Good and fair point JC.

But I am hurting inside and just was not prepared for such a fast good bye and had no chance to even go to the burial site or to pray for my friend at the service. All I was able to do for him was some special Divine Mercy chaplets the day before he died when he was sent to the hospital. I was just not emotionally prepared for what I encountered and felt like an alien in a strange land.

Jim

James it’s not about you brother. Your spirit is well-intentioned but remember what Job’s friends did. They were peaceful, quiet, and supportive by just being there. Then they messed up terribly by trying to tell Job what they thought. Maybe your presence was all that was needed for your friend. If you are hurting so bad then pray to GOD for support. Don’t knock a Protestant funeral or try to categorize it into a bunch of generalizations.

PEACE

 

[jmcrae]

That’s a pretty judgemental statement given that you are from Canada which has one of the smallest populations of Christians. I’ve been to plenty Protestant funerals and crying is not an issue unlike what you are trying to imply. Maybe it’s bad form in Canada but I hardly think Canada is indicative of the whole world.

Obviously not. I was speaking about my personal experience. And yes, I suppose that Canadians are more restrained than, say, people from Mexico. But then again, Mexicans are usually Catholic.

As far as being good for the soul, what last goodbyes can you make being Catholic that a Protestant can’t??

Kneeling at the casket, kneeling at the grave side, praying the Rosary, praying the Divine Mercy, and attending the wake.

 

[DJgang]

I’m so sorry James that you had to experience that.

I was raised Baptist and have a family that is all Baptists, I"ve been to so many funerals, just like you described. I alsmot left my own grandma’s funeral because it turned into a thirty minute altar call !!! When my grandpa passed away, thankfully my mother told the preacher not to make an altar call.

What happens is, most people mourn, cry, weep, etc at home. Although I have seen a few people getting upset and crying before, but I have seen much more people just acting exactly they way that you described.

My DH had an uncle pass away last year. Everyone started standing around him, talking, laughing, cutting up…it really resembles a family reunion in the South…and I was sitting near the family, not talking and praying a Rosary for him. I told my husband what I would be doing, because I really felt like I should not be socializing…anyway…My DH’s mother came over to me and started talking about the kids, etc and it made me so mad…like we couldnt’ talk AFTER the funeral.

I don’t know what to tell you James. It appears that no one is mourning , etc, but more than likely they are, deep inside and are at home.

Please make sure to follow up with your friends wife this week and next week and the next.

 

[NDfan]

Obviously not. I was speaking about my personal experience. And yes, I suppose that Canadians are more restrained than, say, people from Mexico. But then again, Mexicans are usually Catholic.

Well I’m not from Mexico. But Protestants in the US have no problem crying I assure you. My wife lost her Protestant Father last year and there was plenty of crying and emotion.

Kneeling at the casket, kneeling at the grave side, praying the Rosary, praying the Divine Mercy, and attending the wake.

And you think that Protestants can’t kneel at the casket or the grave side?? Have you been to a Protestant funeral in the US? Do you not think Protestants have wake services?? You seem to be very misformed. Maybe the Protestant church of Canada you belonged to suffers from the same issue Canada itself suffers from overall. Lack of spirituality

 

[FCEGM]

James, I am so sorry for your loss of a dear friend; your experience, while it cannot be generalized for all of Protestantism, is representative of those non-liturgical denominations that have set aside all symbol for reliance solely on the word - and when the words ring hallow - especially during a harangue - there’s not much solace in them. I experienced much the same spiritual poverty (and not the right sort of spiritual poverty), though at a “non-denominational” wedding.