What's With Protestant Funerals ?

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OK settle down some of you guys. I made a mistake generalizing this to all protestants. We Catholics just forget that there is a lot of variability and tend to think more in terms of Catholics and non-Catholics.

I just think that tears and sorrow are as much a human virtue as are faith and love and need not ever be held back by “the tradition” of not showing emotion. I absolutely think tears and sorrow are an integral part of repentance and forgiveness and everytime we lose a loved one we have an opportunity to recollect our own mortality and renew our baptismal promises and call on God’s mercy. When we are sorrowful and hurting is when God works his real miracles in the human heart.

James
 
CentralFLJames said:
OK settle down some of you guys. I made a mistake generalizing this to all protestants. We Catholics just forget that there is a lot of variability and tend to think more in terms of Catholics and non-Catholics.

I just think that tears and sorrow are as much a human virtue as are faith and love and need not ever be held back by “the tradition” of not showing emotion. I absolutely think tears and sorrow are an integral part of repentance and forgiveness and everytime we lose a loved one we have an opportunity to recollect our own mortality and renew our baptismal promises and call on God’s mercy. When we are sorrowful and hurting is when God works his real miracles in the human heart.

James
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James I’m not sure why no one was crying but I’ve been to Protestant funerals and have seen plenty of crying. Sometimes it’s not so much religious affiliations that are associated with crying as much as cultural. For instance my family is mostly Italian. Very emotional and cry at every funeral whether it be Protestant or Roman Catholic. I attended a Roman Catholic funeral and the family was very matter of fact. They missed their loved one but also were glad their suffering was over. Hardly any crying, very little emotion.

PEACE Brother
 
I don’t know but if one loves a person, if the person dies, he naturally cries; it doesn’t matter when the soul goes. But nothing’s wrong with not crying or crying.

Ah, I remember Jesus cried too.
 
The world is different, not everyone thinks like you do. A funeral is not about you, its about the deceased and the family. IF prayers for the dead matter, it does not matter if they occured before, during, or after the service…
I cannot believe you are so emotional about people doing things differently than you. I have been to tons of Catholic funerals…people are different.
 
I’ve been to several funerals at my church and generally the family will come up and share some things about the deceased and we’ll sing a favorite hymn or two of the deceased and read the deceased’s favorite passage of scripture. Finally, the Pastor will stand and give a brief presentation of the gospel, focusing usually on the blessed hope of the Resurrection to all who place their trust in Christ. We don’t bash on anyone, but we want to make sure that, especially now when death is on everybody’s mind, that they know who Jesus is and what He’s done for us.

The most moving funeral I’ve ever been at (including Catholic) was my wife’s grandfather. He grew up Amish and wanted a traditional Amish funeral. We all gathered at the Mennonite church he belonged to and sang unaccompanied hymns… first in English from the “new” hymnal… then in Pennsylvania Dutch from the “old” hymnal. Finally, each of the Pastors of the church said a few words and then a Beachy Amish Pastor gave a stirring message. Then, in the traditional Amish way, we took him out to the grave yard and we… his family and friends… buried him with our own hands while the assembled congregation continued to sing hymns.

When my wife’s father died pretty young and rather unexpectedly from kidney failure, I learned that the Amish and Mennonites grieve hard in situations like that. I never saw people bawl and wail like that before, but as soon as that last shovel full of dirt hits the grave, they stop. It’s over. We’re sad because we miss him, but he’s with Jesus now and that’s what really matters.
 
Service of Death & Resurrection
United Methodist Liturgy

• Gathering
• Words of Grace
• Christian Greeting
• Hymn

• Prayer/Collect
• OT Lesson
• Psalm
• NT Lesson
• Psalm, Canticle, or Hymn
• Gospel Lesson
• Sermon/Homily
• Naming (Reading of Memorial/Obituary)
• Witness (Short testimony of friends and famliy, signs of faith, hope, love exchanged)
• Hymn
• Creed (Apostles’ or Nicene)

• Commendation Prayer
• The Great Thanksgiving (if there is a Eucharist) OR
Prayer of Thanksgiving
• The Lord’s Prayer
• (with Eucharist) Giving the Bread and Cup
• Hymn
• Benediction

Committal at graveside.
 
