What's wrong with marrying a non-virgin?

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I don’t think anyone should feel obligated to marry a virgin just for that reason alone, but virginity isn’t just some label (which it usually is in society and a negative one at that).

Virginity is a representation of a person’s overall morality, personality, and character. I think those three things are very important for any relationship and a virgin who has waited for his wedding night to have sex is certainly a strong person and definitely an un-selfish person to be able to sacrifice and deny themselves for the sake of staying true to God’s word and staying true to the person they would eventually marry – before even having known of their existence! (kind of remind you of something else? oh along the lines of “Blessed are those who do not see, but still believe”?)

Why anyone wouldn’t notice how self-giving that person is and only look to their “label” as something deemed negativie by society, I do not know. No wonder the divorce rate is so high; people don’t look deeper in choosing a spouse, they look at the surface and at the superficial and end up with someone only looking out for number one (I’m not claiming that non-virgins are selfish or bad people if their current attitude towards sex is in line with what it means to be chaste).
 
Norseman82 said:
I will just let this comment speak for itself for all to see…

(Hopefully, if you become a Catholic, the graces you receive will soften your heart).
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Wow, offensive in so many ways. Taking something I said out of context and insinuating that I have a hard heart because I’m not a good Catholic like you are two of the big ones.

But I do stand by what I said. I really don’t care how the jilted virgin feels because no one is obligated to marry anyone else based on virginity or anything else to prevent hurt feelings. And he/she like all people deserve to be married for the right reasons. They should not be married as a reward because it is owed to them.

And really, “losing out” to a non virgin? Seriously? That reminds me of a line from Aladdin when Jasmine screams “I am not a prize to be won!” People really aren’t. You aren’t in competition for the “best” spouses. You are out there to find someone that you love, connect with, and can build a life with. And you certainly don’t deserve to be married over someone else because you’re a virgin.
 
asd72 said:
Just so you know you do not speak for me as a female. And unless your generalization applies for practicing Catholics who believe in the teachings of the Church, it doesn’t apply to me either. It would depend on a persons current chastity for me.

And a non virgin is not a stable investment of resources? You are talking about a person created in the image and likeness of God, they are not ‘things’. I wouldn’t want anyone that saw women as objects so I would be glad they saw me as not being a good resource to acquire!
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Why are you being so hostile? I’m speaking from the viewpoint of evolutionary biology. Biology unchecked by societal considerations (or aided by them, either way) has great importance.

I made no implication that women are objects. Ask yourself this question: would a man marry a woman (for life, since he’s a Catholic) with the knowledge that she could/would leave him or have a higher chance of leaving him/not being faithful? Would he want to invest all of his resource potential and focus towards someone who could very well not return it? Those are the biological underpinnings of why men have a harder time than women when it comes to unchastity.

Again, please don’t be hostile. Please try to assume good faith on my part.
 
David_Thorne said:
Why are you being so hostile? I’m speaking from the viewpoint of evolutionary biology. Biology unchecked by societal considerations (or aided by them, either way) has great importance.

I made no implication that women are objects. Ask yourself this question: would a man marry a woman (for life, since he’s a Catholic) with the knowledge that she could/would leave him or have a higher chance of leaving him/not being faithful? Would he want to invest all of his resource potential and focus towards someone who could very well not return it? Those are the biological underpinnings of why men have a harder time than women when it comes to unchastity.

Again, please don’t be hostile. Please try to assume good faith on my part.
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I don’t think its biological. If it were it would be standard across the board, religious and nonreligious. But secular men don’t seem to have an issue being with a non virgin.
 
[BIBLEDRB]Romans 3:22-24[/BIBLEDRB]

Sorry who among us is perfect?

If you boil your marriage down to just them being a virgin; and not them joining you to grow in Christ…you have no business marrying.

Have we not learned anything from the Pharisees?
 
BlueEyedLady said:
And really, “losing out” to a non virgin? Seriously? That reminds me of a line from Aladdin when Jasmine screams “I am not a prize to be won!” People really aren’t. You aren’t in competition for the “best” spouses. You are out there to find someone that you love, connect with, and can build a life with. And you certainly don’t deserve to be married over someone else because you’re a virgin.
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Again, Proverbs 31:10
 
BlueEyedLady said:
You aren’t in competition for the “best” spouses. You are out there to find someone that you love, connect with, and can build a life with.
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We are in competition, after a fashion. It is the height of selfishness to marry the person you want to marry. You want to connect with them and feel loved. That is selfish. Few people marry someone they don’t feel a connection to because the other wants to marry them.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I don’t think its biological. If it were it would be standard across the board, religious and nonreligious. But secular men don’t seem to have an issue being with a non virgin.
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They do have problems with it. There are lots of articles on the web on helping men get over the number of sexual partners a women has had. When a (wo)man doesn’t have issues with it, it’s mainly because they want someone “with experience.” They want them to perform well. They would necessarily have to marry a non-virgin if they want that.