CentralFLJames said:
But I am hurting inside and just was not prepared for such a fast good bye and had no chance to even go to the burial site or to pray for my friend at the service.
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I know exactly how you feel Jim. My grandpa died about three and a half years ago. He was not Catholic, he was a non-practicing Baptist. He never went to church, only for weddings or funerals. When he died he was creamated immediately (I know this is acceptable for Catholics, this is not my point). We then had a “memorial service” for him at the funeral home. The only flowers there were from my employer. Everyone else knew not to send any. All the grandchildren read our eulogies - there was a lot of crying going on, but more laughter. I had made a display of four tables worth of life time mementos, photos, even a little outfit he wore as a child. When we left to walk out of the room we were in, we had salsa music playing over the speakers. He would have loved every minute of it.

I was left totally empty, never had an oportunity to grieve or to pray for his soul. To this day I feel as if he just disapeared from my life. I tried to explain this to my mom (one of his three daughters), but she doesn’t get it (she’s an atheist). Even a couple years later one of my girl cousins said she felt this way too - that it just didn’t seem as if we were given an opportunity to say good bye.

I prefer having the 2-3 days of visitation. I like saying the rosary at the funeral home. I need to see the people praying for the soul of the deceased, the priest talking about the white garments of baptism, and blessing the casket with holy water. It feeds my soul in a way that a “memoral service” or a “going home service” just doesn’t even come close.

I’m with you Jim - I think we Catholics truly understand where that person may or may not go, and the seriousness of that. And the importance of our prayers for their immortal soul. Because we are NOT saved by faith alone. And to pretend at the death of someone that they are is doing them a horrible injustice.

May the soul of your friend rest in peace, and may eternal light shine upon him. :signofcross:

~Liza
 
I’ve been to many Protestant funerals. I attended 4 last year alone. I can say that each one was different, but none “liturgical” except my aunt’s funeral in 2000.

She converted to Catholicism when she married, and died of metastatic melanoma at at age 50. A very, very sad situation. She died within a year of marrying.

No one in the family was Catholic except her husband, yet she wanted a Catholic funeral and we understood this. It was not our place to question it.

I can tell you that it was one of the most impersonal services I have ever attended. The priest did not know my aunt so it felt like a “fill in the blank service” - especially to my heartbroken grandparents. We (grandparents, most friends, her children, her brothers and sister, nieces and nephews) were clearly on the outside looking in. I understand why, but it still was difficult.

I know that Catholic funerals are not always this way. I recently had a conversation with a Catholic friend about her father’s funeral, and how wonderfully sensitive the priest and the parish women were.

What it boils down to, IMHO, is this: funerals are personal. We should respect the wishes of the deceased and the immediate family.

I’m puzzled by the way the OP is taking this so personally. Am I missing something here?
 
DDClark said:
I’m puzzled by the way the OP is taking this so personally. Am I missing something here?
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Please don’t feign naivety here - you know very well what I am upset over and you know what I learned today is in fact standard practise at certain of these Protestant denominations.

As a friend of the man I was outraged that the Baptist preacher took my friend’s death as an opportunity to prosetylize and build his own congregation and impugn other religious beliefs on the occasion of my friend’s death. That was just low class and indecent. As far as I am concerned that dishonored my friend. The preacher knew full well that there would be people in attendance who were not active Christians or were from other denominations visiting to pay respects. He took a sad and solemn occasion as a shameful and disgraceful opportunity to steal souls and converts for his own congregation and church. Absolutely tacky. I have never seen such a “yuk factor” in any Christian setting before.

My friend deserved better that that. He deserved to have the occasion for his friends to pray for him and show respects without being shouted at and barked at to “Come to Jesus and be saved”. The church even handed out contact cards to mail in for information on how to become a member of the church. I call that emotionally parasitic and tasteless.

This loud and screaming preacher struck me as the prototype model of what every Catholic abhors about fundamentalist preachers. Most of us though this preaching and entrapment “style” of prostelytizing went out 30-40 years ago. It was disturbing to see it was alive and vibrant still.

I will hold my own private and personal service for my friend at his graveside (as soon as I can find where its at) and also at the privacy of our chapel to give the man the respect he deserved. No one will ever know that his grave site was blessed with holy water and prayers were said to God asking him to deliver him from purgatory (if he needs that) and to protect his earthly remains from desecration. I will also send arrange to have perpetual masses said in his honor and send the mass card to his widow so she knows (I am certain she will respect it).

James
 
To an evangelical Protestant, the best thing that could come out of their death is for people to come to know Jesus Christ as Savior and Lord at their funeral.

Frankly, I feel the same way. If at my funeral, someone decides to come home to the Catholic Church, I would be thrilled. I can’t think of a more comforting thing for my loved ones than to have people become Christians at my funeral. What a gain out of great loss–souls for the Kingdom of God!

Evangelical Protestants believe that someone who hasn’t accepted Jesus as Savior is going to hell. They WANT people to accept Christ as Savior so that they can go to heaven.

So of course they are going to use every opportunity to witness about Jesus, including funerals. If a person accepts Jesus at a funeral, this a great tribute to the one who has passed on and very comforting to the family left behind.

I personally don’t have a problem with this. The Catholic Church teaches that the work of preaching the Gospel and bringing people into the Kingdom of God is of paramount importance. We should be willing to die so that others will believe in Jesus and convert to Christianity.

The minister was not trying to build up his church, but trying to bring people into the Kingdom of God. Keep in mind that Protestants don’t believe that the Church of Jesus is visible here on earth, but they believe in the invisible Church of Christ, and that all who are believers in Jesus are members of this “invisible church.”

If I were you, I would try not to be judgmental againt your fellow Christians (according to the Catechism, baptized believers are brothers and sisters in Christ).

And rather than resenting the pastor for aiming arrows at you, I would make an appointment with him and share your personal testimony of how Christ works in your life. Perhaps you can be used by the Holy Spirit to educate someone that Catholics ARE Christians and that liturgy and traditions are NOT empty.
 
NDfan said:
James did the family seem to have closure??
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No.

But I say that becuase I have a developed gift of empathy and can see right through the external appearances to what is rally going on in their hearts. The family, in spite of the happy faces, are hugely hurting - he was a special man.

Sure, on the surface they smiled and went along with the “celebration theme”. But it was clear to me through empathy that they were socially leveraged by the conventions into being held captive to the expectation of joy by the format and traditional expectation of the gathering.

James
 
Well, a funeral IS partially to celebrate the deceased’s life.

The body IS just a shell that is left here on earth.

The soul HAS left the body.

The person IS in heaven (presumably). (let’s leave the judgment business to God).

Besides that the many grandchildren and other friends were all gathering around and talking, and laughing and shaking each other’s hands and “celebrating”. Occasionally a small child would stand on her tippy toes while grabbing the corner of the coffin to lift herself up to peak curiously inside. A video show of warm family portraits was running on the stage screen behind us.

I see nothing wrong with this at all. People ARE celebrating that a deceased person is no longer in pain, is with God, etc. Children can be curious, and I see no problem with them peaking inside to look. Likewise, showing videos or having photo montages of the person’s life is wonderful!

Now, the screaming and shouting was inappropriate.

Presumably the deceased and his widow would have known what funerals are like in their church, so if the deceased would have been satisfied with it and if the widow was satisified, then that is all that really matters, IMO.

Say private prayers and don’t forget to check on the widow in 6 months when everyone else has moved on with their lives.
 
I have attended a few funerals at St. John’s Abbey in Collegeville.

These are CELEBRATIONS! There is singing, liturgy, and clapping at the end.

Why clapping? Because the deceased has attained the goal of heaven! The monks are cheering them on!

Now, this is a Catholic funeral, of course, with the liturgy, but it is also a joyful celebration.

That is how I want MY funeral to be! I do not want a lot of weeping and gnashing of teeth and sadness. I want everyone to be happy that I am now in heaven!

Of COURSE the widow is going to be sad. She is going to be sad for a long time. A funeral is not going to change that! That is why it is a grieving process.
 
lizaanne said:
I know exactly how you feel Jim.

I prefer having the 2-3 days of visitation. I like saying the rosary at the funeral home. I need to see the people praying for the soul of the deceased, the priest talking about the white garments of baptism, and blessing the casket with holy water. It feeds my soul in a way that a “memorial service” or a “going home service” just doesn’t even come close.

I’m with you Jim - I think we Catholics truly understand where that person may or may not go, and the seriousness of that. And the importance of our prayers for their immortal soul. Because we are NOT saved by faith alone. And to pretend at the death of someone that they are is doing them a horrible injustice.