Again, it is biological. But culture and society does obscure those lines.
 
David_Thorne said:
We are in competition, after a fashion. It is the height of selfishness to marry the person you want to marry. You want to connect with them and feel loved. That is selfish. Few people marry someone they don’t feel a connection to because the other wants to marry them.
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I’m not marrying anyone out of charity.

Call it selfish all you want, but I want someone that I can trust, talk to, rely on, build a happy home and a loving family with. I think that’s pretty normal (and most certainly good),
 
asd72 said:
Just so you know you do not speak for me as a female. And unless your generalization applies for practicing Catholics who believe in the teachings of the Church, it doesn’t apply to me either. It would depend on a persons current chastity for me.

And a non virgin is not a stable investment of resources? You are talking about a person created in the image and likeness of God, they are not ‘things’. I wouldn’t want anyone that saw women as objects so I would be glad they saw me as not being a good resource to acquire!
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Actually, I believe that is what David is saying. Women who value chastity tend to be more open to marrying currently chaste non-virgins then men who value chastity are.

And as a woman, and a wife, I am not offended by the term “investment of resources”. My goodness, my husband and I both invest into our relationship and marriage. That is the nature of a life long commitment 🙂
 
David_Thorne said:
They do have problems with it. There are lots of articles on the web on helping men get over the number of sexual partners a women has had. When a (wo)man doesn’t have issues with it, it’s mainly because they want someone “with experience.” They want them to perform well. They would necessarily have to marry a non-virgin if they want that.

Again, it is biological. But culture and society does obscure those lines.
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🤷 There are lots of articles on the web about how the holocaust didn’t happen. Doesn’t mean most people believe that.
 
David_Thorne said:
We are in competition, after a fashion. It is the height of selfishness to marry the person you want to marry. You want to connect with them and feel loved. That is selfish. Few people marry someone they don’t feel a connection to because the other wants to marry them.
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This is where you guys lose me. You aren’t doing any one a favor by marrying them as a favor 😦
 
sweetpetunia said:
This is where you guys lose me. You aren’t doing any one a favor by marrying them as a favor 😦
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Agreed. I would be devastated if I found out my fiance married me because he felt obligated, even though I wouldn’t be his first choice, or he felt something deeper for someone else. I don’t know how I could live with him or myself if that happened. Needless to say I would end the marriage, leave, get a LOT of counseling, and hopefully find a way to pull my heart and self-esteem back together and move forward. But I don’t think it would be that easy.

It would be even worse if I found out that he felt obligated over something petty as my sexuality. Talk about objectifying and reducing a woman to what she has to offer physically.
 
David_Thorne said:
Right. Which is why I’m saying marrying who you want to marry is inherently selfish/self-centered.
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Only if you in some way force them.

I’m marrying who I want to marry. But in doing so I am giving him everything, every single part of me for the rest of my life. Everything I ever want, need, think, and feel will be tied to him. Every decision I make he will have a voice in. You marry who you want to marry, and then you give yourself completely and unselfishly for the rest of your life.

I’ll overlook the selfish decision of finding someone that you love and loves you back and marrying them. Who else would you marry?
 
BlueEyedLady said:
🤷 There are lots of articles on the web about how the holocaust didn’t happen. Doesn’t mean most people believe that.
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By web I meant on websites for magazines, too. But the point is that they exist in number to reach large readerships. If people didn’t want to read it, it wouldn’t be published.

Same thing for Holocaust denial. The reason the sub-culture exists is because there’s a demand.
 
David_Thorne said:
Right. Which is why I’m saying marrying who you want to marry is inherently selfish/self-centered.
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Then I guess charity is selfish/self-centered because of the good-feeling vibe it gives someone. :rolleyes:

Well thank you for reminding me that giving that $10 to the homeless outreach group and feeling good about it is un-Christian :doh2:
 
David_Thorne said:
Which is why men who marry women because they are “more experienced” creep me out.
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I’ll give you that that’s creepy. No argument there. It’s every bit as creepy as men who marry women because they are virgins.

Although I don’t think that anyone picks a marriage partner based on more experienced or virgin. People pick who to date based on that, but marriage decisions tend to be based on what happens from there.
 
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