May the soul of your friend rest in peace, and may eternal light shine upon him. :signofcross:

~Liza
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Thanks Liza. I feel a funeral is about 3 things. Its about honoring the person who died and by ushering them into their new life with prayers. It’s about letting grieving friends and family come to closure with their relationships; and reflecting on the virtues of that person as well as call to mind our own shortcomings or own mortality and to repent. It’s also about giving thanks to God for giving us the blessings of that person who loved us and to worship Jesus to thank Him for making making his presence known through recognizing His virtues in those departed we admired.

In instances like this I just thank God more and more for giving us the Catholic Liturgy of the Mass and the sacramental anointings of the dead as well as the sacrament of the Eucharist.

James
 
CentralFLJames said:
Please don’t feign naivety here - you know very well what I am upset over and you know what I learned today is in fact standard practise at certain of these Protestant denominations.

As a friend of the man I was outraged that the Baptist preacher took my friend’s death as an opportunity to prosetylize and build his own congregation and impugn other religious beliefs on the occasion of my friend’s death. That was just low class and indecent. As far as I am concerned that dishonored my friend. The preacher knew full well that there would be people in attendance who were not active Christians or were from other denominations visiting to pay respects. He took a sad and solemn occasion as a shameful and disgraceful opportunity to steal souls and converts for his own congregation and church. Absolutely tacky. I have never seen such a “yuk factor” in any Christian setting before.

My friend deserved better that that. He deserved to have the occasion for his friends to pray for him and show respects without being shouted at and barked at to “Come to Jesus and be saved”. The church even handed out contact cards to mail in for information on how to become a member of the church. I call that emotionally parasitic and tasteless.

This loud and screaming preacher struck me as the prototype model of what every Catholic abhors about fundamentalist preachers. Most of us though this preaching and entrapment “style” of prostelytizing went out 30-40 years ago. It was disturbing to see it was alive and vibrant still.

I will hold my own private and personal service for my friend at his graveside (as soon as I can find where its at) and also at the privacy of our chapel to give the man the respect he deserved. No one will ever know that his grave site was blessed with holy water and prayers were said to God asking him to deliver him from purgatory (if he needs that) and to protect his earthly remains from desecration. I will also send arrange to have perpetual masses said in his honor and send the mass card to his widow so she knows (I am certain she will respect it).

James
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No, James, I am not pretending to be naive. I stated what I believe to be true.

You are Catholic, and I understand your friend was not.

I also explained how I felt at my aunt’s funeral. In a sense, to me at least, it was the “flip” side of how you are feeling.

I think you should certainly hold your own personal service for your friend, especially if it helps you come to some sort of closure.
Sure, on the surface they smiled and went along with the “celebration theme”. But it was clear to me through empathy that they were socially leveraged by the conventions into being held captive to the expectation of joy by the format and traditional expectation of the gathering.
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I do think you should think long and carefully about how you handle yourself with your friend’s widow and family. Your statement above is arrogant, even if you are grieving.

ddc
 
It’s been a LONG time since I’ve been to a protestant funeral (that is, with a casket, not the cremains of a person – of which in my family, tend to be called a Memorial service… with the cremains being right there. Although, my great-aunt’s was an exception - it was a full fledged Catholic Mass.). I’d have to say it was maybe 20-25 years ago.

During the past 20 years…

3 family members were laid out in a traditional casket. Two only had a memorial service at the funeral palor. One was Catholic, and had scriptural readings, as well as a blessing, including a blessing and readings at the gravesite. The other two were Lutheran. One had a service at the funeral palor (Masons. :eek: ), and the other (20 years ago, so I vaguely remember it) was a full fledged Lutheran funeral service, plus readings at the gravesite. I’ve been to a few others where someone was laid out, but I think those were just services at a funeral palor.

5 family members (all within the past 10 years) were cremated. Three were Lutheran and had a Lutheran church service with scripture readings and the eulogy. One was Catholic, and had a full Catholic Funeral Mass. One was Catholic, but joined a non-denominational church (his sons’ “church” - they don’t refer to it as a church). That one was more like a memorial service, with family members giving eulogies (no readings), and singing a song for their dad (they play the gutair).

About half have had their remains scattered.

So, as far as a full fledged protestant funeral goes, I’ve never been to one in the past 20 years. Most of my family seems to be opting for the simplier cremation and memorial service. (with the ashes present) I don’t remember all of the details of funerals I’ve been to during the 80s (great-grandparents generation was dying off then), but it was either a full Lutheran or Catholic funeral mass.
 
DDClark said:
I do think you should think long and carefully about how you handle yourself with your friend’s widow and family. Your statement above is arrogant, even if you are grieving.

ddc
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How blatantly arrogant is it to be so judgmental and hypocritical without knowing a single thing about the closeness of my relationship with this family? And you want to call me arrogant? My advise - get out of the giving advise business.

If you must know, know that I knew them well. These are next door neighbors who were emotionally and spiritually close to me and my late wife. My friend was diagnosed with the same identical terminal cancer 6 months after my wife was diagnosed with it. This has been going on for 2 years. My wife died 9 months ago from the same disease. I have been coaching my friend and his wife about the medical aspects of the disease and the eventuality I knew they would face.

I can see exactly in her face how she feels and how fearful she is about running the business by herself. I know intimately what she is going through - we emailed each other encouragement and promises of prayers all the time. What makes it much worse is these were fundamentalist that fully expected God to cure Him of his advanced terminal cancer. They never believed that God would not cure them. They were shocked that my wife died from her terminal cancer and couldn’t understand it because “we though she had enough faith and trust in God to beat it”.

No, the surviving widow and family are most definitely not ready for this. No one can be. They will not handle it well because they expected God to cure them and He didn’t. She is inwardly devastated and I can recognize and see that kind of pain and fear as plain as I can read a book. I know this experientially, emotionally, intellectually and empathetically.

Enough said,
James
 
CentralFLJames said:
I want to cry right now. I just attended a Protestant friend’s funeral and it felt so “empty” of meaning or significance.

Can anyone give insights in how Protestants “get closure” after a loved on dies? The funeral “celebrations” seem so “empty” of significance or purpose and almost seem to be an act of defiance to the need for natural human mourning. There is absolutely NO ritual or liturgy. As a life long Catholic who loves the substance and dimension of a Holy Mass and the traditions associated with the prayers for the dead and the burial rites and traditions I had this sad feeling like “where’s the beef?”. There was NOTHING to get into and come away with any sense of fulfillment or closure.

I will give an account of what I saw and what I found disturbing as a Catholic in the next post in this thread.

James
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I know how you feel when I was younger, I lost a friend who was stabbed to death, he was an evangelical born again Christian, and at his funeral because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, his pastor preached him into hell, and then had an altar call. My family and I pitched in for his headstone. He was a happy guy, and owned his own barbershop. That was the last noncatholic christian burial I ever attended.

😦
 
James I’m sorry for your loss.
I understand what you are feeling.
I have been to many funerals of many different denominations. I always have walked away very sad and empty after a noncatholic service. I always want to pray for the soul who has passed away with others but this never happens. There is usually not much spiritual help offered for the family and the deceased(other than telling them that their loved one is in heaven like the pastor was there at the judgement of this soul).
The most spiritual funerals other than catholics is the Freemasons. I have have been to several of the Freemasons funerals and they are usually the only spiritual part of the funeral.
I did appreciate a Metholdist funeral I was at.
I have also experienced the look at the Catholic from the pastor and I did just as you did. I felt that it was so uncalled for being picked out and glared at for my faith.
 
I’m sure I’ve been to more funerals than any poster here - at least 2 or 3 every day for many years. I used to work in a funeral home.

I’ve attended Protestant, Catholic, Muslim, Hindu, and non religious funerals that have teared me up, even as a professional. I have been constantly touched by the depth of love, emotion, caring and support that I have witnessed. I have truly seen some of the best in humanity at many of these gatherings, irregardless of religious affiliation. I have also heard some of the most love filled, inspiring sermons & homilies at these gatherings.

I’ve also attended many funerals that were hollow, vulgar, and even disgusting. Again, regardless of faith. I have truly seen some of the worst in humanity at many of these gatherings. I have heard the absolute worst homilies & sermons, I have unfortunately witnessed terrible selections of scripture and gospel.

The only thing I’ve learned after the thousands of funerals I’ve been at, was that every funeral is unique and different. No two are alike. Funerals bring out the very best, and the absolute worst.

To attend one Protestant funeral and the displayed emotions of the attendees and lump them as ‘Protestant Funerals’ is unfair, and frankly, bigoted. I’ve been at Catholic funerals where there were Mariachi bands, fist fights, drunks, and the attending Priest was an hour late, forgot his Bible, and mispronounced the deceased name. Could you characterize this as a typical Catholic funeral if you were a Protestant?

I think not.
 
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